Holmishire — Roleplayer Guild

Welcome back to yet another round of Holmishire's critiques! Enter at your own risk.

Note that the letter grades are just my personal feelings toward the entry, and not necessarily an accurate gauge of quality. They are also unrelated to the criticism given in the hiders—even if I've written a massive critique breaking down problems in your piece, that does not automatically mean it was a bad entry. It just meant that I needed more words to properly address those issues. I'm trying to help writers improve, not bash them. Believe me, I have written some massively error-laden short stories.

That being said, feel free to question me on anything I say.

>B+
Was this inspired by Event Horizon (1997), perchance?

Anyways, a powerful entry that made effective use of its tone, especially in its latter half; notably, the shift in tone didn't feel smooth to me, though I can't place exactly when. I enjoyed the variety in the five protagonists, as well as the minor developments each went through as a character—though pivotal moments like Rei's sudden slap felt a bit forced, and Riley in general seemed to stumble around personality-wise. As for the story in general, the pacing was usually on-the-spot, and the frantic switches between perspectives were great. I can dig the cliffhanger, but it didn't feel quite like an intended location for one, especially in a short story. We weren't particularly close to seeing what could be the conclusion, and there wasn't any particular arc ending right there.

For the most part, my qualms with the actual writing were mostly near the beginning of the entry—the first two paragraphs in particular. It felt like there was too much effort going into being as descriptive and literarily impressive as possible, which ultimately just makes for purple prose. One thing to consider is the use of a variety of words both not directly related to the subject matter and not related to each other: sapphire, divine wings, and serpent, for example, do not belong to any shared lexical group, making the description unfocused. Another aspect to consider is redundancy—the second and third sentences could have been reorganized in such a way that the darkness and blackness need not have been re-emphasized, and scorch marks, scars of blaster fire, and layers of ash all seem to be the same thing to me. Finally, there was a tendency towards the removal of minor words in cases where the meaning can be easily understood without. This is good in small amounts, such as how the short phrases in No way out with the door mechanically sealed, no windows, all alone hold greater effect through their curtness. However, using it in less meaningful contexts, such as the lack of articles in a room of shadow, the darkness kept at bay, and a steel wall as well as just repeatedly in pretty much every other sentence in the second paragraph weakens the overall effect of each one.

For an example of description I liked later on, take the introduction of Liam. It was short, to-the-point, and direct. The whole time, it was the individual being described, not a conglomerate of parts that are only assumed to be a whole by inference. The same applied to the description of the man at the bottom of the pit. (I'll note that the description of the pit and bones went opposite to these guidelines, but was effective in that situation due to its chaotic and horrific nature.)

Yeah, so that's what made the first two paragraphs feel like purple prose to me.

Oh, and a minor note, the first time the whisper was mentioned, it felt like it should have been placed between "Works with me." Adrian said and But he jumped and turned around. As is, it cuts away the jolt the reader should feel.

All-in-all, a great entry with strong atmosphere and characters. It's really just details that get in the way.

>B
Another quality work, and as usual, there isn't much to criticize about the actual writing of the piece. I'm growing rather fond of your writing, as you have a knack of introducing setting-specific info—such a racial traits of the Murtaden and the Carina—without shoving it in the reader's face. (Although I did feel like Hariwini's attitude towards his men was a bit too much tell, not enough show.)

Because there is not much of note to analyze in that regard, I shall therefore now focus on story elements.

Both Günther and Yehiel were good characters, but I personally felt they were lacking in depth as presented. Neither character really changed much as the story progressed, and really, neither had much of an effect on the story itself. The plot was designed to culminate in the massive significance of a small gesture—two enemy soldiers holding hands. However, this gesture lacked significance largely because we were given little reason to see it as unusual. Yes, they were enemies, but neither of the two characters nor the rest of the armies to which they belonged were shown to express any particular distaste for their opposites. Indeed, there wasn't really any noticeable difference between the two armies. In making a big deal out of a little thing, contrast is most powerful.

Such contrast would also have helped to give more conflict, which was rather lacking in the story. Of course, there was fighting, but when it amounts to shooting blindly at a wall of sand, it ends up being raw action. Still has tension, but doesn't act as a powerful plot-mover—not, of course, that it needs to be.

