[IC] Supernatural-My Battle (FuriePhoenix+AnnaBeth)

[JustAnna]

Dean chuckled at her quip about him being a child, adjusting himself on the bed to prepare for her laying on his chest. He had always loved being her pillow. As she scooted up to him, and found her place on his shoulder, he instinctively brought his arm around her, and ran his fingers up and down her bicep, lovingly.

“Mmm. I love you too…”, he whispered, leaning his head down just enough to kiss the side of her head. This was peaceful. This was out of his nature, but honestly so very part of his nature, at this point. She was the one that brought him out of himself, and his trauma, even with his steely exterior. Every day that went by, as an adult hunter made him harder, and less concerned with sharing his feelings, or even getting close to people.

Because people die. People leave. He couldn’t help think that way. But the one constant, that he knew would always be sleeping on his shoulder at the end of the day, as long as he would have her, was Mika. He couldn’t help hold her a bit closer as he drifted off to a pleasant sleep, feeling his most relaxed as he felt her breathing against his arm.

[FuriePhoenix]

At his declaration of love back and kiss on her head, she closed her eyes and fell asleep pretty quickly. There was just something about having Dean next to her in bed that helped her fall asleep quickly and calmly, and not remain up for hours even though she wanted nothing more than to just be asleep.

Her night started off calm as it almost always did. All her mental barriers were down as she slept on Dean, thinking once again she'd have a non interrupted sleep but unfortunately this was to turn into a disruptive sleep. She was so deep in her slumber she couldn't control what she dreamed.

The night terror she had regularly (albeit not for a little while) crept back to terrorise her. She saw it all play out in her head, making her squint her eyes shut tightly as if it would do anything to rid her of it, but like always, it did nothing.

"mom?! Dad?! Where are you guys?! If we're going let's go!" a seventeen year old Mika called out as she came downstairs from her room. It was then the most blood curdling scream was heard outside in her garden. Wide eyed, she ran to the back door and there it was... A tall, lanky deformed creature hunched over her parents, ripping into them. Her father was already dead but his eye swere open and wide. Her mother clinging onto for dear life as she saw her daughter standing there.

"Mika! Run!" she coughed and splattered out her scream, making the Wendigo turn its head and look right at her. Shaking and crying, Mika attempted to run but in a blink of an eye the wendigo was in front of her. Tilting it's head, staring at her with her parent's blood all over its mouth and hands. She told herself mentally to send Dean an SOS text but she couldn't move for a good few seconds.

Then she did it, she tried to run, knowing the back paths like the back of her hand, if she could just get to where Dean was, beg for his and John's help... But it was no good. As soon as she started running the wendigo caught her, piercing it's fingers into her shoulder blades causing her to scream. She watched her mother's body go limp as she got lifted up off the ground, carried like she was on a leash to the garden.

It threw her to the ground, went down onto all fours as it sniffed her, and in seconds it lifted its fingers up and clawed into her back, over and over again. Ripping strips of her skin off her back and eating it. This was it... She was going to die and she wouldn't see Dean ever again...

"D-Dean...." she stammered out, accepting her death when a blast of light appeared out of nowhere, shielding her in a bubble of golden light, making the wendigo scream in pain and scarper rapidly. "get to your uncle young one" she heard a voice echo through the light

As the night terror played once more, tears poured down Mika's face, she began to thrash, toss and turn, screaming out of sheer terror, unable to wake up, she almost punched Dean in the face and kicked him in the legs from how it was effecting her. Not having had it this bad since two different occasions. When she was mostly healed up and conscious again, making Bobby have to deal with her and when she and Dean broke up massively and she was alone.

[JustAnna]

Dean was shaken out of his sleep by the back of Mika’s hand to his broken nose. Groaning loudly, he grabbed her wrist, catching it before a second hit to his face, and holding it tightly.

“Mika! Mika stop…hey…”, he cooed to her, wrapping his legs around her to hold her legs down. He pulled her in close, twisting so that he could lean over her, bringing his free hand up to stroke her face.

“Wake up, sweetheart…”, he whispered in her ear, struggling to hold her still as he rubbed her face, “Mika! Hey, look at me. Open your eyes. Please open your eyes…”

He lowered his tone to a whisper, kissing her ear as he tightened his legs around her to keep her from hurting either of them. This was the first time he had really experienced her having a nightmare this bad, but it reminded him of the one time that he witnessed a slightly violent nightmare from her as Kenzi, when they were together.

