Halo said
EDIT: IGNORE THE TITLE PLEASE. Meant to change it - originally I wasn't gonna write what I did below but just do a stupid mini-story about the vanity of man-pride I've seen at times. xDHappened a while ago, but I had a very close female friend who my mother once teased me about having a "thing" with. My instinctive retort was to say that the relationship was so platonic that it actually hurt my man-pride - just joking around, of course. But when it popped into my head just now (Im in a similar situation again, except I actually like this girl this time), it got me thinking. I dont think it applies much to people who arent naturally a little flirty, but for those who are: Do you ever feel a little hurt or offput or whatever by those friendships which aren't just nor sexual or romantic, but seemingly almost actively platonic - so much so that the natural flirtiness you have around others and your other friends dies or gets suppresses? This is certainly a whole Fedora Friendzone thing lamenting about the dreadfulness of being ignored, or about how all people of the opposite gender should be dying to flirt with you, or whatever. It's a question for people who like a bit of flirty banter in their friendships and conversations - if someone just utterly doesn't reciprocate that or the dynamic of the friendship means it just doesn't happen, does it make it harder for you to be friends with them or anything?For me, the answer is "sorta". It won't stop my friendship or anything, or limit how close I get to that person (most of my close friendships are like it, as people just don't expect me to be that sort of character), but for me it feels a little like a certain natural flow or connection isn't quite there for whatever reason. And I sorta end up being slightly guarded about saying certain things or discussing certain topics around those friends, and that creates a thin barrier that can occasionally be surpassed by a friend or acquaintance that that... flirtiness (for want of a better word) exists with.
Interesting concept.
The natural flirtiness is generally labelled as "Vibing". It's the same thing that happens when you tongue-in-cheek do the whole "no you" "no you your mom", "no you your mom's face" with a girl, or make those high pitch "WOP" noises topless with your man-friends in the forest (this is totally a thing omfg stop judging).
What vibing is in the simplest of terms is a humans form of whale songs. When you go "WOP", in the group, you're then left listening to the intensities and amplitudes in your friends tonalities when they go "WOO", both to measure their moods, who's in charge, who's more vulnerable, and what is and isn't allowed within the social dynamics in that time. You're listening to the emotional states of others, and also, since this was done back in the dawn of man when man hunted dinosaurs and nazi's. Was a means to feed off of other's emotional states, to better become congruent with the then less-than-verbally articulative pack, and to maintain your own emotional state. When you are the WOP maker, the one who sets the tone, it demonstrates that you've shown the proper displays of authorities, to win over the consenting submission of power each individual has.
None of this is conscious, it all happens naturally to us to this day. It's only when we put conscious thought on the matter do we realize it's already there. It's kinda interesting on a side note, how our conscious mind is very mammalian and individualistic, however once absent on the behaviour and thought processes of various other identities and instincts put in place, it acts more like a plant. But that's a personal side note.
So, when you WOP and WIPPITY to a person of the opposite sex, it's to do the same thing. With man to woman it's a lot more in one direction, with the man giving the woman emotional stimuli to feed from, which when goes successful brings about a certain persona (or mood) that allows her to act in a more promiscuous way. But, when it does happen, there's a point quite early on in the interaction where the woman is more reserved to some variant degree, and is on the constant measure of the tonality and other sub communications of the male, to see if he's being congruent. If he slips up and is not naturally being in this state, she'll then sense the neediness of her validating responses to allow him to become this way, rather than being self generating. He's then shown as naturally inclined to be vibe taking than vibe giving, which shows a whole bunch of things, from low chances of having a strong frame, to not having experience as the one leading the group, and is therefore seen as less capable of being a host of good genes and survival behaviourisms, that goes towards the strength, health, and survival of whatever baby they could make. And so it doesn't happen.
So, where does all this translate with you guys?
Pretty much exactly word for word.
Say a guy doesn't demonstrate himself as sexy-worthy to a girl, but he shows to vibe well authentically in other aspects. She see's survival benefit in that, and so befriends the person. The same the exact other way around. Now, even as friends, the man will find himself sometimes (actually pretty often), scoping her out as both taking the role as protector, and also measuring her worth as a potential partner. If she's not demonstrating the healthy signs (a lot actually learned via culture and expressed epigenically!), then nothing changes. This however only happens within the first 5 minutes of the interaction when they meet, it's why the iconic scene is of a guy meeting his girl friend and being all "OH BOY I NEVER KNEW SHE SO CUTE UNTIL NOW", unlike what a girl is more likely to experience which is these small, every-now-and-then peaks of interest that goes "oh he acted in a way that makes me go mmmm", again never conscious - but it's why there's the scene when the shitty loser protagonist does something more awesome and takes control of a situation, and the friend girl goes "-swoon- wow friend boy keep that up and you'll be my man lover guy -swoon more-".
Still following me here? COOLIO's. But in case you're not i'd like to add that your a bag of dicks shove your TL;DR pimping 24/seven whuat whuat.
