So I've finally done it. I've found the worst roleplay character. Not the worst "in the thread"; not the worst "on the site." This is the Holy Grail of bad roleplay characters and having beheld it I now feel totally empty inside because where the hell am I supposed to go from here? No one will ever top it. I must move on with my life knowing that this feeling of disgust and dread will never be surpassed. I'm like that guy in
Hellraiser who has experienced all the most intense worldly pleasures already so he resorts to joining an S&M cult in his quest for the next big endorphin hit.
Granted, he's not the very worst quality-wise. There are so-bad-they're-awesome characters, the
Plan 9 from Outer Space of roleplay. I can laugh at bad characters sometimes and get some entertainment out of them. Not this guy. He's not a good character, and he's not a so-bad-he's-awesome character either. He's in that terrible middle ground where he's too good to be awful and he's too awful to be good. He's vacuous, flavorless, vapid, bland. He has stolen life from me which I could have spent reading something actually enriching or God forbid, entertaining.
- "Jerk with a heart of gold" trope; because you want to be a badass but you're too timid and weak to accept the consequences of actually standing up to people and defending your unpopular beliefs, so you need to be "a good guy deep down" and I totally need to dig through your hard exterior just to realize you are—!
- Your horse has a name. Of course it does. It's a super-speshul horse, and you're, like, connected to it and shit. Maybe your sword too?
- You use a "hand and a half" or "bastard" sword because you want to be ready for anything; you want to be versatile and prepared, so you can use it 2h or with a shield. Never mind the fact that that's not how bastard swords work. You're the hero. And heroes use swords.
- Mid thirties, sexually attractive. Speaks for itself.
- Has a lot of scars (to look more rugged) even though he's apparently really good at fighting.
- Feigns at a tragic and sorrowful backstory even though he apparently likes fighting, and spends his entire time IC smirking and generally being a pompous ass.
- Dead parents. Wouldn't want Mummy mailing him some of his favorite cookies or something equally embarrassing, would we? He's a badass.
- Pet animal. Usually a wolf or a dog but there can be some leeway here.
- Perfect sculpted bodybuilder physique on a medieval diet. No.
- Arbitrary and gratuitous wilderness survival skills; because again, he's a badass, and relying on other people in any way whatsoever is a sign of weakness. Can't have that, can we? So yeah, I'll totally humor your "wilderness survival skills" even though I can tell you've never been camping before in your entire sedentary life.
- "Is very cold and distant at first but once you get to know him he'll be your most loyal friend for life." While the rest of us gullible fucks are giving our bank details to Nigerian princes because they're probably nice guys.
- BOOT KNIVES BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY AN ASSASSIN OR SOMETHING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- You were afraid of having a silly or non-masculine name so you went with the most mundane R and K-riddled fantasy name you could fathom. The letter R is badass.
- Weaknesses which are totally endemic and won't ever realistically be confronted during the course of the RP; because having actual insecurities to confront IC isn't something badasses do. I get it, your tragic past is so fucking poignant and totally justifies why you're afraid of jumping into deep water from tall heights while there's a spider sucking blood from your neck. But come the fuck on.
If you're reading this and you're the guy who subjected me to this intellectual and artistic torture, I'm drunk and fuck you, give me my ten minutes back. I wasted ten minutes of my precious fucking life having deigned to read this mediocre garbage which
you wrote, edited, sanctioned, and had the sheer fucking
balls to post online. You know exactly who you are, you animal, you depraved fucking monster, and you're directly responsible for this abortion having pierced my innocent virgin eyes.
You're responsible!