[IC] Amnesia [Suki & Summer]

[Rogue Sloth]

Making himself comfortable on the sofa, Cas breathed a little deeper than he had in the plaza. The scent of death had faded now that they were far from the worst of the massacre, but it wasn’t completely gone. He could still smell a fainter odor belonging to the bodies of the people who had been killed in the apartments nearby. As far as he could tell, this was the best option they were going to get for a hideout while Iris was ill, so he couldn’t complain though. He just hoped he would get used to the sickly scent as they spent more time in it.

“Let me take a look,” he volunteered, bending forward to dig through the backpack at her feet. Although her fever had set them back from getting to the capital that same day, it was a welcomed distraction to him at the moment. If he hadn’t seen her lean against the building in the plaza and had to find somewhere for her to rest, his thoughts still would have been on the corpses he’d seen outside. Not wanting to picture their lifeless faces anymore, he sifted enthusiastically through the bag’s contents, taking out the bandages and bottles of water to see if there was any medicine in the bottom. Unfortunately, it looked like Maisie hadn’t given them any.

“Hm,” he mused, sitting upright again and drumming his fingers against his knee. He didn’t like the idea of stealing from the owners of the house they had holed away in, but chances were, the owners were dead anyway. It was worth taking a look around to see if they had anything with acetaminophen in it. Having made up his mind, he got up from the sofa again and walked off to look through the medicine cabinets in the bathrooms. No luck there either. It seemed like she had been right about medicine begin hard to find, because he couldn’t see anything useful in the master bathroom or the guest.

As a last-ditch effort, he searched the kitchen cabinets, just in case there was a stash of medicine in a place he wouldn’t usually think to look for it. Discouragingly, there was no medicine anywhere, but he did find some canned food. Fruits and vegetables, specifically. He set the cans out on the counter along with a can opener, to remind himself to pick them up before they left, so they would have more food available if they needed it.

Plan A had turned out to be a bust, so he moved on to plan B, doubling back to the master bedroom to get a spare blanket from the closet. As he turned to head back to the living room, he faltered, noticing something in the corner of his eye. On the nightstand beside the bed, there was a framed photograph. Don’t look; don’t look, he repeated to himself silently, knowing he would regret it if he gave in to his curiosity. There was no good that could come from seeing the faces of people who were probably did. Yet he still found himself stepping over to the table to peer at the picture.

Almost immediately, he regretted doing so. “Oh my god…” his skin grew pale as he stared at the immortalized image of the mother and daughter he’d seen in the plaza. A father figure was there too, holding the little girl’s other hand while her parents swung her between them. All three wore bright smiles, blissfully unaware of the tragedy that would befall their family not long after the photo was taken.

He turned away from the picture, dropping his gaze to the floor with unfocused eyes. This had to be some sort of twisted joke. The only two people whose faces he had committed to memory in the plaza were the same people who had lived in the apartment he and Iris were burgling now. He had never known them personally, but the knowledge still cut through his heart like a knife.

Suddenly, the vision of their dead bodies made a reappearance in his mind, and he lost his composure. Dropping the blanket onto the floor, he made a break for the bathroom and fell to his knees over the toilet as he heaved up the contents of his stomach. For a minute, sat where he was without moving, trembling as his body recovered from the physical effort of retching. He’d almost made it through Bel Bicis without breaking down, but the trauma of seeing the aftermath of war firsthand had been too much after all.

He dragged the back of his hand across his mouth and rocked back on his heels, panting raggedly. The image of the corpses was still seared into his head, and he could feel his eyes watering, but he fought back against the tears. He still needed to bring Iris the blanket for her fever, and he didn’t want to leave her alone for too long while she was sick. So, he waited until he’d caught his breath and had pushed down on the emotions that threatened to boil over before he stood up again.

Flushing the toilet on his way out—and also thanking god that the building’s water supply hadn’t been turned off—he gathered up the blanket he’d thrown on the floor and headed back out to rejoin Iris in the living room.

[sukikyoufu]

Hearing the enthusiasm as he volunteered to take a look she didn’t get her hopes up, she knew how hard medicine was to come by and it was highly unlikely Maisie had anymore seeing as they had already taken her painkillers. Opening her eyes to take a glance at what he was doing she could only assume that there had been no medicine in the backpack as now he was drumming his fingers against his knee. “It’s fine, the fever will break on its own. We don’t need medicine.” Offering a smile as she shifted on the sofa trying to make herself comfortable.

Although her words had seemingly fallen on deaf ears because he was determined to find something to help by the looks of his actions. Watching as he left to search the bathroom, she felt herself sigh, finally letting her guard down as she couldn’t keep up the act that she was fine. That was draining her enough, but it was hard not to feel guilty that it was now her fault they couldn’t continue on. Great, what use have I really been to him right now? It was hard to stop the downward spiral when she hadn’t truly left it. The guilt would slowly eat away at her and she knew it would plague her.

Iris was so out of it she hadn’t caught the fact he had moved from the bathroom to the kitchen rummaging around for whatever he could find. A part of her wanted to sleep, she knew she would get some rest, but something didn’t feel right. Sleeping in someone else’s home surrounded by a dead district, it seemed ludicrous but what if they did rise from the dead like the Zombie movies. They would be surrounded with no means of escape, no means to fight especially with his injury and she could barely stand right now.

Feeling her body tremble, she was unsure on if it was because she felt cold, or she was scared. It was probably a mixture of the two, but she didn’t want to focus on it. Whimpering slightly from the sofa she hated the feeling of being uncomfortable, she couldn’t relax, and she was restless with everything that was going on around her. Hearing some sort of noise, she opened her eyes looking up for Cas thinking it was him, amidst the little light and her vision not being perfect she couldn’t see him in the room. Narrowing her eyes as she tried to focus, she heard a quick shuffle of feet, disappearing into the distance and then she heard it. He had hurled. Cringing at the sound she could only imagine what had brought it on, perhaps he was now unwell too? Or maybe he had seen something in the house?

Not wanting to leave him alone she mustered all her strength determined to get herself off of the sofa, stumbling a few of the steps as she crashed against the wall wincing from the impact as she used it to prop herself up so she could make her way to the bathroom. Panting from the effort she blinked a few times trying to blink away the tiny black dots that had appeared as she tried not to sway on the spot, “H-Hey…” Panting out her words as she tried to continue on her path to the bathroom, “C-Cas, are you okay?”

