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[OOC] St. Fortuna's Academy for the Higher Arts Page 48
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dabombjk OneWhoYouDoNotKnow
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@invader len
Name: Kieran Damond
Image or Description:
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Mage or Familiar: Mage
Magic Type: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Ability: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Mage, omit this entirely)
Known Spells: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Partner: (Leave this blank until your partner is announced)
Personality: Kieran is a somewhat overly eager and energetic fellow. While his classic use-humor-to-hide-his-real-feelings tactics is somewhat overplayed, and his childish antics can be seen as immature, Kieran is actually a very different person deep down. In his thoughts he is somewhat pessimistic and trusts no one but he learned a long time ago that to live in this world and to be get places you must smile and be happy. Being angry and distant will only make enemies. Kieran is very smart, and he does not like to lie outright, but he prefers to keep his real thoughts to himself.
Biography: Kieran was born and raised in Colbar, born to two loving parents but raised by his caring older brother. His mother fell ill while pregnant, which led to her needing to stay hospitalized after giving birth to Kieran. After a short period of time his father simply vanished, overcome with depression over the state of his wife and unable to raise Kieran, take care of Conrad, and take care of his wife. the older brother who cared for Kieran so much, found a job working at the docks and was able to barely afford to take care of himself and Kieran. Conrad was brilliant in his own way, but very unmotivated before Kieran was born and lived at home with his parents. When he gained fulfill custody of Kieran he was 21. He made sure Kieran had food everyday, school supplies, and clothes that fit.
Kieran was often teased at school for being quite poor and having no parents, as mean as kids are a such a young age. At first Kieran would become upset and enraged, often attempting to solve such claims that his father left him with his fists. His brother Conrad quickly convinced him that anger was not the solution. “Someday”, His brother would say to him, “You will need them for something. One day you are going to need friends to stand behind you, or you will need to stand behind someone. Understand, these kids don’t understand what they are saying, they heard something from their parents who do not like us and went with it. Even if you are still upset, pretend not to be and they will eventually stop.”
After hearing this a few times, Kieran began testing out what he was told and found in time that his brother was right. So Kieran learned how to lie decently enough, realized he had a knack for cracking jokes, and tried to blend in. He will still always be upset his father walked out on him and his brother, and he would never forget the times he was teased for it and for being poor, but he learned that reacting rashly when presented with a delicate situation brought on by others was the wrong way to handle the situation.
Kieran stayed poor, even when he was able to bring in money for small chores around the neighborhood, but kept good grades and was eventually able to reach a scholarship for St. Fortunas. His goal was to be able to make a living and be famous for writing, which was his passion, but he the real reason why he wanted to attend the academy was for a much more base reason. He was tired of living in poverty, and when he realized he had a knack for magic he formulated a plan. He would use his book smarts and use magic to gain the necessary income to where he could support himself and his brother, then he would move on from there. He had his sights set on a bigger goal, a long term goal beyond writing. Writing was still his goal but it was a short term one. Kieran believed that in time he would be able to learn much about the different forms of magical writing such as the many types of symbols and signs, and he believed that one day he could either discover something new or invent something new. Something that could change the world.
Likes: Spicy food, reading fantasy books, playing video games, learning new magic, writing (as in research or for personal reasons.), sarcasm, pranks.
Dislikes: Bullying, talking about his parents, sweets, people being able to tell when he is lying.
Points: (Total number of points you've earned from posting. You're responsible for keeping track of them. Start out with 10, assign them to your stats as you like.)
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
Quiz Answers: Mage Quiz =
1 - World famous Author .
2 - Make a joke, own up to being caught, but try to diffuse any anger with humor and self
insulting. If humor does not work he will try to escape and hide.
3 - More than likely he will not bring up the fact that he knows he was lied to. He would keep the information to himself until it could benefit him so as to avoid undue drama.
4 - Buy food.
5 - Slightly panic on the inside, and will retrace his steps to find. If still lost, panic on the outside and rush to find it.
6 - If it was just one talent, and by talent I assume something along the lines of a skill they possess not just necessarily something they are inherently good at, then he would choose the ability to be able to perfect the art of lying.
7 - Fantasy, because he enjoys becoming enraptured by the thrill of a story that could come from a fairy tale. Something along the lines of a hero arriving at the top against all odds and defeating the villain. Or even vice versa, where the villain is the misunderstood victim and he does what he believes is right even though everyone hates him for it.
8 - His elder brother, who took care of him for so long.
Password:
Image or Description:
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Mage or Familiar: Mage
Magic Type: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Ability: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Mage, omit this entirely)
Known Spells: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Partner: (Leave this blank until your partner is announced)
Personality: Kieran is a somewhat overly eager and energetic fellow. While his classic use-humor-to-hide-his-real-feelings tactics is somewhat overplayed, and his childish antics can be seen as immature, Kieran is actually a very different person deep down. In his thoughts he is somewhat pessimistic and trusts no one but he learned a long time ago that to live in this world and to be get places you must smile and be happy. Being angry and distant will only make enemies. Kieran is very smart, and he does not like to lie outright, but he prefers to keep his real thoughts to himself.
Biography: Kieran was born and raised in Colbar, born to two loving parents but raised by his caring older brother. His mother fell ill while pregnant, which led to her needing to stay hospitalized after giving birth to Kieran. After a short period of time his father simply vanished, overcome with depression over the state of his wife and unable to raise Kieran, take care of Conrad, and take care of his wife. the older brother who cared for Kieran so much, found a job working at the docks and was able to barely afford to take care of himself and Kieran. Conrad was brilliant in his own way, but very unmotivated before Kieran was born and lived at home with his parents. When he gained fulfill custody of Kieran he was 21. He made sure Kieran had food everyday, school supplies, and clothes that fit.
Kieran was often teased at school for being quite poor and having no parents, as mean as kids are a such a young age. At first Kieran would become upset and enraged, often attempting to solve such claims that his father left him with his fists. His brother Conrad quickly convinced him that anger was not the solution. “Someday”, His brother would say to him, “You will need them for something. One day you are going to need friends to stand behind you, or you will need to stand behind someone. Understand, these kids don’t understand what they are saying, they heard something from their parents who do not like us and went with it. Even if you are still upset, pretend not to be and they will eventually stop.”
After hearing this a few times, Kieran began testing out what he was told and found in time that his brother was right. So Kieran learned how to lie decently enough, realized he had a knack for cracking jokes, and tried to blend in. He will still always be upset his father walked out on him and his brother, and he would never forget the times he was teased for it and for being poor, but he learned that reacting rashly when presented with a delicate situation brought on by others was the wrong way to handle the situation.
Kieran stayed poor, even when he was able to bring in money for small chores around the neighborhood, but kept good grades and was eventually able to reach a scholarship for St. Fortunas. His goal was to be able to make a living and be famous for writing, which was his passion, but he the real reason why he wanted to attend the academy was for a much more base reason. He was tired of living in poverty, and when he realized he had a knack for magic he formulated a plan. He would use his book smarts and use magic to gain the necessary income to where he could support himself and his brother, then he would move on from there. He had his sights set on a bigger goal, a long term goal beyond writing. Writing was still his goal but it was a short term one. Kieran believed that in time he would be able to learn much about the different forms of magical writing such as the many types of symbols and signs, and he believed that one day he could either discover something new or invent something new. Something that could change the world.
Likes: Spicy food, reading fantasy books, playing video games, learning new magic, writing (as in research or for personal reasons.), sarcasm, pranks.
Dislikes: Bullying, talking about his parents, sweets, people being able to tell when he is lying.
Points: (Total number of points you've earned from posting. You're responsible for keeping track of them. Start out with 10, assign them to your stats as you like.)
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
Quiz Answers: Mage Quiz =
1 - World famous Author .
2 - Make a joke, own up to being caught, but try to diffuse any anger with humor and self
insulting. If humor does not work he will try to escape and hide.
3 - More than likely he will not bring up the fact that he knows he was lied to. He would keep the information to himself until it could benefit him so as to avoid undue drama.
4 - Buy food.
5 - Slightly panic on the inside, and will retrace his steps to find. If still lost, panic on the outside and rush to find it.
6 - If it was just one talent, and by talent I assume something along the lines of a skill they possess not just necessarily something they are inherently good at, then he would choose the ability to be able to perfect the art of lying.
7 - Fantasy, because he enjoys becoming enraptured by the thrill of a story that could come from a fairy tale. Something along the lines of a hero arriving at the top against all odds and defeating the villain. Or even vice versa, where the villain is the misunderstood victim and he does what he believes is right even though everyone hates him for it.
8 - His elder brother, who took care of him for so long.
Password:
Spicy Chicken
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@dabombjk
Alright, let's get into this, shall we? First off, this is not a bad CS, not bad by any means. You're just a few points shy of getting in, and we have just a couple issues that need correction or clarification.
First off, welcome to the Dead Moms Club! We have so many dead moms in this RP, good lord what is up with Prydainian maternity care? Were the characters of this class born through chainsaw C-sections? Is darwinism directly being applied through the maternity ward? Do only the strong survive? This doesn't need to be changed, I'm just poking fun at how many mothers have "died in childbirth" or otherwise met their grisly end in this RP. We might almost have more dead moms than live moms at this point. Feels like I'm GMing a Disney movie.
Also, I hope that having "Male" in your mage/familiar designation is a typo, unless you insist on having "male magic". Which might cross us off the list of PG-13 RPs.
Now onto the real issues. First off, your character's mom dies and the dad skips out on them soon after, leaving your character in the care of his brother. As feel-good as this is, this raises questions. How old was your character's brother when this happened? Was he already an adult, and therefore legally able to raise his infant brother? If not, then they both should have been put in the care of their closest living relative, or in foster care. Alternatively, you could tell us how old your character was when their father left. Did he stay with the boys until the older one was an adult, before mysteriously bailing? This needs clarification and can be built on to give your character a little more depth.
Also, this is just another small thing, but if your characters live in Colbar, isn't a job as a dockworker, fish packer, or farm hand more appropriate for the character's brother? The textile industry is heavily concentrated in Erridún, another city. I like that you're incorporating the cities into your CS, but Colbar is a port city with a heavy focus on trade, fishing, and agriculture. They also have an exquisite trolley system, so finding work as a trolley driver/mechanic/cleaner is also feasible.
Next up, this is the most common correction we ask for, so don't feel bad about it, but it is still important. Why does your character want to go to St. Fortuna's? He's working hard enough to get a scholarship, but why? How does this relate to his dream of being a world famous author? I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but I want to see the connection. Is it an escape from poverty to the lap of luxury? Does he want to utilize not only the amazing history of the school, but the best education in writing and history available? Does he want to make connections with the wealthy and powerful and earn some favor from new friends? Why does he go to St. Fortuna's, and not simply join his brother as a worker in Colbar as soon as he is able?
