[OOC] Ultimate Comics: DC - Shadows Among Us

[lydyn]

Unknown100 said
Well I’m not quite sure, what you mean. I have looked over my CS, and I really only found 2-3 places or so, that needed to be fixed (according to my understanding of the English language, of course).I realize, there are slightly different comma rules in Scandinavia (I use those, cause I’m from there), but after reading yours and mine (Based on the OC intro post of this RP) I do however come to the conclusion, that I could teach you where to place a comma. That possibly seems like a low blow, yeah. Hopefully you see it as a fair point, and believe that I have no intentions to analyze and argue over verbs and stuff. I just want to be sure that, that is not, what you are talking about. I assume your understanding of quality control, on an advanced RP, don’t involve that kind of grammar and syntax.Which lets me to assume that, you are talking about, how well I bend verbs and stuff like that, right?Well, as I wrote, I couldn’t really find much wrong with what, I had written before. And what I have written before is more or less the standard, I'm able to write with, once the IC starts. I guess that is bad news for me, because that does mean, I can’t be a part of the IC.Just because I was a part of the previous season (and a positive force I dare say so), you, of course, don’t owe me a spot on this one. This is your RP, your rules and your understanding of right and wrong (just like any GM).I do however (hopefully the other players will agree) believe, I deserve to walk out of this with a perfect understanding of what exactly was wrong/not good enough with my CS. Because, like I said, I couldn’t find anything wrong.EDIT: This is a shame, of course. I had really missed the previous RP and was excited to see it start again. There are also a lot of great people involved.

Maybe this will help? This is your original sample post;

“Ladies and gentlemen, for my first trick I will show you, how you can make your young ones happy, for absolutely nothing.”
Zatanna made a sensual walk over the circular stage. She was in the very same clothing, she would later in her life, fight crime in – her stage outfit. She knew, there had to be at least 4 experts watching on this night. But that was okay.

Tonight had been completely sold out, and at this point the only thing worth more to people than Zatanna herself, was how on earth she did those incredible tricks. That was what the experts were there to figure out. They hadn't had much luck with her previous shows though.

“How do you make them happy, without losing a single cent?” she repeated out loud. “How do you save a trip to the pet-store? Well… “. She took off her hat and spun it around. “Well, you pull a bunny out of your hat, of course.” A cute white rabbit, named Jeff, peeked out.
This was just the warm up, but ironically transporting Jeff all the way to the inside of her hat was the hardest part to pull off. Zatanna needed to handle the extra weight being placed in her hat and make the transition fluid. The rabbit had put on a few extra pounds over the following months, and he needed to be kept under the stage and brought up through the floor harmlessly in less than a second.
Zatanna's many big, glorious tricks were nothing but cheap illusions, covered up with a tiny bit of real magic. Pulling a bunny out of her hat was the only trick, that was completely real magic. And luckily only Zatanna and Jeff knew it – and Jeff's love for carrots made him easy to bribe… plus he couldn't really speak.

Here's the proof-read one;

“Ladies and gentlemen, for my first trick I will show you how you can make your young ones happy, for absolutely nothing.”
Zatanna made a sensual walk over the circular stage. She was in the very same clothing she would later in her life fight crime in – her stage outfit. She knew there had to be at least four experts watching on this night, but that was okay.

Tonight had been completely sold out and at this point the only thing worth more to people than Zatanna herself, was how on earth she did those incredible tricks. That was what the experts were there to figure out. They hadn't had much luck with her previous shows though. (Might revise last two sentences - very short when they can be combined.)

“How do you make them happy without losing a single cent?” she repeated out loud. “How do you save a trip to the pet-store? Well… “ She took off her hat and spun it around. “Well, you pull a bunny out of your hat, of course.” A cute white rabbit, named Jeff, peeked out.

This was just the warm up, but ironically transporting Jeff all the way to the inside of her hat was the hardest part to pull off. Zatanna needed to handle the extra weight being placed in her hat and make the transition fluid. The rabbit had put on a few extra pounds over the following months, and he needed to be kept under the stage and brought up through the floor harmlessly in less than a second.

Zatanna's many big, glorious tricks were nothing but cheap illusions, covered up with a tiny bit of real magic. Pulling a bunny out of her hat was the only trick that was completely real magic. Luckily only Zatanna and Jeff knew it – and Jeff's love for carrots made him easy to bribe… plus he couldn't really speak.

