Penal Colony #665: Human Occupied Landfill
Better known to its inhabitants as Hōl. Most guests of the penal system receive a mass produced letter looking something like this:
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Congratulations, Fucko!
You have been found guilty of insert infraction here, and very well could have been sentenced to death by (your choice of) Butt Spiders or Open Pit Roasting. Luckily, the Honorable Judge insert Wednesday’s judge here has taken pity on your undeserving, worthless carcass and has set aside this verdict. Instead, you are sentenced to Life (yay!) without the possibility of reprieve or parole on Galactic Penal Colony #665. If you wish to send a fruit basket thanking the judge for his mercy, please make arrangements care of your local Hall of Justice.
We here at Central Processing hope you spend your well-deserved imprisonment thinking very hard about what you have done, secure in the knowledge that, upon reaching the planet’s surface, every trace of your existence will be deleted from public record. It will be just like you never existed, which we think is for the best. Considering your present circumstances, it was very probable that no one important liked you anyway, and we’re all better off. See? You’re already making the galaxy a better place with your absence! It’s a great first step.
To show that there are no hard feelings on our end, we have given you, the convicted, a free Zippol lighter with nuclear fuel source, and a pamphlet titled “So Your Life Is Over”. In the event that you were convicted of a crime involving arson, you will instead find somewhere on your person a lima bean. Plus the pamphlet.
It is our sincere wish that your time on Penal Colony #665 is spiritually fulfilling and that you make a lot of new friends to speed your rehabilitation.
Yours in Christ,
Associate Doug
C.O.W. Penal System Central Processing
Colony #665
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Isn’t that just a swift kick in the ‘nads? Well, here you are. As a player, there are a few things you should know going into this:
1 – I will cheat, if I think it will be funny.
2 – You have a random number of Grace of God points, between 1 and 6. You won’t know how many. If you use one, I will get you out of whatever situation you’ve managed to cram yourself into. BUT, if you try to use one and you’re out, you will incur the Wrath of God. I’m sure you can figure out what happens then. This is 1 to 6 points for the whole group, for the whole RP. Have fun with that.
3 – You throw the punch, I land it. Tell me your intentions, I will make the appropriate checks to see if they succeed. Much simpler on you guys, trust in the players for me. If you fail a check utterly, there is an entire chart titled “You Lose” I will reference. It is the opposite of fun.
4 – Wastems (That’s Waste-‘ems). The all-purpose cuddly stupid creature that breeds like tribbles. Look them up on Wikipedia, look for images, familiarize yourself with them. They are frigging EVERYWHERE. You can eat them, you can rub them in as sunblock, stuff them in cracks for cheap insulation, render them into oil, distill them into very potent booze, use them for target practice, etc. Generally anything you can think of, they can be used for. Problem: On Hōl, one out of every ten is something called a Wastit (That’s Waste-it). These little bundles of Satan look just like Wastems, but will explode into a maw of teeth the size of a whale’s privates and attempt to destroy anything that bothers them.( If you have the “Spot Wastit” skill, you stand a chance of keeping your hands. Really only learnable on Hōl.) Also, not useful for jack squat. Best of luck.
5 – The stats range from -2 to 10, and are as follows: Meat, Feets, Mouth, Greymatta, and Nuts. For a breakdown,
Meat: Strength and Endurance related stuff.
Feets: Dexterity and Accuracy, also dance steps.
Mouth: Charisma, kinda. Both “How” and “How Loud” you say something.
Greymatta: Used for Thinking. May come up in conversation.
Nuts: Short form is Courage. Mental, emotional, and spiritual fortitude.
6 – The Skills are …interesting… at best. Range from 1 to 6. If you don’t have a copy, get with me and we’ll work this out. Shouldn’t take long. Let me know the stuff you want your target character to do and level of said skills. If it can be finagled, yay.
7 – The Church & Munch. Something else to Wiki. They’re everywhere, even one rumored to be on Hōl. The only place on that Godforsaken planet you can get a decent burger AND be absolved of your sins. But the way is perilous, and the parking lot immense. Courage, young pilgrim.
8 – Money. Right now, don’t worry so much about that. Primary economy on Hōl is barter. Imperial Chits, while great to bribe offworlders, is otherwise useless here. Grobs, well, we’ll get to those. Imagine money that could potentially kill you. Also only found on Hōl.
9 – Faster Than Light Travel. Made possible by creatures called Jumpslugs. Giant creatures that consume rotting human corpses, while mating radiate enough power to convert matter to energy, when channeled properly. Wrangled by Jumpslug Handlers. Very odd people, don’t let them touch your food.
10 – Crickets. Smallish robots with four pincer-like blades for legs, they are essentially roving cameras. You see, Hōl is also the galaxy’s greatest reality show, and Crickets follow the action. If it’s a slow day, or someone goes over a PG-13 rating too often, or someone exposes themselves in a manner unbecoming basic cable, the Crickets will latch on, count down, and explode. Again, best of luck.
11 – Death. Yeah, he’s out there. However, because of the abundance of business he does on Hōl, he will often use underlings or interns to take his excess clients there.
Play will start with our wonderful protagonists dumped off, shiny and new, on Hōl’s surface. If may be possible to arrange for things to be smuggled in with you, as neither the C.O.W. nor the Church give a rat’s ass what you do when you get there. It’s pretty lax that way. Your goal, at least initially, is to LIVE. If you do in fact LIVE long enough to catch a breather and set up some manner of stability, we can discuss exploration. Escape… way down the road. If.
Now, talk to me. How can I, your humble Hōlmeister, help you make your very own Convict?