He had been able to draw her out of it, then, with a rough hold and a bit of cooing. So, he figured it might work this time.

[FuriePhoenix]

In her night terror induced state, it was telling her that Dean wasn't Dean, but the wendigo coming back to get her which just made it all the worse as she desperately tried to break free from his grip from around her but she couldn't break free. She cried and cried out for Dean in her sleep until his voice started to break through her night terror.

It started off an echo in the night terror, as if it was her mind trying to conjure him into the memory to save her, except it wasn't a dream version of him, it was him in the real world calling her. As he kept whispering and begging her to wake her, she eventually got shaken out of her night terror, opening her eyes quickly and gasping for breath as she tried to compute that it was just another night of reliving her trauma.

As she looked at him, at first it was like she was looking through him before she finally managed to focus on Dean properly, breaking down completely and burying her face into his shoulder sobbing and shaking like a leaf. She never wanted him to witness the full extent of her night terror memory, she didn't want to dump it onto him like this, to her it wouldn't be fair to do such a thing. Yet her mind had very different plans it would seem.

She held onto him for dear life as if he would be just ripped from her like her parents were, as she desperately tried to stop crying but the tears kept flowing anyway, her tears falling onto his shoulder. This was the truth of her trauma...the result of still not having not closure or knowing what the hell saved her that night. This was the scared Mika that was even more scared than when her father would punch her when she was a kid.

She just hoped she didn't wake Bobby from her screaming as she knew it always terrified him when the terrors got this bad for her. "I-I-I'm s-s-orry..." she sobbed onto Dean stammering her words.

[JustAnna]

Dean kept her wrapped up in his arms as his nose began to bleed again, from the reopening of the break wound inside. He didn’t stop cooing at her, though, simply brushing the back of his hand across his upper lip, “C’mon sweetheart.”

When she finally came out of the night terror and looked at him, he brushed her hair back from her face, still holding onto her tightly, and stared between her eyes, until she finally wrapped him up in her arms and he relaxed his hold, holding her tightly, “There she is. You’re fine…shhh…”

He held her a bit tighter, wiping the blood from his nose one more time, and rubbed her shoulder, “Mika. Hey…listen to me. Stop, listen…”

As she apologized, he kissed her forehead and shook her a bit, “Listen to me. Don’t be sorry. You’re fine. I’m fine. Just try to breathe, alright. I’m not going anywhere…and that thing in your dreams? It’s gotta go through me, to get to you. We both know that wouldn’t turn out well for it…”

He tried to joke with her a bit, as he cooed to her, wanting her to come back to earth at her own pace as he held her. He had a feeling he knew exactly what she was dreaming about, and he understood it too well, as he had nightmares for weeks after she was attacked, over what had possibly happened, and what she was going through in the process.

Bobby’s footsteps were heard coming up the stairs and his fist lightly knocked on the bedroom door, “Everything okay? Dean?”

“I’ve got her Bobby. We’re alright…”, Dean muttered back into the darkness. Bobby turned and sighed with relief that Dean was with her this time, at least.

“If she needs her drink, I’ll get it from the cabinet…”, Bobby said gently as he walked back down the stairs.

[FuriePhoenix]

Mika was only now acknowledging that in her thrashing in her sleep, she somehow managed to rebreak his nose which she felt so bad about doing, but he still held her and didn't even think about his injury thanks to her. She listened as he told her not to be sorry, that she would be alright but needed to breathe. At his quip, instead of smirking like she normally would, more tears fell, this time just silently. If only it would be that easy, if only he could go into her dreams and battle the bloody thing that almost ruined her life. But as far as she knew there wasn't a way to do that so it was pointless.

She tried to focus on her breathing, to steady herself emotionally when she heard Bobby running upstairs and rapping on the door. She realised she really must have been loud and it must have been bad if it made Bobby come to her again, albeit only making it to the door to ask if everything was okay.

The idea of having her drink that she always had during these times was tempting, especially as she took a guess that she woiuldn't be able to keep this all bottled up anymore. She didn't understand why she was always so scared to tell Dean the things she rpelays in her mind every now and then, but she was. She presumed she didn't want to be seen as weak by him, even though he had always seen her as anything but weak.

She slowly began to breathe a normal slow pace, remaining bundled up in his arms but shifting her head so she wasn't buried into his shoulder completely, she wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist. "I just wish..it would go away, but it...always rears up...I see it...over and over again.." she mumbled, trying so hard to stop crying as she felt like she was coming to terms with what happened as if it was the first time all over again.