[Gowi]

Ben:

Personally? We didn’t really find much right with the CS at that end, and one of the moderation staff members noted that it was particularly difficult to read at times due to the lack of English grammar (I understand that juggling different laws of different languages is a feat in itself, but I’ve known people who’ve I’ve RPed with from foreign lands who don’t have this much difficulty grasping it). But its not just grammar; it's fluidity, formatting, and structure that leaves it all very so much jagged to the tongue. There’s also concerns of narrative and other stuff and some of us don’t feel entirely too confident and I’m not letting every CS in on a pass—that takes the enjoyment out of it for some of the other players, which as I’ve had, have discussed that with me. Though you are not convincing me with statements such as “that I could teach you where to place a comma” – do you want me to retort that we are not using Scandinavian grammar laws here? Do you wish for dramatics? I don’t want dramatics and I do not want to burn bridges.

I will not argue beyond this. I've told you what is and I will NOT drag the RP down over back-and-forth arguing.

[Unknown100]

That was a little less civilized, than I had hoped for.
In all fairness your understanding of where to place a comma is not just wrong my Scandinavian rules. It's wrong (or lacking) by the USA and English too. But who cares? I wasn't disturbed by your way of writing. I only notice things like that, when I analyses a sentence. I rather not take your writing apart and show examples, because I feel like that would only offend you. And again: It didn't stop me from enjoying some good ol' RP.
If you wanna give constructive criticism, then please be ready to occasionally receive it. Even if you believe yourself to be a better writer than someone, that doesn't mean you can do absolutely everything better than them. No one is attacking you.

As my post stated, I'm not out to argue. I only asked for one thing: An understanding of what exactly was lacking from my CS.
Simply stating that everything is wrong is not helpful to anyone, and slightly childish.
I don't expect to walk out of this agreeing with you. And I don't need to. If my only argument is that I disagree, then I will not write a response at all.
But if you tell me that nothing worked in my CS... then yes... I do think you are lying. Lying because you possibly think, that statement can make me angry or hurt me or something. I can sure as hell always find something good in everyone's posts, and I don't believe mine is so bad it would be hard to find (that possibly sounds like I'm angry because I use words like "hell", but I'm not). I actually don't consider my writing "bad" at all.

If I make you angry, then please take a small break to calm down before responding. I'm sure no one wish for dramatics.

You don't need you to make a long list of flaws or good/bad sentences about my writing. You could probably have finished explaining it to me by now, if you had chosen to focus on shedding some light on what I asked.

Just shoot me a PM with a statement about what you would advice me to work on and why. Just make sure you explain it properly. Now, you don't have to say what is good, just don't say that nothing was right (that doesn't help anyone, and again: It's childish). This is a simple task and quick to do. I can't make you, but from one writer to another: I do believe in all fairness I deserve it.

[Rade]

Ben, I will shoot you a PM and give you a few tidbits about what is lacking in your CS.

In all fairness your understanding of where to place a comma is not just wrong my Scandinavian rules. It's wrong (or lacking) by the USA and English too

But, I will say publicly the two sentences above are wrong regarding the English language use of commas, and I know a little about the subject as I'm an English major. This isn't meant to start a huge debate on the subject, but I can't disregard such an erroneous comment. (If you wish to further dispute this, do so out of the OOC.) I can't comment on Scandinavian grammar, but in the English language Lydyn's corrections of your comma usage are correct, for the most part.

[Gowi]

I will have a PM sent, but the only one who seems to have taken any offense is not me that much is clear. No ill intent was spoken in my previous reply only analysis offered by moderation consultants. That's the end on that subject.

Slade CS updated; if further revisions are needed, I'll make them.

How was a military/civilian psychiatrist even connected to the Mirakuru project? I think a recommendation would of likely came from Slade's command chain rather than his psych therapist. Unless Mirakuru was an experimental psychoactive drug and was meant to balance traumatized soldiers - but if that was so I don't understand why he went "rambo" on the doctors or officers involved.

A year after Mirakuru, he resigned from ASIS and killed everyone involved with manufacturing the serum, believing them to have forgotten all sense of honor and morality. - I'd elaborate on this one.