[Rogue Sloth]

To Caspian’s surprise, he didn’t make it back to the living room before he ran into Iris. She was standing on her feet and looked like she was about to keel over at any second. “What are you—” he started to ask and then stopped abruptly, mortified as he realized she must have heard him in the bathroom. He had been hoping she wouldn’t find out that he apparently didn’t have a strong enough stomach to handle everything they had encountered in Bel Bicis. He didn’t want her to think he was weak. It was kind of pathetic that all it had taken was a photograph for him to lose his breakfast though.

He was torn from his thoughts by the sound of her shaky voice. “Iris, you shouldn’t be up right now,” he said urgently, ignoring her question as he ushered her back over to the sofa. He didn’t want to answer her, but he was also genuinely concerned about her unwillingness to rest when she was so ill. At this rate, she was just going to get worse, which meant they were going to be stuck here even longer than they would have been if she’d taken care of herself. He was more than willing to delay his return to the capital in order to help her get better, but he didn’t want to be stuck in Bel Bicis for a whole week or more. The more time he spent away from his home, the more chances the rebels would have to track him down and kill him. He wouldn’t be safe until he was back in the care of the royal family’s security.

“Here,” helping her back down on the couch while she looked unstable, he held out the blanket he’d brought from the bedroom. “I couldn’t find any medicine, so we’ll have to let the fever run its course. Wrap this around you and leave it there even if you feel like you’re getting too hot. It’ll make it easier for your body to run a high temperature without working too hard to generate heat.” His father had caught fevers plenty of times because of his compromised immune system, so the prince could recite the instructions easily from memory. He could remember how much the king had complained when he sweated beneath layers of heavy blankets, while Dr. Emett had sternly encouraged him not to remove the coverings. Conserving as much energy as possible was important in breaking a fever quickly.

Leaving the blanket with her, he picked up one of the water bottles and opened the top, handing that to her as well. “Drink as much of this as you can stomach too, so you don’t get dehydrated,” he ordered. “I’ll throw together some food for you to eat.” Without waiting for her response, he picked up the backpack and brought it to the kitchen, where he’d left the canned stuff he’d found earlier. Truth be told, he had no idea how to cook. Ever since he was a kid, he’d had servants around to do the work of preparing his meals for him. So, looking over the options, he picked up one of the cans and squinted at the small-print instructions. Luckily, it seemed easy enough to make. All he had to do was heat the vegetables up in the microwave.

Deciding to go for it, he picked up the can opener and examined that next as he struggled to figure out how to use it to get inside the sealed container.

[sukikyoufu]

“I’m f-fine…” Iris tried to counter with her shaky voice knowing full well it was complete and utter bullshit and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out either. “Are… are you okay?” Asking once more as she felt him usher her back to the couch to rest as he had ordered before, she knew she shouldn’t be pushing it because it would only delay them further especially seeing as Cas refused to just rest for an hour before going back on route. The idea of delaying them further didn’t sit right with her, but then he could be as stubborn as her it seemed. Especially when it came to health matters.

It was strange because she knew how much she hated the doctors, hospitals and everything around health. Even staying in one for a brief period of time had gotten under her skin, but she couldn’t just leave especially as she couldn’t walk at that time. Usually though she’d just push through whatever illness she had, she had never taken too much care over her health before and that was something she was relearning about herself with her fragmented memories slowly piecing back together.

“Thanks.” Taking the blanket from him as she looked down at the floor, guilty because it was her fault yet again on not getting him home sooner. Looking at the blanket clutched in her trembling hands she sighed knowing he was right, although she had been cold a moment before she was starting to feel hot again and a part of her didn’t want to go under the blanket because it would be uncomfortable. Running her fingers across the material it was soft at least, it would be comfortable just warm. Shaking her head, she knew she couldn’t fight him on this, wrapping the blanket around her as instructed she glanced back over as he offered her one of the water bottles.

Clasping the water as she steadied her hands, she took a sip before placing it on her lap unable to stop the soft smile on her face, it was strange hearing him order her around, but it came from a good place. For her to get better and break the fever. It took a moment for her to register that he had spoken about putting some food together for them, at the thought of food it made her stomach churn and she groaned. “Can we wait for food? I just…. I don’t think I’d keep it down. I’m really not hungry.” She had lost her appetite from last night back at Maisies and it hadn’t returned.

Pulling up her legs onto the sofa she curled up gripping the water she had only taken a sip from, already she was becoming uncomfortably warm and her hand itched to pull off the blanket. Sighing heavily, she rubbed her eyes as she tried to get herself comfortable, but nothing was working. How am I going to rest? I hate staying still when I know I can do something to help.

[Rogue Sloth]

“You should still try to eat something,” Cas shook his head when Iris objected to his offer to make them food. “If you don’t, you’ll take longer to get better, and I’m sure you don’t want that.” He didn’t either. The sooner she was on the mend, the sooner they could keep moving. Plus, selfishly, he wanted to keep his hands busy, so he could keep himself distracted from the fact that he’d found out whose apartment they were staying in. If their lifeless faces continued to appear in his head, it was going to drive him mad. He preferred to give himself at least a sliver of a chance to get a good night of sleep without any nightmares about the corpses in the plaza.

So, ignoring her request, he kept fiddling with the can opener until he figured out how to fit the grip on the edge of the can and twist it until the lid popped off. It was a simple task that most people knew how to do already, but he was still proud of himself for figuring it out without any help. Setting the can back down on the counter, he rummaged through the cupboards until he found a bowl, which he poured the canned vegetables into to heat up in the microwave. He’d never used a microwave either, but he was tech-savvy enough to know how to push a button, so it didn’t give him any trouble.

While the food was cooking, he took out the bread that Maisie had packed for them along with two plates and forks from the upper cabinet where he’d found the bowl. He laid out two slices of bread on each, and divided up the vegetables evenly between them once they were ready. Once he was done, he looked over the dishes with a pleased expression. It was a simple meal, but it was the first meal he’d made in his life, so he couldn’t help feeling like he’d accomplished something impressive. Members of the royal line rarely lowered themselves to taking on such meager tasks.

