. Kingsley Quinn .
"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment." - Buddha
Something I have to remind myself of often - it's something I think all people should live by, even though I don't live by it often.
"We do not remember days, we remember moments." - Cesare Pavese
It's why I like to film everything. I want to remember all the small moments I share with my friends. Years from now, when I'm an old woman on my death bed, I want to be able to play all the special moments of my life as I slowly die. It sounds nice, dying happily.
Introvert. Reflective. Wry. Gawky. Docile. Curious. Capricious. Melancholic. Paranoid. Cordial.
Sounds a bit pretentious, doesn't it? More like: shy, awkward teenager with the mood swings of a prepubescent school girl. My mother says I have the temperament of Missouri weather - I can change in a moment's notice and without much warning. Like Katy Perry once wisely said, I'm "hot and then I'm cold", "yes and then I'm no", "in and then I'm out". Typically my mood can swing from happy and friendly to rather pensive and quiet. Wondering on small things and getting distracted by something like a window. People say that's my problem, really - I think too much and I often miss my chance to act. It takes me too long to decide to do something that by the time I decide to do it, it's too late.
There's really not that much to me, I guess - little boring, don't like to take chances or put myself out there. I'm your typical school wallflower - I'm always on the sidelines. It's not that I
don't want friends - I just have a hard time really getting to know people.
I wish I was like those girls that easily talked in front of others and made friends.
- Filming my friends with my handy-dandy video camera.
- Days where the air is cold but the sun is shining!
- Inside jokes between friends - the kind where you just share a look and know.
- Mementos. I have a whole drawer just for tickets from movies and concerts that I saw with friends - I keep everything.
- Watching films in a homemade fort.
I want to be a director! It would be so amazing to work in the film industry and make my own films - amazing films that would get awards for their artistic integrity rather than their vapid entertainment value.
My indecisiveness. My worrying. My fear of being rejected. Feels like my whole personality is holding me back sometimes. I think too much about what will be that it's nearly impossible for me to actually live without second-guessing every decision I've ever made. And I hate putting myself out there.
Plus, there's my parents who want me to be a surgeon or doctor or something. I barely convinced them to let me go to Graystone.
There was this day when I was twelve and my older sister was at the skatepark on her skateboard. I wanted to film her doing some tricks and I had my camera with me as I sat nearby filming. But the angle wasn't that good - so I climbed the halfpipe and stood on the top in order to get a good angle of my sister skateboarding. It turned out really well, actually, I still have the videos. When it came time to get off the halfpipe to come home, I panicked. I'm terrified of heights and I was too scared to slide down the halfpipe ramp and it was too hard to climb down the other way that I came up. I cried in front of everybody - it was embarrassing, really. Eventually, I found a way to climb down with the help of some teenager and my sister.
I don't know why this memory always sticks out - but it's something I remember like it was yesterday.
Letting my parents boss me around. Even though I'm attending the school of my dreams, after I graduate, I'll be heading off to an Ivy League school so I can get the best education I can for my future as a surgeon. My parents always get what they want out of me. I probably shouldn't have made that deal to become a surgeon if I got to go to Graystone, but this is probably the closest I'll get to my lifelong dream.
I want a whirlwind romance. Something that sweeps me up and is intense and something I never experienced before. I guess it's because my life is so monotone, so dull and predictable. I want someone that catches me like a spiderweb and takes me from my life into adventures that you only see in movies like Indiana Jones.
I have a list: I'm bisexual, I struggle with an addiction to over-the-counter medicine, I have anxiety.
But I think the biggest thing I've never told anyone - is that I hate people so much. Those people who can talk to others so easily, who can proudly stand in front of a class and present, who can make jokes with teachers, whose name is known by everyone - even the principal and the janitors. My parents are like that and I hate them for it. I don't know if I hate it because I find it annoying or because I'm envious.
Say yes to going to the dance with Roy Brewer in the seventh grade. Maybe then I would've had a chance to break out of my shell and be more open. Roy Brewer was especially popular in school and I could've made a lot of friends and gotten used to putting myself out there. It's much too late for me now. Sorry, Roy Brewer. Though to be fair, he was an asshole and called me a bitch every other day.
Banned
