Present Day
Even now, Mom insists on getting up early to make me breakfast. This is after I showed her all my self taught cooking skills from living in a dormitory my four college years, not that I could discern her criticism of it through that ageless glower. It's been a year since I graduated from the local university and moved back home, drawn into Mom's embrace again like our tied blood relation strings us both.
At least my workplace is closer than needed for a car ride. My job has been simple so far, sitting at the computer recording inventory of all our donations, and manning the front desk for any visitors inquiring about the services our charity provides. Sometimes I've been assigned as an assistant for whomever Boss entrusts recent hires to, so I follow senior case workers to beneficiaries in the community in order to distribute goods. And the pay's good enough for one more year before I head off to earn my master's degree. If there's any regrets to be had, my resume might gain little traction from even fibs like "Assistant Case Manager" or "Inventory Specialist," paid for costs of opportunities farther from my hometown.
As I walk by the church, reflecting on my sources of dependence, I remember something I lost instead in one of them.
Past Winter
When the funeral procession began for Raven Harlan I hadn't been present, mentally. I barely shuffled up the aisle in time with other attendees, my eyes dipped towards the feet of the coffin bearers. They were especially fixated on one bearer's purple high tops partly tucked under their slacks, still clashing with the surrounding black ensemble. I was wondering whether to express penitence for Raven myself as someone nudged then pulled me to my seat.
My body knelt in prayer for the Office of the Dead while my mind continued to wander. That moonlit night, I hadn't hidden nor taken Raven's necklace, not until the police arrived and collected it themselves as evidence. Presumably it was returned to the Harlan family after the investigation, in its broken, renounced state. Should I be praying for Raven's redemption, or would that even be respecting my willful friend's dying wish? With the times I skipped church myself while in college, I would need to reassert my own wavering faith first, already divided and tested among other significant figures in my life.
The only hint I had gotten from Raven before of any dissent, was once playing basketball against her. She suggested allowing me to make a quick prayer before she could contest my shots. I naturally retained my limited finesse, and we had stopped playing together once Raven wanted stronger competition. And now, she who once dared to overcome any larger challenge, I had found in some dark alley left for dead by everyone, even me.
I opened my eyes slightly glancing side to side, and I noticed her mother in an opposite pew, face under a veil. Her family sat beside her, and judging by their various states of bowed to near upright heads not all of them were religious. It occurred to me the one coffin bearer among them wearing the purple shoes might have done so out of pragmatism.
Father Harlan, himself in brilliant white vestments, proceeded to preach about the unknown journeys people must take after having arrived at every known destination. And one by one as some others rose to their feet in acknowledgment, offering their own thoughts and prayers, I realized most everyone except me was believing the same thing. Raven was still with them in spirit, on another path parallel to theirs. While I, I had just felt alone in the darkness since that night. No other light could shine brighter than the one I used to feel with Raven. The void beside me wouldn't be filled by anyone else.
Between then and preparing for today, I had thought of composing my own prayer to Raven and for Him to have mercy. But now I didn't want His light to shine upon me and bless me with any presence. I was alone and lost the only presence that I witnessed possess the individual drive she had, but she had still left me an example of strength. Perhaps it was this strength that separated us after high school, and I should cherish it as her parting gift.
I held back a bitter smile for hours, up to the Final Commendation and Farewell. As the coffin was treated with holy water and incense, suddenly the church doors opened from behind, and a man rushed down the aisle towards the altar. Raven's mother nearly lifted her veil to witness with the rest of us, this man trying to open the coffin lid and pleading Raven's name, before Father Harlan shoved him away then two other priests escorted him back outside.
The interruption had little impression on me though. Father Harlan announced that the Rite of Committal at the cemetery would be restricted to family only, before officially ending the funeral service. I became conscious of Dad tugging my sleeve and Mom frowning at me, as we made our way to the reception afterwards.
It was just my luck to meet an old "friend" and their family, as mine took aside hers for a chat. I had only joined her clique in church and school back then out of social necessity, and though there were some genuine people I liked hanging out with, she hadn't been one of them.
"Hey Angela, been a while. I'm...sorry for the loss, knowing you and Raven were close back then."
"Yeah hey...well you know, trying to move on by being here."
"Oh definitely, I wouldn't want what happened to her for anyone else."
"Uh yeah..."
"...So, are you done with university? Got a job?"
"Mm hmm, I work here at the charity now actually."
"Oh cool, I'm just starting out as an entrepreneur. And I found a boyfriend."
"Well, guess that's better than living with parents."
"Can't beat the free room and board though."
"I actually cook for them, dinner usually, since I got used to it in college."
"Oh, so you can cook..."
Her boyfriend swooped in, "A friend of my girlfriend is a friend of mine. We can invite you out to eat sometime, if you want--"
"I can cook too."
"Uh, sure babe..."
"Thanks, but I'd like some alone time for now. Wouldn't want to add to your list of needs for each other," I cut in, my "friends" then looking at each other in confusion.
"Thought so," I finally let go my smile.
Present Day
Boss got straight to the point for today, and I simply nod at this unprecedented turn of events. Me, finally trusted to act by myself for work, not only that but to do some counseling? I essentially shadowed my seniors in the previous cases we worked, looking over my shoulder while they did the talking. Now this is no chance to mess up, Angela.
Recalling my college courses, I think about how textbook my approach should be, balanced against what my peers had indirectly taught me in the field. Most of the clients we interacted with were adult heads of household however, their children or wards usually away from home like at school. It hits me then that Boss may have assigned me to counsel at a school, because I would be closer in age to the students compared to my coworkers. I clap my face in reassurance as my ride share pulls up, and minutes later I arrive at Kage Private High.