“Lunch is ready,” he announced, bringing the plates over to the sofa and setting them down on the coffee table. “Just eat slowly if your stomach is tender, but you have to have at least some of it. Trust me; you’ll feel better if you do.” Taking a seat beside her, he picked up his own plate and set it in his lap. Really, he didn’t have much of an appetite either—not after everything he’d seen in the plaza—but he still forced himself to follow his own advice and eat the bread and vegetables. Even though he wasn’t sick, he was going to need to keep his energy up too. Sacrificing his breakfast to the porcelain throne hadn’t helped him with that at all, so he needed to replenish the strength he’d lost.

While he started on his lunch, he kept an eye on Iris to make sure she wouldn’t leave her own meal untouched. He knew how unappetizing food could be when one was unwell, so he wouldn’t have put it past her not to eat.

[sukikyoufu]

Iris felt herself huff without even realising at his words, of course she didn’t want to take longer to get better they both knew that but again eating didn’t sound appetizing at all. A part of her was worried if she tried to eat and brought it back up, she wouldn’t make it to the bathroom on time, not with her body feeling as weak as it did. Even when she had tried to get to her feet to see if he was okay had been a struggle. The warmth of the blanket certainly wasn’t helping her mood either which only added to her frustration.

Hearing him fiddle with what she could assume was the can opener she was curious as to what he was going to make, she was certain he hadn’t cooked before. If she recalled a past conversation when she had said how she enjoyed cooking he had found it amusing, apparently high borns didn’t really cook. They had people for that. They have people for everything. Thinking to herself as she tried to take a peek but the struggle wasn’t worth it so she sunk back down into the sofa grumbling to herself about how inconvenient this fever was.

Unable to contain the flinch when she heard the plates on the side, she knew it wasn’t loud but for some reason the sound had gone right through her. The headache was no bout a side effect of the fever and only another thing to inconvenience her. Maybe this is karma for what I have done? Sighing softly to herself as she couldn’t stop her thoughts swirling around the negative, as much as she wanted to be positive, she was finding it quite difficult lately and her mask was cracking. Keeping up the act was becoming tiresome and she couldn’t easily convince people she was fine like she had before.

Glancing over as the plates were placed on the coffee table, she watched the food debating on if she wanted to even try it. “Is this the first time you’ve cooked?” Asking softly as she looked back at Cas, “N-Not saying it looks horrible! No... It looks great! I eh… I just.” Trying to catch her words as she flustered, “I remember you saying you’ve never done something like this before.” Pulling the blanket around her more as she kept herself on the sofa with her barely touched water, she didn’t reach for the food. Not yet. Even as she watched as he ate, she hoped it would make her feel hungry, but it didn’t. All she felt was her stomach churn away at the idea off anything touching it and she could only grimace at the idea.

Between the tender feeling of her stomach to the guilt rising up for not eating what he had made she felt conflicted with herself. The heat was making her breathless and as much as she wanted to throw the blanket to one side she gripped it harder trying not to break that order at least.

[Rogue Sloth]

When Iris asked if it was the first time he had cooked, Cas felt warmth creep into his cheeks. “Um, yeah…” he admitted, shuffling his feet bashfully beneath the coffee table. “Back home, we had professional chefs to do this sort of thing, so I’ve never had to cook my own food before…” He trailed off with a wince, painfully aware of how privileged he sounded now that he knew what life was like for people outside the capital. Not only did commoners have to cook for themselves, they also rarely seemed to have the ingredients to make a well-balanced meal. It was no wonder every person they had come across in Tongsen had been on the thin side.

“I know I must seem like a spoiled brat now, huh?” he sighed, dropping his gaze to the plate in his lap. The worst part was that if he’d had the option to have someone else cook for him out here, he knew he would take it in a heartbeat. He was proud of himself for throwing together a simple lunch for them, but he missed the gourmet food he’d dined on in the capital. That was something he couldn’t replicate even if they miraculously found all the ingredients, because he had never properly learned how to do it. In contrast, the stale bread and canned vegetables were practically flavorless.

Just as he’d suspected, Iris didn’t even move to touch the food on her dish. For a few minutes, he left it alone, giving her time to change her mind on her own while he polished off his own plate. The food may have been bland, but it was the only option he had, so he swallowed every last bite of it. Once he was done, he set the empty dish back down on the table and picked up his bottle of water, downing a few large gulps to quench his thirst.

“Come on, Iris, you have to eat something,” he turned back to her with a frown as he placed his drink back down beside the plate. He could tell by the amount of water left in her container that she wasn’t having much of that either. If she continued to reject any and all nourishment, there was a strong possibility that she would have to be hospitalized for dehydration, and he didn’t have the faintest clue where the closest hospital was. With their luck, it had probably been blown up in the last battle.

“I don’t want to treat you like a six-year-old, but if you’re not going to do it on your own, I will stoop to that level,” he warned her, grabbing her full plate and collecting some of the vegetables on the fork, which he then held up near her mouth. In the back of his head, the part of him that was still smitten with her was reveling in how close they were on the sofa, but he ignored the thought. He was just doing what he had to do to keep her from making her condition worse. “Open up, stubborn,” he told her, poking her bottom lip with the forkful of food. “It’s for your own good.”

[sukikyoufu]

Biting her lip as she watched the bashful look turn into a wince, she felt a little bad for him, he had never had experiences like this before, but she didn’t think he was spoiled. The kindness he expressed was not that of a spoiled brat wanting to get his own way all the time. “I don’t think you’re spoiled. I honestly think you were sheltered from all of this, the way you’ve reacted to it all. I don’t think you would have let this get so bad if you hadn’t have known. I meant it when I said you'd be a great ruler.” That was honestly what she thought, she didn’t think he had caused any of this. Sadly, he could have maybe done something if he had known, but she doubted he would have found out. Not until he was ruling and at that point it could have been too late to open him up to the truth.

It was hard to picture him in a bad light; sure, he had those members of the scourge executed he had made that order but that was how he had been raised. Just like she had been raised differently. It gave her hope that when he returned, he would make change, or at least try too and to her that would be a victory. Whatever happened to her she didn’t care, not if it meant he was now aware of what was going on in the districts. They had only just touched on some of it, Bel Bicis was perhaps the worst, but she was certain the other districts where probably suffering right now.

“I know…” Sighing softly as she looked down at the bottled water she placed it on the table knowing she had to try, but with how her stomach was it just wasn’t right and she didn’t want him seeing her so weak as to her she would only appear pathetic.