"I can't take it Dean...." she cried.

[JustAnna]

Dean frowned a bit at the fact that she didn’t react positively to his normal joking. Besides the crying, which he expected, the dream must have been extra bad for her to not respond to his usual bad humor and self sacrifice. He continued to just have a grip on her, wiping the odd blood drip from his nose, until she began to calm a bit.

When she adjusted, he loosened his grip on her a bit to allow movement and listened intently. As she finished explaining what she was experiencing, he sighed, a bit lost at what to do in the moment, “I know. Those things don’t just go away…because we want to bury them. But I’m right here. Alright? It’s bad, but you can handle it…and where I can, I’ll handle it for you.”

He knew his words wouldn’t help things completely, reliving an experience like she had was devastating. It was reliving the pain, and the emotions, exactly the same as they happened over and over again. It was no wonder she had grown colder, since the incident. He sighed again, “I don’t have all the answers. I have pushed everything down so much, that I don’t even know how to have nightmares, or if I’m even having them. But you tell me what you need from me, and I’ll do it. I’ll figure it out…”

He reached a hand down and lifted her face to him by her chin, staring between her eyes, “You know I will. If there was a way to go in there and kill that son of a bitch, I would. I’ve wanted to, since the day it happened…”

[FuriePhoenix]

Hearing him tell her he would handle what he could for her brought a sense of security to her. She knew there wouldn't be much he would be able to do but the gesture was appreciated nonetheless. She continued to listen to him as he said he didn't have all the answers, his voice soothing her slowly but steadily.

She looked up at him as he lifted her head by her chin, amazed at how he just seemed to almost mirror her own thoughts without even realising it. "I wish you could too...I don't know how much longer I can go on reliving it from beginning to end without going utter insane." she said to him quietly.

"I don't want to remember my folks in such a bloody way, even my good for nothing dad..he didn't deserve dying that way" she couldn't believe she was even saying those words out loud, but it was true. He may have been an utter asshole and abusive, but she still wouldn't wish for his death, let alone a death that required being ripped opened and eaten. She presumed some of the reason for her night terror was down to her survivor's guilt, but she didn't want to admit that to herself.

"Yet every time I do, I never come closer to knowing what saved me either....I don't know a single thing on this earth that could scare a wendigo like that..." she admitted before sighing and wiping away tears again. "I think...I think I should tell you the whole thing...about what fully happened because I can't keep it bottled up any longer" she told him, still looking him in the eyes. She also figured he deserved to know the full story of everything she witnessed that night.

So with his permission, she told him the whole story, what she relives in her night terror and not leaving out a single detail. She even told him about the mysterious voice she heard from within the light that told her to go to Bobby. She included how she stumbled and crawled all the way to this house before passing out on the couch downstairs and didn't stir awake properly for almost three days.

[JustAnna]

Dean listened to her story, remembering the bits and pieces she had already told him over time. He stayed silent and still, his fingers running across her back every once in a while, absentmindedly. It killed him, every second, that he hadn’t been there to pick her up, to save her…

As she finished with the three days she was out, which was also during the time that everyone around him was breaking the news to him, slowly but surely that she was dead, his heart almost seemed to deflate as he looked away from her, staring at the wall on the other side of the room. Dean still held onto a lot of anger, in regards to the lies, and the hiding.

But he wasn’t angry at her. He had never really been angry at her. He knew, inside his heart that the deception, on her end, had been her way of dealing with the way things were happening, but also a way to possibly let him down easy, while being near him.

Dean finally sighed, pulling her in to a tighter hug, and simply whispering, “I should have been there. Any other time, I would have been there. After finding out that you survived, I’ve had trouble looking my dad in the eyes, for a reason. His not understanding what we have, even now, is mind-blowing to me.”

He stopped, and gently kissed her nose, “It doesn’t change the past, but I can’t change what happened. But maybe it will help the dreams, just a bit if you can tell yourself…that…that you’ll never be alone again, like you were that night. You’ll never be too far from someone that can help you get away, and save those around you, even if it means taking your place…”

Dean was trying not to be too dark, but he needed her to know that he would have taken the monster that killed her parents, and nearly killed her, single handedly if it had been needed. He knew that there was a chance he wouldn’t come out alive, but nothing…would ever hurt her like that again, as long as he was with her.

“And we will work out what saved you. If you’re forced to have these dreams, and I can’t stop them for you…we can use them, maybe.”

