Nos Astra, Illium, Several Days Prior...
That took care of a huge chunk of Tanya's cut from the last job.
5,600 credits later, Tanya was now the reluctant owner of a fine strapless black leather and silver silk dress, a grey mink scarf (or more likely, some other terrestrial animal from an asari colony that was labeled as mink for human customers), a large ammolite pendant and the nicest pair of shoes that didn't involve large heels she could find, as well as a video tutorial for applying the horrifically overpriced makeup and cobalt blue nail polish she purchased. It wasn't an ideal situation, that much was certain. But if the heist was going to work, she had to look the part. She spent several hours scouring the extranet for rich fashions, vids of how millionaires acted, and brushing up on the bios of several of the very affluent people who would likely be in attendance. It was mind numbing and tedious, only made bearable with the liberal ingestion of hard liquor and periodic breaks to work on a new painting. Despite how she felt about Kosso's underhanded behaviour during the proposals, she wasn't going to let personal feelings get in the way of completing a contract and getting everyone home alive. If everything went smoothly, everyone would be in and out without issue, but that was rarely ever the case. If their cover was blown, the whole team would be fucked and caught in a situation where they were unarmed and armourless, not a winning combination against crime lords and their personal security detail.
Leaving the market district to a more scenic, open area, Tanya reflected on the state of Nova and how things stood with Kosso. She had believed he was someone she could trust, someone who readily was looking out for her well-being both on and off mission. It made his juvenile attempt to discourage the team from picking the Taetrus job that much more confounding, as it wasn't like the man who went out of his way to check up on her when she was wounded and seemed genuinely distraught about her being shot. Tanya couldn't shake the feelings the drell had used her, to what extend she couldn't be sure.
Oh, speak of the bastard. she thought bitterly as sure enough, looking out over the lower levels in the open Illum sky was Kosso himself, very much alone and not-at-all looking like he was doing anything particularly pressing with the stop over in Nos Astra. Every fiber in Tanya's body wanted to continue walking, to ignore him like she had since their altercation in the CIC. She'd do the damn job, even smile and play nice as the rich bitch that was supposed to be her cover, but past that, nothing said she had to pay heed to the man outside of her duties.
Yet, she knew that she couldn't let the boil fester and rot without lancing it to some degree. She knew, deep down, that the mission would fail without some form of mending to their relationship, or at least, throwing the discord out into the open.
"Oh, for fuck sake..." she said to herself as she turned towards Kosso, silently playing a dirge in her mind as she approached. It was exactly where she didn't want to be, and her pride was taking enough of a hit to be the first one to break the icy silence that enveloped them both.
She approached the railing beside him, keeping a few feet difference, more than a little symbolic of the rift that had formed. After several moments, she finally found it in her to speak. "I suppose we can't keep ignoring each other, pretending the problem doesn't exist. If your little heist is going to work, then the two of us need to at least find an armistice." she said, watching the people on the level below going about their business. "You want to explain how trying to scare people away from my proposition with speculation and unfounded paranoia was exactly going to help anything? The team's not full of idiots, Kosso. The point of the briefings was to pitch the idea to the team, just the known facts, and let them figure out what was best for the team.
"Instead, you try to make me look like an idiot who is going to get everyone killed and insult everyone's intelligence at the same time by assuming they wouldn't have come to the conclusion that my job wasn't what was best going forward without your attempts at heavy handed manipulation. So what I can't figure out is why you decided to pick right then, without any indication you were going to go at me like that, to turn the damn briefing into a competition to feed your own damn ego. I wasn't even going to comment on this damn heist because there was the risk of showing bias for my own job over yours, and you know what? I wouldn't have even minded that the vote convincingly picked your job over the one I proposed because that's what Nova decided, not us." She was launching into a rant, uncharacteristically emotionally charged than she usually dared let on, several day's worth of anger and frustration giving out like a dam that had finally failed. She didn't care.
"The team's bigger than both of us, and we aren't supposed to get personal over the work we do. You don't know any of that shit you said in protest about the turians going to own us, you just threw it out there to try and make people shit themselves so there would be a bias in your favour. They would have likely picked this mission over mine, regardless of you being an asshole. So I ask you; was it worth it? You come to me looking for support, and the first thing you do is try and turn everyone's opinion against me. You sure know how to engender loyalty." she said, finally getting out what was eating at her for the past several days.
Kosso didn't look at her for a few minutes. Instead, he continued to stare out at the Illium skyline, arms draped over the railing and back bent. Tanya's words echoed faintly into his ear, as if drifting from somewhere far away. They barely registered within Kosso's focused mind. All of his attention was concentrated on a building across the skyway, one of the shimmering glass monoliths that made Illium into the glimmering metropolis that it was. More specifically, he was staring at a particular window, a floor-to-ceiling at about eye level. Three from the center, two down. There, lit halfway between the evening sun and the shadows of the room beyond, she was standing.