Thankfully the fever had flushed her cheeks because she felt herself stutter at his warning. She was then finding it hard not to enjoy the familiar feeling of warmth as he was close to her because she wanted nothing more than to just curl into his arms and sleep feeling that safety around her.

Huffing as he called her stubborn ordering her to open up, she looked at the fork that poked at the bottom of her lip and her mind wandered without even meaning too. The idea that he was feeding her, that this was something people would do when they were close. When they were dating as couples would feed one another. No. This is different. Trying to remind herself that this wasn’t some cute gesture of feeding her, this was simple because she was unwell and had to eat. This was nothing more than that even though her heart longed for it.

For a split second she debated on refusing to open up but that would only make things worse, her quickened heartbeat had already told her that she was still into him as much as she denied it. Biting her lip she nodded before finally opening up to take some of the food he had been offering her, it didn’t stop her heart from racing but thankfully that and her flush skin could be blamed on the fever and not the fact she was attracted to him.

[Rogue Sloth]

When Iris huffed, Cas braced himself for another round of protests, but luckily, she gave up after a moment and closed her lips around the end of the fork. He supposed it had taken feeding her himself for her to finally start listening to his advice. If she had just followed the directions the first time, he wouldn’t have had to resort to this, but at least something had worked to get her to stop being so stubborn. He couldn’t complain as long as she was eating and drinking. Besides, it would have been a lie for him to say that no part of him enjoyed sitting by her side, offering her mouthfuls of a meal he’d cooked for both of them. Even though he hadn’t meant it to be romantic, he wasn’t dull enough not to notice that they were acting like an infatuated couple.

Bringing the fork back down to the plate to collect another small bite of vegetables, he couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was the first time he’d ever played doctor for a woman he had feelings for. The thought brought another bout of color to his face. I’m never going to get over this stupid crush, am I? He wondered with a soft sigh. No matter what he did to move on from her, his heart always dragged him back down into the depths of puppy love. If he was honest, he wanted to take care of her as a boyfriend rather than just the man whom she was helping escape from the rebellion. Status and affiliations aside, she had all the traits he was looking for in a partner, and it killed him to know that they couldn’t be together—especially since she had told him she still had feelings for him too.

At first, he had denied the possibility that her feelings had been real at all, but as they spent more time together, he could see that she really was the same girl he’d fallen for in the capital. She had been manipulated and confused by the people closest to her, but she was still sweet and caring and impossibly beautiful. In a way, he almost wished she was a horrible person. At least then, it would have been easier for him to move on from her. Instead, he had to keep wrestling with emotions that shouldn’t have existed, all because she was exactly the same as the amnesiac he’d found in the woods that fateful night.

Lost in his thoughts, it took him a moment before he lifted the second forkful of food to her mouth, his dark eyes lingering on her lips that were flush with color because of the fever. He both loved and hated that he knew what those lips felt like when pressed against his own and that he wanted to remind himself of the experience again. He had to keep his promise to Maisie though, for her sake and for Iris’s. And even for his. So, taking a deep breath, he did his best to push the enticing thoughts aside and focus on making sure she ate her lunch.

“Just a couple more bites,” he beckoned her, his voice slightly softer than it had been before. “After that, you don’t have to eat any more. I just want to see how your stomach does with a little food in it.” And then I’m going to need to take a cold shower, he added to himself, swallowing as he tried to calm his still-racing heart. He hoped she got better quickly because he wasn’t sure how much longer his willpower could last if he had to spend many more days with her. The feverish blush on her cheeks was much more attractive to him than it should have been.

[sukikyoufu]

Quietly Iris took the food from him as he played doctor helping her on the road to recovery, but again her thoughts trailed off unable to contain them or ignore them like she had been doing. The feelings had never stopped for him, she had never gotten over her infatuation of him and as much as she wanted to ignore it push it to one side right now, she couldn’t. Not whilst they were sat so close together and even though he was feeding her because she had been stubborn it was somewhat romantic and very sweet of him to do. He was taking into consideration her health and he didn’t have too; they could have pushed on she would have forced herself too for him.

Stop it. As much as she denied it, she just wanted nothing more than to kiss him, to feel his arms hold her once more because she couldn’t forget it. Iris couldn’t forget they way they had been together, the kisses, the small touches. The laughter over silly subjects, the way they would tease each other and make jokes like they had known each other for years. Iris longed for that feeling again, she wished they could just go back in time, but she knew it would never happen.

If only I could have hated him, if only it didn’t happen this way, but even I don’t truly wish for that. Regardless of it all I will cherish those memories. I enjoyed every second of it. Lost in her own thoughts about how much she wished they could just be them again she didn’t notice his eyes lingering on her lips. Taken from her thoughts she looked back towards him sighing as she heard his soft voice encouraging her to eat a few more bites. “I…” Rubbing her stomach with her hand she had almost forgotten how unsettled it had been, but that was because she was too busy wanting to be closer to him.

“I will try a few more.” Smiling as she reached out her hand touching his arm gently, “Thank you Cas.” The heat radiated off of her pale hand as she touched his arm, inwardly cursing as she couldn’t resist the small touch between them. In hindsight it was a bad idea because she ended up looking at him, the soft features on his face. Eyes now lingering on his own lips as her thoughts ran wild, the little devil on her shoulder telling her to just kiss him but she still had some reasoning left in her. Fighting with herself as the heat she was feeling was becoming unbearable it was starting to affect with her sense of reason because she knew she shouldn’t. She knew that deep down it was a bad idea to be close to him, to have her hand touching his arm gently like she used too but the desire to kiss him hadn’t left. Without realising she has edged closer to him, shifting in her position. Eyes still looking at his lips as she hadn’t removed her hand from his arm.

[Rogue Sloth]

Cas could see that Iris was still reluctant to keep eating, but he was glad that she was trying. The food and water he was coaxing her to consume would do nothing but benefit her in the long run. Even if it made her stomach upset in the beginning, they had to keep trying to get her to keep it down, so she would have the energy she needed to break the fever. His own desire to get back to the capital aside, he was worried that if she didn’t start getting better, she would put herself in a dangerous position when they didn’t have access to a nearby hospital.

