So wow my lil brother being here has really amped up the 'stupid bullshit' in my life thing again, wow. Also my dad taking a vacation from work for a week. Like those overlap into bad.
Anyway so I'll just go through my day as a venting thing and then you can comment or shout angry things at my dad (you'll likely be wanting to again) or w/e. I don't know why people read these, but thank you for any support.
So a couple days ago my mom had to get this heart monitor thing because she's having arrhythmia and it's actually not looking good (she and her family have a history of heart conditions, she's been operated on a couple of times already, her dad is getting operated on around this time as well). So when she and dad and my lil brother were going to go to Santa Clara she used that to make me come too so it wouldn't be as bad for her.
I kinda knew I was gonna end up going so I didn't put up a fight or anything, but I didn't know dad was going and so bleh. I'm way more cool with my lil brother (and we actually /hung out/ in the car) but uh... yeah not so cool with dad. So we get there, I brought my spinning to keep me occupied as we walk as I learn why the hell we're there to begin with.
This actually goes back to an argument I overheard between lil brother and dad a while ago. Dad has recording studio in new apartments, lil brother recorded song, but wasn't happy with it. Dad without telling lil brother began to 'produce' the song, and they fought because he wanted to rerecord so he'd like the original recording and he was mad that this would mean the work he did that lil brother didn't know about would go to waste.
Dad of course wins out and now they're there to record for the music video that dad wants it to have. Lil brother does not want this. You can kinda already tell that the day's gonna be fun, huh?
Well, essentially, we get there, they spend the whole time fighting, I back up my lil brother out of sight and earshot of dad, but spend most of the time hanging with mom and actually enjoying myself. Mostly from spinning on the beach. Anyway, things happen and eventually they give up, we move to a different location (Half Moon Bay?) and they end up recording stuff there on a beach.
During this time, I talk with my mom. She's being very good and loving and accepting and was asking questions and trying to see what she could do that would help me be more comfortable and etc. I say that there's not a lot that she can really do right now while dad's not in the know and dear lord do we not want him to be in the know he would not handle that well and I like access to money for things like food and internet.
So I tell her that I have a lot of resentment for dad and she tells me that she understands, and has resentment towards him as well... and that she thinks he's at least partially responsible for my whole MtF feelings.
This is where I learn a bit about my childhood that I don't remember. I probably don't remember it because holy shit it sounds awful and it is likely repressed to hell.
So you know my dad,, the sterling example of a dad he is, well it turns out that this is the new and improved him. I will admit, there are definitely improvements that I'm aware of. He's usually less drunk when he drinks, and less angry/violent when he's drunk.
But it turns out that this improvement thing has been going on for a long time... meaning that he used to be considerably worse before hand. I could've assumed that, but then mom filled me in on things.
So it turns out that when I was young, like not even 10, my dad would some times get angry. Maybe not even angry at me. But he'd get angry, and he would take it out on myself or one of my brothers. He did it more often towards me, for reasons that I /assume/ are because I was the smartest of them and therefore maybe he held me to a higher standard or something I dunno.
Long story short, I do remember some bad things from around that time. Being beaten to bloody and bruised because he liked using the buckle of the belt for spankings. I remember once having my pillows and blankets torn off my bed and locked away, and once my mattress being taken away as punishment. I remember him grounding me from having any food after noon, from reading, writing, drawing, and the time he removed all the books from my room, I thought /maybe/ the bible would be okay but no, young still Christian me had that torn away too.
In short, I remember quite a lot of bad things that are not conducive to being a good parent.
But I don't remember everything, apparently. According to my mom, some times my dad would just get... so angry at something and take it out on me, yelling and berating and breaking me down verbally to the point of I would just no longer be responsive. There would be days that I wouldn't talk, smile, eat, or leave my room. Sometimes I'd just completely shut down. She told me about how many hours she spent hugging me and apologizing about what dad said and did.
These were days when I was like, 9, 10, 11 years old. That's how I was treated by my dad.
Now for those of you NOT in the know, around 10 is when I started to develop suicidal thoughts, and auditory psychosis. It's also some of my earliest memories of not feeling like I was the right gender. Now there's a lot of debate between me and my friends elsewheres about what came first, the gender identity issues or the abuse, and it's hard to know for sure. I can clearly point at that time as being when I was broken, though.
So, mom and I talked about that... and then dad and lil brother came back from whatever music video shit they were doing and we shut up about it.
There were other things, but really... that bit there was kinda the big thing I wanted to just... talk about today. Even if it's not to a person per se, just in general.
