Tell us about a time you did or said something that was so awesome that you wished you had David Caruso's sunglasses on. Comebacks, quips, victories, petty revenge, or just something cool.

The other day I was waiting for my to-go order at a taqueria and I was wearing shorts despite it being cold. This guy comes in with his chick and his family, he's got this huge Pancho Villa mustache going on and he looks at me, deciding to be witty. "Isn't it a little cold for shorts?"

I was already not in the best of moods so I said back, "Isn't it too hot to wear a cat on your face?"

Not my best comeback ever but he got all butthurt and his wife laughed at him.

I probably saved an old guy's life once.

>super late at night
>freezing cold outside
>hear noises while trying to sleep
>think it's an animal
>I try to ignore it
>noises turn into "Help me"
>wait to make sure
>"Help me"
>still sort of sounds like an animal
>"Help me"
>Ok let me wake up mom and dad

There were only a few houses that were bunched together where we lived at the time. It was a small little group down a small road from an already small little shit town.

Our old-as-shit neighbor was lying in the gravel, barefooted, going all dementia saying he was trapped under a tractor. He probably would have colded to death sitting out there all night.

I really don't know how he turned out, but we did get get him back inside his house after waking his wife up with incessant knocks and rings.

Holy shit, that is awesome. You probably did save his life, the elderly are very easily overcome by hypothermia.

stdh.txt ITT

Saved my cousin and then-infantile second-cousin one time. We were walking back to our cars from a restaurant. We were in a large group but me and my cousin were a bit behind them as I'd stayed back with her as she was dealing with the baby. We're in the middle of legally crossing the street when I notice a truck speed past a stop sign maybe 20 feet away from us and head towards us without showing any signs of stopping. My cousin doesn't notice, but I quickly pull her and the baby out of the way before the truck goes by right where we were maybe 30-40 miles-an-hour (definitely not the speed limit). We all curse at the drivers and the idiots stop the car and prepare to get out like they are going to start some shit, but then bitch out and speed off once they realize there was like 9 of us there. Of course no one thought to get their license plate number but me ;D.

Pretty much every time I speak or do something

Azarthes said
Pretty much every time I speak or do something

Yeah this

I was at the Big Stupid Mall (aka the West Edmonton), and managed to get myself a great parking space by pure chance when somebody left as I was driving by, and it being a super busy day, this was a stroke of good luck. I pretty much pulled in and found a spot almost immediately. The guy in front of me's face was pretty priceless, because he realized that if he was a couple seconds later, he would have gotten the spot I did. Anyways, I get out of the truck and there's an older lady in her car stuck waiting at the intersection for cars to pass so she can leave, but behind her is some jackass in a big truck who's yelling at her out of his window and honking his horn and just generally being an angry motherfucker. The lady looked terrified, and I felt bad for her and was worried that if she was pressured enough, she might go into traffic before it was safe, so I decided to say something.

It was a while ago, so I may be paraphrasing a lot of this. It's as accurate as I remember.

I approached the man's truck, and asked him, "Where do you want her to go, exactly?"
"I want her to fucking move. She's taking too goddamn long." he's pretty much still shouting at me, his wife looks pretty embarrassed. I didn't really look at the kids in the back.
"She can't go anywhere until the traffic clears, buddy. Lay off the horn and be patient, you both just pulled up and it's not safe for her to pull out. It's really busy today."
The guy gives me a death glare and pretty much is turning his attention to me. "It's not your fucking problem, you want to start something?"
"No, I want you to calm the fuck down. You've got issues, man." at this point, I walk away and the friend I was with worriedly told me that he was getting out of the car. I didn't bother turning around, I didn't want to start a fight, and the guy would have to be a real idiot to try to pick a fight with a guy who's half his weight with literally dozens of witnesses.

The guy starts yelling all sorts of obscenities at me, and that he's going to teach me a fucking lesson or something. I just kind of turn over my shoulder, look at him, and call back, "What, do you beat your wife too?"

His wife is freaking out in the passenger seat, trying to get the guy to calm down. At this point, the old lady had managed to drive away safely and the guy was wasting more of his apparently super precious time looking for a fight or to be a tough guy. I was ready to fight, if I had to; It wasn't a case of if I knew I was going to win, but I was sticking up for somebody who couldn't stick up for themselves, and I didn't flinch from it. I really felt proud of myself after that, that I was willing to put myself at potential risk because I felt what he was doing was wrong. Anyways, I guess his wife convinced him it wasn't worth it, and he gets back in the truck and drives off. A family that was near me kind of looks at me and asks what that was all about, and I explain what the guy was doing. The guy just looks at me, shakes his head, and says, "Man, what a dick."

Indeed.

The fact I'm not a very confrontational guy and that I didn't stutter over my words and was ready to do what I had to do was something I was glad I still have in me to react when the time comes. I was shaking for a good half-hour after that, but man, I rarely felt better about myself.

That was badass, Derv. I love it. Nothing's more manly than standing up for those weaker when facing someone who could be just as dangerous to you.

I have to wait til I get home to read yours, Blitzkrieg, since my work computer doesn't let me open hiders.

It was a pretty awesome day after that, I bought myself the rifle I was after right afterwards, so that was pretty good. :D

Dervish's story reminds me of another one of mine, but this one is not as morally pleasing:

Sophomore year of college I partied allot, normally at my friends weekly Thirsty-Thursday night party. This one chick was really wasted, she was making out with every dude in the room, grinding on everything, talking shit to people, and generally being a sloppy drunk. Apparently her boyfriend started threatening her and she ran off into the night. My friend (the host of the party) asked that I find her and make sure she got home safely. So I got in my car (a retired police cruiser) and went in the direction of the dorms. At the edge of campus I saw a car parked and about four guys surrounding this girl (her inner-city boyfriend and his buddies. They saw my car and drove off before I got close (must of thought I was a cop.) I picked up the girl, she said she was alright, and I drove her to her dorm. As I walked her to the entrance, her boyfriend and his buddies were waiting on the steps, I took her to the back entrance, pushed her in the door and told her to go to her room and not to talk to him. Then walked back to my car as the boyfriend was yelling at me calling me a pussy and doing the typical stupid macho moves like taking his shirt off and taking the "come at me bro" pose.

I went back to the party and I felt pretty good about the night for the rest of the year, never saw the chick again...

...Until the next semester, from people who knew her, apparently she stayed in the stairwell that night and let her boyfriend and his pals in after I left. And you guess it, they beat the tar out of her. When I saw the girl again, it was at another party, but this time she was significantly more sober. She started calling me out and said that I was a pussy for walking away and that it was my fault she got hurt. I shrugged it off and walked away but her new boyfriend (another gang-banger who looked just like her ex) kept talking shit to me.

I went outside for a smoke when her new boyfriend and about 3 other guys surrounded me, got really close to me and started saying how I needed to be "taught a lesson". He threw the first punch, I am not a fighter but I am quick, I was able to dodge his blows until his friends started joining in. This lasted about 30 seconds until my friends (a bunch of rugby players) came running out of the house and joined the fight. The other guys ran off pretty quickly but I was still pretty shaken.

That's the treatment you get for trying to help someone in River Falls, WI.

Dude, that sucks. :/ You got to wonder how people can become so shitty. You did everything you had to do, there's not much you can do when somebody's so afraid of their boyfriend that they're willing to put up with that kind of shit. The fact she blamed you for it is just... she's got issues.

I don't have those.

I do those all the time in my imagination though.

Eh. If the chick gets completely wasted for parties and dates real scumbags then ya, don't be concerned with her opinion about anything.

I can't think of a story off the top of my head. Something will come to me, though.