Taking an inkwell from his bag, Pterrordactyl dipped one of his talons in before making out the autograph.
To Super Cosmos: Always follow your dreams, and don't let anyone keep you down. -Pterrordactyl"Oh, geez... I'm not actually sure I can get you an appointment with Mr. Spandez during the show, but... eeeeh, I can't say no to a fan! I can at least get you into the audience."
Holding out his hand to the alien with a smile, he hit the button on his locator device, phasing out of existence and into the decontamination room on the...
Video Star
Pterrordactyl grumbled as the decontamination room started its work. Sure, it was understandable- he didn't want an advantage in a hypothetical challenge because of strange microbes that the native immune systems weren't prepared for- but that didn't make it pleasant. A few moments later, he was heading back to the stage, a few of the Unpaid Faceless Interns showing Super Cosmos to the audience, chanting "Newdur" as they went.
Spandez shook his head, shrugging with an understanding sigh. He looked over to two full meters, and the bonus meter.
"That's right folks, Pterrordactyl put on a good show, but he didn't get a lightning round before coming back. Anything to say to the folks at home?"
Pterrordactyl sighed, rubbing the back of his head.
"Well... sorry to my fans. I just couldn't quite get there this year. But tonight, I'm going to give you a show that'll more than make up for not getting the lightning round!"
Putting a hand around Pterrordactyl's shoulder, Spandez walked him to center stage.
"Well, Pterrordactyl, That's not quite true. I've got a surprise..."
The two screens on either side showed a feed from the hidden cameras, showing children STILL crying... and a few crying tears of relief now that Pterrordactyl was gone. The voluptuous humanoid wheeled out another meter, draping herself over it to show it was just barely ticking past a picture of a thumbs-up. The crowd roared in joy, holding up the "WE LOVE YOU PTERRORDACTYL" signs.
"Pterrordactyl, I'm pleased to say- with tears of fear, pain, sorrow, and now relief, you've made enough children cry... FOR YOUR VERY! FIRST!
LIIIIIIIIGHTNIIIIIIING ROUND!"
Newdurs began backflipping onto the stage, forming a human pyramid... which was promptly shot by lightning, leaving a single Newdur to flex as the words "LIGHTNING ROUND" flashed on the screen in various languages. The curtain drew back, revealing a wall with three doors as Pterrordactyl looked around, tears of joy in his eyes. Spandez walked the pterosaur up to the doors.
"That's right! For the first time ever, Pterrordactyl's getting to see what's behind the doors! As always, there's going to be one of three things behind these doors. Our contestant picks one, and then we see what's behind another of the doors. He'll get the choice to switch to the other unopened door, or stick with his choice. Now, Pterrordactyl, which door do you pick?"
"I'm... I'm going to go with Door #3, Spandez!"
"You heard the man, he picked #3, so let's see what's behind door #1!"
Slowly, the door opened, revealing
two strange, horned creatures with rectangular pupils."Oh, it's a two for one deal on terror! These little guys'll eat you out of house, home, and planet! That's right folks, it's our old standby the Thrallaxian World Eaters! These little monsters give new meaning to the word 'Omnivore,' able to digest literally anything. Pterrordactyl, that leaves you with two possibilities- goods that can help you win in the lightning round tonight, or a fabulous prize! You going to stick with Door #3?"
"Hm... no, no I think I'll switch! Door #2!"
"Alrighty then, boys! Door #3 has... A Badurong stationary set! This set comes with a pack old-fashioned reed-based paper, four custom-engraved fountain pens, and a desk made of wood from Melkion 3! Which means behind door #2 is..."
The final door swung open, revealing a box.
"Now remember folks, we don't know Pterrordactyl's strategy just yet. So we've given him a gift certificate that can be spent at various Badurong establishments to buy whatever he thinks he'll need to rack up even more tears tonight. Tune in later today to find out if Pterrordactyl's going to be able to win even more..."
"BIG MONEY! BIG PRIZES!"
"IIIIIIIIIIII LOVE IT! THIS IS THE SPANDEZ CONQUEST HOUR, AND I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO TONIGHT'S GAME AS MUCH AS YOU ARE! SEE YOU LATER, FOLKS!"
Waving to the crowd, Spandez headed backstage... where he was promptly beset by Newdurs and various aliens. Taking the thermos of coffee and downing it in one go, he shook his head. That PSA hadn't gone right. It was supposed to hit an unoccupied spot in the ocean. But the projectile hadn't been balanced right. He headed into his office, stretching and putting his feet up on the ottoman he kept under the desk. This was going to be a long day. He began going through the list of things he'd have to do today. Call up the locals to apologize and explain about the railgun misfire. Decide on which contestant would be sent down next. Figure out a more severe punishment than the comically oversized deep frier for Loot and Pillage.
Sometimes, it was hard being the Lord of Bloodsport.