Archangel89 said
Hey guys, sorry for the absence but college is taking a lot out of me. I am in the works of tweaking my CS and finishing the sample but first I feel the need to ask...Gowi, do you have any comments or concerns about the way my CS has turned out so far, specifically the back story? I only ask since the major comment in every "criticism" (for lack of a better word) is quality control.

Stevens would spend the entirety of his childhood enamored with the idea of superheroes. - How was he enamored with the idea if superheroes only publicly appeared four years ago? Do you mean comic books? I'm unsure where this connection is made.

My big question is why you decided to melt the iconic Helm of Fate, though? I don't really understand why it's necessary when normally its the link between the god of order himself and the mortal plane.

So far it looks like the strongest concept you've had since you debuted as White Lantern in Bruce's version of this game.

[DeathstrokeSW]

Re-edited. I hope this time's the charm. But if it isn't I'll edit again

[Rade]

I'm still hazy on this part, DSW.

During their last mission, Billy and Slade were caught in Shanghai and tortured for 6 months to give up information;water boarding was the most often used. Billy broke, betraying Slade and ASIS. The two fought and Slade killed Billy at a cost-his right eye.

If they were being tortured, how did they end up fighting? They would have been restrained and under guard, I imagine, unless their captors were incompetent. So how did they both get loose and start fighting?

[DeathstrokeSW]

Billy turned on Slade and ASIS like he did in Arrow. Billy broke and talked.

[Rade]

Yes, I read that part, DSW. Still doesn't explain how they got lose from their captors. Even if Billy talked after being tortured, as everyone does eventually, their captors wouldn't just release him. So... are you able to rationalize how that occurred?

[DeathstrokeSW]

The Chinese pulled a fyers

[DeathstrokeSW]

Re-re-edited. Made it clearer why Billy talked and introduced Yao Fei

[Gowi]

I still would like to see the entire paragraph about the Chinese indoctrination and mission a bit more - it seems pretty simplified as is. I know you have it in you to fluff it out and detail it more, I remember your first post in last season's UDC which gave me the impression you were intent on developing it on a higher level.

[DeathstrokeSW]

Ok. That's it. Gowi-impression mode: Engaged.

[Enarr]

Sorry guys. But I'mma walk away from this one. My ideas for Kyle have alternative outlets I'd like to use them in.

[Gowi]

I'll be here if you get inspiration for a different character or whichever down the line. Glad to have you.

[Kingfisher]

| Identity | - The Joker

| Origin & Backstory | -“Something like that…Something like that happened to me, you know. I…I’m not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometime another. If I’m going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! HA! HA! HA!”

Less than little is truly known about the Clown Prince of crime; the story of his life being shrouded in mystery, superstition, urban legends and guesswork. Detectives, physiological experts, authors and more have all tried their respective hands at trying to piece together what made the Joker the way he is, yet thus far no one has even come close to deciphering that particular conundrum. No records exist of anyone even vaguely resembling mister J. No specialist can genuinely claim to have even the faintest inkling as to what goes on behind those feral green eyes. The Joker’s existence is a complete enigma; and that is truly terrifying.

What hellish circumstances spawned this being? What warped society allowed such a fiend to come into existence? How did someone seemingly so deranged and vicious manage to slip unnoticed under the ever-watchful eye of those that keep us safe?

Some say he was a two-bit mobster whose lust for anarchy and destruction consumed him, moulding him into something that was more monster than man. Some say that he is the by-product of a civilisation built upon sin and corruption; that he has come to lay waste to a fragmented world order, and that he will not relent until nothing is left but smouldering ashes. Some say that he was once as normal as you or I, and that he simply had one really bad day.

| Powers & Abilities |-The Joker possesses no Metahuman abilities, but fights with a ferocious vigour, sneaks through the shadows with deathly grace, fires a gun with worryingly accurate precision and seems to have a competent knowledge of various explosives.

| How is this character different? |- This incarnation is a slightly more calculating version of mister J, being a tad less spontaneous and a tad more cunning. He relies more heavily upon his own skills, as opposed to those of his minions.

| What is your goal with this character? |- To try and replicate the unpredictable and terrifying essence of the Joker, whilst also trying to contribute to an atmosphere that others can find fun and enjoyable to roleplay in.
| Sample Post |

His throat was dry, his vision blurred, and there was a dull ringing echoing in his ears. He ran his parched tongue over his cracked lips, but it yielded no moisture. On the inside he felt himself shaking violently, yet on the outside he remained completely still, gazing into nothingness with dead, emotionless eyes.

