Round one of my reviews. Ellri will follow up with a deeper examination after my main issues have been addressed as I focus mostly on balance and story, then I will likely review it again for problems and/or requested additions. It is mostly routine as everyone's PC has been altered a few times, and rarely accepted the first round which is why the acceptance round is often the hardest. Also, I feel would be a good idea is to mention what type of lightsaber form(s) he uses as part of his skills. It helps a lot to keep your PC's fighting style the same through out the IC and match up against others should a PvP scene come up.

Name: Tyvan Relv
Species: Human
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Faction: Jedi
Rank: Knight

Appearance:

Appearance:

Notable Characteristics of Species: Somewhat more muscular than a normal human due to intense physical training before being captured.

This section is only for if your character isn’t fully human or another race completely. Various frame built and such don’t count as that is more an individual trait, even within the same race no one individual will have the same exact attributes, looks, etc. Any mention of his built, namely positive or negative, belong in the appearance section.

Flaws:
Easily goaded when fighting opponents, it makes him a bit more aggressive and more likely to mess up somehow while fighting.
Using the Force itself as a weapon. He has no problems with letting it aid him in lightsaber combat.
Hatred of the Sith clouds his judgement

Easily goaded: Alright, so he’s short temper and easily baited. A bit more detail on how easily he’s baited into messing up might be helpful as such, do they need to attack a key aspect of him or his allies? Does his attacks need to fail and the enemies comment on this starts to affect him?
Using the Force: Are you meaning his force ability is considered weaker than an average Jedi? It wouldn’t influence his fight ability, but it might explain why he doesn’t use force push and pull within combat while he could still do force assisted jumps and more physical type force.
Hatred: What degree of hatred? A kill all Sith mentality where he’ll immediately attack, become hostile or disrespectful toward anyone related to Sith without any provocation. Or just distrust of anything related to Sith and while he wouldn’t attack on sight, he’ll keep looking for a reason to become hostile. Hatred is a very vague word in this sentence and could be many levels. Xid’s, for example, hates Sith enough that he seriously a hard time not expecting anything doesn’t come with a price.

Skills:
Very Experienced Lightsaber and hand to hand combatant
Physically stronger then most humans due to constant training
Can identify weak spots in opponents while fighting after observing an opponents fighting style

Are these the only skills he has? Any that aren’t combat based and might stem into other areas, making him more than a fighter only?

Force capabilities:
Weak version of Force Push
Weak version of Force Pull
Weak version of the Jedi Mind trick

Simply put the basics and any additional abilities you think he might have. Namely ones that fit his personality and history.

Biography: Tyvan was originally born on the planet Dantooine and was found to be force sensitive at a young age. He was taken to Coruscant by the Jedi after being surrendered to the Jedi order by his parents who believed that he could one day make a difference in the galaxy as a Jedi.

Alright, how young? The ages can range from 2-7 for youths, though he can be found much older. if he was born on Dantooine then it would be a long trip to make and costly to have him taken all the way to Coruscant. There are other places, like temples or academies, that will give the same Jedi result and allow more creative freedom when it comes to your PC’s history. I suggest looking up them up in the wookieepedia.

As he grew older and trained more he was found to be an excellent lightsaber and hand to hand combatant but seemed to lack the ability to use the force as a weapon. Abilities that came naturally to other students such as Force Push were much more difficult for Tyvan to use. As he realized this, he decided to focus his training on physical combat and mastery of the lightsaber. After finally becoming a Jedi Knight, he was dispatched to the planet Balmorra where he saw what the sith were capable of first hand. He developed an obsession with destroying the Sith after seeing the atrocities they had unleashed on the population.

Some examples, even brief, might be ideal to mention. Was he directly involved or knew allies that fell during these incidents, etc.how personal was it to him?

The Jedi learned of this and attempted to bring him back to the Temple. Tyvan reluctantly complied with the order and attempted to return to the Order only to have his ship intercepted by a Sith patrol vessel near Nar Shaddaa and he was taken captive. Although the Imperials captured him, Tyvan didn't make it easy for them.

Another idea to consider is that Tyvan could’ve been taken prisoner during a mission a week or two before the sacking, in which he could’ve been an unwilling guest under the Empire. Then transferred into Darth Nyiss’ project on board the Kaggath.

He left the hanger deck in ruins with a large amount of dead imperial troopers in his wake before he was finally taken down by a Sith Lord who had been traveling aboard the ship. He woke up in the brig and found a small group of Jedi had also been captured and had been tortured before being killed and placed in his cell.