He nodded and lifted another forkful of food for her to eat, only to falter when he felt her hand on his arm. The gentleness of her voice and touch derailed his thoughts, and he cursed inwardly as a warm, fuzzy feeling spread through his insides against his will. It was frustrating to him how easily she was able to affect him—to make him question the logic that had given him the resolve to keep his distance from her. Silently, he meditated on the fact that they were going to have to part ways when they got to the capital, attempting to overpower emotions with reason. It was a difficult task for one who had a hard time ignoring his heart to begin with.

When she fixed her gaze on his mouth and leaned closer, he could feel his willpower fracturing. He desperately wanted to close the remaining gap between them. They were alone in the apartment with no one else around to interrupt them, and they were in no hurry to go anywhere because of her illness. It was the perfect time to give in, and for a moment, he did. Letting his hand drop back down to the plate, he set her lunch back down on the coffee table as he tentatively edged closer to her on the sofa. No words had been exchanged between them, but he knew she still wanted him too. Spurred by her reciprocation, he closed his eyes and moved in to kiss her, only to halt a hairsbreadth from her lips.

This is a mistake, the thought practically slapped him in its prominence. At once, reality set in again, and he inhaled slowly, trying to cool down the lustful fire that burned in his core. He couldn’t kiss her. Even though he wanted to, he knew it was wrong. They had no future together, so being physical again would just make their inevitable parting more painful for both of them. He didn’t want to lead her on and give her false hope that there could be something between them when it was impossible. He’d promised Maisie that he wouldn’t do that.

Yet he couldn’t bring himself to draw back from where he hovered near her mouth.

“We shouldn’t do this,” he whispered, opening his eyes again, though he avoided her gaze. Still lingering close to her, he could feel her hot breath mingling with his, and he shivered involuntarily. The sensation made it all the more difficult for him to say the next part: “We can’t be together, Iris. I don’t want to hurt you, but I know I will if we ignore what’s coming… As soon as I step back inside the walls of the capital, we’ll never see each other again.”

[sukikyoufu]

Feeling him move closer, moving the bowl of lunch he had made for her onto the coffee table she felt the butterflies in her stomach. Hopes began to rise that perhaps maybe they could be close once more, that maybe it would be okay. The idea that they could just go back to normal crossed her mind, the feelings had resurfaced, and she felt nothing but desire for him once more. Iris wanted nothing more than to just hold him, feeling his warmth and touch once more and she felt excited when he had tentatively edged closer. Closing his eyes as if to kiss her.

No. Feeling her heart stop as she didn’t feel his lips, unable to open her eyes just yet because she wasn’t ready to face the fact that they couldn’t. As much as she knew in her heart that they shouldn’t be thinking of this or egging it on together it didn’t stop her from wanting it. Finally opening her eyes, she could see he was still close to her, he hadn’t pulled back yet, and she could feel his warmth breath hitting her skin making her heart flutter in anticipation.

I know. I shouldn’t. We shouldn’t. Reasonable thoughts crossed her mind as she did agree with him, he was right in every sense that they shouldn’t be doing this but yet they were still close unable to break apart. “I know.” Whispering her words in disappointment, she didn’t want to admit to him as he voiced what they were both thinking, “I know we can’t be together. I will never be good enough and I understand, but I can’t help but feel this way for you. I can’t help but want this.”

Feeling her blue eyes soften as she looked him in the eyes, her hands now moving to touch his gently. Taking his hands in her own feverish ones gently as she caressed his skin with her thumbs. “I can’t stop these feelings for you. I can’t stop wanting to kiss you, hold you and… just be with you. I want that and a part of me doesn’t care if it’s only for now because that would be better than nothing.” She could already feel her heart breaking at the idea that they shouldn’t be doing this, that ultimately at the end of the road it would be the end of them whether friendship or not and she didn’t want that.

There’s nothing I can do, nothing he can do. We will never be together. The gut-wrenching thought crossed her mind, But… what if it means nothing? What if it’s like friends with benefits? No who am I kidding. Feelings will always be attached to this. To us. Biting her lip as she looked at Cas, longing in her eyes as she desired to be with him. Iris hadn’t been able to bring herself to move away from him, the pull to be close to him was still strong even with the reasonable thoughts that they couldn’t be together.

[Rogue Sloth]

In his heart, Cas knew he’d done the right thing. Even though it was difficult, they had to keep themselves from giving in to their desire for each other. To pretend like they weren’t on borrowed time would have been foolish. He couldn’t lie and say that he just wanted something physical from her either. They both knew that wasn’t true, and the same went for her feelings for him. Ignoring the deeper connection they had would inevitably lead to a painful parting at the capital, and he didn’t want to do that to her. He’d meant it when he’d told Maisie that he cared about her too much to put her through that.

When Iris said she understood, he let out a ragged exhale only to grimace in the next moment as she chased the statement by saying she wasn’t good enough for him. It was so far from the truth that it crushed him to hear her say it. He could understand why she thought so, since their differing statuses were the exact reason why they couldn’t be together, but that had nothing to do with who she was as a person. It was just the way things were. He was going to be the next king of Aspiria, and unfortunately, that meant whoever he ended up with was going to be the queen. By law, his future wife had to be a high born. There was nothing he could do about it.

“Don’t you ever say you’re not good enough for me,” he chastised her, forcing himself to pull back enough to seek her gaze. “You’re a better woman than anyone else I’ve met. I really do wish I could be with you, and if I could rewrite the law, I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s just… not that simple.” He squeezed her hands, studying her face with a solemn expression. “I won’t have that kind of power until my dad… well… kicks the bucket, and that could be many years from now. He barely lets me date high born women as it is, so there’s no way he would let me be with someone from outside the capital. It’s a shitty situation—I’d love to be able to make my own decisions like every other adult in the world—but I have to listen to him because he’s the king… Unfortunately, that means I can’t be with you.”

Never before had he felt more trapped in the box he’d been born into. He’d already had mixed feelings about being the crown prince, usually teetering on the negative side, but he’d never experienced the weight of his future like this. Probably because I’ve never been so drawn to someone like I am to her, he thought. It had been frustrating in the past when his father had forced him to end relationships with high born girls, but he had never been truly heartbroken over the breakups. They had never lasted long enough for him to care that much. Iris was the first person he’d ever developed a bond with that felt so substantial that he was almost terrified to see where it could go. He could easily picture himself falling in love with her when they reached the capital and always regretting the fact that he could never see her again after they separated.