Lastly, this was more of a formatting issue than a character issue, but could you keep your quiz questions with the answers? That way we can better understand the answers without us all having to keep 2-3 tabs open on understanding and interpreting what you've written.
Those are all the problems we have, I think they are easily fixable with a little clarification and the use of the copy/paste function. This is a well built character, you have a strong concept and they're fleshed out. A little on the darker side, but not too edgy to cross our lines. You just need a little bit of a push to scoot over the finish line, but I think with these corrections implemented, you'll get there. Once your made the edits, we'll happily review your character again.
This is Invader Len, signing off.
First off, welcome to the Dead Moms Club! We have so many dead moms in this RP, good lord what is up with Prydainian maternity care? Were the characters of this class born through chainsaw C-sections? Is darwinism directly being applied through the maternity ward? Do only the strong survive? This doesn't need to be changed, I'm just poking fun at how many mothers have "died in childbirth" or otherwise met their grisly end in this RP. We might almost have more dead moms than live moms at this point. Feels like I'm GMing a Disney movie.
Also, I hope that having "Male" in your mage/familiar designation is a typo, unless you insist on having "male magic". Which might cross us off the list of PG-13 RPs.
Now onto the real issues. First off, your character's mom dies and the dad skips out on them soon after, leaving your character in the care of his brother. As feel-good as this is, this raises questions. How old was your character's brother when this happened? Was he already an adult, and therefore legally able to raise his infant brother? If not, then they both should have been put in the care of their closest living relative, or in foster care. Alternatively, you could tell us how old your character was when their father left. Did he stay with the boys until the older one was an adult, before mysteriously bailing? This needs clarification and can be built on to give your character a little more depth.
Also, this is just another small thing, but if your characters live in Colbar, isn't a job as a dockworker, fish packer, or farm hand more appropriate for the character's brother? The textile industry is heavily concentrated in Erridún, another city. I like that you're incorporating the cities into your CS, but Colbar is a port city with a heavy focus on trade, fishing, and agriculture. They also have an exquisite trolley system, so finding work as a trolley driver/mechanic/cleaner is also feasible.
Next up, this is the most common correction we ask for, so don't feel bad about it, but it is still important. Why does your character want to go to St. Fortuna's? He's working hard enough to get a scholarship, but why? How does this relate to his dream of being a world famous author? I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but I want to see the connection. Is it an escape from poverty to the lap of luxury? Does he want to utilize not only the amazing history of the school, but the best education in writing and history available? Does he want to make connections with the wealthy and powerful and earn some favor from new friends? Why does he go to St. Fortuna's, and not simply join his brother as a worker in Colbar as soon as he is able?
Lastly, this was more of a formatting issue than a character issue, but could you keep your quiz questions with the answers? That way we can better understand the answers without us all having to keep 2-3 tabs open on understanding and interpreting what you've written.
Those are all the problems we have, I think they are easily fixable with a little clarification and the use of the copy/paste function. This is a well built character, you have a strong concept and they're fleshed out. A little on the darker side, but not too edgy to cross our lines. You just need a little bit of a push to scoot over the finish line, but I think with these corrections implemented, you'll get there. Once your made the edits, we'll happily review your character again.
This is Invader Len, signing off.
dabombjk OneWhoYouDoNotKnow
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@dabombjkAlright, let's get into this, shall we? First off, this is not a bad CS, not bad by any means. You're just a few points shy of getting in, and we have just a couple issues that need correction or clarification.
First off, welcome to the Dead Moms Club! We have so many dead moms in this RP, good lord what is up with Prydainian maternity care? Were the characters of this class born through chainsaw C-sections? Is darwinism directly being applied through the maternity ward? Do only the strong survive? This doesn't need to be changed, I'm just poking fun at how many mothers have "died in childbirth" or otherwise met their grisly end in this RP. We might almost have more dead moms than live moms at this point. Feels like I'm GMing a Disney movie.
Also, I hope that having "Male" in your mage/familiar designation is a typo, unless you insist on having "male magic". Which might cross us off the list of PG-13 RPs.
Now onto the real issues. First off, your character's mom dies and the dad skips out on them soon after, leaving your character in the care of his brother. As feel-good as this is, this raises questions. How old was your character's brother when this happened? Was he already an adult, and therefore legally able to raise his infant brother? If not, then they both should have been put in the care of their closest living relative, or in foster care. Alternatively, you could tell us how old your character was when their father left. Did he stay with the boys until the older one was an adult, before mysteriously bailing? This needs clarification and can be built on to give your character a little more depth.
Also, this is just another small thing, but if your characters live in Colbar, isn't a job as a dockworker, fish packer, or farm hand more appropriate for the character's brother? The textile industry is heavily concentrated in Erridún, another city. I like that you're incorporating the cities into your CS, but Colbar is a port city with a heavy focus on trade, fishing, and agriculture. They also have an exquisite trolley system, so finding work as a trolley driver/mechanic/cleaner is also feasible.
Next up, this is the most common correction we ask for, so don't feel bad about it, but it is still important. Why does your character want to go to St. Fortuna's? He's working hard enough to get a scholarship, but why? How does this relate to his dream of being a world famous author? I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but I want to see the connection. Is it an escape from poverty to the lap of luxury? Does he want to utilize not only the amazing history of the school, but the best education in writing and history available? Does he want to make connections with the wealthy and powerful and earn some favor from new friends? Why does he go to St. Fortuna's, and not simply join his brother as a worker in Colbar as soon as he is able?
Lastly, this was more of a formatting issue than a character issue, but could you keep your quiz questions with the answers? That way we can better understand the answers without us all having to keep 2-3 tabs open on understanding and interpreting what you've written.
Those are all the problems we have, I think they are easily fixable with a little clarification and the use of the copy/paste function. This is a well built character, you have a strong concept and they're fleshed out. A little on the darker side, but not too edgy to cross our lines. You just need a little bit of a push to scoot over the finish line, but I think with these corrections implemented, you'll get there. Once your made the edits, we'll happily review your character again.
This is Invader Len, signing off.
Hi hi! First off I would like to say I love your energy! So...........motivated! Cheerful!
Second I would like to apologize. If you look at my previous posts in my profile it would be apparent I'm a stickler for details but I will Andy I wrote this CS early AM quite inebriated. So for that I apologize.
Third I am at work so I fixed what I could but I won't be able to add the questions to the answers for at least 7-8 hours. I was hoping that we could move along the vetting process now and I can just add the questions when I get home. But if not it's kewl dawg I'm all about that GM respect low key ya dog it? (I just about gave myself a heart attacks writing like that)
Fourth I changed it so the mom was hospitalized cause she a sick bitch instead of a dead bitch. I stay by this, I am a slight edge lord, and usually my CS are dark af but I realize it would be better not to have that in this rp lol)
Second I would like to apologize. If you look at my previous posts in my profile it would be apparent I'm a stickler for details but I will Andy I wrote this CS early AM quite inebriated. So for that I apologize.
Third I am at work so I fixed what I could but I won't be able to add the questions to the answers for at least 7-8 hours. I was hoping that we could move along the vetting process now and I can just add the questions when I get home. But if not it's kewl dawg I'm all about that GM respect low key ya dog it? (I just about gave myself a heart attacks writing like that)
Fourth I changed it so the mom was hospitalized cause she a sick bitch instead of a dead bitch. I stay by this, I am a slight edge lord, and usually my CS are dark af but I realize it would be better not to have that in this rp lol)
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
<Snipped quote by Invader Len>Hi hi! First off I would like to say I love your energy! So...........motivated! Cheerful!
Second I would like to apologize. If you look at my previous posts in my profile it would be apparent I'm a stickler for details but I will Andy I wrote this CS early AM quite inebriated. So for that I apologize.
Third I am at work so I fixed what I could but I won't be able to add the questions to the answers for at least 7-8 hours. I was hoping that we could move along the vetting process now and I can just add the questions when I get home. But if not it's kewl dawg I'm all about that GM respect low key ya dog it? (I just about gave myself a heart attacks writing like that)
Fourth I changed it so the mom was hospitalized cause she a sick bitch instead of a dead bitch. I stay by this, I am a slight edge lord, and usually my CS are dark af but I realize it would be better not to have that in this rp lol)
Thank you, you have a very interesting energy yourself. You don't have to apologize, we review everyone's CS's, and this one had very few problems compared to some we've reviewed before. You're welcome to do a little digging if you're interested in how sticky we are on details as well. ^^
As for the questions/answers formatting, you can add them in whenever you have time, we'll continue our reviews overlooking it. As for the mother's death, it's quite alright to have it either way. The only objections we have to deceased family members is if it happened in a rather violent way, and only under some circumstances. For example, car or work accidents we'll allow as a cause of death, along with illness, complications in childbirth, natural disasters or simple, accidental bad luck. Things we will not accept are foul play, acts of terrorism, murder, usually execution, (we could be persuaded to allow a character with a criminal parent, but usually we'll say no), and especially being killed or maimed by the main character. If you're ever concerned over whether something in your character's past could go against our rules or fall into a gray area, PM or ask us, and we'll be happy to answer as best we can.
That also goes as a general statement. If you have any questions or concerns about your character in any area, or are looking for ideas in creation, myself and my co-GMs are always available to help or rule our tyrannical judgement upon thee.
We'll review your character again at the soonest available opportunity. :)
dabombjk OneWhoYouDoNotKnow
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@invader len
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm gonna go home and sit in my living and wait in a manner that has both exciting optimism and soul crushing pessimism.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I'm gonna go home and sit in my living and wait in a manner that has both exciting optimism and soul crushing pessimism.
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@dabombjk
Okay, so this second review got a lot of deeper interest as we reread it, and we noticed both issues that have newly arisen and some that we overlooked before. So bear with us as we go through them, they're all fixable with the right solutions.
Let's start off with the mom. So, before, she was dead. That was fine. Now she's alive and is just sick. That's fine too. What's not fine is how she up and disappears after a brief mention. I get the dad mysteriously vanishes, but the mom never reappears in the boys lives again after the complications with pregnancy, and Conrad just assumes the responsibilities of parenting Kieran like that. Can you see the problem here? You're operating the entire story as if the mom was dead. Which would be fine, if she was. The problem is, she's not anymore, she's alive, and retains legal parentage of the boys even if she's sick and in the hospital. Not to mention, complications regarding pregnancy and afterbirth don't last that long. If she's not dead from them, she'd be returning home in a few weeks to a few months. This makes not only Conrad assuming guardianship of Kieran silly and unnecessary, but the father's depression and disappearance as well. The mother being alive changes the entire story, you can't just have her alive and then write the story as if she was still dead. Their are pretty much two choices here: Change the story to accommodate a now living mother, or kill her off again. Either way is fine, but putting her in hospital limbo never to be heard from again is silly.
