All hail Lincoln. May he emancipate our souls from slavery to the flesh cage.

The S.T.A.L.K.E.Rs may not have made progress, but they do as S.T.A.L.K.E.Rs should: survive.

But can their combined experience of dealing with Bloodsuckers and Monolith prevail in the long-term? Has The Zone imparted any battlefield wisdom and survival strategies? We shall see.

Deez Nuts and Hillary cuddle for worth.
10/10

Hitler and Shrek, the allies with benefits.

In-fucking-credible.

Lincoln is a true champion of the people.

Welcome back to the first annual Presidential Hunger Games election! We've seen relationships blossom; Mr. Rogers and Bernie Sanders kindle a friendship, Hitler and Shrek kindle a romance, and Hilary Clinton fondles Deez Nuts. We've also seen the rise of Abe Lincoln as the stone coldest of our killers. It seems likely he will win himself a third term. Again the question everyone is asking themselves is; who will Lincoln kill next?



Mr. Rogers finishes what Lincoln started! The man who would be everybody's neighbor strikes a blow against the woman who every neighbor likes to bitch about when they run across you in the halls. The death of Hilary marks the end for the first of the candidates chosen by state primaries. Trump, the man who seems destined to just fiddle-fart around the arena, is the only hope for traditional democracy now. We also find Vermin, Shrek, and Stubbs helping each other out in what seems likely to be the plot for the 65th film in the Shrek franchise.

What might be my favorite mental image from this morning is The Donald, Genghis Khan, Putin, and Dagnabbitoff telling ghost stories. It is now I realize that I am completely incapable of imagining Trump telling a ghost story. "I love ghosts, ghosts are great, ghosts are the best. But some ghosts, some ghosts are in our televisions, they are haunting our houses, ghosts need to go. I'll catch the ghosts, i'll build a ghost catcher, it will be yuge, it will be the best ghost catcher..."

And lastly, we run across the greatest tragedy of the game. George III makes like the big pussy that he is and bleeds out right there from no cause at all. His achievements included getting mugged, begging for someone to kill him, and hiding from fire. Congratulations, George III, you suck.



Putin, Camacho, and Dragatoweloff. Helluva team. I can see them playing a dragnet strategy and clearing this arena in one sweep.

Great Britain receives another embarrassment when a second of her chosen sons die. This one at least had the fortitude to be murdered. And in his defense, the picture I gave Vermin Supreme with his arms out like that seems to have effected his ambushing skills, because this is the second time he has pulled it off.

And it would seem Mary Queen of Scots has finally gotten tired of how useless her fellow countrymen are, and she performs her first kill in murdering the last competing Briton. Now it is only her and what might remain of her booze. God save the queen.

The Donald's mild, low energy career comes to an end when he apparently poisons himself. That does not surprise me, but what does surprise me is that Genghis followed him in this fate.

Though I admit one of the best parts of this is Stubs practicing his archery. That is impressive. I think the cat might be a legitimate competitor.



And there they go, the chaff is if separated from the real gangsta wheat. We have seen the near-collapse of Britain's hope and the primary-chosen. Those that remain are a stronger, heartier set. Though I think I speak for some when I confess my biggest disappointment was Lincoln's retirement to a cave. Has the bloodshed finally gotten to him? Must he wash away his sins in the womb of mother earth?

Is this the first pacifist STALKER run?

Has Strelok and Degtyarov even showed off their mad AK-74u skills yet?

Shrek is winning this game by sleeping.

Incredible.

Shrek is winning this game by sleeping.

Incredible.

AND sleeping WITH people.

Br00tal

I'm a little disappointed that Jeremy wasted the game being stalked or stalking others.

Welcome back to the first annual Presidential Hunger Games election! Last time saw the death of six of our less impressive candidates. Trump was stumped, Hilary torn from the embrace of Deez Nuts, all while the former champion Abe Lincoln retreated into a cave. What comes next? Will we see a new champion emerge, or is Lincoln only taking a short break? Let us watch and find out.



Mr. Rogers, the Bane of Hilary, rests after the kill. We nearly lost our second socialist Jew, but the Princess Leia spares him in the end. Is is strange that a billionaire aristocrat would save a man like Bernie, or has the lost of the planet she called home changed Leia's perspective?

Stubbs thinks about winning. And why should he not? I see the making of a champion in him despite the lack of kills. He collected a shield, and has learned archery. He hunted, even if it was for the least dangerous of pray; a Briton. What I see in him is preparation. He is biding his time until that moment when he can strike out with confidence, and because of that I say we shouldn't make assumptions. That cat might be our next president yet.