So, when Iris said she didn’t care if they could only be together for a short while, he shook his head. “You say that now, but what happens when we get to the capital and actually have to part ways?” he frowned. “We’re only going to be out here for a few more days at best, so we should act like it. I just… I can’t hurt you, Iris. It’s for the best that we don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

Taking his own advice, he picked up her plate from the table and set it in her lap. “Eat those last two bites for me, okay?” he murmured, getting up from the sofa. “And drink the water too.” Needing to put some distance between them while he still had the strength of will to do so, he took his own empty plate to the kitchen to rinse it off.

[sukikyoufu]

Trying to avoid his gaze she didn’t want him to see the hurt in her eyes because she felt shameful over the fact, she had gotten her hopes up for a brief second. It was foolish of her to get her hopes up over him and the idea of them being together. She was a fool and she felt the stab at her heart with his words. I’m such a fool. I should never have said anything, I should never have thought it could work or even got my hopes up. The deafening thoughts made her feel heavy and everything was beginning to weigh down on her as the thoughts continued to spiral.

Although he told her not say it and although his words spoke about how she had been a better woman than anyone he met it fell on deaf ears. All she could focus on was the fact she was not good enough and that she would never be good enough for him. Feeling her lower lip tremble as she tried to push back the immense amount of emotions she felt as she didn’t want to break in front of him. Blinking away any hint of tears she tried to keep herself calm but with the high fever still apparent it was hard to keep them under control as much as she tried. I am not good enough, no matter what he says I will never be good enough for him. Who was I kidding? After everything I have done to him too, of course he wouldn’t want to be with me. Of course, I’m not good enough.

With her eyes downcast she could see the food now set in her lap from him and looking at the food only sent another wave of nausea through her. Focusing her little energy to keeping herself composed she could already feel herself growing weaker at the effort. Trembling in her place she looked at the food biting her lip she sighed, knowing deep down she could eat but she had no appetite for the food. All appetite had been lost and even the idea of drinking water made her feel sick. No. I won’t be finishing this, I can’t bring myself to anymore. Thinking to herself as she looked between the food and the bottle of water she had been given. Shaking her head, she moved putting the plate onto the coffee table with shaky hands before settling herself back onto the sofa.

The heat was too much and without even thinking it through she tossed the blanket to one side sighing heavily. As much as she knew how right he was, that it would be easier if they didn’t get too caught up with one another because parting would only be harder, she still hated to hear it. The way her heart longed for him wasn’t healthy and if they had become close once more the parting would be worse. Unable to find any words for him she didn’t speak, she just let him distance himself and busy himself as she tried not to look like she was moping on the sofa heartbroken.

[Rogue Sloth]

Even without looking at her, Cas knew Iris wasn’t any happier about the situation than he was. She had said that she was fine with being with him for just a few days, but he knew he couldn’t disregard the feelings he had for her so easily. He had a sneaking suspicion that she wouldn’t be that nonchalant about it either if they actually tried to go through with her idea. She was too caring of a person to have a fling with no strings attached. He knew because he was the same way.

His friend, Jay, had had a few hookups with girls and had encouraged him to ‘just try it’ on multiple occasions, insisting that he’d have fun. However, the furthest he’d ever managed to get was locking lips with a woman at the bar. Of course, someone had caught a photo of the event and it immediately hit headlines that the crown prince had “gotten some strange,” but he’d regretted his drunken actions after he’d sobered up. The girl had meant nothing to him, and he’d meant nothing to her aside from becoming part of a story she had probably told all her friends. Even though he’d thought she was hot, he’d realized that he couldn’t just hook up with women and carry on like nothing had happened like Jay did. He was too deeply entangled in his romanticized vision of being with someone whom he truly cared about. That paired with his budding feelings for Iris meant that it would be impossible for him to have a casual relationship with her before they parted.

Sometimes being an emotional person was a pain in the ass.

Setting his clean plate next to the sink to dry, he let out his breath in a sigh and glanced back at the sofa, only to find that Iris had completely disregarded his instructions. He wasn’t sure if she was doing it out of spite or if she was genuinely having a hard time with the list he’d given her, but either way she wasn’t doing herself any favors by foregoing nourishment and tossing away her blanket. When he’d finished cleaning his dish, he’d planned to retreat to one of the bedrooms to put some more distance between them, but he couldn’t do that as long as she was refusing to take care of herself.

“I know you’re mad at me, but protesting isn’t going to change anything,” he frowned, walking around the counter to approach her again. He stood on the opposite side of the coffee table and reached down to pick up the bottle of water she’d set aside but faltered before his fingers brushed the edge of it. As he looked down at the container, he furrowed his brows. The water inside almost looked like it was vibrating. In the next moment, he tensed as the vibrating grew more intense and was followed by a load roar outside.

Eyes wide, he spun around to face the window as a formation of Aspirian aircrafts flew overhead. They were bulky in shape, built to carry heavy objects rather than maneuver quickly like fighter jets. Bombers, the realization made his heart skip a beat. He’d seen them before, on the ground when they weren’t being used, but never in flight. The color drained from his face as he watched them drift menacingly over Bel Bicis like massive birds of prey. Surely his father wouldn’t have sent the military out to strike while he was still missing though? Atlas didn’t know where he was, so it was dangerous to start bombing districts when he could have been in any of them. Maybe he’s just trying to scare the rebels, he thought, clinging to a thread of hope. He wouldn’t launch an attack when I could get caught in the crossfire…

As he watched, his hopes were immediately dashed when the hatch on the bottom of the center bomber slowly opened, and a black mass fell from within. Time felt like it slowed down as the bomb hurtled into the next district over—the one he and Iris had been making their way toward less than an hour ago. In the back of his head, he knew what was coming, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He was too dismayed that his father seemed to be resuming the war without a care as to where he was. It almost seemed like the king wasn’t even trying to bring him back alive.

When the bomb struck the ground, he was ripped from his thoughts by a shockwave that made the entire housing complex quake violently. Not holding onto anything, he lost his balance and fell to his knees with a startled yelp. The image of the decimated plaza filled with corpses flashed through his mind, and his heart began pounding wildly in his chest. There were still two bombers left who hadn’t released their loads. If they dropped one much closer, the building might collapse on top of them, and there was nothing they could do to stop it. They were sitting ducks.