At this distance, he couldn't see the expression on her face, only the tint of her blue skin, the outline of her form against the glass. But he knew it was her. He'd recognize that shape anywhere, at any distance. And this was, after all, their ritual. Years ago, whenever he thought there might be an issue, troubles on the horizon, he'd take a walk around the city to give himself a chance to think. Always, he would find himself here, at this very spot. He'd stand against the railing. And she would stand there, across the way, in their apartment, lips inches from the glass. He would pretend to be watching the sunset, but his eyes would always be drawn to her, and hers to him. They would just...watch each other, the chasm between them somehow comforting, a quick breather from the normally breakneck pace of their relationship. They would be locked there for hours, until the sun had sent, and then for a little while more through the haze of neon city lights, until he had had his fill of whatever he came here for, and he would wander home, back into her arms.
And now here he was again, in his spot, and there she was in hers. Just like old times. A memory, he thought, a bit sad and a bit angry. Nothing more. But it was nice to pretend. Just to indulge himself for a minute, get swept up in all the feelings he couldn't quite identify, just get lost in the moment. Across the steady stream of cars, she raises one hand, places it against the glass. He feels one of his own hands twitch in response. The urge to return the gesture, to raise a hand in acknowledgement, was almost overwhelming. But reality was still hanging around him, along his periphery, and it could not be ignored. With a quick clenching of a fist to steady his nerves, he finally turned to look at Tanya, the memory broken. He felt his pupils dilate back to their original state as he spoke with more focus than he actually had, hoping Tanya hadn't noticed him zoning out.
"I suppose I'm some kind of idiot, because I assumed that the point of that mission briefing was to discuss our options and collectively determine the best course of action for the team. Now, however, I understand that it was just some sort of pissing match between you and me. And I didn't play fair." He brought his gaze back to the skyline. She was gone, of course, the apartment window dark and shuttered. He focused his eyes on the dimming sky instead, continuing with a frustrated sigh. "This isn't a goddamn game, Tanya. You should know just as well as everyone else that the decisions we make as a team affect everyone on our crew. There is no 'bias.' My life hinges on our mission choices just as much as yours does, and I'll be damned if I have to throw my safety away for a mission I don't agree with without at least bringing up my thoughts on it. And yes, I do believe your mission is risky. Not the mission itself, that all seems fine. But if you really think the hierarchy has our best interests in mind, you're more delusional than I thought.
"You're not in Alliance anymore Tanya. Things are different. You might be used to having an entire army, hell, an entire fucking government watching your back, but now that's all gone. All you have now is Nova, and trust me, that equates to shit-all in the grand scheme of things. The galaxy is fucking massive, Tanya, and it doesn't care for the little guy. If we slip up, it'll crush us, grind us into dust. No one comes to the funeral, no one remembers our names. Quite frankly, the odds are stacked against us. We can't afford any mistakes.
"Trusting the Hierarchy not to give us a raw deal is a mistake. To them, we're just tools, ready to be used and discarded whenever they fell it's necessary. You think we have any value to them? There's a million other little merc groups just like us out there, cavorting around the galaxy and thinking they're hot shit, and I'm sure the majority of them would jump all over a job like this, too focused on the prize to take note of the consequences." He sighed again, straightening a bit as his eyes etched the city's skyline behind tinted frames. "If...if we get big, make a name for ourselves, make sure everyone knows better than to fuck with us...then things might be different. But they're not. As long as we're the underdogs, we have to assume that everyone else is looking to see us fail. To think otherwise is just setting us up for failure.
"Oh, and stop acting so goddamned high and mighty. You say the team's not full of idiots, but you certainly act like it. You really believe that my words at the briefing swayed everyone's opinion? Am I a serpent, leading poor little lambs astray? The crew can make rational decisions for themselves, Tanya. Stop acting like they're children, too weak-willed to resist my charisma."
He straightened fully now, turning to Tanya with an expression unreadable. "And as for the topic of loyalty..." he said conversationally, as if they were simply having a pleasant discussion about the weather, "I'd assumed our little agreement to watch each other's backs had been nullified. You certainly made that clear when you went to Tzvi with the mission details instead of me, not one day after you said you'd keep me in the loop. If you don't trust me Tanya, I understand, but don't lead me on. It's simply impolite."
His piece said, he settled back into his place against the railing, evening sun glinting darkly across his shades.
Tanya tried to look at what Kosso was staring at before deciding he was being a stubborn fool and she turned around, resting her back against the railing, her arms crossed. Her jaw was clenched as she listened to the drell speak, knowing that some of what he was saying made sense, but the man was paranoid, deluded, and full enough on his own hubris that he was liable to choke to death at any minute. Her fingers dug into her arms, and she stared straight ahead, not wanting to look at the green-scaled lizard man lest she do something stupid. "Thank you for making it abundantly clear to me I'm not a part of the Alliance anymore, Kosso. How silly of me for confusing a regiment of hundreds with a piss-pot of a small handful of us that barely seem to be able to grasp how to operate as a team without getting pulled into petty bullshit." she intoned sarcastically.
"And don't put words in my mouth, I'm not the one who's too insecure with his own goddamn operation that he feels the need to insult my judgement in front of everyone else while making his shit smell like roses. Like I said, I don't give a shit that your mission was voted for, it's the fact you don't seem to have enough respect for me to trust that I am not just throwing a mission pitch out there without giving the risks a moment consideration. You got a problem with the way I do things? Take it up with me in person. Don't fucking throw stones while everyone else is present. And what the fuck," she said, turning towards the drell, her face taunt with anger.