Speaking of silly, can I just point out that it's a little contradictory if he was born to "loving parents" and the father skips town on them without a word as soon as things get difficult for him? In this revision, the mom isn't even dead, just recovering from childbirth, so why is he leaving? Can you see why that's weird?
We also don't know how great the age gap is between Kieran and Conrad. I understand you tried to fix this by giving us Conrad's age when he assumes legal guardianship of Kieran, but without Kieran's age, it's meaningless. Is he an infant when this happens? Is he five? Ten? Does it happen a day before the story takes place? It could happen any time over the 15 year period, and can have different effects on Kieran at different times. So now you can see why it's rather important to have it as a defined point, rather than abstract.
Next up, some things about Conrad. He's working a job that doesn't pay well and spends a lot of time away. Which begs the question: Who watches Kieran when he's away? Who cooks for him? Who changes his diaper? Who makes sure he doesn't roll over in his sleep and suffocate? Cause that's what babies do. Who makes sure he doesn't get under the sink and drink drain cleaner? Cause that's what toddlers do. Who makes sure he doesn't get bored and climb a tree and fall and break his neck? Cause that's what little boys (and sometimes big boys) do. Parenting is more than just working a full time job and providing the material wants for a child, it's making sure they don't kill themselves or get killed, making sure they eat regularly and healthily, making sure they take care of themselves. Especially for the first 5-6 years of life, it's a full time job. So who's helping Conrad take care of a baby while he works? Neighbors? The missing mom? A 14 year old desperate for spending money and something to put on their resume? Please elaborate on this.
Also, here's something that needs redacting. "Kieran believed that in time he would be able to learn much about the different forms of magical writing such as the many types of symbols and signs," please delete the part about the symbols and signs. We have not revealed how magic itself works, and this is world building. Please do not world build, particularly about magic, as it is a system we have been working on very intricately.
Finally, some overlooked problems. In the quiz, you mention lying quite a lot. To the point of him being a compulsive liar, manipulator, and unscrupulous blackmailer. This is a big difference from what is said in the personality, where he "won't lie outright". He even takes a speech his brother makes about the value of friendship, forgiveness, and understanding, and turns it into "I must lie and hide my true nature from others to survive in this world." Thats a pretty big and pretty deep decision for an elementary schooler, whom I would think would resonate more deeply with the message of friendship and forgiveness. I would suggest toning down the lying in his history and quiz, or correct his personality to make him more devious, ruthless, and manipulative. In addition, the constant lying should come with flaws. Compulsive liars are more likely to have problems empathizing with people, and people who hide things, like their emotions or physical objects, are more likely to suffer from paranoia and be introverted. People who lie to protect themselves are more likely to be flighty and easily frightened, and manipulators and blackmailers are more likely to have problems forming genuine attachments and gaining satisfaction from their relationships with people and things. The psychological impact of lying runs very deep. It's one thing to be a silver tongued persuader, and another to hide the truth and manipulate others with malicious intent on a constant basis.
Those are all the issues we overlooked, and all the issues that have newly arisen in the CS. They can all be fixed with solutions suggested, but they have to be before we can give you the okay. Please make the corrections, and we'll review your CS again. :D
Let's start off with the mom. So, before, she was dead. That was fine. Now she's alive and is just sick. That's fine too. What's not fine is how she up and disappears after a brief mention. I get the dad mysteriously vanishes, but the mom never reappears in the boys lives again after the complications with pregnancy, and Conrad just assumes the responsibilities of parenting Kieran like that. Can you see the problem here? You're operating the entire story as if the mom was dead. Which would be fine, if she was. The problem is, she's not anymore, she's alive, and retains legal parentage of the boys even if she's sick and in the hospital. Not to mention, complications regarding pregnancy and afterbirth don't last that long. If she's not dead from them, she'd be returning home in a few weeks to a few months. This makes not only Conrad assuming guardianship of Kieran silly and unnecessary, but the father's depression and disappearance as well. The mother being alive changes the entire story, you can't just have her alive and then write the story as if she was still dead. Their are pretty much two choices here: Change the story to accommodate a now living mother, or kill her off again. Either way is fine, but putting her in hospital limbo never to be heard from again is silly.
Speaking of silly, can I just point out that it's a little contradictory if he was born to "loving parents" and the father skips town on them without a word as soon as things get difficult for him? In this revision, the mom isn't even dead, just recovering from childbirth, so why is he leaving? Can you see why that's weird?
We also don't know how great the age gap is between Kieran and Conrad. I understand you tried to fix this by giving us Conrad's age when he assumes legal guardianship of Kieran, but without Kieran's age, it's meaningless. Is he an infant when this happens? Is he five? Ten? Does it happen a day before the story takes place? It could happen any time over the 15 year period, and can have different effects on Kieran at different times. So now you can see why it's rather important to have it as a defined point, rather than abstract.
Next up, some things about Conrad. He's working a job that doesn't pay well and spends a lot of time away. Which begs the question: Who watches Kieran when he's away? Who cooks for him? Who changes his diaper? Who makes sure he doesn't roll over in his sleep and suffocate? Cause that's what babies do. Who makes sure he doesn't get under the sink and drink drain cleaner? Cause that's what toddlers do. Who makes sure he doesn't get bored and climb a tree and fall and break his neck? Cause that's what little boys (and sometimes big boys) do. Parenting is more than just working a full time job and providing the material wants for a child, it's making sure they don't kill themselves or get killed, making sure they eat regularly and healthily, making sure they take care of themselves. Especially for the first 5-6 years of life, it's a full time job. So who's helping Conrad take care of a baby while he works? Neighbors? The missing mom? A 14 year old desperate for spending money and something to put on their resume? Please elaborate on this.
Also, here's something that needs redacting. "Kieran believed that in time he would be able to learn much about the different forms of magical writing such as the many types of symbols and signs," please delete the part about the symbols and signs. We have not revealed how magic itself works, and this is world building. Please do not world build, particularly about magic, as it is a system we have been working on very intricately.
Finally, some overlooked problems. In the quiz, you mention lying quite a lot. To the point of him being a compulsive liar, manipulator, and unscrupulous blackmailer. This is a big difference from what is said in the personality, where he "won't lie outright". He even takes a speech his brother makes about the value of friendship, forgiveness, and understanding, and turns it into "I must lie and hide my true nature from others to survive in this world." Thats a pretty big and pretty deep decision for an elementary schooler, whom I would think would resonate more deeply with the message of friendship and forgiveness. I would suggest toning down the lying in his history and quiz, or correct his personality to make him more devious, ruthless, and manipulative. In addition, the constant lying should come with flaws. Compulsive liars are more likely to have problems empathizing with people, and people who hide things, like their emotions or physical objects, are more likely to suffer from paranoia and be introverted. People who lie to protect themselves are more likely to be flighty and easily frightened, and manipulators and blackmailers are more likely to have problems forming genuine attachments and gaining satisfaction from their relationships with people and things. The psychological impact of lying runs very deep. It's one thing to be a silver tongued persuader, and another to hide the truth and manipulate others with malicious intent on a constant basis.
Those are all the issues we overlooked, and all the issues that have newly arisen in the CS. They can all be fixed with solutions suggested, but they have to be before we can give you the okay. Please make the corrections, and we'll review your CS again. :D
dabombjk OneWhoYouDoNotKnow
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@invader len
Name: Kieran Damond
Image or Description:
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Mage or Familiar: Mage
Magic Type: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Ability: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Mage, omit this entirely)
Known Spells: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Partner: (Leave this blank until your partner is announced)
Personality: Kieran is normally quite the cheerful fellow. He is not one to dwell on past mistakes, and prefers to smile through any situation than to act out of pure emotion in anger. To say he would act out of anger is uncharacteristic would be an understatement, but that is not to say he is not emotional. Kieran has and will made decisions based on how he felt, but he has always tried to be fair and to do it with a smile.
Biography: For as long as he could remember Kieran knew he was a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar. Colbar is A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses. Kieran though never liked living there with his family. He had a mother, Mary Damond current age 39, a father, Verdock Damond age 41, and an older brother, Conrad age 19. They were an average family, with his father working most of the day and his mother a stay at home mother. His older brother had recently finished school, but had no desire to continue his education. He wanted to move out as soon as he had more money saved, so he decided to find a job as soon as he finished High school. Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains.
He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone, and Kieran hated it. That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived. When he was 13, Kieran started to think of any way he could to get out of Colbar as soon as possible. He knew he needed the basic essentials, and he knew that what he wanted was going to be a challenge. He was rather young. When he started looking into St. Fortunas he realized that this would be perfect. He had a small magical talent that he had practiced with, and started learning what he could on his own. While his family did love him, they did not love his magic abilities. His mother had been a mage a long time ago, and both his parents believed that magic was a very dangerous thing to use. At first they did not approve of what Kieran did in his spare time with magic, practicing and researching what little he could on his own, but when he was able to pull off qualifying for a scholarship when he was 15 they felt like they had no choice but to let him go.
Kieran would always appreciate his roots and his family, even if he disliked Colbar and knew his family did not completely approve of his decision. He was not sold entirely on what he wanted to accomplish in the end, he had only known about the world involving the sea and even in his research he had not settled on a single career, so as far as anyone knew he wanted to eventually become a magic teacher. Maybe one day he could even teach at St. Fortunas.
Likes: Spicy food, reading fantasy books, playing video games, Learning, jokes.
Dislikes: Bullying, talking about his parents, sweets, Fish.
Points: 10
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
Password:
Image or Description:
Age: 16
Gender: Male
Orientation: Straight
Mage or Familiar: Mage
Magic Type: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Ability: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Mage, omit this entirely)
Known Spells: (Leave this blank until you are accepted. If you're a Familiar, omit this entirely)
Partner: (Leave this blank until your partner is announced)
Personality: Kieran is normally quite the cheerful fellow. He is not one to dwell on past mistakes, and prefers to smile through any situation than to act out of pure emotion in anger. To say he would act out of anger is uncharacteristic would be an understatement, but that is not to say he is not emotional. Kieran has and will made decisions based on how he felt, but he has always tried to be fair and to do it with a smile.