[sukikyoufu]

“I’m not mad at you. I understand why. I just, I’m too warm and I can’t eat anymore. I’m sorry.” Iris sighed softly as she rubbed her temples feeling the headache transpire from the whirlwind of emotions she felt. She knew deep down she couldn’t be mad at him; it wasn’t his fault they couldn’t be together, and he was right. As much as she hated to admit it even if they spent this time together or even tried with no strings attached when he was back at the Capital that would be it. They would never see each other again. The disappointment now would be far better than the heartbreak they would feel later on when they departed. Plus, she knew she was being an idiot at the idea of some kind of fling, there was no way she’d be okay with it meaning nothing because it meant everything to her. A part of her knew deep down that she’d never had a fling before, that just wasn’t her and as much as she knew she had dated Ethan she was certain they’d never done anything serious. Probably why he was a bit of a dickhead.

Glancing up as she felt the vibrating she was slower to catch on unlike Cas. Watching as he spun around to the window, she pushed herself off of the sofa on unsteady feet to join him wanting to see what was wrong. Forcing herself she made it to Cas to catch sight of the huge bulky aircrafts, feeling her heart drop at the site she recognised them as bombers. This hadn’t been the first time she had seen them, and she doubted it would be the last either. Looking aghast as she watched them she could feel her heart start to race at the idea they were coming for what remained of Bel Bicis, but as the hatched opened she could only watch in horror as a bomb was dropped onto the next district over. The one they would have been reaching had they not had to stop.

It was like a ripple effect; the ground shook beneath her and the building crumbled at the pressure. Falling to her knees much like Cas she grimaced as she looked up towards the ceiling, a small crack had begun to form running across the ceiling dangerously. “Cas. We have to go. Another quake we will be buried alive.” Whispering hurriedly as she scrambled to her feet the adrenaline pushing her through as she grabbed the backpack scurrying to put everything away that they would need. Already she was panting with effort, but they couldn’t hesitate, they could not delay as right now their very lives were at stake.

I can’t believe he would do this. Does he not realise Cas could be here? Worrying thoughts crossed her mind as she just about threw the backpack on her back before forcing herself to move to the door. Iris could feel her feet were unsteady and she knew the fast movements was making her feel sick, but she had to ignore it. They had to get out of here. The next district was probably in a state of panic meaning it wouldn’t be best to go there just yet, but they had to get out of this building at least. Just in case another quake toppled it over causing it to collapse in on itself.

Feeling her whole-body tremble as she moved out of the door to make their way to freedom it was a grim reminder of what those bomb could cause. Flashes of bodies crossed her mind; innocent people would now be dead all because she had been stupid enough to kidnap the Prince. This is all my fault.

[Rogue Sloth]

Iris’s voice pulled Cas from his shock. He hadn’t even noticed that she’d gotten up from the sofa until she had spoken from right beside him. Hurriedly, he nodded and scrambled to his feet as well, knowing that she was right about needing to leave before the building came down on top of them. The mental image of being buried alive was more than enough to make him move quickly, grabbing what he could from the kitchen counter before he followed her to the door to escape into the open.

While they rushed outside, his thoughts wound up back in the state of confusion he’d felt when he’d first seen the bombers overhead. He still couldn’t believe that his father had permitted an air strike on any of the districts when he was still missing. Was Atlas completely unconcerned with bringing him home? Even if he didn’t care personally about what became of him, he would have thought that the king would be eager to make sure his only heir survived long enough to take over the throne. Apparently, he’d overestimated his father even about that.

Normally, he would have caught himself when his thoughts edged into such insecurities, but for as optimistic as he was, even he couldn’t think of a reason why Atlas would be risking his life like this. No matter which way he looked at it, the monarch didn’t seem to care if he came home still breathing or in a casket. The realization made his chest feel tight. His own father cared more about fighting the Scourge than he did about his own son’s safety. He would have been lying if he’d said he’d never suspected it, especially since he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d heard the king say he was proud of him, but knowing it with certainty pained him like a knife through his heart.

Caught up in his thoughts, he barely registered that they had made it out of the complex. It was only when a second bomb dropped over the nearby district that he was brought back to the present. He inhaled sharply, unable to stay upright when there was nothing around to hold onto and the ground felt like it was being ravaged by an earthquake. At least this time, there was no roof over their heads to fall down on them. The breath fled from his lungs as he was knocked sideways by the shockwave and hit the pavement hard.

For a moment he didn’t move, gathering his bearings after he’d hit his head on the cement. When he was somewhat coherent again, he reached out for Iris’s arm—or whatever part of her was within reach that he could touch—and grabbed her clothes. “Just stay down,” he hissed, grimacing as he felt warm blood trickle from somewhere above his right temple. With nowhere safe to hide, being out in the street like this was the safest they were going to get. As long as the last bomb didn’t fall on top of them, they could survive the attack.

Although he knew their odds were better outside, his heart still hammered with panic. Without thinking, he crawled over to Iris and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest. The gesture was partly a futile but instinctive desire to shield her from the bombs with his body, but it was mostly prompted by his fear that they were still very much in danger. Waiting for the last bomb to drop, he squeezed his eyes shut and held onto her tightly, praying that it would fall far enough away that they wouldn’t be killed in the next shockwave.

[sukikyoufu]

Making it out of the complex Iris already felt dizzy, the rush of pushing herself through the fever and the fact she was frightened of them actually being killed was a lot to take in. It was no surprise when she went crashing to floor when another bomb had been dropped onto who knows what district. Crashing against the concrete harshly she let out a gasp of pain, unable to catch herself or hold onto anything meant she had hit the floor hard as the ground shook beneath her. The deafening sounds coursed through her making it feel like her head was going to explode as the destruction continued. Thankfully they had made it out of the complex as dust and debris went flying around them signalling that the building did not withstand the second quake.

Iris barely registered his touch until she felt the grab of her clothes, frowning as she caught his words of stay down. Opening her mouth, she felt the whimper leave her lips before she could say anything, something was wet and a part of her felt like it was blood but was it hers? She couldn’t feel the warmth, but then the fever was messing with her senses on the temperature of things throwing her off.