[FuriePhoenix]

Telling him the full story, leaving nothing out made Mika feel some kind of weight lift off her shoulders. She hadn't realised just how much she had held back from him or how scared she had to tell him the proper details of just what the wendigo did to her and her family. She still felt survivor's guilt for that poor kid that they mistook as her that got killed. She didn't even know if after these years she was correctly identified or not but she always hoped she had been.

It wasn't fair that this unknown kid died and died as an unknown because everyone was convinced it was her. It wasn't right, especially as the main person who assumed it was her was in fact John. It was his assumption that practically started the lie onto Dean. She didn't think she would ever get over that guilt for that girl or the lies. Which in turn made her feel like she wouldn't ever fully ever forgive John for anything he said over the attack or anythibg else.

She was almost afraid of how Dean would react to the full details, not afraid that it would make him run, but just...afraid. She never coped well with the pity she got from people, but right now as afraid as she was, she just wanted to be held still by Dean. She listened to what he said to her, hearing the sincerity in his tone as he clearly still held his own guilt for not being there. Hearing that it was one reason why he still found it difficult to look his father in his eyes was of some comfort to her as it almost validated her own feelings toward John.

She briefly closed her eyes as her mind savoured the kiss to her nose and he spoke about how she never had to be alone ever again which made her squeeze him slightly as she still clung to him. She felt so pathetic in some ways but this memory night terror always mentally seemed to push her back a few years. "I never want anyone to take my place...not again. Its not right one kid died under my name" she told him.

She nodded at his promise to find out what saved her. "thank you Dean..." she spoke once more, "I've tried to figure it out all this time with no luck" she added, finally realising she had stopped shaking and was calming down.

[JustAnna]

Dean thought about his dad for a second, thinking back to how convinced John was that Mika was dead. It was the whole reason that Dean had believed it so intently himself. Sam’s reaction hadn’t helped, as the poor kid was completely convinced, himself, and took it rough. Dean couldn’t be there for him, as he processed his own emotions, both with alcohol and violence.

Hearing the full story was honestly a relief. At least he hadn’t been completely crazy all the time that he was searching for her, feeling in his heart that she wasn’t dead, and that she was roaming around somewhere in the world, avoiding him. What he hadn’t known, and it took him a long time to figure out, was that she was with him practically the whole time. Her appearance had just changed so much. He always had a familiar pang with Kenzi, like he knew her, and like she was someone he should have seen right through.

And eventually he did. But it was only now that he truly let himself sink into the idea that he never really lost Mika, despite the lies.

“I wouldn’t be taking your place…trust me, darlin’.”, he whispered, his midwest drawl coming out a bit in his sleepiness, and determination. He smiled softly, rubbing his fingers across the scars on her back once more, “And as far as what saved you…you haven’t had me trying to find out what it is, next to you. I can be very stubborn.”

He smirked, brushing a thumb across her cheek gently as he started to realize she wasn’t shaking as bad. He let the tension out of his shoulders slowly, “Now…would you like a drink before sleeping again? Or do you just want to sleep?”

[FuriePhoenix]

Mika knew Sam also took her supposed death badly. Despite being so young, she did adore the younger Winchester like a little brother herself. Yet in her own messed up way of trying to overcome what she went through, she only cared about herself or how Dean as dealing with the grief. She didn't even give time to think how Sam must have been feeling, let alone feeling about seeing his brother in his own grief.

She felt relieved when he told her he wouldn't be taking her place, hearing his little Midwest drawl come out for the first time in a long time as she closed her eyes, letting herself take in his touch as he ran his fingers down her scars. His touch reminding her that there was still feeling in the scar tissue.

At his next words about what saved her, she had to open her eyes again, looking up to him once more and managed to crack a small smile at it. It was true after all that he was incredibly stubborn. It was after all his stubbornness that made him figure out who she was and made her come clean. "you're not wrong there" she agreed as she leaned his into his hand.

"I could do with that drink... Hopefully it'll do what it always does and knock me out so I don't dream" she replied to him. She was aware how late it was, and she still felt bad for waking both Dean and Bobby. Yet she also thought maybe, just maybe the fact Dean now saw her at her worst during the night it would help her to really be a better person.

She released some of the tension she had in his grip on Dean, holding onto him much lighter than she was before. "I'm still sorry for waking you...and rebreaking your nose.." she then apologised.

[JustAnna]

Dean continued running his fingers up and down her back gently, humming in his mind to the sound of her heart beat slowing as she calmed in his arms. He was glad that she had finally come clean and answered what seemed like thousands of questions he had racing through his mind, since the attack.