Biography: For as long as he could remember Kieran knew he was a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar. Colbar is A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses. Kieran though never liked living there with his family. He had a mother, Mary Damond current age 39, a father, Verdock Damond age 41, and an older brother, Conrad age 19. They were an average family, with his father working most of the day and his mother a stay at home mother. His older brother had recently finished school, but had no desire to continue his education. He wanted to move out as soon as he had more money saved, so he decided to find a job as soon as he finished High school. Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains.
He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone, and Kieran hated it. That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived. When he was 13, Kieran started to think of any way he could to get out of Colbar as soon as possible. He knew he needed the basic essentials, and he knew that what he wanted was going to be a challenge. He was rather young. When he started looking into St. Fortunas he realized that this would be perfect. He had a small magical talent that he had practiced with, and started learning what he could on his own. While his family did love him, they did not love his magic abilities. His mother had been a mage a long time ago, and both his parents believed that magic was a very dangerous thing to use. At first they did not approve of what Kieran did in his spare time with magic, practicing and researching what little he could on his own, but when he was able to pull off qualifying for a scholarship when he was 15 they felt like they had no choice but to let him go.
Kieran would always appreciate his roots and his family, even if he disliked Colbar and knew his family did not completely approve of his decision. He was not sold entirely on what he wanted to accomplish in the end, he had only known about the world involving the sea and even in his research he had not settled on a single career, so as far as anyone knew he wanted to eventually become a magic teacher. Maybe one day he could even teach at St. Fortunas.
Likes: Spicy food, reading fantasy books, playing video games, Learning, jokes.
Dislikes: Bullying, talking about his parents, sweets, Fish.
Points: 10
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
1. What is your character's dream career?
Becoming a Teacher at the Academy.
2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason.
3. Your character finds out someone close to them has been lying to them. How do they react?
Kieran would simply ignore it for a time, unless something happened because of it or it affected him in a serious way.
4. If your character were given $50, what would they do with it?
Spend it on spicy food.
5. Someone close to your character gives them something very important and asks them to hold on to it until they come back. However, your character somehow loses it. What do they do?
Retrace his steps in a calm manner, and if that did not work he would become obsessed with finding it. He would blow off other things until he found it.
6. Your character is given the chance to perfect any one talent. What do they choose?
He would perfect his writing skill. Kieran would want to be able to craft a master piece with his words on paper, able to sway any heart and mind to whatever he was writing about.
7. What is your character’s favourite book or movie genre? Why?
Science Fiction, because Kieran always dreamed of fantasies in his small home town.
8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
He looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made.
Becoming a Teacher at the Academy.
2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason.
3. Your character finds out someone close to them has been lying to them. How do they react?
Kieran would simply ignore it for a time, unless something happened because of it or it affected him in a serious way.
4. If your character were given $50, what would they do with it?
Spend it on spicy food.
5. Someone close to your character gives them something very important and asks them to hold on to it until they come back. However, your character somehow loses it. What do they do?
Retrace his steps in a calm manner, and if that did not work he would become obsessed with finding it. He would blow off other things until he found it.
6. Your character is given the chance to perfect any one talent. What do they choose?
He would perfect his writing skill. Kieran would want to be able to craft a master piece with his words on paper, able to sway any heart and mind to whatever he was writing about.
7. What is your character’s favourite book or movie genre? Why?
Science Fiction, because Kieran always dreamed of fantasies in his small home town.
8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
He looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made.
Password:
Spicy Chicken
dabombjk OneWhoYouDoNotKnow
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@invader len
Hi OK so do not freak out for having such a different CS but I think I realized my problem. I do not usually make mistakes like this and it was because I was trying to be edgy and also not edgy at the same time. I took real life experiences this time form my own life, and I stopped trying to give Kieran a wicked edge.
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
@dabombjk
Oh boy, where to begin here. I had high hopes for this version, and sad to say, it fails those hopes by a long shot. There are more issues in this CS than in the first two combined. My co-GMs and our GM-in-training Natsu will all be writing our own separate reviews for this CS, focusing on the issues we each think are the most atrocious. I'll be starting us off.
Going chronologically, my first problem is his personality. He has 0 personality flaws. The personality itself is meager and bland, but the lack of flaws is what really grinds my gears. Do you mean to say that there is nothing bad about Kieran? That he has no traits, habits, thoughts or mannerisms that others would consider undesirable or obstructive? He has no problems with anything? His personality has gone from being concrete, to shifty, to bland and blotchy. It needs serious construction. Every character should always have at least 1 major flaw, that is, a flaw that seriously inhibits them, and 3 minor flaws. More flaws are usually better, but this is the bare minimum.
Next up is an issue that I find very serious and egregiously offensive. You plagiarized my own writing. This segment, to be exact.
"A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses."
Who do you think wrote that? Do you think I wouldn't recognize my own writing? What possessed you to copy and paste my own words into a CS you knew I'd review, to a role play I'm GMing? Were you hoping I'd be flattered by your lifting of my paragraph and sticking it in your CS with no indication that you didn't write it? It sticks out like a sore thumb, you didn't even bother to make the capitalized "A" fit with the rest of the sentence structure.
Not only that, but the entirety of the plagiarized segment does nothing for the history or your character. This is the most useless example of plagiarism I've seen in my entire life. It's wholly unnecessary because it accomplishes nothing. It interrupts the flow of writing and is meaningless to the characters history. What do lighthouses have to do with your character? What does the geography have to do with your character? Delete the stolen segment, both because you took it from me, and because it's stupid where it is. These descriptions are meant to be insight into the character's background, not THE character's background.
Continuing on, there are more problems with the family. The father's job is never given. What does he do? Is he a fisherman? A farmer? A banker? A lawyer? A beggar? The mayor? What is his job? The job and its possible pay grade determines the socio-economic status of the family, since he is declared to be the sole breadwinner of the family. Without knowing the job, how are we to know what kind of household your character grew up in?
Also, more world building. I understand from reading the first sentence of the description for Colbar that you could mistake it for being a collection of tiny hovels overlooking the sea. The descriptions were outdated and long overdue for grammatical revisions. However, that does not excuse that Colbar is not a tiny city. That's a word I use in the description, a city. It is not a place where everyone knows everyone, nor is it isolated. It's a trading city, for heavens sake! It's filled with sailors from around the world with tales of adventure and exotic lands! I realize that I need to correct my writing there, but that does not give you a right to world build it into a tiny, unimportant little place. The background is there as a background. You are supposed to be building a character, not a city.
Now we're getting into deeper problems, problems that directly conflict with our lore. I have to ask. Did you read everything we wrote about magic carefully? Did you miss the parts where we said that that it is normal in this world, that 50% of the population has it, that it cannot be considered "special" in the way we would consider is special? It would not be considered a talent to do little tricks with ones own magic. Legitimate card and hat tricks would be more impressive in this world. Getting accepted into St. Fortuna's for a minor magic talent would be like getting accepted into Harvard for being ambidextrous. It's not that special.
Next up, the mother. I think I liked her better when she was dead, because now she's making problems with our lore. First off, mage is not an occupation. It's not a job or hobby that you can quit. Mage and Familiar are the names of two categories of souls that a person is born possessing. You either have a Mage soul, which can channel mana into magic, or you have a Familiar soul, which holds mana in its raw form and derives its own unique energy from the life of its user. These soul types form spiritual and social roles that the person they are born into fills. A person is a Mage in the same way that someone else is black. It is a part of their identity, something they cannot change, that they are born into. You can't stop being a mage or familiar just like you can't stop being a certain race or ethnicity or blood type. So his mother having been "a mage a long time ago" makes no sense. She would never lose her ability to use magic, she would never lose her soul, and she would never be anything but a mage. A mage is not an occupation. You can be born a mage, and be a farmer, a fisherman, a writer, a bounty hunter, an academic, a housewife, or anything imaginable. There are professions that utilize magic more than others, and some that don't use any at all.
In addition, because magic is so innate and normal in this world, the parents hatred of it is absurd. Unbonded magic is the weakest magic that exists, the magic of a mage without a familiar. Mages have very low reservoirs of mana, so the spells they cast are incredibly weak. Fire mages can still cast flames that burn, but they're weak, unsustainable, and low temperature. Light mages can only manage a dim glow. Mages only unlock the true powerful potential of their spells when drawing from the mana pools of their bonded Familiar, and it's a two person job. In addition, magic is NORMAL in this world. Being afraid of it is like having a fear of air or grass! It's irrational and unreasonable.
Moreover, untrained magic is far more dangerous than trained magic. Mages of all magic types learn in any high school the basics of controlling their magic, it would be a part of his curriculum no matter where he goes. And there are good reasons for that. Imagine being a fire mage who never learned how to control summoning flames. You might not be able to summon flames at all, or you might summon them accidentally. They'd be small and weak, but they could still burn you, and they could appear randomly. You wouldn't be able to extinguish them through magic. Now imagine being that same fire mage, and filling up your car at a gas station. Does that sound hazardous? What about sleeping in your very flammable bed? Or walking through dry grass? Or being around a very flatulent friend? Those are all now serious hazards, because you never learned to control your magic. Untrained magic and untrained abilities are very dangerous, and that is why every high school will teach you the basics of controlling them, even if you never use magic again in your entire life.
With that in mind that EVERY high school will have to teach him about magic, why wouldn't his parents want him to go to St. Fortuna's? Yes, it has a more magic-oriented curriculum, but it's also the best school in the country, not only for magic. We have people attending for the excellent cooking and music courses, we have people attending to learn botany or monster physiology. There are people attending with dreams of being politicians, doctors, academics, scientists. There are people attending simply for the benefits of having "went to St. Fortuna's" on their resumé. There are people who don't even want to be here or care about being here, but are just here because their parents want the prestige of having their children mingle with their fellow elite. There are people from other countries sending their children there! Given that it is the best educational opportunity available in all of Prydain, why wouldn't his parents want him to go?
Now into his likes and dislikes. There's one that stands out to me. Why does he dislike talking about his parents? This is still copied over from the original "dead parents" plot. His parents are alive and well now, and Kieran never hints in his history that he bears them any animosity. So why the sudden angst?
Now onto the quiz. I'm going to tell you right off the bat that your answers to questions 2 and 3 are absolutely useless, they might as well be blank. For number 2, the question was about your character getting caught in a lie. This was for us to judge their responses to getting caught doing something "bad". Here is your response.
"Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason."
What constitutes a "good reason" to Kieran? The definition changes from person to person. I might think that not making someone sad constitutes a good reason, while a friend might think that lying should be reserved only for life or death situations. Without knowing what constitutes a good reason to Kieran, we have no clue what he will or won't lie about.
Question 3 was about determining your character's response to a sudden betrayal in the form of a lie. This was for us to judge how your character reacts to something like betrayal or perceived betrayal from a close friend. Here's what you wrote.
