While waiting for the reviews from judges (Soon, oh god!), I appreciate
@PlatinumSkink and
@mdk for your thoughts.
The choice of present-tense was intended because I was afraid of my story with the amount of technical terms and science-babble, so I decide to write it in present to give it a "realistic" look. It's not something I'm intending to hold on, but I like experimenting. The idea came from novel "Snow Crash", an excellent cyberpunk story which is written in similar fashion but far more successfully. I did have an idea of giving background information in past-tense but omitted it somewhere during my re-readings.
The dropped particles and some unnecessary ones are my inability to find these kind of errors in my text despite proofreading the story three, four and five times even after giving myself a week to think other stuff and have a fresh look on the story. I had planned to give it to someone else to read for proof-reading, but that was forgotten with studies going on. English is not my first language, but I like to think I can write understandable text. Not perfect, thought. Hence my take on challenge might fall again for the lack of quality-writing ^^