Panic and frightened Iris honestly thought the worst as her heart hammered away. We’re going to die here. Coughing from the fumes of destruction she could feel the tears leave her eyes as she feared for their lives, trapped in a district with no hope and she couldn’t see a way out of this mess. The districts were being bombed, Cas was most likely going to die before getting home and she was powerless against it all. The depressing thoughts resurfaced, and she felt like she was living in her nightmare.

Feeling him pull her into his arms she was pulled from the swirling dark thoughts and instinctively she gripped at his clothes. Trembling in his arms Iris buried her head into his chest as if his arms could shield her from the devastation. Keeping her eyes shut she wished she could feel his warmth protecting her as she knew it would make her feel better, but all she could feel was his arms holding her in place. As the last bomb hit, she couldn’t help but let out a pained cry, it hadn’t hit them, but it wasn’t far off, and the ripples of the last bomb only shifted more of the debris around them. Although they were safe out in the open, she couldn’t but feel exposed as any building could fall the wrong way or they could be hit by flying debris crushing them.

Panting as she tried to catch her breath Iris began to feel overheated as this last quake felt longer than the others. The land continued to grumble, rumbling away from the impact of the last bomb causing more buildings to shift or collapse. Unable to contain her shaking form her grip weakened on him as what little energy she had wavered hoping that there would be no more bombs or destruction on the districts before them. “Please stop… please.” Whispering to herself over and over as she waited out the last of the quakes.

[Rogue Sloth]

As they laid on the ground, Cas could feel the dust from the collapsed building settling in gritty layers over his clothes and hair. He was glad that Iris had had the sense to usher them out before the second bomb had struck. If they had stayed put, they would have been crushed. He shivered at the thought, clinging to her tightly in anticipation for the next explosion. He wasn’t ready to die, but he felt completely powerless to prevent it. When Regis had attacked him in the basement, he’d at least been able to defend himself. However, there was no way he could fight back against a bomb. If the aircrafts dropped one much closer, they had no chance of getting away with their lives.

Distantly, he could hear the whistle of the projectile falling through the air as the third bomb was released, and he held his breath anxiously. The missile hit the earth even nearer to them than the last two had been. He ground his teeth as a powerful gust of wind rushed over them followed by another jarring quake. What was left of the housing complex crumbled behind them, but none of the debris flew far enough to put them at risk of being hit. The worst of the blow was the trembling of the pavement beneath them and the deafening sound of the targeted district detonating.

Cas gasped for air, unable to hold his breath any longer, and coughed as he inhaled some of the chalky dust that was still swirling around them. His whole body trembled with a mixture of panic and adrenaline that had yet to fade. Until now, he hadn’t known just how traumatizing warfare really was, but now that he’d gotten a taste of what the destruction was like, he wanted nothing more than to make it stop for good. There were too many ruined buildings, too much violence, too many corpses. Trying to absorb it all left him feeling dizzy, and he wished he could go back to a time when he’d been blissfully ignorant of it all. But there was no going back. His eyes had been opened to the carnage in the nation he’d always thought of as a utopia, and he could never ignore it again.

As the aftershock from the bomb continued to resonate through the ground under their bodies, he cradled Iris against himself, feeling her shake uncontrollably while she whispered under her breath. She didn’t seem to be taking the experience any better than he had. Steeling himself mentally, he risked glancing up at the sky. The air was full of dust, so he couldn’t see clearly, but he could see the shadows of the bombers drifting further away. It looked like the worst of the attack was over. They were safe for now.

With a long exhale, he rested his head back down on the ground and closed his eyes, trying to recover from the shock of nearly dying. “It’s okay… we’re okay,” he murmured, partly to himself although the words were meant for Iris. He laid still for a few minutes longer before he shakily sat up. Letting his eyes rove over the buildings around them, his expression was dull. In the absence of fear, he was left feeling numb inside, too overwhelmed by everything that had happened that day to process it all.

“We should find someplace to take shelter,” he said quietly, turning back to Iris. While the bombs were falling, it had been safer to run outside, but now, they were back to the first danger they’d faced: being spotted by members of the rebellion. To prevent that from happening, they needed to find a place to hide out until she was well enough to keep moving.

[sukikyoufu]

Even with his soothing words of how they would be okay she couldn’t help but still feel frightened, they had been so close to danger, moments away from death. Had they not moved they’d be crushed by the building they had rested in moments before and it was scary thought. Iris didn’t feel right at all and even as she managed to sit herself up all colour had drained from her as her heart still raced on unable to calm herself down after what had just happened. It almost didn’t feel real. Feeling the thick coated air of dust hit the back of her throat she couldn’t help but cough which only made her head spin at the effort.

Finally, she managed to push herself into a seat position wincing as she felt the pain not realising how tender she was after the impact of hitting the floor. Trembling as she looked over at Cas eyes not in full focus as she listened to him saying they needed to find shelter. Touching her head, she could feel it was wet, furrowing her brow as she glanced at her fingers seeing her own blood knowing that she must have hit the ground with quite a force to cause her to bleed. It was nothing major as it wasn’t pouring out, but it was still an inconvenience to her as she knew they didn’t have the supplies to be dealing with all of this right now.

“A-Are you hurt?” Spluttering out as she reached out with her other hand touching his cheek with her feverish fingers, unable to stop herself from the touch as she had genuinely been worried they were going to die. Right now, she didn’t care about distancing because she wanted to make sure he was okay too, it wasn’t just her that had been affected. “S-Shelter... Right.” Whispering more to herself as she tried to get her thoughts together composing herself, but it was hard as she could still feel the fear that rooted her to the spot.

“I…” Overwhelmed by all the emotions she felt herself falter whilst she still shook, powerless to what had happened, and she couldn’t change it. “I don’t know what to do… I…” The bombings had completely derailed her, she knew the way back to the Capital, but they were surrounded by devastation only putting more obstacles in their way and making it difficult to get back to the Capital.

As her mind raced on what options they could take she felt panicked, her heart wouldn’t stop racing and she was finding it difficult to breathe as tried to calm herself down. I need to focus; I can’t be a mess. I still have to get him home. Trying to will herself to calm down as she moved picking herself up off of the floor though she was unsteady on her feet. Feeling the blood rush to her head as she stood up her hand rushed gripping it as she grimaced, everything was spinning, and it took a moment for her to stabilise herself.