"Kieran would simply ignore it for a time, unless something happened because of it or it affected him in a serious way."
Quoth the white boy, "lol then what ;)". What happens if it does affect him in a serious way, or if something did happen because of it? There's no reaction here, this question might as well have been left blank. We use these quizzes to determine your magic type or ability if you are accepted, how can you expect us to do our job with that when 1/4th of the information we need is useless to us?
Lastly, more problems with Conrad. Here's what you wrote.
"looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made."
That's all nice and good, but what did Conrad do? There's no context here. Conrad's parents never give any indication they disapprove of anything that Conrad is doing. Conrad seems to have gone from being a major part of the character's life to barely appearing here and there. Really, at least give us some context for it.
That is everything I have, but believe me, this review is far from over. My co-GM's and GM-in-training's comments have been tacked on below, and I'm certain they have a lot to say. In my opinion, this CS is worse than the first two you submitted. It's wrought with errors, world building, plagiarism, and nonsense. In addition, the lack of personality flaws and the fact that you have apparently based this CS on yourself makes me suspect a self-insert. This character needs to be heavily rewritten, with the worldbuilding and plagiarism removed, the erroneous details corrected, and a LOT of explaining and character building in the history and personality. As it stands, this is not a character I would allow in this RP. Please make the appropriate changes, and we'll review your submission again.
Error's Review
Hey there, Error here!
So, let's start at the top. Everything looks good, up until we get to Kierans personality, the whole four sentences of it! I can garner just a few things about Kieran in what little you've put in this section, and to be honest it all confuses me. There is just so little information here! You say he's cheerful, but he never acts out of anger, but then you say he makes decisions based on how he feels? Give me some more context here. So far I know basically nothing about Kieran. A persons personality is a very intricate, complicated thing, formed through experiences around the person. Right now, his personality doesn't pass a human. He has no flaws, which are necessary and natural, and honestly he's as bland as a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal right now. Who is Kieran? How does his mind work? What makes him so different? Right now I don't have the answer to any of those questions. Please go back and write me a real personality, not a list of vague traits that clash with each other.
Next off, his biography. I'm not even going to go into the fact that you literally just took Colbars description from our OOC and plopped it into your story, just get rid of it. It adds absolutely nothing to the backstory, and it interrupts the flow of the writing. What I really want to talk about here is this:
"Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains."
The first problem I have with this is the fact that your first sentence of Kieran bio was establishing that he was "a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar." From what I can see so far, other than for some reason hating living in Colbar, Kieran doesn't seem different to me at all. So how is he so different from the other kids, and how does it affect him? You say that he's decently popular and seems like a good kid, so then why, just why is he "....different"? What makes this kid special compared to all the other little gremlins living in Colbar?
Let's talk about the whole flipping of his brain before we get onto the bigger issue. You say: "He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone, and Kieran hated it. That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived."
...Ok? I honestly do not see how anything in his brain flipped, since you already mentioned earlier the fact that he hates living in Colbar. What changed about him, and his relationship to the other townspeople? Did he stop doing what he was told? Did he stop being popular? Stop going to school and getting good grades? I don't really understand how anything really "flipped" in his brain. How did realizing he hated Colbar change things about him?
And now onto the thing that confuses me the most. You state that everything changed when he went into high school. Ok, so he must be a freshman then, and he would be a transfer student into St. Fortuna's for the second year. This is a little odd seeing as you never mention how or why he would transfer from whatever high school in Colbar he was going to into St. Fortuna's. But then, in the next paragraph you go on to talk about him wanting to find a way out of Colbar at 13. There are only two ways I can understand this. Either we just went back in time from talking about him in high school to talking about him at 13, or Kieran is already attending high school at the age of 13, which brings up some real problems. But then at the end of this paragraph you say he gets a scholarship at the age of 15, adding to this trainwreck even more. Please, for the love of all that is sacred, explain this to me. Is he already in high school like you said? Or is he just now getting into St. Fortuna's at 15, like you also said? HOW OLD IS THIS BOY? Is he a transfer student? Does he have magic aging powers or some kind of horrible disease that rapidly ages and deages you? Please clarify this, because right now Kieran is bending the laws of space and time.
Second part of this issue, why is he even here? St. Fortuna's is the best school in Prydain. It is a high competition, high stakes school. People from all over Prydain and even from other countries are applying there. What makes this kid special, enough to not only get in, but get a scholarship? There are so many people who compete for a scholarship at St. Fortuna's, and from how I see it the only reason Kieran got in is because he has a small magical talent? Sorry to break it to you, 50% of the population does too, and if they aren't then they're familiars with bomb ass abilities. So then why is Kieran able to pull of this scholarship? Does he have extraordinary grades, some talent he's exceptional at? There are other, less expensive and competitive schools to attend away from Colbar, so why St. Fortuna's? He doesn't seem to have much ambition other than maybe becoming a "magic teacher" at St. Fortuna's.
All in all you need to expand on personality, give him depth and flaws, and please, please address the age issue. Either have him be a transfer student at a reasonable age, or fix the high school part so that he is not already attending a high school and make it so he just goes straight to St. Fortuna's.
Error out.
Natsu's Review
Ahem.
Hello friend!
Let’s start at the very beginning, A very good place to start. Well, you have a name. And a picture. And an age, and oh! Even a gender and sexual orientation! It’s almost like he’s a real person! Let’s continue through this, hmm?
“Personality: Kieran is normally quite the cheerful fellow. He is not one to dwell on past mistakes, and prefers to smile through any situation than to act out of pure emotion in anger. To say he would act out of anger is uncharacteristic would be an understatement, but that is not to say he is not emotional. Kieran has and will made decisions based on how he felt, but he has always tried to be fair and to do it with a smile.”
Oh dear. It would appear that you’ve mistaken a personality with having a single personality trait. This is concerning for a number of reasons. Firstly, and though you may not be aware of this, that is not how humans work. You see, humans are an interesting species that typically experience a range of emotions on a day to day basis, and often act in ways that are not rational because of that. That means that, while they may have a base emotion, such as cheerfulness, that is only ever on the surface, and not at all encompasses their entire personality. Secondly, while character’s can have these kind singular traits, they need to be expounded upon, explained, and given the depth that a real human deserves.
Now, I would give more review on the personality, but as I can’t quite infer your thoughts from the wealth of depth and care you’re dumped into little Kieran here, I think we should move onto his Biography, don’t you? Maybe you’re the type of writer who likes to build depth from character interaction whether than detailed explanations.
“For as long as he could remember Kieran knew he was a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar. Colbar is A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses.”
Wow! That’s actually really well writ-
oh.
I see.
Now, good sir, I would normally not dare to question the moral standing of such an individual such as yourself, but I believe the evidence here is overwhelming. I do say, that this, my friend, is plagiarism at its finest. You appear to have literally copy and pasted from the opening post. Now, normally I would tear you a new one over this, but this is not my battle to fight. I’ll leave that to Len. No, all I will say to this is that it speaks to exactly the type of person you truly are.
Let’s get back to that later, shall we?.
Meanwhile, we’re going to continue on with your amazing backstory! Woohoo!
“Kieran though never liked living there with his family. He had a mother.”
Oh! I have a mother too!
“a father “
Just like a real boy!
“They were an average family, with his father working most of the day and his mother a stay at home mother. His older brother had recently finished school, but had no desire to continue his education. He wanted to move out as soon as he had more money saved, so he decided to find a job as soon as he finished High school.”
Well, there’s no faster way of moving out than not going to college and starting work in your home town! Such a wise young man.
“Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains.”
Wait what? I thought he was, “a cheerful fellow”? He’s happy, and hate’s where he’s living at the same time? Now sir, as somebody who grew up in a very small town, and hated it, I can tell you with utmost certainty, unless you have some form of escape, such as the internet, your default emotion will not be cheer. In fact, you may find that the soul crushing apathy you feel every day leads you to this interesting condition some call depression, which, despite its inspiring name, does not cause you to be happy all the time.
“He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone”
Ah. World building. Let me say this. World building is for GM’s, and GM’s alone unless they grant player’s permission. This is a cardinal sin that players can commit, because it interferes with the with the creator’s vision of the world. You neither have the right, nor apparently the ability, to attempt to expound upon the details of the world without the GM’s guidance and permission.
“That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived ”
Of course! Because small town people love it when you talk about how much you hate where you are! “Oh you know, I just hate it here. What? Why am I bringing this up? Oh you know. Just in case you were curious.”
That’s not how people work, at least not balanced, well adjusted people.
“When he started looking into St. Fortunas he realized that this would be perfect. He had a small magical talent that he had practiced with, and started learning what he could on his own. While his family did love him, they did not love his magic abilities. His mother had been a mage a long time ago, and both his parents believed that magic was a very dangerous thing to use. ”
I’m sorry what? Ok, lot’s of thing’s going on here, let’s start with the worst.
MAGIC IS A PART OF THIS WORLD. IT IS NOT FEARED BY ANYBODY WHO ISN’T INSANE. THAT’S LIKE SAYING, “Water man. You know? Like, it really shouldn’t be drunk.”
It make’s NO GODDAMNED SENSE IN THIS WORLD.
Furthermore, you can’t “stop” being a mage. Everybody’s born either as a mage, or a familiar, and there’s no middle ground. It is entwined into your soul.
Even more so, MAGE’S NEED FAMILIAR’S TO PRACTICE MAGIC. Or at least, they need them to do real magic. The type of magic you’d be doing as an unbonded, untrained mage is very, very, very dangerous and difficult.
“At first they did not approve of what Kieran did in his spare time with magic, practicing and researching what little he could on his own, but when he was able to pull off qualifying for a scholarship when he was 15 they felt like they had no choice but to let him go.”
NO. THAT’S NOT HOW PARENTING WORKS. You don’t say, “Oh, I think x is really, REALLY dangerous, but you’re 15 so I guess I have to let you go practice and learn it.”
NO. NO PARENT WOULD EVER. EVER. LET THEM DO THAT.
“Kieran would always appreciate his roots and his family, even if he disliked Colbar and knew his family did not completely approve of his decision.”
Bullshit. You can’t hate your town to that degree, and be 15, and have what amounts to a toxic home life and still “appreciate your roots”.
“He was not sold entirely on what he wanted to accomplish in the end, he had only known about the world involving the sea and even in his research he had not settled on a single career, so as far as anyone knew he wanted to eventually become a magic teacher. Maybe one day he could even teach at St. Fortunas.”
I fucking doubt it.
Now, to the quiz! This is a chance for you to maybe, just maybe redeem Kieran and give him some much needed personality and humanity..