Hope you don't mind that there's officially 3 threads now about this shit :p
Anyway so I'll just go through my day as a venting thing and then you can comment or shout angry things at my dad (you'll likely be wanting to again) or w/e. I don't know why people read these, but thank you for any support.
So a couple days ago my mom had to get this heart monitor thing because she's having arrhythmia and it's actually not looking good (she and her family have a history of heart conditions, she's been operated on a couple of times already, her dad is getting operated on around this time as well). So when she and dad and my lil brother were going to go to Santa Clara she used that to make me come too so it wouldn't be as bad for her.
I kinda knew I was gonna end up going so I didn't put up a fight or anything, but I didn't know dad was going and so bleh. I'm way more cool with my lil brother (and we actually /hung out/ in the car) but uh... yeah not so cool with dad. So we get there, I brought my spinning to keep me occupied as we walk as I learn why the hell we're there to begin with.
This actually goes back to an argument I overheard between lil brother and dad a while ago. Dad has recording studio in new apartments, lil brother recorded song, but wasn't happy with it. Dad without telling lil brother began to 'produce' the song, and they fought because he wanted to rerecord so he'd like the original recording and he was mad that this would mean the work he did that lil brother didn't know about would go to waste.
Dad of course wins out and now they're there to record for the music video that dad wants it to have. Lil brother does not want this. You can kinda already tell that the day's gonna be fun, huh?
Well, essentially, we get there, they spend the whole time fighting, I back up my lil brother out of sight and earshot of dad, but spend most of the time hanging with mom and actually enjoying myself. Mostly from spinning on the beach. Anyway, things happen and eventually they give up, we move to a different location (Half Moon Bay?) and they end up recording stuff there on a beach.
During this time, I talk with my mom. She's being very good and loving and accepting and was asking questions and trying to see what she could do that would help me be more comfortable and etc. I say that there's not a lot that she can really do right now while dad's not in the know and dear lord do we not want him to be in the know he would not handle that well and I like access to money for things like food and internet.
So I tell her that I have a lot of resentment for dad and she tells me that she understands, and has resentment towards him as well... and that she thinks he's at least partially responsible for my whole MtF feelings.
This is where I learn a bit about my childhood that I don't remember. I probably don't remember it because holy shit it sounds awful and it is likely repressed to hell.
So you know my dad,, the sterling example of a dad he is, well it turns out that this is the new and improved him. I will admit, there are definitely improvements that I'm aware of. He's usually less drunk when he drinks, and less angry/violent when he's drunk.
But it turns out that this improvement thing has been going on for a long time... meaning that he used to be considerably worse before hand. I could've assumed that, but then mom filled me in on things.
So it turns out that when I was young, like not even 10, my dad would some times get angry. Maybe not even angry at me. But he'd get angry, and he would take it out on myself or one of my brothers. He did it more often towards me, for reasons that I /assume/ are because I was the smartest of them and therefore maybe he held me to a higher standard or something I dunno.
Long story short, I do remember some bad things from around that time. Being beaten to bloody and bruised because he liked using the buckle of the belt for spankings. I remember once having my pillows and blankets torn off my bed and locked away, and once my mattress being taken away as punishment. I remember him grounding me from having any food after noon, from reading, writing, drawing, and the time he removed all the books from my room, I thought /maybe/ the bible would be okay but no, young still Christian me had that torn away too.
In short, I remember quite a lot of bad things that are not conducive to being a good parent.
But I don't remember everything, apparently. According to my mom, some times my dad would just get... so angry at something and take it out on me, yelling and berating and breaking me down verbally to the point of I would just no longer be responsive. There would be days that I wouldn't talk, smile, eat, or leave my room. Sometimes I'd just completely shut down. She told me about how many hours she spent hugging me and apologizing about what dad said and did.
These were days when I was like, 9, 10, 11 years old. That's how I was treated by my dad.
Now for those of you NOT in the know, around 10 is when I started to develop suicidal thoughts, and auditory psychosis. It's also some of my earliest memories of not feeling like I was the right gender. Now there's a lot of debate between me and my friends elsewheres about what came first, the gender identity issues or the abuse, and it's hard to know for sure. I can clearly point at that time as being when I was broken, though.
So, mom and I talked about that... and then dad and lil brother came back from whatever music video shit they were doing and we shut up about it.
There were other things, but really... that bit there was kinda the big thing I wanted to just... talk about today. Even if it's not to a person per se, just in general.
Hope you don't mind that there's officially 3 threads now about this shit :p
