Apparently it's socially unacceptable to refuse to go to your mother's funeral

[Raxacoricofallapatorius]

I hate funerals. I've been to a few, people I knew and people I didn't. The place always smells gross because of all the awful flowers, and there are too many people.

I recently got into a fight with my roommate because I said I wasn't going to go to my mother's funeral (I have informed my mother of this, btw.) It's not that I think funerals are bad or anything (considering the circumstances) I just don't like them. I mean, I'll plan it, pay for it, send out the invitations whatever. I have no problem with dead people and I'll go to the cemetery for the actual burial but the thought of having to be in a social situation after a loved one has died is unbearable, so I refuse to go to the ceremony.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I've just decided that I won't go to any funerals from now on, because I'll either be too distraught over the person's death to handle being around people (ugh, my graduation party was bad enough), or I won't really care because I didn't know them that well.

Yeah so, now my roommate's convinced I'm a sociopath. People will say to me, "Well, how would you feel if your spouse/children/bestfriend didn't go to your funeral?"

Are you serious? I won't care, I'll be dead.

"But people need to grieve, they need closure." Seeing as it's my mother I think I have the right to grieve however I darn well please.

"Aren't you going to have anything to say in her remembrance?" Sure, and if you want to hear it you can come talk to me individually.


TL;DR: I'm an asshole who won't go to my own mother's funeral.

[Rare]

Just tell people that you don't want to talk to them at your mother's funeral. It's easy to say.

[Raxacoricofallapatorius]

It's easier to stay home and avoid the lot of them. I think it would be worse to go and not talk to people, since it's a social gathering and that's what people expect.

[ActRaiserTheReturned]

Say "I am adult. You are apparently not an adult yet for not respecting my decisions".

[Gwazi Magnum]

That's a very respectable and rational stance and opinion to have on funerals.
There are many cases of people feeling even worse at funerals cause the whole thing basically constantly reminds them the person is dead, and forces them to focus on it exclusively.

But sadly, culture has basically drilled it into people that "going to a funeral = respect". So naturally they make the connection of "not going to a funeral = disrespect". It's silly and irrational reasoning, but people were raised to think that way. So you're going to get flak for it, even if you are fully in the right.

[Awson]

Pretty much what Magnum said.

Don't even trip, dawg.

[Aragorn]

I feel you. I hate social events of any kind(Refuse to even go to Prom.) I did go to my sister's funeral, but that was because I needed the support from my family(My big sister and I were best friends.) I didn't go because it was respectful. Don't sweat it.

[Gwazi Magnum]

I personally go to funerals, I find being around my family at the time of a loved one's death helps.
That and it helps with closure to have that one final goodbye.

But having been at several funerals before I completely get why people wouldn't want to go, it is really an environment that could very easily just make someone feel even worse about the whole thing.

[Lucian]

I agree with you completely. It's always bothered me that people focus on the fact that you're gone at a funeral, rather than celebrate your life. Waste of time, if you ask me. To each their own though, I guess.

[mdk]

So are you like..... bringing this up with people, or..... ?

It just doesn't seem like a topic that introduces itself naturally in conversations. There's a difference, if people think you're going out of your way to announce that you're not attending your mother's funeral, versus just 'Meh, it's not a big deal to us, I don't think I would.'

In other words you're probably not an asshole for feeling this way, you're probably an asshole for presenting it the way you are. But that's pure conjecture. Idunno what people are thinking.

[Raxacoricofallapatorius]

Nah it just happened to come up in conversation. One of those weirdate-night conversations roommates often have.

[Halo]

All I can think in response is "no shit, dude." That's pretty obviously something people will take exception to. Make whatever choices you want, but don't expect people to not be surprised or shocked by an unusual stance on a very personal topic.

[Frizan]

Halo said
All I can think in response is "no shit, dude." That's pretty obviously something people will take exception to. Make whatever choices you want, but don't expect people to not be surprised or shocked by an unusual stance on a very personal topic.

I don't think Rax expected people to "not be shocked", per se. More like he expected them to maybe understand his position without going full retard and acting like they know how he should handle his mother's death.

[mdk]

Frizan said
I don't think Rax expected people to "not be shocked", per se. More like he expected them to maybe understand his position without going full retard and acting like they know how he should handle his mother's death.

six thousand years of documented human tradition have given us a pretty good idea of how to handle a death though.

[Lucian]

mdk said
six thousand years of documented human tradition have given us a pretty good idea of how to handle a death though.

Tradition is great and all, but we didn't have the study of psychology for six-thousand years.

[mdk]

Lucian said
Tradition is great and all, but we didn't have the study of psychology for six-thousand years.

People were dumb before the -ology suffix was invented. Idunno. I'm pretty sure we were all thinking about thinking for as long as we've been human beings. It's basically the human condition. I'll grant you, just cuz we've been doing the funeral thing since forever, doesn't necessarily mean that's automatically the best way. But it does probably mean that most people think it's the best way, as that's been reinforced every generation since Adam and Eve (or Caesar the ape, or whatever). Hopefully that helps explain the reaction.

[Gwazi Magnum]

Halo said All I can think in response is "no shit, dude." That's pretty obviously something people will take exception to. Make whatever choices you want, but don't expect people to not be surprised or shocked by an unusual stance on a very personal topic.

Stuff like this (not you specifically, but people who apply to what you're describing) is part of why I say people need thicker skin.
It's fine to not understand/relate to a certain stance, but people get mortified and offended by shit like this far too easily.

Frizan said I don't think Rax expected people to "not be shocked", per se. More like he expected them to maybe understand his position without going full retard and acting like they know how he should handle his mother's death.

[2]

mdk said People were dumb before the -ology suffix was invented. Idunno. I'm pretty sure we were all thinking about thinking for as long as we've been human beings. It's basically the human condition. I'll grant you, just cuz we've been doing the funeral thing since forever, doesn't necessarily mean that's automatically the best way. But it does probably mean that most people it's the best way, as that's been reinforced every generation since Adam and Eve (or Caesar the ape, or whatever). Hopefully that helps explain the reaction.

This is probably the best explanation for people's reaction I can find.
Not that I agree with the reaction mind you, but agree with it or not it's still going to have a cause.
And this is the most plausible one in my mind.

[Lucian]

mdk said
People were dumb before the -ology suffix was invented. Idunno. I'm pretty sure we were all thinking about thinking for as long as we've been human beings. It's basically the human condition. I'll grant you, just cuz we've been doing the funeral thing since forever, doesn't necessarily mean that's automatically the best way. But it does probably mean that most people it's the best way, as that's been reinforced every generation since Adam and Eve (or Caesar the ape, or whatever). Hopefully that helps explain the reaction.

I definitely get that. I thought that you were pushing the funeral as the right thing, when you were more trying to explain why people view it the way they do. My bad for the miscommunication.

[Raxacoricofallapatorius]

I don't think there's anything wrong with funerals, and that for some people it's a good way to say goodbye/get closure/get support from friends and family. It's just not a good way for me. If it were only a handful of people I might go, but my mom knows a LOT of people and naturally me being the oldest child they'll all want to talk to me and that's just not going to happen.

I might show up for the actual burial and then disappear before anyone notices I was there.

[Gwazi Magnum]

That's also another thing that puzzled me.
How at a funeral people think they're being nice and considering by constantly swarming you at the funeral.
I'm pretty sure when someone is grieving they'd want to, I don't know? Greive!?
Not play host/hostess to everyone else there.