“1. What is your character's dream career?
Becoming a Teacher at the Academy. ”
Ok man. I’m gonna level with you here. You cannot just give a character unjustified goals. Goals not only make a character who they are, but they have those goal’s for good reason’s. This urge to teach is not founded anywhere in what you’ve written. This is not reasonable.
“2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason.”
This clashes with everything we know about Kieran. It very isn’t human. Very few people, when caught lying, will continue to insist that what they say is correct and true.
“8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
He looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made”
He looks up to his brother, who has literally no character development though tout your entire sheet. Great. Fucking great.
Now, you may remember a few paragraph’s up, I said that your plagiarism is telling of who you really are. Allow me to return to that now, just a put a nice little bow on this. It is clear to me that you are not somebody who likes at all to put effort into things. You shamelessly copied text, you put no effort into the personality of your character, and you didn’t even try to make him consistent. If it were totally up to me, you would not be getting another chance, but as it is not, perhaps you can prove me wrong, if you even care enough to do so.
Going chronologically, my first problem is his personality. He has 0 personality flaws. The personality itself is meager and bland, but the lack of flaws is what really grinds my gears. Do you mean to say that there is nothing bad about Kieran? That he has no traits, habits, thoughts or mannerisms that others would consider undesirable or obstructive? He has no problems with anything? His personality has gone from being concrete, to shifty, to bland and blotchy. It needs serious construction. Every character should always have at least 1 major flaw, that is, a flaw that seriously inhibits them, and 3 minor flaws. More flaws are usually better, but this is the bare minimum.
Next up is an issue that I find very serious and egregiously offensive. You plagiarized my own writing. This segment, to be exact.
"A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses."
Who do you think wrote that? Do you think I wouldn't recognize my own writing? What possessed you to copy and paste my own words into a CS you knew I'd review, to a role play I'm GMing? Were you hoping I'd be flattered by your lifting of my paragraph and sticking it in your CS with no indication that you didn't write it? It sticks out like a sore thumb, you didn't even bother to make the capitalized "A" fit with the rest of the sentence structure.
Not only that, but the entirety of the plagiarized segment does nothing for the history or your character. This is the most useless example of plagiarism I've seen in my entire life. It's wholly unnecessary because it accomplishes nothing. It interrupts the flow of writing and is meaningless to the characters history. What do lighthouses have to do with your character? What does the geography have to do with your character? Delete the stolen segment, both because you took it from me, and because it's stupid where it is. These descriptions are meant to be insight into the character's background, not THE character's background.
Continuing on, there are more problems with the family. The father's job is never given. What does he do? Is he a fisherman? A farmer? A banker? A lawyer? A beggar? The mayor? What is his job? The job and its possible pay grade determines the socio-economic status of the family, since he is declared to be the sole breadwinner of the family. Without knowing the job, how are we to know what kind of household your character grew up in?
Also, more world building. I understand from reading the first sentence of the description for Colbar that you could mistake it for being a collection of tiny hovels overlooking the sea. The descriptions were outdated and long overdue for grammatical revisions. However, that does not excuse that Colbar is not a tiny city. That's a word I use in the description, a city. It is not a place where everyone knows everyone, nor is it isolated. It's a trading city, for heavens sake! It's filled with sailors from around the world with tales of adventure and exotic lands! I realize that I need to correct my writing there, but that does not give you a right to world build it into a tiny, unimportant little place. The background is there as a background. You are supposed to be building a character, not a city.
Now we're getting into deeper problems, problems that directly conflict with our lore. I have to ask. Did you read everything we wrote about magic carefully? Did you miss the parts where we said that that it is normal in this world, that 50% of the population has it, that it cannot be considered "special" in the way we would consider is special? It would not be considered a talent to do little tricks with ones own magic. Legitimate card and hat tricks would be more impressive in this world. Getting accepted into St. Fortuna's for a minor magic talent would be like getting accepted into Harvard for being ambidextrous. It's not that special.
Next up, the mother. I think I liked her better when she was dead, because now she's making problems with our lore. First off, mage is not an occupation. It's not a job or hobby that you can quit. Mage and Familiar are the names of two categories of souls that a person is born possessing. You either have a Mage soul, which can channel mana into magic, or you have a Familiar soul, which holds mana in its raw form and derives its own unique energy from the life of its user. These soul types form spiritual and social roles that the person they are born into fills. A person is a Mage in the same way that someone else is black. It is a part of their identity, something they cannot change, that they are born into. You can't stop being a mage or familiar just like you can't stop being a certain race or ethnicity or blood type. So his mother having been "a mage a long time ago" makes no sense. She would never lose her ability to use magic, she would never lose her soul, and she would never be anything but a mage. A mage is not an occupation. You can be born a mage, and be a farmer, a fisherman, a writer, a bounty hunter, an academic, a housewife, or anything imaginable. There are professions that utilize magic more than others, and some that don't use any at all.
In addition, because magic is so innate and normal in this world, the parents hatred of it is absurd. Unbonded magic is the weakest magic that exists, the magic of a mage without a familiar. Mages have very low reservoirs of mana, so the spells they cast are incredibly weak. Fire mages can still cast flames that burn, but they're weak, unsustainable, and low temperature. Light mages can only manage a dim glow. Mages only unlock the true powerful potential of their spells when drawing from the mana pools of their bonded Familiar, and it's a two person job. In addition, magic is NORMAL in this world. Being afraid of it is like having a fear of air or grass! It's irrational and unreasonable.
Moreover, untrained magic is far more dangerous than trained magic. Mages of all magic types learn in any high school the basics of controlling their magic, it would be a part of his curriculum no matter where he goes. And there are good reasons for that. Imagine being a fire mage who never learned how to control summoning flames. You might not be able to summon flames at all, or you might summon them accidentally. They'd be small and weak, but they could still burn you, and they could appear randomly. You wouldn't be able to extinguish them through magic. Now imagine being that same fire mage, and filling up your car at a gas station. Does that sound hazardous? What about sleeping in your very flammable bed? Or walking through dry grass? Or being around a very flatulent friend? Those are all now serious hazards, because you never learned to control your magic. Untrained magic and untrained abilities are very dangerous, and that is why every high school will teach you the basics of controlling them, even if you never use magic again in your entire life.
With that in mind that EVERY high school will have to teach him about magic, why wouldn't his parents want him to go to St. Fortuna's? Yes, it has a more magic-oriented curriculum, but it's also the best school in the country, not only for magic. We have people attending for the excellent cooking and music courses, we have people attending to learn botany or monster physiology. There are people attending with dreams of being politicians, doctors, academics, scientists. There are people attending simply for the benefits of having "went to St. Fortuna's" on their resumé. There are people who don't even want to be here or care about being here, but are just here because their parents want the prestige of having their children mingle with their fellow elite. There are people from other countries sending their children there! Given that it is the best educational opportunity available in all of Prydain, why wouldn't his parents want him to go?
Now into his likes and dislikes. There's one that stands out to me. Why does he dislike talking about his parents? This is still copied over from the original "dead parents" plot. His parents are alive and well now, and Kieran never hints in his history that he bears them any animosity. So why the sudden angst?
Now onto the quiz. I'm going to tell you right off the bat that your answers to questions 2 and 3 are absolutely useless, they might as well be blank. For number 2, the question was about your character getting caught in a lie. This was for us to judge their responses to getting caught doing something "bad". Here is your response.
"Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason."
What constitutes a "good reason" to Kieran? The definition changes from person to person. I might think that not making someone sad constitutes a good reason, while a friend might think that lying should be reserved only for life or death situations. Without knowing what constitutes a good reason to Kieran, we have no clue what he will or won't lie about.
Question 3 was about determining your character's response to a sudden betrayal in the form of a lie. This was for us to judge how your character reacts to something like betrayal or perceived betrayal from a close friend. Here's what you wrote.
"Kieran would simply ignore it for a time, unless something happened because of it or it affected him in a serious way."
Quoth the white boy, "lol then what ;)". What happens if it does affect him in a serious way, or if something did happen because of it? There's no reaction here, this question might as well have been left blank. We use these quizzes to determine your magic type or ability if you are accepted, how can you expect us to do our job with that when 1/4th of the information we need is useless to us?
Lastly, more problems with Conrad. Here's what you wrote.
"looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made."
That's all nice and good, but what did Conrad do? There's no context here. Conrad's parents never give any indication they disapprove of anything that Conrad is doing. Conrad seems to have gone from being a major part of the character's life to barely appearing here and there. Really, at least give us some context for it.
That is everything I have, but believe me, this review is far from over. My co-GM's and GM-in-training's comments have been tacked on below, and I'm certain they have a lot to say. In my opinion, this CS is worse than the first two you submitted. It's wrought with errors, world building, plagiarism, and nonsense. In addition, the lack of personality flaws and the fact that you have apparently based this CS on yourself makes me suspect a self-insert. This character needs to be heavily rewritten, with the worldbuilding and plagiarism removed, the erroneous details corrected, and a LOT of explaining and character building in the history and personality. As it stands, this is not a character I would allow in this RP. Please make the appropriate changes, and we'll review your submission again.
Error's Review
Hey there, Error here!
So, let's start at the top. Everything looks good, up until we get to Kierans personality, the whole four sentences of it! I can garner just a few things about Kieran in what little you've put in this section, and to be honest it all confuses me. There is just so little information here! You say he's cheerful, but he never acts out of anger, but then you say he makes decisions based on how he feels? Give me some more context here. So far I know basically nothing about Kieran. A persons personality is a very intricate, complicated thing, formed through experiences around the person. Right now, his personality doesn't pass a human. He has no flaws, which are necessary and natural, and honestly he's as bland as a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal right now. Who is Kieran? How does his mind work? What makes him so different? Right now I don't have the answer to any of those questions. Please go back and write me a real personality, not a list of vague traits that clash with each other.
Next off, his biography. I'm not even going to go into the fact that you literally just took Colbars description from our OOC and plopped it into your story, just get rid of it. It adds absolutely nothing to the backstory, and it interrupts the flow of the writing. What I really want to talk about here is this:
"Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains."
The first problem I have with this is the fact that your first sentence of Kieran bio was establishing that he was "a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar." From what I can see so far, other than for some reason hating living in Colbar, Kieran doesn't seem different to me at all. So how is he so different from the other kids, and how does it affect him? You say that he's decently popular and seems like a good kid, so then why, just why is he "....different"? What makes this kid special compared to all the other little gremlins living in Colbar?
Let's talk about the whole flipping of his brain before we get onto the bigger issue. You say: "He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone, and Kieran hated it. That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived."