"Is this about jealousy because I contacted Tzvi instead of plotting every goddamn little thing with you? Did I break your fragile little feelings because I choose to trust more people than just you? It's not like we had much of a chance to talk around the time, and we're supposed to be trying to work together as a team, in case you mistake the concept of team as us verses everyone else. And I did trust you, you insufferable ass. I was glad you came to me because you were the only person who thought enough look after me after Roland finished fixing me up. I just didn't think you were the jealous type that doesn't like the concept of sharing me with others. Don't worry, Kosso. I'm not that into girls." she sneered, turning her head away from the drell. "You think I think everyone's a goddamn idiot, and you're the one who decided to preface our agreement with more or less saying," Tanya lowered her voice, making it more raspy. "'I can't trust anybody else because they're emotional idiots who have death wishes, severe emotional trauma, and they're all self-serving. You're like me! Let's be friends'." the woman sighed, shaking her head. When she spoke again, her tone was normal, the biting edge gone.
"You misunderstand me, Kosso. I want to trust the others, and if that means building bridges, then it's what I am going to do. It doesn't mean I intended to cut you out of everything, I just didn't think you expected me to tell you every little detail that's related to work. I certainly didn't meant to imply I thought the others were swayed by your biting words at the briefing, but that it seemed like you were counting on it. Maybe it's just the way you are. Maybe you're just paranoid, and it's clear we have two very different ideas of what it means to be mercenaries. Why is it we can't just meet half way, Kosso?" she asked. "You asked me to trust you in the medbay, and I chose to do that. Just because I went to Tzvi instead of you about the job wasn't to spite you or keep things out, but because how is it going to look to everyone else if the two of us do everything together, making the same decisions and speaking with the same voice? They're going to think that we're cutting them out, Kosso. That the two of us are conspiring with one another while not trusting anybody else. I don't want to live like that, but I was hoping that maybe you were going to be an island I could depend on when shit started to get crazy." She sighed, closing her eyes. "Look. I have a hard time connecting to anybody and I have a hard time opening up to people. I keep everyone at arm's length so I can't be hurt and nobody thinks they're close enough to ask the hard questions I'm not ready to face. You were the first person who I thought I could take that chance with on the team, and look how that turned out. Do you understand? I lost everything, and this team is the closest thing I have left to a family and I'm too afraid to let them into my life because running away is the only thing that works. I know it's stupid and I need to face shit sooner or later, but you probably know as well as I do how hard it is to let people into a life you don't think they'd understand."
When Tanya lashed back at him, Kosso couldn't help but feel a little guilty. He felt like he hadn't played fair, like he'd broken some unspoken rule by bringing up Tanya's past. That was supposed to be a topic of no discussion, as it was for every member of the crew. They had all come to Nova with an effectively clean slate, grasping for a chance at a life where no one knew the things they'd done or the people they'd been. To reference Tanya's history, to even make the slightest mention of her past life...it felt like a low blow, and honestly Kosso felt a little ashamed.
Of course, that shame quickly firmed back into anger as Tanya continued her argument. As much as he hated to admit it, most of the things Tanya was saying sounded fairly sensible (wasn't that why he'd sought her out in the first place? Because she had such a level head? He was starting to regret the whole thing now that the whole thing seemed to have had backfired on him), and she had obviously given this a lot of thought. But she was so goddamned stubborn, so fucking driven, as if this was all just some sort of mission that she just had to work through. A list of objectives to cross off, a prize to take, a home to return to once the whole thing was done. Like everything was black and white, a matter of trusting the team or not. Couldn't she see that reality was a hell of a lot more complicated than that?
Just as he was about to interrupt with his own heated opinions, however, she said something that struck him like a slap across the face.
"...because running away is the only thing that works."
"You're going to have to face this shit sooner or later!"
Her voice is sharp when it's angry. Like the sound of knife against metal. Distinct, and somehow metallic. Under other circumstances, he would love it, like every other part of her. But now its directed at him. And he doesn't want to hear it.
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He says through gritted teeth. Falsely calm, as if she can't see right through him. He rummages around through the kitchen drawer. His back to her, not having to look into her accusing eyes. Looking for the car keys instead, and having no luck. The clanking sounds of his desperate searching aren't enough to drown her out.
"Bullshit, Kosso. You can't just keep avoiding the issue. We need to talk. About the future."
He closes the drawer with more force than intended. It sounds like a gunshot, makes him flinch. He opens the next drawer down, resumes his rummaging. "You've made it perfectly clear that you don't want to talk about that. So just drop it." Where were the goddamned keys?
She moves closer. He wants nothing more than to turn and melt into her arms. Wants nothing more than to get the keys and get out of here. "Kosso, I already told you...I won't...it won't be like that." She sounds like she's on the verge of tears. That's what almost kills him, right there and then. He always thought of her as the strong one. To hear her on the verge of breaking, unable to find the right words...it's more than he can stand. "Just...let's talk about it, Kosso. About the future. About the past. About...everything. We'll stop pretending like it all doesn't matter."
He finds the keys at last, just as her hand grasps his shoulder. He shrugs it off, clutching the keyring so tightly that the metal bites into his scaly skin. Walks away, quicker than he'd like and yet not quick enough. "Going for a drive. I'll be back later." His voice is flat. Emotionless. Dead.
