Arrrghh
Fuck it, nothing is coming out how I want it. Just going to list my thoughts down, no matter how selfish and conceded they seem.
Fair warning
Ok-ay
First, the magic
I'm personally not fond of anything that just outright negates whatever specific power or supernatural ability that is in the story. Its cheap, its easy, and requires little to no creativity. Canon-wise, I suppose it will pass, as there is a technical precedent in the magic-negation cells that the Magic Council shoves criminals in.
But a spell like that would be one hell of a super weapon, and should have very very dire repercussions should it exist...which the History doesn't even touch on.
On that note, we know very little about pre-Zeref times, however, I am lead to believe it was mainly characterized by the ongoing conflict against dragons. Human squabbling is entirely possible, but back to the magic negotiating spell, there is potential for it. Maybe it was developed to fight the dragons before being turned on humans. However, again, that is a hell of a weapon if it existed, and is still potent enough to exist in his blood
potentially a millennia later.
Thats the first half of my problem with the sheet. The second half is...
Complicated. And probably not something that will be received well.
If I were to sum it up, I feel like I'm looking at a generic protagonist with all the earmarks of a amature RPer. I'm sorry, but let me explain.
Lets start with the biggest red flag, the strengths.
1. Master of Swordsmanship
2. Endurance/Sheer will power
3. Brilliant tactician.
Generic qualities?
Check
Check
Check.
Eww.
Lots of RPers fall into this trap, I myself, did once, and perhaps even still do. So I have to be very careful where I put these stones. Might break a glass house or two.
Hence my mirror mirror comment earlier.
Even the rest of the history, weaknesses, and motivation bear with the generic feel.
Bounty hunter? Oh please. Its nowhere near as profitable or glorious or even combat relient as games and anime make it out to be. In reality, it was a unforgiving, highly contested, quasi legal job that takes a ton of leg work, people skills, and plenty of hungry nights. Most actually had steady jobs on the side, and only did it to make a quick buck. As a job occupation, it would probably leave you dying of starvation in a ditch somewhere. However, this
is in an anime setting, and its quite possible that up until some years ago, mages might have had prices on their heads. However, these mages would not be evil scum, but normal, good, and kind people who just want to continue their magic practices in peace.
I think that would say something about his personality a great deal if he can hunt those people down and sleep easy afterwards. Or not.
His personality is...uh...generic and barebones. Take a moment to maybe look at other character's personalities in the character tab. See how people can build their personalities, and the qirks they might have. Also,
a person's character is heavily influenced by their past and circumstances. As you make your character, try to think about what may have shaped them to behave this way. Fears, likes, and dislikes are unsubtle examples of this.
Note that I am very well aware that I cannot hold everyone to my standards of quality, and that there are plenty of people out there that just don't have the talent. Conversely, there are many with far more writing and character creating talent then I, and if I met them, they would probably point out the fallacies and clichés in my writing.
This is my attempt to help you,
@Aerandir, become a better writer. Please do not take this as me making fun or dissing your hard work on the sheet.
Its possible that I really have no right to do this, but I believe that standing by and saying nothing is worse.
Verdict: technically passible, but very bare-bones with far too many generic qualities and a history that is too far removed but too close to canon to say yea or nay on.
Edit: One last thing that I ment to touch on, but didn't. Concerning the already critized strengths. You cannot just decide that they are a master at any skill, because youwant them to be strong, unless there is an actual backstory reason for it. Although, in my opinion, nothing can be mastered, because mastery implies they have nothing left to learn. If you want to say they are an expert swordsman, fine, but who did they learn from, and what experience do they have in combat? Swordsmen don't just pop up like toadstools. Tactics is a whole hell of another beast. Learning anything like tactical battle requires years and years of dedicated studies and requires you, as the writer, to have a decently extensive knowledge on the subject matter yourself to fake it. One cannot write what they don't know.