He nodded gently when she agreed to the drink, giving her a small smile and patting her shoulder lightly, “Grab me a pair of boxers and we will go down and grab a drink. I could use a refresher…”

Dean chuckled, and shrugged her comment about his nose off. By this point, the blood had dried around his nostrils. So his nose wasn’t exactly injured horrifically again, “I think my nose is still in place, you just knocked the dam a little loose and made it bleed. Trust me, not my first or worst bloody nose. I was more afraid you were going to hurt…”

He gestured down toward his lap and smirked, “Cmon. Let’s go get a drink…then we will crash again.”

[FuriePhoenix]

Mika had no idea if she did answer any of the questions rattling around in his mind, but if she had she would have been glad for being able to finally give him those answers. She knew he had questions in his head, but what those questions were, she didn't specifically because she almost was afraid to ask what they were until tonight.

As he patted her shoulder, the unspoken signal between them to let up and separate, she pulled away from him and sat up properly before pulling the duvet further down than it already was. Seeing it properly now being so messy and crumpled all over the place, telling he rjist how violently she was thrashing in her sleep.

She leaned over the side of the bed, pulling open the chest of drawers drawer that she always kept for him to have some spare clean clothing in as an emergency measure, pulling out some of his boxers for him and handing them over before closing the drawer again.

She listened to him telling her not to apologise for his nose and when he hinted at how he was more worried she'd have kicked him in the nether she smiled slightly sheepishly. "sorry..again. I wish I could tell ya it doesn't normally get that bad buuuut....it does." she replied before nodding at his comment to get that drink.

She stepped out of bed and walked round to his side as it was closest to the door.

[JustAnna]

Dean released her carefully, sitting up himself and pulling the duvet back to sit on the side of the bed, as she went to grab him a pair of boxers. He stretched his sore shoulders, realizing the impact from earlier in the night had seriously left him a bit pained. He cracked his neck, and then took the boxers from her hand.

“Well, we’re going to see what we can do to calm those down…”, he said softly, pulling the boxers over his legs, before standing and pulling them up around his waist, “And until then, I don’t think I’ll be sleeping naked…just in case.”

He gave a small laugh, and leaned in as she approached his side of the bed, kissing her lips sweetly, his hands flattening her hair down from all of the chaos. Dean leaned down briefly, placing an arm around her back, before sliding his other behind her knees and lifting her into his arms.

“Because you’re groggy…let me.”, he muttered against her cheek, before kissing her temple and carefully opening the door. He stepped onto the steps, hearing Bobby rummaging around in the kitchen as they descended.

[FuriePhoenix]

She smirked a bit when Dean said about not sleeping naked just incase. She honeatly couldn't blame him as this really felt like a wake up call in more ways than one. She had gotten so used to not having the night terror at night when he was around, her guard was down far too much in her sleep. It made her realise that if she could, she could not let this happen as badly again. She didn't want to hurt Dean any more in her sleep because she couldn't Co trol her rlfoght or flight response whilst trapped in her sleeping state.

As he kissed her, she returned it gladly as he flattened her messy hair which she didn't even realise was in the state it was. With his arm going round her back, she instinctively wrapped one arm over his shoulder when it became even more clear he was about to pick her up, so she held onto him as she felt herself lift off the ground and into his arms.

She let out another small smile as he kissed her temple and she then rested her head against him as she got carried across the room and downstairs where she could hear Bobby in the kitchen. She had an inkling of what she was going to see when they saw him, but she also hoped that when she did see her uncle, it wouldn't break her down again. She may be 21 years old but sometimes, particularly at times like this, seeing her uncle just turned he rinto an utter child all over again.

At least this time she had Dean to help her out of it, through the whole process after waking up and getting her calm afterwards. Even if she did give him a nosebleed in the process. In this moment she really wondered what she had ever done to deserve having both Dean and Bo by in her life, but whatever it was? She was thankful.

[JustAnna]

Bobby turned as they reached the bottom of the stairs, stepping into the living room with three glasses in his hand. Two of the glasses contained an amber liquid, which was likely some scotch or whiskey. The other glass held a darker liquid, which Dean noticed and assumed was Mika’s special drink.

“You two both okay?”, Bobby asked sitting the glasses down on the coffee table carefully as Dean brought Mika over to the couch and sat down, leaving her on his lap. He rested his hand on her thigh, and brought his other hair up to her hair, running his fingers through gently.