...Ok? I honestly do not see how anything in his brain flipped, since you already mentioned earlier the fact that he hates living in Colbar. What changed about him, and his relationship to the other townspeople? Did he stop doing what he was told? Did he stop being popular? Stop going to school and getting good grades? I don't really understand how anything really "flipped" in his brain. How did realizing he hated Colbar change things about him?
And now onto the thing that confuses me the most. You state that everything changed when he went into high school. Ok, so he must be a freshman then, and he would be a transfer student into St. Fortuna's for the second year. This is a little odd seeing as you never mention how or why he would transfer from whatever high school in Colbar he was going to into St. Fortuna's. But then, in the next paragraph you go on to talk about him wanting to find a way out of Colbar at 13. There are only two ways I can understand this. Either we just went back in time from talking about him in high school to talking about him at 13, or Kieran is already attending high school at the age of 13, which brings up some real problems. But then at the end of this paragraph you say he gets a scholarship at the age of 15, adding to this trainwreck even more. Please, for the love of all that is sacred, explain this to me. Is he already in high school like you said? Or is he just now getting into St. Fortuna's at 15, like you also said? HOW OLD IS THIS BOY? Is he a transfer student? Does he have magic aging powers or some kind of horrible disease that rapidly ages and deages you? Please clarify this, because right now Kieran is bending the laws of space and time.
Second part of this issue, why is he even here? St. Fortuna's is the best school in Prydain. It is a high competition, high stakes school. People from all over Prydain and even from other countries are applying there. What makes this kid special, enough to not only get in, but get a scholarship? There are so many people who compete for a scholarship at St. Fortuna's, and from how I see it the only reason Kieran got in is because he has a small magical talent? Sorry to break it to you, 50% of the population does too, and if they aren't then they're familiars with bomb ass abilities. So then why is Kieran able to pull of this scholarship? Does he have extraordinary grades, some talent he's exceptional at? There are other, less expensive and competitive schools to attend away from Colbar, so why St. Fortuna's? He doesn't seem to have much ambition other than maybe becoming a "magic teacher" at St. Fortuna's.
All in all you need to expand on personality, give him depth and flaws, and please, please address the age issue. Either have him be a transfer student at a reasonable age, or fix the high school part so that he is not already attending a high school and make it so he just goes straight to St. Fortuna's.
Error out.
Natsu's Review
Ahem.
Hello friend!
Let’s start at the very beginning, A very good place to start. Well, you have a name. And a picture. And an age, and oh! Even a gender and sexual orientation! It’s almost like he’s a real person! Let’s continue through this, hmm?
“Personality: Kieran is normally quite the cheerful fellow. He is not one to dwell on past mistakes, and prefers to smile through any situation than to act out of pure emotion in anger. To say he would act out of anger is uncharacteristic would be an understatement, but that is not to say he is not emotional. Kieran has and will made decisions based on how he felt, but he has always tried to be fair and to do it with a smile.”
Oh dear. It would appear that you’ve mistaken a personality with having a single personality trait. This is concerning for a number of reasons. Firstly, and though you may not be aware of this, that is not how humans work. You see, humans are an interesting species that typically experience a range of emotions on a day to day basis, and often act in ways that are not rational because of that. That means that, while they may have a base emotion, such as cheerfulness, that is only ever on the surface, and not at all encompasses their entire personality. Secondly, while character’s can have these kind singular traits, they need to be expounded upon, explained, and given the depth that a real human deserves.
Now, I would give more review on the personality, but as I can’t quite infer your thoughts from the wealth of depth and care you’re dumped into little Kieran here, I think we should move onto his Biography, don’t you? Maybe you’re the type of writer who likes to build depth from character interaction whether than detailed explanations.
“For as long as he could remember Kieran knew he was a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar. Colbar is A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses.”
Wow! That’s actually really well writ-
oh.
I see.
Now, good sir, I would normally not dare to question the moral standing of such an individual such as yourself, but I believe the evidence here is overwhelming. I do say, that this, my friend, is plagiarism at its finest. You appear to have literally copy and pasted from the opening post. Now, normally I would tear you a new one over this, but this is not my battle to fight. I’ll leave that to Len. No, all I will say to this is that it speaks to exactly the type of person you truly are.
Let’s get back to that later, shall we?.
Meanwhile, we’re going to continue on with your amazing backstory! Woohoo!
“Kieran though never liked living there with his family. He had a mother.”
Oh! I have a mother too!
“a father “
Just like a real boy!
“They were an average family, with his father working most of the day and his mother a stay at home mother. His older brother had recently finished school, but had no desire to continue his education. He wanted to move out as soon as he had more money saved, so he decided to find a job as soon as he finished High school.”
Well, there’s no faster way of moving out than not going to college and starting work in your home town! Such a wise young man.
“Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains.”
Wait what? I thought he was, “a cheerful fellow”? He’s happy, and hate’s where he’s living at the same time? Now sir, as somebody who grew up in a very small town, and hated it, I can tell you with utmost certainty, unless you have some form of escape, such as the internet, your default emotion will not be cheer. In fact, you may find that the soul crushing apathy you feel every day leads you to this interesting condition some call depression, which, despite its inspiring name, does not cause you to be happy all the time.
“He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone”
Ah. World building. Let me say this. World building is for GM’s, and GM’s alone unless they grant player’s permission. This is a cardinal sin that players can commit, because it interferes with the with the creator’s vision of the world. You neither have the right, nor apparently the ability, to attempt to expound upon the details of the world without the GM’s guidance and permission.
“That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived ”
Of course! Because small town people love it when you talk about how much you hate where you are! “Oh you know, I just hate it here. What? Why am I bringing this up? Oh you know. Just in case you were curious.”
That’s not how people work, at least not balanced, well adjusted people.
“When he started looking into St. Fortunas he realized that this would be perfect. He had a small magical talent that he had practiced with, and started learning what he could on his own. While his family did love him, they did not love his magic abilities. His mother had been a mage a long time ago, and both his parents believed that magic was a very dangerous thing to use. ”
I’m sorry what? Ok, lot’s of thing’s going on here, let’s start with the worst.
MAGIC IS A PART OF THIS WORLD. IT IS NOT FEARED BY ANYBODY WHO ISN’T INSANE. THAT’S LIKE SAYING, “Water man. You know? Like, it really shouldn’t be drunk.”
It make’s NO GODDAMNED SENSE IN THIS WORLD.
Furthermore, you can’t “stop” being a mage. Everybody’s born either as a mage, or a familiar, and there’s no middle ground. It is entwined into your soul.
Even more so, MAGE’S NEED FAMILIAR’S TO PRACTICE MAGIC. Or at least, they need them to do real magic. The type of magic you’d be doing as an unbonded, untrained mage is very, very, very dangerous and difficult.
“At first they did not approve of what Kieran did in his spare time with magic, practicing and researching what little he could on his own, but when he was able to pull off qualifying for a scholarship when he was 15 they felt like they had no choice but to let him go.”
NO. THAT’S NOT HOW PARENTING WORKS. You don’t say, “Oh, I think x is really, REALLY dangerous, but you’re 15 so I guess I have to let you go practice and learn it.”
NO. NO PARENT WOULD EVER. EVER. LET THEM DO THAT.
“Kieran would always appreciate his roots and his family, even if he disliked Colbar and knew his family did not completely approve of his decision.”
Bullshit. You can’t hate your town to that degree, and be 15, and have what amounts to a toxic home life and still “appreciate your roots”.
“He was not sold entirely on what he wanted to accomplish in the end, he had only known about the world involving the sea and even in his research he had not settled on a single career, so as far as anyone knew he wanted to eventually become a magic teacher. Maybe one day he could even teach at St. Fortunas.”
I fucking doubt it.
Now, to the quiz! This is a chance for you to maybe, just maybe redeem Kieran and give him some much needed personality and humanity..
“1. What is your character's dream career?
Becoming a Teacher at the Academy. ”
Ok man. I’m gonna level with you here. You cannot just give a character unjustified goals. Goals not only make a character who they are, but they have those goal’s for good reason’s. This urge to teach is not founded anywhere in what you’ve written. This is not reasonable.
“2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason.”
This clashes with everything we know about Kieran. It very isn’t human. Very few people, when caught lying, will continue to insist that what they say is correct and true.
“8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
He looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made”
He looks up to his brother, who has literally no character development though tout your entire sheet. Great. Fucking great.
Now, you may remember a few paragraph’s up, I said that your plagiarism is telling of who you really are. Allow me to return to that now, just a put a nice little bow on this. It is clear to me that you are not somebody who likes at all to put effort into things. You shamelessly copied text, you put no effort into the personality of your character, and you didn’t even try to make him consistent. If it were totally up to me, you would not be getting another chance, but as it is not, perhaps you can prove me wrong, if you even care enough to do so.
Discontent in my Disco Tent
Member
Seen
3 yrs ago
Would ya just look at how critical and stuffy this OOC is! Not nearly enough sombrero wearing sociopaths!
3x Laugh
Natsu Weierstrass Personified
Member
Seen
2 days ago
Alright, here's a character. ^_^
Rena is extremely goal oriented, and once she has her eyes on a prize, there's absolutely nothing she won't do to get it. There was once a time in her life where she was meek and not at all one to speak up for herself, and she's vowed to never be that again. People may call her bossy, hard headed, or even bitchy, but no matter what, people can agree that she knows how to get things done. She knows how to use everything she has to her advantage, and knows not only how people tick, but how to get in their heads.
When interacting with people that aren’t directly opposing her goals, she’s very personable and friendly. She come off as a bit of a hardass, but only to the point that she likes to maintain a semblance of control over the interaction. If she’s in a conversation, she’ll try, in some shape or form, to either be the leading voice, or to have at least chosen the topic. She still tolerates and respects opinions outside of her own, but that doesn’t mean she won’t try not to change somebodies mind. She’d rather understand why a person think’s differently than her, than to disagree and hate them.
Life isn't easy growing up in the Maefield, not when your family barely has enough money to make rent every month. Rena Narim’s parents were, as fate would have it, not the model parents With an unemployed father, and a mother who was providing paycheck to paycheck though secretarial work in the pearl district, she wasn’t quite able to have an enjoyable childhood. Her father was horribly neglectful to her to the point where, it was always up to her mother to make sure that she was taken care of, her father not being assed enough to care about her. On the other hand, Rena’s mother cared as much as she could for her, but she wasn’t able to be around during the day, meaning the time between the two of them were limited. Most nights, dinner was whatever was quickest and easiest and cheapest, which meant frozen, reheatable slop. The hour or so that Rena would actually get to spend with her mother as a small child were very formative for her, and helped her develop an intense bond with her as most nights, this would be the only real human interaction she’d have during the day. Because of this, and her family’s economic situation, Rena’s mother decided that more children wouldn’t be in their future.
