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Name:
Old Man Henderson

Department:
Damage Control (Formerly Human Resources)

Asset Number:
TK-324 H3N.D3r50n

Age:
70s? (Never actually disclosed but he's still as active and fit as someone half his age)

Personality and "Back Story":
Old Man Henderson. The man, the myth, the legend. Or something like that. Without beating around the bush, Old Man Henderson is only a "little" bit crazy, entirely dependent on where and how you judge "a little". His first name was long forgotten, has dyslexia with a mild case of Schizophrenia, enjoying getting high on things that are physically impossible to get high on (not that "reality" ever prevents him form getting high on literally anything), speaks in a nigh on impossible to understand Scottish accent with no idea of "indoor voice", and blames all of his life's misfortunes on the Vietnam War and Ronald Nixon McDonalds. He never actually went to 'Nam and doesn't know that Ronald Nixon McDonalds ins't a real person but three people (one fictional) that he made up one day while getting high on Big Mac sauce

No one actually knows how the fuck Old Man Henderson got into the Illuminati although water cooler rumors say that it had something to do with an Eldritch being who he though stole his lawn gnomes, a yacht, more barrels of Whoop-Ass than is both ethically allowed and humanly possible to contain, a stripper-nun-ninja-cyborg-pirate-cowgirl-whale-riding-viking from Kazakstan, his stuffed parrot named Rupert who still sits on his shoulder, a reincarnated gorilla-jesus and a good old fashion 30-.06 Springfield bolt action thats unfortunately no longer with him. If his backstory sounds random and incomprehensible, its probably because whenever he tells it to someone, its always something different. As of right now there are no less than 28.5 "official" story-rumors circulating on how Old Man Henderson got in (the .5 is because he started but left half way to go chase after a flying fish he sword was wearing a top hat that was actually a hallucination and never finished the story).

He used to be in Human Resources but due to events that no one involved is willing to talk about (not even Old Man Henderson) and got moved to Damage Control. Rumor says that it involved Rupert the stuffed parrot having an affair with the stripper-nun-ninja-cyborg-pirate-cowgirl-whale-riding-viking from Kazakstan. Also, never fuck with his (currently MIA) Lawn Gnomes. He's currently on the hunt for them in a righteous crusade, completely forgetting that he sold them to a pawn shop, got high on a brick and promptly forgetting about it.

Skills:
- Proficent in Kung-Shotgun-Fu
- Memorized the Book of Mormon
- Memorized the Book of Morons
- Memorized the Book of Mormonts
- Memorized the Book of Moors
- Memorized the Book of Morse Code
- Memorized the Book of Morality
- Memorized the Book of Morgan Freeman
- Memorized the Book of Mortarian
- Memorized the Book of Mortal Kombat
- Memorized the Book of Mortgages
- Memorized the Book of Morphine
- Memorized the Book of Mort
- Memorized the Book of Morocco
- Memorized the Book of Maracas
- Memorized the Book of Mana
- Memorized the Book of Morgues
- Memorized the Book of Morphing
- Memorized the Book of More
- Memorized the Book of Mortis
- Memorized the Book of Martyrs
- Memorized the Book of More Magics
- Memorized the Book of Manatees
- Memorized the Book of Mortars
- Memorized the Book of Moratoria
- Memorized the Book of Morphology
- Memorized the Book of Moralizing
- Memorized the actual Book of Mormon
- Casually knows simple sciences like basic chemistry, anatomy and Quantum Physics to name some.
- Speaks Brazilian Portuguese perfectly (but not European Portuguese, he can't speak that at all)
- Conversant/Knowledgeable in several different languages including French, Punjabi, Swahilli, C++, High Gothic, Galatic Basic, Elven and Tree (only oak though).
- Knows the Anarchist's Cookbook by heart
- Has all of the of luck of Las Vegas
- Makes a mean spaghetti and eggs using neither of those ingredients

Equipment and Spells:

Automatic Shotgun with Under Barrel Shotgun that has an Under Barrel Shotgun of its own, Tactical Side-Mounted Shotgun, stock mounted pump action shotgun and long range bolt action shotgun mounted on the other side - The go to weapon for Old Man Henderson and has managed to slay everything from mobsters to voodoo vampires. Has more shotguns jury rigged to it than is both physically possible and morally ethical. Old Man Henderson has been pressured by the Finance Department to reduce the amount of shotguns to save on the cost of shotgun shells but Old Man Henderson has refuted it multiple times stating in his professional opinion: "Nawht 'nuff dakka".

Magic 8-Ball - A Magic 8-Ball. No literally, its just that. Just a normal one with no magic. Old Man Henderson uses this to resolve arguments between him and other people, especially with Rupert the Stuffed Parrot. Also sometimes used to knock people out from a distance, the things are surprisingly effective against skulls when thrown.

Stalinium RPG-7 Warhead - The business end of an RPG-7 without a launcher to fire it from. Old Man Henderson uses it as a close quarters combat weapon. Although its been reported to have exploded multiple times while beign used, Old Man Henderson has never been seen hurt by the "explosion" and the warhead remains unexploded cause some to speculate if its magical or if its just Russian and made of Stalinium.

Baby's First Liber Necronomicon Coloring Book! - Stolen from some cultists who ran an orphanage in southern Romania, Eldritch powers are still being research intensively by Old Man Henderson (read: trying to use the pages to roll a blunt).

The Bong of Destiny - Old Man Henderson's favorite bong that allows him to smoke anything; originally thought it was the Spear of Destiny until he found out he couldn't stab a ghoul with it.

Necromancer's Chinese Takeout Box of Pyromancy - The little box things you get takeout in, taken after a bust of a Necromancer's lair. Has trace amounts of flame-based arcane power but the source is unknown if it was from the Necromancer or the really well cooked Mapo Tofu it once carried.

The Crocodile Launcher - A catapult that fires reptilian predators Old Man Henderson claims that it was once a relic of the legendary Steve Irwin but no evidence has been found. Old Man Henderson has been expressly banned from using it by PR after he "accidentally" chucked a crocodile at a candy store in an incident now only referred to as the "Choco-Croco Incident".