“Theoretically, I think so…”, Dean quipped as Bobby’s eyes fell on his nose.

“She re-break it?”, Bobby asked, stepping back into the kitchen briefly, before returning with a wet rag, handing it to Dean. Dean didn’t bring it to his nose yet, but shook his head at Bobby, which caused his shoulders to drop, “Sometimes, alcohol brings these on, I’ve noticed. Looks like you came out unscathed, considering.”

Dean smiled, and shrugged his shoulders, “I’m good at wrestling, I guess.”

“Meeko…you okay?”, Bobby asked, sitting in his recliner as he watched her face.

[FuriePhoenix]

As Bobby asked if they were okay, Mika let Dean do the initial talking as he carried her to the couch and sat down with her still in his lap. As he stroked her hair she rested her head into his shoulder, noticing the glasses get put on the table by Bobby. Bobby asking if she rebroke Dean's nose wasn't too much of a surprise considering the drying blood on his nostrils and upper lip.

She even let Bobby explain how sometimes it can be alcohol that brings on her night terror and memory which she couldn't deny. It was sometimes the cause, even if it wasn't always the cause. She also had to agree that compared to the injuries she had caused herself in her sleep and to Bobby on occasion, Dean did come out pretty unscathed.

When she got asked if she was okay, she looked at her uncle and nodded, leaning away from Dean to grab their glasses, handing Dean his as she held onto hers. "yes..no... I don't really know to be honest. Its been weeks since the last time, if not longer, it felt so much more real this time" she told him. "like it had a bigger grip on me, just like...just like the first few times it happened" she added.

It then dawned on her she had been reading the books again, trying to find answers between everything else, making her think it might have been a trigger in her subconscious. "I've been reading those books again..." she admitted to Bobby, knowing he would know exactly what books she was referring to.

She sipped her drink, savouring the taste always thankful that whatever it was Bobby gave her helped her to relax. She never once asked what it actually consisted of, even after all these years, she decided that as long as it worked for her, that's all she needed to know.

[JustAnna]

Bobby nodded to Mika gently, shrugging his shoulders, “You’re probably feeling some things that you’re not used to feeling, all things considered. It’s been a lot having Dean back with us, with everything that has happened.”

Dean nodded at Bobby’s words, bringing the towel up to his nose, and wiping at some of the drying blood with his free hand. He brought his other hand to the side of her face, rubbing her cheek with his fingertips as he held her to him, “I know you were worried but…”

When she mentioned the books, Bobby nodded his head back onto his shoulders, in a complete understanding of what had caused the night terrors this time, “Ah. I thought we had had a talk about those books…If I remember, they’re what caused the last big one, right?”

Dean watched Mika drink the dark liquid in her cup, as he nursed his nose, wondering what books they were talking about that could have caused these kind of night terrors in a hunter, like Mika, even with the trauma.

[FuriePhoenix]

Mika sighed and nodded at Bobby's words, to her it would make sense if it was combination of many factors that brought on her bad night. She leaned into Dean's hand when he stroked her cheek with his fingertips. She was worried about him when he was gone, she didn't know how his dad was going to be or if he would make it back to her, and from his story back at the bar, she had every right to have been worried.

Then came the reply she was half expecting from Bobby about the books, making her glance down as he spoke about it. "yeah I know..they were the cause last time... I'm just so tired of not having answers Bobby" she replied to him with a hefty sigh between sips of her drink. She glanced back up and noticed Dean looking at her with curiosity in his eyes.

"I've been looking through a certain few books to see if anything matches up to what saved me. But every time I come up blank, through that frustration it can trigger what you witnessed" she explained to him, then took another sip. "I promised Bobby I wouldn't look at them anymore, but...we all know what I'm like. I'm as stubborn as you are" she told Dean.

It felt like to her she wouldn't ever get an answer to what saved her, which frustrated her the most. It also felt like at times that Bobby had given up trying to find it but that as something she would never admit to him. From that night she just felt different which was partly why she was always impressed and surprised Dean could still see the old her in her eyes.

She wanted to know why whatever saved her did so, what was their motive for saving her, she was just a nobody kid in her eyes, a kid that gave her parents hell only a hour or two before the attack because she didn't want to move away just because her dad didn't agree with her being around Dean. She felt like if she was killed, it would have been her punishment for her behaviour.

So why her? What was so special about her that this glowing disembodied voice thought was worthy for saving? Those were unanswered questions she would never get over easily.