This aspect sounds pure as one of those ‘evil’ things villains do for no reason. Unless the Sith had a reason or was twisted, which doesn’t explain why Tyvan wasn’t killed as well, then this scene wouldn’t really have a purpose other than just merely make Sith to be pure villains which isn’t the rp’s main goal or theme. Even Sish, a vicious, unsavory killing machine has another side to his vicious habits. It could be the torture from the Empire and Sith that caused him to hate them, instead of hating them earlier in the history.

Tyvan lost all control upon seeing this and called upon his rage to knock out of the force field and proceeded to cause massive amounts of damage to the Patrol ship before he managed to make his escape, leaving the ship without life-support or engines. It was after this encounter that he made the decision to ignore the orders to return to the Jedi and instead find out from underworld sources if anyone had heard of Jedi being taken prisoner.

Unless he’s a master, I’m not fully comfortable with him literally using rage alone to blow out a force field, rapidly damage a ship and likely slaughter much of the crew. That’s master level power or more to me. I can understand him building up his hatred, anger, and more while trying to keep to his teachings but there’s no mention of that. At all. Merely the way it sounds, he experiences seeing some twisted and mangled bodies then explodes. If he was a padawan, that would’ve been more reasonable he would have a mental break down because they are still learning to retain their emotions. He’s a knight though.

It took a month or so, but he finally received intelligence that could help him on his quest. He has heard rumors about an Imperial vessel called the Kaggath, a vessel he is now dead-set on finding.

I’m sorry to say this, but this bit won’t work. Namely as the current rescuers don’t even know where the Kaggath is, realize it has the Jedi prisoners or even if houses Nyiss whom they are looking for. They only learned of the missing Jedi 3 days later after the Sacking of Coruscant and the Memory was actually being prepared for other missing Jedi rather than for the Sacking, redirecting its purpose when they learned about it. The Jedi Rescuer’s task is to learn and piece the facts together as they attempt to intercept the Kaggath to save the Jedi when they learn of it.

Also, for the future, I suggest breaking the bio into 1-3 paragraphs, please? Because this is really hard to read when all your sentences are clustered together for my eyes.

Personality and/or Motivation: Utter destruction of the Sith. Tyvan hates the sith and his outspoken opinion on that sometimes gets him in trouble. He is dedicated to the majority of the Jedi teachings but does not believe that there can be redemption for the sith.

I assume he keeps his views verbal only? Namely if he’s the type to get violent, the Council wouldn’t tolerant him, even during war time, becoming a knight because they would view him as a ticking bomb. A too great of risk on the battle field. Also how does he view the Sith, what makes him hate them so much? Merely how he was taught or does it have a more personal reason? How does he react with his fellow Jedi, an immediate kinship and support or does it take time to gain that? Is he a team player or follower?

Player’s long term goals: Kill as many sith as possible. If he dies, he wishes it to be with a pile of sith corpses around him fighting against what he hates..

Due to the rp being more based on the story aspect of the light and dark sides of the force, this section is more connected to the Player than the actual character. This means, bluntly, what type of story do you want to tell with your PC? Keep in mind, since he’s a prisoner, you want to be flexibility and have the chance he he can be lured to the dark side as a possibility. Else he stands a guaranteed chance- if he doesn’t escape- then he will die.

Relations: None.

I suggest talking with a few players that might’ve been on the planets you mentioned. They could’ve briefly met him.

Final Point - Secrets: He doesn't know it, but a relative of his is in training at the Sith Academy on Korriban. Someone he considered long since dead.

This person should be mentioned in the bio or at least include who they are, why they are important and finer details so the other Sith Players can use this against your PC later in the rp. Unless you rather just pm that stuff to the GMs which is also fine. As well as how this might affect your PC.

I'm sure that there are things wrong with this somewhere. But I'm not entirely sure what is missing. I'm eager for a response and to hear where I can build here. I'm well aware that the requirement is not yet submitted and relations need to be filled out. I may try and see if I can take the suggestion and work a relationship with Andri in there. Not sure if 'Bell', the secret, is entirely kosher. Thanks, y'all.

Name: Khan Javari
Species: Human
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Faction: Jedi Order
Rank: Jedi Knight
Captive? Nope, Rescuer

Appearance:
Khan is a man resembling, in a limited sense, a bear. His face is often unshaven, in fact he rarely goes out of his way to find a conventional blade to put to his face. The hair above his facial hair is unusually long, kept in dreadlocks for his convenience during rapid movement. His hair has a deep, hazelly color in his hair, blending well with the soft beige pigment of his skin. His stocky frame is large, six feet tall in height, and thick with muscle all throughout.