“Sir?

A thin layer of water obscured each eye, making everything turn blurred and glassy. He felt like he was an abstract being, watching someone else’s life unfold in front of him. He drifted aimlessly, caught up in his disembodied state, his grasp on the world broken and fragmented.

“Sir…?”

He slowly came around, blinking away salty tears, and looking the man who was addressing him straight in the eye. When he was younger they’d told him he was bad at making eye contact, something to do with his asperses, but right now he fixed the man with a cold, unwavering stare, his own eyes never once wandering astray, or seeking solace by burying themselves in some quiet, isolated corner of the room.

“Sir?!”

The sudden increase in volume tore him from his ethereal non-sleep, forcing him at last to re-join the realm of the living. Reality hit him like a fire truck, and he suddenly felt the whole of existence screaming around him.

“Sir…I’m so very sorry” There was a genuine sounds to the man’s tone, but neither his words nor the sympathy in his eyes did much to comfort him.
“If it’s any consolation it would’ve been fairly quick and…and painless. She…she wouldn’t have felt a thing.”

He still remembered the first time he’d laid his eyes upon her, the first time she’d graced by with her soft, sensual movements, the first time he had been blessed with the sweet, soothing sound of her voice. It had taken his everything to muster the courage to speak to her. He was so she’d be just another pretty face; that she’d turn out to be as hollow and lifeless as all the beautiful girls.

But she’d been everything he could have ever wished for. She had been so…perfect. They had been so happy together. And now she was gone.

“She wouldn’t have felt a thing.”

He wasn’t sure if he should laugh or cry or scream.

He felt sick.

If you hurt inside get certified, and if life should treat you bad…Don’t get even, get mad!

*

Unnerving didn’t even begin to describe the maniacal look in his venomous eyes. His face was thin and angular, his flesh far paler than anything that wasn’t devoid of all life had any right to be. His hair was a mess of toxic green strands, his cheek bones chiselled in an almost feminine fashion. His nose was long and crooked, and there were deep laugh lines visible on the corners of his mouth. His lips were red like fresh blood seeping from a gaping wound, his teeth vicious and yellow. His body was lean and gaunt, making him seem almost skeletal in appearance. He wasn’t particularly well-built, but there was definitely some muscle on his frame.

However, in the end nothing else need matter; for when the Joker smiled, he promised death.

[Gowi]

UDC canon said Harlequin – The Joker inspired criminal has yet to debut, but Marcie Cooper might just be one of many to envy The Joker’s madness.

UDC canon said In late October, the “Circus of Strange” rolls into Gotham City at the Haly Fairgrounds—The Joker “re-emerges” with accomplices Killer Croc and The Ventriloquist setting the stage to facilitate murder and mayhem. This becomes Robin’s most difficult and most personal fight yet. The Joker and Killer Croc are later captured and sent off to Arkham Asylum’s criminal wing after many injuries and casualties.

Curious how you are going to tie these in your Joker's IC. I'd love to see more in origin, but as it stands it looks pretty good to me.

[DeathstrokeSW]

Re-Re-Re edited. I hope you like it gowi!

[Kingfisher]

Gowi said
Curious how you are going to tie these in your Joker's IC. I'd love to see more in origin, but as it stands it looks pretty good to me.

Gracias, Signor Gowi.

Should my Joker be accepted, I'm sure it'll be an interesting and enjoyable challenge to play a Joker whose currently inside Arkham. I apologies for the briefness of the application; I was trying to go for an approach where a lot was left to be interpenetrated by the reader, I just hope it didn't come off as lazy writing :P

[Gowi]

Kingfisher said
Gracias, Signor Gowi. Should my Joker be accepted, I'm sure it'll be an interesting and enjoyable challenge to play a Joker whose currently inside Arkham. I apologies for the briefness of the application; I was trying to go for an approach where a lot was left to be interpenetrated by the reader, I just hope it didn't come off as lazy writing :P

Mhm, though I wouldn't mind if you told me (through PM?) about his disappearance between Haly's Circus and the Circus of Strange as well as how you're going to use the pre-established Marcie Cooper.

EDIT: To anybody who is wondering I think I'm going to open the IC fairly soon.