Her voice catches him when he reaches the front door. "You can't keep running from this, Kosso." He only hesitates for a moment. Then he walks out without looking back.
The memory came on hard and fast, catching him up within its terrible, familiar rhythm before dissolving and dropping him rudely back into the present. Kosso blinked slowly, as if to clear the sleep from his eyes. When he looked back over at Tanya, he half expected to see her there, that same disapproving look on her face, as if to say, "Still, Kosso?" But it was just the same Human ex-marine that had been chewing him out for the last few minutes, her expression slowly souring more and more as Kosso continued to remain silent.
He took a shaky breath, glancing away into the skyline for a second as he tried to calm his nerves. That...had not been a pleasant memory. Not one of the worst (He briefly saw flashes, of a hospital bed, of a loaded gun on an empty table, of many things too fast and terrible to comprehend), but certainly not one of the best. And as much as he tried to suppress the sudden nausea roiling in his stomach, it had severely shaken him up.
With the words of the memory still echoing within his head, he somehow managed to compose himself. Where the fuck had that come from!? He usually had his flashbacks under control, and when they did occur they tended not to be so vivid, so wrenching. They'd always been pretty bad, had been for a few years, but they only seemed to be getting worse. He was beginning to think he might be starting to lose it. Still, he couldn't help but feel as if the memory had come to him for a specific purpose. With an inward sigh, he realized what he had to do.
Straightening, he turned to Tanya and removed his glasses. This was the first time she (or any of the crew, for that matter) had seen him without his shades, and already he could feel the familiar anxiety that always crept in when he wasn't wearing them. Still, he forced himself to make eye contact with her, his face expressionless. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had been betrayed. That was never my intention." He said, plainly and honestly. "Nor was it my intention to offend you, or to make you feel like your trust would be misplaced. I get that it can be hard to trust people, for obvious reasons. But you were right when you said that we need to trust each other as a team if we're ever going to make it. So I'm sorry if I sort of fucked that up." He paused, realizing for the first time how close they were. The fact only served to compound the feelings of vulnerability that were threatening to seize his body.
"But believe me Tanya, I want what's best for this group. And I meant what I said. This line that we're walking is really fucking thin, to say the least, and one slip-up could cost us everything. I know you want to think that we can trust everyone on the crew, that we can all eventually come together to make this work. But I'm not so sure it'll ever work out that easily. We're all just strangers, after all. I came to you because I thought you were smart, because I thought I could trust you and that you could trust me. I still think that. What happened at the briefing wasn't personal. I was just trying to be realistic. I guess I just didn't go about it the right way. So...I'm sorry." Suddenly, he ran out of things to say. It wasn't often that he made an apology, and he was probably more than a little rusty. He wondered if she'd even believe he was being sincere. So he just lasped into silence, struggling slightly to maintain eye contact with Tanya and somehow succeeding, at least for the time being.
It was jarring, seeing Kosso's dark, weathered eyes. To Tanya's knowledge, Kosso never removed them outside of his own privacy for any reason, and no one on the ship could even fathom a guess as to what his eye colour truly was. It was a popular joke amongst the ship that Kosso didn't actually have eyes, and he could only see with his glasses on. Seeing him bare before her, willingly exposing his true self to her, Tanya found herself momentarily speechless, something of a first for her. Kosso's glasses were more armour than a stylish fashion choice, she knew. It was just something else altogether to see it in person. The drell's pain was evident as he looked at her after being pulled into a eidetic memory, catching her completely off guard. She was expecting a fight, a sarcastic retort, something to continue fueling the fire that they had started. The woman turned her head away to hide her embarrassment. Red was not a flattering colour for her. It was like seeing Kosso for the first time, not as an impenetrable wall of sarcastic wit and condescending disposition, but as someone who was afraid. The burning indignition, the anger, it was gone, snuffed out like a candle.
"I... it's okay, Kosso. I shouldn't have gone after you like that. I guess this whole trusting each other unconditionally thing is tougher than it sounds." she let out a weak laugh that could have easily been a sigh. She looked at Kosso's eyes, her own grey ones lacking the hard edge like steel like earlier, appearing much softer and sadder. "We both fucked up, we're just too damn stubborn to admit when we're wrong. I've just been so afraid of fucking up, losing control and sight of who I am. I mean, if I can't believe in myself, then how is everyone else supposed to?" She said, her legs feeling weak. She found herself a seat close at hand, and she fell into it hard, her elbows resting on her knees and her hands cradling the back of her head, facing the ground. She took a few moments to gather herself with a few deep breaths, bringing control back to herself.
"I believe you, you know. I know you want Nova to succeed, to work. It means as much to you as it does to me, and I think we both found an island to call home, to feel safe at. I don't want to be cast out at sea again, so to speak." she looked back up at Kosso, her face drawn into a long frown. "I know it's not going to be an easy thing, maybe it's not even possible, but I can't stop trying to believe that we can all be something better, to break past the shit that drew us into this desperate gamble we call a merc outfit. I'm... glad you came to me, Kosso. I'd be lying if I said I had always hoped you would, the dark, shady drell who keeps everyone apart from him even more than I do showing me who he really was. You were always among the more professional of everyone, and you always seemed to have a way out of anything. Nothing ever caught you off guard... you were, I don't know, a safe bet. Stable, I guess is the word, like a mountain. I guess I mentally latched on that I forgot that sometimes even mountains have loose rocks. I shouldn't have gone after you like that, but your apology is accepted all the same. I just hope you can extend me the same courtesy." she sighed. "It might take me a little while to really build the trust back up again, to not feel exposed. But I'm going to try. I don't quit on things I care about."