Rena became more and more self-reliant as she aged, realizing something that would become the core tenant of her childhood. Do not rock the boat. Her mother needed not be distracted with the complaints of a child. This realization came from how tired she saw her mother every day, and how happy she seemed to be when Rena was happy. She didn’t want to take the from her, and as such, she decided that any problems she had that weren’t horribly serious, needed to be kept to herself. However, Rena was still very much a child, and children invariably get bored if they can’t be provided distractions. Given this, and that her father would neither care nor notice if she slipped out of the house, she ended up making daily trips to the library not too far from her house. There, she found entertainment in the books and people she’d meet there.
Given how much time she ended up spending reading, she ended up doing wonderfully academically speaking. However, her social life outside of the library was lacking to say the least. She knew that if she acted out at school and it come home to her parent’s, her mom would be the one who would have to deal with it, meaning she minimized interaction with her peers there. Given this, she didn’t have many friends growing up. She was ok with this though, in the end, she saw it as a sacrifice she was making for a woman who was already doing so much for her.
As school went on, she found a passion in writing, and making stories. Perhaps it was the natural aptitude she seemed to have, or maybe it was just an escape for her, but at any rate, she quickly found that her favorite way to pass time, was to write. She crafted worlds in her words, and eventually went on to write borderline books by the time she was 12. And as she wrote more and more, she realized her own discontent with where she was in her own life. She thusly began to look for a way out, and she eventually landed on Fortuna’s as her best option. Firstly, it was a boarding school, meaning that she would get to change her environment, and she wouldn’t have to worry about burdening her mother any more, and secondly, it WAS one of the top schools in the world, and would help her get ready to have a better life than the ones her parents led. So, she applied, and with her perfect grades, and her literary abilities, she got in with a full ride.
When she got to Fortuna’s, for the first time in her life, she felt truly free. Sure, she had to make sure to keep her grades up, but she had a chance to reinvent herself. Rena had lived knowing what poverty was like, and she never wanted to experience that again. She decided that she wanted to be a winner. She found her voice, and made sure to use it. She took a position as a junior officer on the student council, and did as much as she could to represent her class and keep their voices heard to the council.
Success, chess, books, and bumblebees, and tea.
Failure, bullies, weakness, wasps, and urchins.
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
Rena Narim
Rena is a sixteen year old mage, with long brown hair, often tied back in a bright yellow bow and amber eyes. She stands in at five foot even., and has olive colored skin. She prefers to wear a skirt and button down combination for day to day wear.
Personality
Rena is extremely goal oriented, and once she has her eyes on a prize, there's absolutely nothing she won't do to get it. There was once a time in her life where she was meek and not at all one to speak up for herself, and she's vowed to never be that again. People may call her bossy, hard headed, or even bitchy, but no matter what, people can agree that she knows how to get things done. She knows how to use everything she has to her advantage, and knows not only how people tick, but how to get in their heads.
When interacting with people that aren’t directly opposing her goals, she’s very personable and friendly. She come off as a bit of a hardass, but only to the point that she likes to maintain a semblance of control over the interaction. If she’s in a conversation, she’ll try, in some shape or form, to either be the leading voice, or to have at least chosen the topic. She still tolerates and respects opinions outside of her own, but that doesn’t mean she won’t try not to change somebodies mind. She’d rather understand why a person think’s differently than her, than to disagree and hate them.
Biography
Life isn't easy growing up in the Maefield, not when your family barely has enough money to make rent every month. Rena Narim’s parents were, as fate would have it, not the model parents With an unemployed father, and a mother who was providing paycheck to paycheck though secretarial work in the pearl district, she wasn’t quite able to have an enjoyable childhood. Her father was horribly neglectful to her to the point where, it was always up to her mother to make sure that she was taken care of, her father not being assed enough to care about her. On the other hand, Rena’s mother cared as much as she could for her, but she wasn’t able to be around during the day, meaning the time between the two of them were limited. Most nights, dinner was whatever was quickest and easiest and cheapest, which meant frozen, reheatable slop. The hour or so that Rena would actually get to spend with her mother as a small child were very formative for her, and helped her develop an intense bond with her as most nights, this would be the only real human interaction she’d have during the day. Because of this, and her family’s economic situation, Rena’s mother decided that more children wouldn’t be in their future.
Rena became more and more self-reliant as she aged, realizing something that would become the core tenant of her childhood. Do not rock the boat. Her mother needed not be distracted with the complaints of a child. This realization came from how tired she saw her mother every day, and how happy she seemed to be when Rena was happy. She didn’t want to take the from her, and as such, she decided that any problems she had that weren’t horribly serious, needed to be kept to herself. However, Rena was still very much a child, and children invariably get bored if they can’t be provided distractions. Given this, and that her father would neither care nor notice if she slipped out of the house, she ended up making daily trips to the library not too far from her house. There, she found entertainment in the books and people she’d meet there.
Given how much time she ended up spending reading, she ended up doing wonderfully academically speaking. However, her social life outside of the library was lacking to say the least. She knew that if she acted out at school and it come home to her parent’s, her mom would be the one who would have to deal with it, meaning she minimized interaction with her peers there. Given this, she didn’t have many friends growing up. She was ok with this though, in the end, she saw it as a sacrifice she was making for a woman who was already doing so much for her.
As school went on, she found a passion in writing, and making stories. Perhaps it was the natural aptitude she seemed to have, or maybe it was just an escape for her, but at any rate, she quickly found that her favorite way to pass time, was to write. She crafted worlds in her words, and eventually went on to write borderline books by the time she was 12. And as she wrote more and more, she realized her own discontent with where she was in her own life. She thusly began to look for a way out, and she eventually landed on Fortuna’s as her best option. Firstly, it was a boarding school, meaning that she would get to change her environment, and she wouldn’t have to worry about burdening her mother any more, and secondly, it WAS one of the top schools in the world, and would help her get ready to have a better life than the ones her parents led. So, she applied, and with her perfect grades, and her literary abilities, she got in with a full ride.
When she got to Fortuna’s, for the first time in her life, she felt truly free. Sure, she had to make sure to keep her grades up, but she had a chance to reinvent herself. Rena had lived knowing what poverty was like, and she never wanted to experience that again. She decided that she wanted to be a winner. She found her voice, and made sure to use it. She took a position as a junior officer on the student council, and did as much as she could to represent her class and keep their voices heard to the council.
Likes
Success, chess, books, and bumblebees, and tea.
Dislikes
Failure, bullies, weakness, wasps, and urchins.
Points
Proficiency: 4
Intelligence: 5
Athletics: 1
Quiz
1. What is your character's dream career?
As it stands right now, Rena isn’t quite sure. She knows would love to be a novelist, or perhaps an editor, but she’s enjoyed serving the school as a public official as well, so she could also want to pursue that.
2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Rena would immediately try to backtrack on what she said, if possible, and write it off as some kind of mistake. IF she couldn’t do that, she’d try to excuse her behavior in the least damaging way possible.
3. Your character finds out someone close to them has been lying to them. How do they react?
It would depend on why. She’d be pretty pissed that a friend would think that they’d need to lie to her about something, but if they could justify it or if it was small enough, she’d forgive them pretty quickly. If it was something major, then she may end up trying to take revenge in some form or another.
4. If your character were given $50, what would they do with it?
Save it. If there’s one thing Rena respects and doesn’t waste, it’s money.
5. Someone close to your character gives them something very important and asks them to hold on to it until they come back. However, your character somehow loses it. What do they do?
Rena would freak the fuck out. She’d try to replace it as soon as possible if that was possible, if it wasn’t, she’d find herself indebted to them, until such time as she made it up to them.
6. Your character is given the chance to perfect any one talent. What do they choose?
Her writing ability, for sure.
7. What is your character’s favourite book or movie genre? Why?
Mystery for sure, she loves stories that work her mind in addition to keeping her interested with characters and plot.
8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
Her mother is her number one role model. She sees her as hardworking, loving, and fundamentally good.
As it stands right now, Rena isn’t quite sure. She knows would love to be a novelist, or perhaps an editor, but she’s enjoyed serving the school as a public official as well, so she could also want to pursue that.
2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Rena would immediately try to backtrack on what she said, if possible, and write it off as some kind of mistake. IF she couldn’t do that, she’d try to excuse her behavior in the least damaging way possible.
3. Your character finds out someone close to them has been lying to them. How do they react?
It would depend on why. She’d be pretty pissed that a friend would think that they’d need to lie to her about something, but if they could justify it or if it was small enough, she’d forgive them pretty quickly. If it was something major, then she may end up trying to take revenge in some form or another.
4. If your character were given $50, what would they do with it?
Save it. If there’s one thing Rena respects and doesn’t waste, it’s money.
5. Someone close to your character gives them something very important and asks them to hold on to it until they come back. However, your character somehow loses it. What do they do?
Rena would freak the fuck out. She’d try to replace it as soon as possible if that was possible, if it wasn’t, she’d find herself indebted to them, until such time as she made it up to them.
6. Your character is given the chance to perfect any one talent. What do they choose?
Her writing ability, for sure.
7. What is your character’s favourite book or movie genre? Why?
Mystery for sure, she loves stories that work her mind in addition to keeping her interested with characters and plot.
8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
Her mother is her number one role model. She sees her as hardworking, loving, and fundamentally good.
coGM
onenote A wild Neno appeared!
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
@Natsu
Congrats! You're accepted! Rena's magic is fire (just don't go around setting everything on fire now okay?)
(also just a remember to change her height and picture please)
(also just a remember to change her height and picture please)
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
Announcement!
Due to their extended period of inactivity, @General Scales has been put on the waiting list. They are not being kicked, and when they return we'll see about putting them back in the RP. @liferusher's new partner is @Natsu's Rena Narim. Since Janine and Mui were never bonded, it should be easy to have the correction happen off-screen.
I'm still sick as a dog, so my post will likely be postponed until my head stops hurting enough for me to think coherently, which hopefully should be in a few days. Thanks for being so patient, everyone.
GM
Invader Len Your Friendly Neighborhood Megalomaniac
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
I am a silly goomba who forgot my mentions. @Raijinslayer @The Errorist
Natsu Weierstrass Personified
Member
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2 days ago
@liferusher Are you still playing?
Natsu Weierstrass Personified
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2 days ago
DELETED7282737
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2 yrs ago
@liferusher
Yea sorry. I havent been feeling well as of late. Ill get something up for the end of the week
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Discontent in my Disco Tent
Member
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3 yrs ago
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