[IC] BAR FIGHT: HARDER

[JunkMail]

ANGRY, HEAVILY BEARDED MAN IS SEATED AT THE BAR. BROWS ARE FURLED, EYES RED FOR NO APPARENT REASON. EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS PERFECTLY CALM WHILE THIS ONE MAN IS ABOUT READY TO EXPLODE. BOTTLE OF [NONSPECIFIC BRAND ALCOHOL] IS BEING HELD VERY TIGHTLY IN HIS RIGHT HAND. AUDIBLE GRUNTS ESCAPE THROUGH HIS TEETH.

ANIMATE SKELETON WEARING ORNATE JEWELRY AND CRIMSON ROBE STRUTS BY HIM AND TURNS TO THE BARTENDER, A BALD DUDE IN A NICE BLUE VEST. "EHHHHHH." SKELETON SAYS IN A RIDICULOUSLY COCKNEY ACCENT, SOMEHOW WITHOUT THE NEED OF VOCAL CHORDS AND OTHER ORGANIC SYSTEMS NECESSARY IN THE ACT OF SPEAKING, "WOULD YEH FACILITATE ME WITH A DEPLORABLE BEVERAGE, KIND SEH?"

"SURE." BALD-TENDER REPLIES, HANDING SKELETON A BEER. SKELETON NODS AND WRAPS HIS FREE HAND AROUND THE ANGRY BEARDED MAN, SAYING ALOUD, "QUALITY LIQUEH BE OCCUPATIN' AH GUZZAHDS TONOIGHT, EH RICHARD?"

NO.

NO MORE OF THIS.

BEARDED MAN'S GRIP TIGHTENS. BOTTLE SHATTERS, GLASS SHARDS PIERCE SKIN OF HIS HAND. HE LETS OUT A BLOOD-CURDLING YELL, PICKS UP HIS STOOL, AND SLAMS IT UPSIDE THE SKELETON'S HEAD, WHO FALLS TO THE FLOOR, RELATIVELY UNHARMED AND INTACT. BEARDED MAN CLIMBS UP ON TOP OF THE BAR, RIPS OFF HIS FLANNEL SHIRT, AND SCREAMS.

"BAAAAAAAAAAR FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!"

MOMENTARY SILENCE.

EVERYONE TURNS TO THE NEAREST LIVING THING AND SCREAMS IN THEIR FACE.

IT BEGINS.

[Hillan]

Woops. Reserved for post.

[JunkMail]

Woops. Reserved for post.

@Hillan

BEARDED MAN WAS UNABLE TO HEAR HIM. IN ONE SWIFT MOVEMENT HE LUNGES DOWNWARD AND GRABS HILLAN BY HIS STUPID FUCKING NECK THEN SLAMS HIS EQUALLY STUPID FUCKING FACE INTO THE BAR ITSELF, HIS MASCULINE STRENGTH SENDING THE MAN THROUGH THE WOODEN STRUCTURE IN A FEAT OF HERCULEAN STRENGTH.

"FUCK YOURSELF."

[SepticGentleman]

HE, A SUPPLE SHIRTLESS WARRIOR, GRIPS HIS BOTTLE FOR BASHING AND SMACKS A PYGMY DRAGON-MAN WITH THE BUSINESS BOTTOM. EYES WIDE. JUMPS ON TOP OF THE BAR.

“IT’S INSIDE ME!” HE YELLS, IT’S INSIIIIDE MEEEE!”

HE IS HAPPY FOR THE FIRST AND LAST TIME IN HIS LULLABY LIFE. HE TACKLES A GHOST, GOES RIGHT THROUGH IT, AND STICKS HIMSELF ON A SHARPENED STOOL UPSIDE-DOWN, SMILING WIDER.

[Bork Lazer]

<Snipped quote by Hillan>

BEARDED MAN WAS UNABLE TO HEAR HIM. IN ONE SWIFT MOVEMENT HE LUNGES DOWNWARD AND GRABS HILLAN BY HIS STUPID FUCKING NECK THEN SLAMS HIS EQUALLY STUPID FUCKING FACE INTO THE BAR ITSELF, HIS MASCULINE STRENGTH SENDING THE MAN THROUGH THE WOODEN STRUCTURE IN A FEAT OF HERCULEAN STRENGTH.

"FUCK YOURSELF."

@JunkMail

THAT FUCKING WOODEN STRUCTURE WAS THE BORK LAZER'S GODDAMNED CHAIR. THE BORK LAZER FELL ON HIS PUDGY ASS, A BIG ASS BAR BURGER STILL IN HIS FLABBY JAW. HE LOOKED AROUND FOR THE OFFENDER, HIS EYES TURNING TO SLITS WHEN HE SAW HIM.

THE BEARDED MAN.

THE BORK LAZER ROARED AND BEGAN PUSHING HIS ABSOLUTE UNIT OF A BODY TOWARDS THE BEARDED MAN PLOWING THROUGH THE ENTIRE CROWD OF FIGHTERS. A COLONY OF ANTS-MAN FELL INTO HIS GLUTTONOUS MOUTH AS PEOPLE WERE SLOBBER-KNOCKED BY HIS MASSIVE PAWS. HALF-LIZARD MUTANTS WERE PUMMELLED. EDGY EMO WANNABE VIKINGS WERE STOMPED ON. HE THREW A MIDGET MIDGET THROUGH THE WINDOW, CAUSING A CAR ALARM TO GO OFF. HE GRABS THE BEARDED MAN, HOISTING HIM UP IN THE AIR AND THEN, WHISPERING IN HIS EAR.

" WELCOME TO SUPLEX CITY, BITCH!"

THE BORK LAZER, GRABBING THE BEARDED MAN BY HIS CHEST, JUMPS UPWARDS, BOTH OF THEM CRASHING THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE BOOR BEFORE MAKING ANOTHER HOLE IN THE ROOF AS THE BORK LAZER HOLDS THE BEARDED MAN IN A GERMAN SUPLEX, GIVING HIM A FACE-TO-FACE MEETING WITH THE GROUND.