Kosso smirked a bit as he slipped his glasses back on, relishing the chance to shield his eyes. They slid back into place easily, resting among the ridges of his face where they belonged and setting his nerves at ease. "No, you don't, do you?" He said, shaking his head slightly in quiet fascination. He didn't think he'd ever met someone like Tanya, someone who was obviously smart enough to see the filth that covered the galaxy and still held onto the belief that with enough passion and enough drive, something good could come of it. Normally, Kosso would simply think she was a fool. Now, however, the only emotion he could muster was some uncomfortable mixture of admiration and sadness. He didn't agree. Couldn't agree. He'd seen too much, done too much, to really believe that Nova would make it through the gauntlet unscathed. But maybe, in some fantasy world where that was possible...well, Tanya was probably the kind of person who would make it happen.
A not-uncomfortable silence fell over them then; He leaning against the railing with crossed arms, covered eyes on the darkening sky, and she on a nearby bench, head resting within one hand. Kosso felt like the runner at the end of a long marathon, his little foray into emotional vulnerability leaving him practically winded. He wondered idly if he'd regret it later. Probably. He knew from experience that things like that had a tendency to come around later and bite him in the ass. But for the moment the effort seemed to be appreciated by Tanya, who had cooled down and now appeared to be on better terms with him. He'd put out one fire, and if that meant having to fight more in the future, well then that was just something he'd have to deal with.
"There's one other thing you should know. About Kahje." He finally broke the silence, eyes still fixed on the clouds. "I know Luek. Personally, I mean. He and I go way back. And we're not exactly friends." His words were careful, precise. His early confession had been made on the spur of the moment, but this one was a result of careful consideration. If things went to shit on Kahje, it would be better that Tanya knew the truth know rather than later. "Don't worry, he won't recognize me. I doubt he even remembers that I exist. If I thought there was any chance that our 'history' would jeopardize the mission, I wouldn't have made the plans.
Tanya said nothing as she regarded Kosso steadily, nodding for him to continue. A part of her wasn't surprised that there was a personal angle with this mission for Kosso, and the other part of her was curious how this development came to be. She listened intently as Kosso shared more information regarding this contract. She doubted Kosso would have willingly put everyone at risk, like Kasyra did, but she was eager to see how he was going to explain a mission where the quarry they were supposed to deceive knew who he was.
"I was furious at Kasyra for getting us involved with the Blue Suns when she had her own bone to pick with them, and I meant what I said. 'You don't mix personal business with real business. End of discussion.' So maybe I look like a bit of a hypocrite." He fixed his steely gaze on her, voice as solid and unwavering as granite. "But I'm not. Trust me, he's going to get what's coming to him. I don't know what kind of mental image you have of the guy after the briefing, but let me tell you, he's worse than that. He's one of the most vile, cowardly, self-serving pieces of shit I've ever had the misfortune of meeting in this wide galaxy, and whatever pain or loss our actions on his yacht might cause him, he deserves all of it and more. But it is only business. I planned this mission because I think it's Nova's best bet, not because I want to fulfill my own selfish fantasies. I'm not out for revenge.
"I'm telling you this because we want to be able to trust each other. So here's the first test. I'm trusting you to believe me, hell, I need you to believe me: my own feelings about Luek won't get in the way of our job. Business is business, and this is a job like any other. I could have just kept this a secret, and everything still would have played out the same. I just figured you had a right to know." He shrugged, looking off into the distance again.
After several moments of consideration, mostly just for effect, Tanya smiled conspiratorially before raising up and rejoining Kosso at the balcony's railing. "And what job is never personal, Kosso? If Luek's the slimey wanker that you paint him as, well, I'd say we'd be doing a galaxy a great disservice for not fucking with him. I appreciate your confidentiality on this, I know it can't be exactly the easiest thing, but I want you to know that I'm still behind you on this. I trust your judgement, and the fact you let me know instead of springing up up during the mission is what matters. I wouldn't have cared about Kassy's personal angle nearly as much if she just leveled with the team before we even deployed on Omega. I'll keep your personal involvement with Luek between us, don't worry about that. I leave it up to you if you think it's something the others should know." she frowned, looking out over the balcony at the sea of asari and the minority of aliens on the catwalks below. "Although, I suspect the reception from some of them may be less than stellar. Distractions before a mission don't help anyone."