Flaws:
He is prone to hesitation when it comes to hurting people. For this reason, he likes to avoid direct confrontations. Even if he is in a clearly superior tactical or moral stance, he must push himself beyond his comfort zone to consciously cause pain. His belief in people's ability to be redeemed may often lead to unnecessary risks, such as the threat of bodily harm or betrayal. At times, he considers the lives of less sophisticated or non-sentient life forms to be of equal or greater value than the 'people' around him.

Skills:
Having lived in the forests of Kashyyyk, he has developed acrobatic finesse and the ability to climb many varieties of trees with his bare hands, or using his lightsaber when necessary. When he can hold himself together in combat he is very effective as a lightsaber duelist, deftly batting his blade unexpectedly in a risky, though typically rewarding, fashion. Also worth noting is his physique. While he is no match in a serious contest, he has playfully wrestled with Wookies for years, increasing his musculature massively through regular practice.

Force capabilities:
In addition to standard force abilities, he has an obvious aptitude for turning animals to his side and befriending them, leading to a mind-link with creatures in a 'mid-level' intellectual range. While he is not capable of a Force whirlwind (yet), he is capable of creating one-directional winds, akin to a force push from a direction not his own. Useful while he is amongst beasts is the Revitalize abilities, also used on occasion for more intelligent beings around him.

Biography:
The planet Coruscant had been the cradle for many infants in the realm of the Republic, but one of them would be quite different from those around him. Khan Javari had distinguished himself from his peers shortly after birth by building a lifelong relationship with a mere rodent, which would play with him, lay with him, or even fetch such things as a bite to eat for him. When he was three years old, Rauma, as his companion was named, died in her sleep.

Khan was given up by his parents to the Jedi Temple for training before he could develop any real memories of them. As was the case with virtually all around him, he dreampt of becoming one of the highly revered Jedi Knights, respected and beloved by all of the Republic. Yet he was initially awkward when compared to the others, little in size and uncoordinated in the realm of social exchanges. His greatest company and best friends were whatever animals happened to be near him.

Often the subject of pranks or social opposition, he was relieved when he was selected as apprentice by a Jedi named Bell Karama. By Karama's side, he honed his saber wielding abilities and got on a course of being a brutally effective duelist before being traumatzied by an unforseen torture. A mad Sith forced him to experience all the pain he'd caused others to feel through a psychic link. His master was a bit late to save him the pain, but did save his life.

At the age of seventeen he was freed of his apprenticeship, and unsurprisingly turned to a life of general seclusion in the forests of Kashyyyk, where he befriended several Wookies. He did so naturally because the Wookies proved too advanced mentally for his skill set. He never left Kashyyyk when higher orders didn't force his hand, but they did so annoyingly often.

While Khan himself was twenty-two he encountered a boy, thirteen years in age, who'd been living among the Wookies for a few days. The youth was capable of speaking basic, but couldn't remember his own history. More unusual though, was the story told by the boy's molten red skin and tendrils hanging on his face. He was a Sith Pureblood. Quickly, Khan made a pact with the Wookies, thanks to one of them who had a convenient speech impediment that enabled him to speak basic, that they would keep the boy's existance a secret. This Sith was named Bell, and he became the secret apprentice of Khan Javari.

When other Jedi were to come around, he concealed Bell with a helmet and forced him to keep in a cloak at all times. The years passed by and Bell eventually was taught to use a lightsaber, after much deliberation and peaceful indoctrination by Khan.

Now that he is twenty-seven years old, he has been contacted by Jedi Master Lyric Novan in response to a number of Jedi disappearances. Entrusting Bell to handle himself responsibly, Khan decided to turn his back on the declarations of the Council and Republic for the sake of his brothers in arms.

Personality and/or Motivation:
Khan is not lenient on his stance as a user of the Force's 'Light' side. In fact, he considers it his mission to help bring at least a few of the Sith Purebloods to the Light. He has long tried to spread justice and equality, respect for every individual. He hates no person or beast, attempting to redeem every life in his ability so they don't deserve a terrible fate at their end. However, he does hold a mighty distaste for wicked actions and qualities. When in the defense of those already innocent, he is going to be willing to take a life.

Player’s long term goals:
In Star Wars there are too many species to number, or at least more than I care too. All in all there are none I can think of that are painted as dark as the Sith Purebloods, discounting the Y. Vong. Prejudice would naturally result. Khan's story is an exploration of Jedi relations with the Sith species, Nature versus Nurture. I want to have him bring a sentiment nearing sympathy for the Sith. Naturally clashing idealogically with Jedi more concretely against them.

Relations:

Final Point - Secrets:
Bell - his secret/unofficial Sith Pureblood apprentice