In summary, a very well-written story with all the correct pieces, but that didn't give me a strong enough reason to appreciate the conclusion.

>C
The were a lot of typoes, sentence structure malformations, and other such errors—particularly near the beginning. I won't go into detail on it, because it really seems to be a localized problem, but I do find it at least worthy of mention.

As for the headnotes, I didn't find them particularly useful, nor necessary. The distinction between what I assume to be thoughtspeak and normal speech is hardly looked into and not really used in any relevant fashion in the entry. True, it may have helped with the bot scene, but murmurs would have functioned just as well if it was for plot purposes. When introducing particularities to a setting, it pays well to make sure that these particularities have some tangible function in the context of the story. Similarly, not once did I notice these melded senses become relevant.

Quirks like those aren't bad, but they may alienate some readers. This is particularly relevant because these quirks directly affect the narrative technique.

As for the notes on names, those were alright, though they would have served better as footnotes than headnotes, after we had been given a chance to see the characters with the names in use.

As for the story, it felt jumbled and somewhat difficult to follow. Not the events—not much really happened anyways. Rather, the way the story was presented was largely through the exposition given by the three male stars. However, this exposition itself was jumbled by the confusion of the characters themselves, was largely superficial, and often came long after the information would have been useful. (This is also a factor in the sparse narration. For example, when Centari called her a him, I was very confused and thought the character's gender must've been poorly established from the beginning, and that I had simply mixed it up somehow. Because there was nothing there to draw any attention towards the blunder, it wasn't until the conversation much later that I realized it was intentional.)

The greatest issue to me is that this exposition is indeed the entirety of the story. The nameless girl is poofed into existence, is told that there is indeed a setting, and then shoved away by a plot that is given no explanation. We can assume the bot is sent by the corrupt stars, but that is like assuming there is a thief when one's wallet disappears. Until one starts looking for the thief, there isn't really a plot.

What to get out of this is that there was a lot of time spent setting up for a plot and presenting a setting, and not nearly enough time given actually completing the plot and utilizing the setting.

That being said, character interaction was certainly the forte of this piece.

>B
Good writing in here, and while it became a little difficult discerning between the non-Peter scientists at times, both Catherine and Peter made for interesting characters with decent depth—especially for the latter. The back-and-forth conversation and the measured dissemination of information to the reader was very effective in maintaining tension and making me want to push ahead and find out more.

And yet, this is not really much of a story. It forms a strong introduction, a gripping hook, but nothing else. The characters don't even scratch the surface of whatever seems to be happening, and it doesn't go on long enough for us to see any of it. No resolution whatsoever, and not even enough to form a solid conflict to cliffhang off of.

In short, great piece, but cut out way to early to be a powerful story.

>C+
The writing's fine, but I've seen this sort of scene play out enough times that none of it strikes any chords with me. Perhaps I might appreciate their moonlit romance more if more was known of Catheryn and Mikhal as individuals, but for now, they are simply a staple of star-crossed lovers. I wish I could say more, but the entry is quite short, and nothing in particular jumps out at me either positive or negative.

>C+
A nicely poetic story. Consistently using words of a cosmic lexical nature to describe Astie was a nice touch, tying her into the final theme of becoming one with the stars. I also liked the small doses of alliteration in a companion, a champion, and a confidant as well as a playmate, a protector, a prom date.

And yet, though the story is sweet and contains all the necessary elements to properly display its theme, by its short nature, it is forced into a tell-not-show narrative. Essentially, I only got to understand the two characters on a surface level, and only when it directly related to the theme of the entry. Without tension and with a rather softly dealt twist, this meant that the entry wasn't particularly compelling to me. It relies largely on the fact that it depicts something that is generally considered a taboo in a positive light.

In other words, it was very well done, but not ambitious enough to really impress me.

>C
The trouble here is largely that of pacing. It is a little difficult to properly analyze, and my stories too regularly suffer from poor pacing.