It is also confirmed. Lincoln is woken by nightmares. He entered the game with righteous bloodlust, killing Ron Paul and making an attempt on Hilary Clinton. After his brutal slaying of Kim Jonh Un, however, the blood on his hand has become too much for him to bare. He hides away in his cave now, experiencing flashbacks and regrets. Maybe he will survive it, or maybe, just maybe, the one to slay Lincoln will be himself.

But Putin isn't laying down. He slays Hitler with an arrow to the skull. Astute watchers will note that Putin also slew Stalin, proving that when it comes to the dictators, there can only be one. We must also reflect that Hitler was not an evil force in this world, nor a particularly dangerous one. His most notable achievement was becoming the little spoon to Shrek's benevolent big spoon. Surprisingly, Hitler was too gentle a soul for our election.

And also,



Ouch. Shrek is a trooper, that is not the face I would make if that happened to me.



Dragyourtoesoff sneaks up on the sneakmeister, and we should respect him for that. Getting a drop on Vermin Supreme is a feat to be admired.

We also see Stubbs make a slingshot. This cat might be the most well armed contestant out of them all. He has no kills as of yet, but that might not matter. There isn't a more deliberate candidate on the field.

Lincoln's experiences might have changed him. Bernie, suffering injuries from his near-death to Princess Leia, finds an unlikely ally in Murderin' Abe. One has to wonder if this is a permanent shift. After reflecting on his deeds, has Lincoln turned a corner in his life? Are we seeing a man realize the weight of his crimes and experiences, and that he must do good for the world.

And Shrek, after his slow start, begins to show himself the killer that Lincoln no longer is.



Here are the honored dead, on a list that looks sort of like what a fourth grader with ADHD might write when asked to supply a list of his favorite historical figures.

Degtyrov's skills in navigating anomalous fields to steal artifacts pays off.

I can't believe the cat is the most armed so far.

Shrek stomped Deez Nuts hard.

Shrek stomped Deez Nuts hard there.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?

Welcome back to the first annual Presidential Hunger Games election! We've seen a lot happen. Hitler, bless his heart, has passed away into another world equal to his gentle spirit. Shrek destroyed Deez Nuts. Abraham Lincoln seems to have went soft on us, but Putin's one man coalition of the willing continues to plod forward, and a little cat named Stubbs arms itself for the coming showdown. Many have died, few remain, and our President is still to be decided.



Right out of the gate the quiet Russian Dillpickov bloodily punctuates the impressive career of Putin. He was looking like the one; like the killer who might just take over for our Lincoln, who has degraded himself to a point once held by the weak George III in hiding from fires in the night.

Mary spears Strelok right in the gut. Now Strelok isn't a loss as he hasn't done anything, but this is a big win for the British block who otherwise haven't produced any impressive results. We Hail Mary, and wonder if maybe she has the stuff to fill in for the loss of Putin and newly-found passivity of Abe Lincoln.

Nothing much else happens here but...





Stubbs, the cat with the plan, the hero who shed no inordinate amount of blood and prepared himself skillfully for the end, is betrayed. It took two men to drown the cat. He must have fought to the very end, until the last pathetic bubble of oxygen broke the service of the water and his body went limp with death. Did Camacho or Mr. Rogers feel remorse? Will Stubbs be avenged? The North Remembers. Or, at least, a town in Alaska does.



The murderers of Stubbs still remain at large, but the man who slew Putin has been brought down by four of our surviving warriors. I doubt this triumph will wash away the sins of Camacho, but team Putin can rest easy knowing theirs has been avenged.

But Lincoln! Oh Lincoln! There is a story that rivals the fall of Stubbs. How long was he our champion before this moment? His downfall brings about the end of an era. We must wonder if all we thought we knew about this election ever meant anything at all.



Bernie shows the same mercy a repentant Lincoln once showed to him in a different time and a different place. In some ways, his spirit lives on, freeing the metaphorical slaves that are within all of us.



They say good stories come in three acts, and the second act is the lowest point for the characters. It is now the responsibility of the survivors to make holy the sacrifices made on the field of electoral combat and bring about an ending that will have made the suffering worth it. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

RIP Stubbs, RIP Lincoln. Vermin Supreme is our only hope. May his murder of Jesus save his soul for the rest of this horrid event.

NO. LINCOLN. He. . he had so much to live for! Now who will emancipate our damned souls?!