Tanya drummed her fingers on the railing, her face a mask of anxious concentration. Eventually, she spoke. "Okay, my own confession time, since we're getting personal. I'd be lying if I said the whole Taetrus mission on my part didn't have a bit of personal importance to me, and not because of the Captain. I'm not sure how much you know about my history, but my father was killed over Shanxi during the counter-attack during the First Contact War when the turians took his ship out. I was nine at the time, so you can imagine how much it sucks to find out that the dad you loved to death was killed in first contact with aliens in a big, wide galaxy we were just discovering. It took me a while after the truce to really come to terms with the fact the turians were just upholding what they understood to be the law instead of militant assholes who slaughtered thousands for whatever reason, my father included." she sighed, smiling in thought. "My father was one of those people who were so excited at the prospect of discovering intelligent life among the stars, to live through a whole new era of human history. You'd mistake him for a child when you got him talking about how wonderful it was being among the first humans to settle outside of our solar system, nothing seemed to get him down. Anyways, I'm getting off point." she apologized. "My father used to tell me when I was old enough about our family history, and how nations whose armies killed some of our ancestors in war were now our friends and so on so forth, but in the end, we're really not so different than the man on the other side of the battlefield. I tried to apply that to the turians, but... they were too alien, and it took a long time for me to come to terms with that my father's advice still applied. Still," she said, turning back to face Kosso.
"It's one thing to tell yourself that and another to believe it. I haven't really had contact with the turian military or government at all, and when they offered us that job I wanted to see if I could kind of bury that hatchet and find peace over my father's death by seeing the more... human side to the turians. I understand military operations and doctrine, and I figured by working cooperatively with the turians, I'd be able to appreciate them as something more than the powerful military of unknowable aliens that killed my father. It's one thing to know a turian, like Tillus, on a personal level. It's another to know what their government's like. I know it's screwed up logic, and it doesn't effect my judgement one way or another, but I guess I'm just looking for an opportunity to break that wall down and resolve something that's been troubling me since I was a little girl. Figured you had the right to know." she said with a sad smile. "Hopefully that illuminates a part of the reason I took what happened in that briefing to heart. It wasn't just about the job, it was about finding closure of sorts. Doesn't make our little spat any more proper."
Kosso just shook his head, getting a bit frustrated. "You don't have to give them any credit, you know. See, this is exactly what I'm talking about: The Turians were overzealous, so blinded by their commitment to a set of 'rules' that they started a war with an innocent species instead of seeking understanding. Your people didn't deserve what happened to them. They had no reason to think they weren't alone in the galaxy, and they barely had any warning before the Hierarchy started firing on them. I would think that would serve as a suitable wake-up call. Nothing says 'this galaxy is out to kill you' more than 30 million tons of mass-accelerated metal smashing through your advance fleet." Kosso sighed, rubbing one hand over his scaly head. "But that doesn't seem to deter you. Despite the fact that your first introduction to citadel space was literally at the end of a gun barrel, you can sit here next to me to day not even twenty years later and talk about 'appreciating' the very same organization that killed your father. I just...I don't get it." He gestured emptily at the dark horizon. "And say we do go to Taetrus? We kill a bunch of Turians, for the Turians, and everything goes off without a hitch...what does that prove? That they aren't all bad? Of course they aren't. But when we're talking about an intergalactic power like the Hierarchy, we're not talking about individuals anymore. All it takes is a few bad men to turn the whole thing to shit, and in the Hierarchy, I'm sure there's more than just a few. How can you really think-
He cut off suddenly, realizing that his words were once again turning heated. Why was it so hard to talk to Tanya without getting into a fight? He sighed again, leaning against the railing with crossed arms. "All I'm saying is: in a galaxy as wide and deep and utterly fucking dangerous as the one we're in now, the only thing you can really rely on is your own perception of the people around you. The Hierarchy has several billion Turians scurrying around the galaxy; same for the Asari and the Salarians and everyone else. There's no way you can look at them and assign such arbitrary values like 'trustworthy' or 'honorable.' All you can do is judge the individuals, and hope you get it right. And I don't know about you, but I try not to rely too much on concepts as flimsy and dangerous as 'hope.'"
He chuckled softly. "Trust is a dangerous game. Hell, we can't even trust everyone on the Tyrus. As much as I'm sure you want to trust our team, you obviously don't. At least not completely, not yet. And if you're not sure you can rely on the people you share a ship with, how could you be so optimistic about the intentions of everyone else in the galaxy?" He lapsed into silence, trying to search for more words and failing. Tanya was smart, so why couldn't she see what he did? The more he thought about it, the more frustrated he got. It didn't help that he couldn't figure out why he cared so much in the first place.
"I'm sorry about your father." He said finally. "He sounds like he was a..." The word 'fool' almost left his lips before he caught it. "...good man." The words were hollow. Kosso was sure he was a good man, in as much as 'good' could be quantified. But he couldn't deny his original assessment of the man. He'd spent his life watching the stars, wondering, dreaming, hoping for something greater and more profound. Passed off the burden of hope to his impressionable young daughter. He'd probably kept that childlike wonder all the way to the end, to that instant when cold, hard reality caught up to him above the surface of Shanxi. Was there any other definition for a fool?
The night is quiet. Kosso sits within his own special place, atop the dry dome. Amid the cooling towers and sleeping-seabirds, he rests. Pokes tenderly at his bruises. Gasps quietly in pain as his finger slips accidentally against a gash on his leg. The seabirds raise their drowsy eyes at his exclamation, before tucking their heads away beneath their wings, uncaring.
He should be sleeping, too. Kirn will be expecting him early in the morning, as always. Five minutes tardy will mean another bruise; ten, another gash. But he can't help himself. Up here, no one can find him. He can relax, if only for a moment. Things are different here.