To start, transitions between scenes are sudden, and often feel arbitrary. For example, near the end, when Virgo passes through the black hole, the scene break is given before she blacks out, which gives the impression of a double-black-out. If the break had happened between when she lost consciousness and when she woke up, this would more closely tie the narration with the content, and from a first-person perspective, that would make a lot more sense. Other scene cuts—the beam-me-down-Scotty and the switch from leaving the building to running—feel largely unnecessary, as there is almost no passage of time between them. This is particularly true of the latter of the two, as all that has changed is a movement of setting, from inside the building to outside of it—a change of setting that merited no switch earlier when they were entering the building in the first place. The action flows directly, too—I [...] left the building and then I ran off, knowing the others can't be trusted. Having this extra break both impedes the rapidity of action in this context, and weakens the effect of the more significant time-skips.

Another issue of pacing here is that the readers are never given time to slow down and absorb the events. The prologue, if you will, was very short, and as such did not give us any time to appreciate Virgo's humanity. This is causes a dissociation between what the reader feels and what the character goes through later on, because we had no reason to think that Virgo valued her humanity until she had her breakdown. And because we go so quickly from Earth's destruction to the invasion of Mars, the realization that she had been tricked into joining her conquerors did not come as much of a shock.

Finally, because the events moved so quickly, nothing ever felt justified. The characters weren't given the chance to develop, so motives, the introduction of new powers, and realizations all felt like they were simply there because the plot demanded it. There was conflict, and there was change, but because there was never a status quo from which to start, it lost a lot of its meaning in the process.

Any other misgivings I might have with this entry are the result of these pacing issues. The rest is fine, and seeing as it is acting largely as a backstory for a character vengeful motives, the cliffhanger is effective and appropriate.

>B-
Goodness, I thought he might be talking about Pluto, but I couldn't imagine anyone would actually go through with that. Had me feeling a little giggly inside—I hope this entry wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, despite the suicide and all.

The description is mostly in good taste, with but a few typoes—peer (sight) versus pier (dock)—and some repetitiveness—fair being used twice for the same thing, and boy and boyish being in such close proximity. The moment is moving and a little chilling, and the total reversal from the note is great. There may not be much here, but I liked what I found.

>C+
While certainly formatted like a poem, this reads to me more like the sort of dialogue you might find in theatre. As such, I won't even bother reviewing it like poetry, because it seems to me that would be an effort in futility.

It was dramatic, with many effective uses of parallel structure, interjections, and contrasting perspectives—but ultimately, it was just a conversation between a pessimist and an optimist about the nature of the cosmos. While the two individuals have conflicting perspectives, neither of their stances is ever really challenged by the opposite, and as such nothing really changes between the beginning and end of the piece, making it simply an example of good literary technique.

>C-
I am fond of rhyming in poetry, though I'll note that it wasn't until the verse-pairs started to balance out in metre that it started to work.

I understood snippets of meaning, but on the whole, I find myself wondering whether this poem was intended to simply be a thematically consistent conglomerate of pretty speech. It is difficult to follow the intent of the piece, and this makes it difficult to figure out what to look for.

I am far more of a story analyst than a poet, and so I fear that I'll have to leave it at that.

As one can presumably gather from the letters above, my @vote goes to the first entry, the Dark Places. To everyone else, great efforts, and I hope you continue to strive for the best!

Yo, time for my little reveal!

I hadn't originally intended to go anonymous, but once I realized I'd forgotten a couple minutes after submitting, I decided to leave it as is anyways. Just curious to see how it would do.

I think, therefore* I am was mine entry. Some typoes will live on in eternal infamy.

Thank you for the praise I received, as well as the criticisms, @Terminal and @PlatinumSkink. The pacing is evidently what I need to work on next—it has always been my greatest challenge.

In a sense, this story is a result of me biting off more than I could chew—at least, initially.

The initial focus of the story was going to be too many superpowers, with a cast of fledgling powered individuals struggling to come to grips with their new reality, and wrecking havoc in the city as a result. Each individual also had a subplot; too much of their specific superpower.

Eight supers had been developed, each with a meltdown for the ability.

But partway through the submission period, I realized there was no way I was going to be able to keep myself motivated enough to write that much in a week. So I took one character, the one who fit the theme best alone, and wrote exclusively about him.

Superpower analysis and deconstruction has always been an interest of mine. While this entry may not be my best, I did have a blast coming up with it!

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