Okay. So, in these manfriendwomanfriend relationships, as you put. There's naturally vibing. There's naturally some sort of friendly, innocent coochie-coo tongue in cheek, friendly pushing banter. It'll be the exact same as you would with your guy friend, the difference is (and this may be different for bisexuals who're pretty split down the middle, less so for male on male as it's more looks orientated but more so for female on female i'm sure), but there's some degree of sexual magnetism when it comes guy and girl. It's not set in stone, it's usually short lived to a few silent moments, and both normally blindly bump into it as you joke about but it's there, and authentic.
When it's stifled, then it goes interesting because it means one of the following. You don't feel sex-worthy around the person, so your brain just does not take you down that route and if it does you do it at a push that involves some degree of being rejected (in other words, some situation where you just do not feel sexual around this person because you're intimidated by this person, both regarding this person AND other people when with this person), she doesn't feel sex-worthy around you, and is therefore stifled equally. You don't feel-sex worthy and is directly because you view her of higher sexual value (you fancy her but you're too emotionally invested to do something), or her to you.
But, and i'm saying this is it. Because with the first concept it requires it being platonic to the extent it's just never noticed in any way. The second means you or her actually like's you or her sexually, and that would demonstrate itself with one having more emotionally control over the other (other words: one being more emotionally reactive to the other), which is clearly noticable.
Or it's the third, in which both or one see's sexual value in the person. But the friendship was built out of platonic means. It puts a conflicting dynamic in the relationship, where it's all "are we friends or could we...", and one, or both members of the party is sexually frustrated. Because she seems neither open or free enough to express a more sexual persona that would allow her to act that way around you, and because you seem more inclined to avoid that gaping elephant in the room that is a big statement that says "NOT EVERYTHING IS PLATONIC HERE. THOUGH KUDOS YOU GUYS ARE JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDS", than take control and be all "She's my friend end of story" and completely not even consider that (which you can't do, unless you are a man who comes from a social environment that relatively puts her as not-worthy-of-being-your-mate as you are so much more used to an abundance of higher quality sexual partners), or be all "I do like this girl" and throw the vibes in, opening her up more by taking charge and adjusting what's allowed in the social situation between you two.
But, perhaps response is kinda putting you in a "fuck you scribz. Fuck you and you're hee haw bullshit pick up rape bull", and I want you to take the opportunity to put that aside for valuable insight on why it's that case. And it goes as following.
You live in an environment of social circles that allows less abundance in partners. This is common in todays society, we have less and less good friends and in general trying to meet girls through your social circle is like getting a glass of water from a rock. Puts your reticular activation system (R.A.S, mental operation that determines value) on a lower setting and makes even friends seem more worthy of being a sexual partner.
You started your interaction as friends, and you may both be naturally introverted so high energy vibing never happened, it always remained relaxed but as a result it stifled more "BOOP BEEP BADADAA" noises from coming from each others mouths as you hang about. It's more awk because those persona's of yours just don't get a chance to come through and you feel less comfortable as you associate these with her less as less.
You might of garnered attraction to her in some form that's brought about this "OH WE ARE SO DANG PLATONIC YO" because it messed with your identity in regards to her being a part of your environment and so your ego is going all "dude she's your friend" and your less autonomous survival brain is all "yeah but just inject her with the love juices, our genes will live 4eva", which requires you to back rationalize this in the first place. She does not have to be your image of what's attractive, if you ever see a guy freak out because some fat ugly thang is all rubbing on his crotch, that's sexual frustration he's feeling and it's just his ego going all "NO STOP THAT STOP THAT SHE'S MAKING YOU FEEL WAYS YOU SHOULDN'T. DOES NOT COMPUTE WITH UR DESIRED LEVEL OF PARTNER FOR GENETIC RECIPROCATION".
You've always kinda liked each other, but naturally you just didn't go for it. Because of the angle it was approached, because she had other values that were more relevant at the time (new city, new people, new life, no friends) than they are now. Because your nature isn't to spike those parts of her brain that brought about a more sexual nature. Because you didn't naturally feel sex worthy around her. And because ultimately she's stifled because you've never made the move, and so you both live in this cycle of constantly trying to re-enforce your platonic friendship over each other in a means to mend the new holes in the boat.
Either way. It happens to all of us. And it's perfectly normal. Just try and resolve this, because to me a startlingly platonic relationship is never platonic. You don't go on about how platonic you and your boss are, and it's because the magnetism does not exist at all. Same with girls you feel literally no sexual interest towards, and has none to you. (though you will feel the unsettling, sexually frustrating feeling of a girl who's sexually invested in you, and you have no sexual interest towards her. And that's your ego saying "abort, abort, she's trying to feed from you. Oh god. She's doing all this nasty shit like bend over AUUGh you can see her pants oh god not her breasts this is just plain nasty get me out of here your procreation brain penis is starting to like this nope nope nope nope nope." And that's because your ego's frame of mind do not align with the emotional feelings you're getting. Whereas if she had value, your ego's frame of mind would actually be subject to even aligning itself with her as your brain backtracks and rationalizes the reasons you feel attraction to her, because it's 1) more powerful and 2) fits with your frame of reality more easily).
And now more coffee.