Slowly, he leans back. Head comes to rest against the silently humming generator at his back. The stars are spread across the clear night sky like spilled pearls. They shine in bands and patterns too large and deep to be knowable; he attempts to trace them anyway with his eyes, counting. Wondering. The rhythmic beat of the ocean, drifting from far below, lulls him slowly to sleep. The shapes of the stars are still emblazoned within the darkness of his mind as his eyes close, already dreaming.
Kosso shook the memory away, angry at its intrusion and all the implications that came with it. He had a special kind of hatred for those memories, the ones that reminded him of a time when he was young and naive. How could he ever have been so stupid? And yet, the steady drumming of the Kahjean sea still echoed in his ears, a remnant of the fading memory. Once, that sound may have been calming, but now the it just seemed sinister. Ominous, even, given the fact that he'd soon be returning to that very planet, one he'd thought he never set foot on again. He glanced up at the sky, but brilliant city lights drowned out the stars, leaving him with nothing but a dirty haze to gaze at as he pondered.
The engineer didn't interrupt Kosso's raising tempo and pitch of voice, the tectonic shift of fury that dwelt within the drell. She listened to him as she gazed down at the passing crowds below, gently wringing her wrist to give her hands something to do, as she usually did when she felt vulnerable. Usually, on the Tyrus, there was something to tinker with, something to paint, anything to captivate her attention long enough to put her hands to the purpose of something creative and purposeful rather than destructive and unsure. She didn't want to fight, especially concerning where her father was concerned, so she let Kosso's words, his lack of empathy wash over her. What had happened to the drell that he was so distrustful and paranoid about the galaxy, about everyone? She was not a fool, she had seen the worst the galaxy had to offer... but she also had seen the best. It was something to strive for. To Kosso's credit, he tried to salvage the situation, feeling utterly uncomfortable, without conviction behind his sympathies. At least it was a start. He was trying.
"Yeah. He was." she said after a time. It hurt thinking about her father like this, to have his honour and integrity questioned by this dark, troubled man who didn't know a damn thing about him. Pain at the loss surged through her, like a fresh wound. She closed her eyes, inhaling in a jagged, uneven intake of strange alien air as her body trembled ever so slightly. She tried to bury her feelings; it did her no favour to expose herself like that to Kosso- to anyone. She'd already shed enough tears over Lieutenant-Commander Eric Carson, she made her peace. So why the fuck did it hurt so much? She took a moment to compose herself, running a hand down her face, sniffing in anticipation for the obnoxiously unflattering runny nose that went hand in hand with tears.
"If you don't try to move on from the past, and the other side doesn't, where does that leave you?" she asked rhetorically, staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused. "My father died doing what he believed in, and he would have been happy to see how the conflict panned out. It's just... it's a damn shame he still isn't here to see it. It's something of a Carson family tradition to serve and die in military service. Not everyone comes home from war, but it takes a real man to stick up for his convictions. My father always said that you needed to be prepared to die to defend what you love, because not everyone would do the same. Humans have been real shitty to each other over our history, Kosso. Anything terrible that happens in this galaxy, no matter how unfathomable, no matter how unbelievably depraved and viscous, we lived through that and more on Earth. Countless millions died climbing to be where we are, and for once, after thousands of years of history, humanity finally stands united. It wouldn't have happened if people didn't set aside their hatred and fear of one another. We've seen our share of genocide and war, of slavery and dictatorships. Someone would always try to oppress someone else, and it was times like that that someone had to stand up against the oppression, to say 'enough is enough'." Tanya said.
"The best thing that ever happened to us as a people was when we discovered that Prothean ruin on Mars. It told us that somebody else was out there in the inky voids of space. It told us that if we didn't get our shit together and stand united, we'd lose against someone who did. Do you know how incredible it is to see centuries of nations and ethnic groups who have done nothing but hate each other join together, united for the first time in history? That's what the Systems Alliance is, Kosso. It's not a fractured government, it's not a group of militant assholes who want to make the galaxy kneel before them. It's humanity at its finest, the humanity that will stand up against oppression and not back down when things look bleak. The humanity that's not afraid to reach out and put aside animosities for the greater good. Yes, we're impulsive, we're reckless, and we're overly ambitious. We're learning where we belong in a galaxy that less than a generation ago, we didn't know existed." she looked at Kosso, her grey eyes boring into his sunglasses. "If we weren't willing to try and find peace with the turians, to forgive their arrogance and their mistake, where would we be? Another rogue race like the batarians who don't know how to forgive, ready to lash out against any who have wronged them."
Kosso scowled, shook his head in frustration when Tanya told him the inspiring story of how Humanity had all worked to get their collective shit together, the emotion breaking through despite his best efforts. "Well if you have so much faith that your people can keep this galaxy in order, they're more than welcome to the damn thing, as far as I'm concerned. Maybe your people really are different, really are special, if they think they can put all their base savagery aside just because they've met some new and weird-looking friends. But don't fault me if I think there'll come a time when you realize that every other race has had the same thought process, only to wind up back in the thick of all things they'd thought they'd left behind. Just because you change the scenery doesn't mean you change the game; the galaxy is just as vicious as any planet the spacefaring races have left behind, seeking something "better." Moreso, even." Tanya just ignored his little rant, dismissing it with one easy smile. Gods, he was really starting to hate when she did that. Was there anything that could break down her ideals?
"Kosso," she reached over, placing her hand on his wrist, an uncharacteristically intimate gesture. "What has blackened your soul so much that you refuse to see anything good about the galaxy and the people in it? In what world should it be that so many races, be they human, drell, asari, turian, hanar, salarian, people so impossibly different that couldn't have possibly understood each other decided to trust one another and build a galactic community where against all odds, it’s thriving and there's a peace. Look. There." She pointed down at the storefronts on the level below.
Tanya had picked out a couple, a turian man and a human woman outside of a pet store, the woman becoming animated and tugging at the turian's arm. He half-heartedly tried to protest as she indicated to some small fuzzy animal that Tanya had no idea what the hell it was. The woman leaned up, kissed the turian on the mandible, who reached up to touch the place, as if to preserve the moment. He relented, and the two went inside. "You know, there's a chance that their parents had fought one another in the First Contact War, and look at them. They don't give a shit about that, they found something in common, fell in love, and against all stupid fucking odds, are marching into a pet store to buy something that looks like a dust ball with thimbles for feet. If everyone thought the way you did, none of this would happen. We wouldn't be standing here, on an asari world, buying alien clothing that's based off of other alien's designs after eating food cooked by yet again other aliens in preparation to get flown to another planet where you're from to fuck over an alien who's been a real bastard to all sorts of other aliens. Speaking of which, what the fuck would the drell have done if the hanar didn't see hope in your people? Didn't see the potential in your kind and trusted you all into their homes?"
Kosso watched the couple enter the pet store, arm in arm. It almost seemed as if there was weight on his own arm, a limb intertwined with his, a familiar presence at his side. A memory. He grit his teeth. She's. Not. Here. But there was someone next to him. Kosso glanced down at where Tanya's hand rested atop his, as if recognizing its presence for the first time. How did it get like this? How had she gotten so close, without him even noticing? Even as his anger flared, she answered only with smiles and kind gestures. What the hell kind of game was she playing? "You know what they say: Lust knows no bounds...apparently not even those that separate species. And as for the Hanar, well...I think they got plenty of profit out of their little 'charity' act with my people." The words sounded hollow even to him.
Tanya turned to face Kosso directly. "Sure, I don't trust everyone on our team, but I'm willing to try, otherwise I wouldn't be buying a nearly 6 thousand credit outfit to try to blend in some high-society bullshit because, believe it or not, I choose to trust in you." she said, prodding the drell in the chest with a finger to punctuate her point. "I'm not an idiot Kosso; I know better than most how shitty the galaxy can be, especially after seeing what I did on Mindoir. I just choose to be a survivor and not let the fear and hatred consume me, instead focusing on this." she gestured around her. "Whatever the fuck's eating at your soul, Kosso, whatever has made you so bitter, paranoid, and jaded to whatever good the galaxy has to offer, let it go. Come outside of whatever shell you've fucking locked yourself in and smell the air. It's not as rancid as you think."
She doesn't get it, he thought, with a mixture of relief and what felt suspiciously like disappointment. She thinks she's got it all figured out, but she's so determined to trust me that she can't even see the truth when it's staring her right in the face. But even as he thought that, he felt a strange stirring inside, a yearning to tell her why she was wrong. It was wrong, it was dangerous, it went against all the resolutions he'd made, but it was still there. The need to let it all out was bubbling up from somewhere deep, setting his heart ablaze and filling his throat with apprehension. It was unstoppable, and it demanded to be spoken.
But when he turned and opened his mouth, it wasn't Tanya standing there, it was her. Her eyes were closed, her blue skin was pale and dirty in the harsh fluorescent light. There was a splotchy stain around her lips, where the orderly had failed to wipe away the blood. She was gaunt, the skin of her face stretched tight with stress even as she slept, her breaths coming too slow, ragged and rattling. She looked like death. From somewhere far away, Kosso could hear the sound of a heart monitor, chiming its damning metronome. The words died in his throat, and he pulled back, startled. The hand on his wrist fell away, unsupported.
He blinked, and suddenly she was gone, and it was Tanya there again, eyes filled with confusion. Kosso didn't dare blink again, fearing that she would reappear. Instead he took another step back, putting more distance between the two of them. This was a mistake, he realized, halfway into a panic. How could I be so stupid!? He had to get out of here, back to the ship, back to his room, back to the unlabeled bottle in the third drawer of his desk. A dose of Hallex to turn the memories into something sweeter, something manageable. Something that won't make me think of Tanya, and Kahje, and all the terrible shit that goes along with it. Something that won't make me feel like history is repeating itself.
He took one final step away. Slowly, he spoke, voice as flat as he could manage. Careful, precise, as if he'd practiced the lines beforehand."It wasn't always this way." He said, finally. "And as much as I'd like to let it go, I need you to trust me. It's better this way." He turned, and walked away. Like always, he forced himself not to look back.
Tanya watched the drell depart, anguish evident in his normally stoic, if not irritated, facade. His sudden burst of emotion, of fear, panic, something shot through her like a cold breeze. She shook her head, wondering if that man was ever going to find peace. "I wish I could, Kosso... but I will try." she said, suddenly feeling very much so alone.
