Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by deadpixel101
Raw
Avatar of deadpixel101

deadpixel101 Still Around

Member Seen 2 mos ago

@Polaris North

1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by LemonZest1337
Raw
Avatar of LemonZest1337

LemonZest1337 Fresh and Zesty

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@AngelofOctober Aight buddy you gave me one massive CS to read. But here's my review.

Ok so this CS is great and oh so very long, as to be expected of ya boi. And overall it was just grand. Having a colab in the there was also a great touch.

BUT! I found one major problem. And it in his magic section, Idris has two medium spells. Now that being said he doesn't have a special attack so it would make sense for him to have the second spell, even if he is half elf. But the thing is, he kinda dose have an ability. The misc battle section outlines how he can sense magic and when it's going to be cast and what not, now I know that isn't an attack per say. But I remember at some point it was brought up that something like that could be considered a special ability.

Aside from that though the CS is fantastic. Seeing his family is also pretty awesome.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by LemonZest1337
Raw
Avatar of LemonZest1337

LemonZest1337 Fresh and Zesty

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@deadpixel101

Simon's cs looks great, though I have to Agree with Akaya about the verbiage making things a little confusing. Also I can't wait to find out what kind of nasty ass monster attacked Simon, that thing should be fun if we manage to find it. His magic/tech mix is also really cool, having a magic ricochet thing is actually super badass. Can't wait to see the moth boy in action.

Also if Francis makes a sword all glowy and bright. Would Simon be attracted to it?

@Polaris North

Aight I like you're character. though like I said with Akaya's character, bottling up these emotions is only going to end poorly. I'm looking forward to it. Also can't wait to see him flip his shit at someone, that'll be a treat.

Though I have some stuff to say about the spells, I like them all don't get me wrong. But maybe the blade Sharpening one and the illumination one should switch places. Sharpening enchantment being moved to the medium section and light enchantment to the lesser section.

Aside from that I love him. Though we seem to have a lot of kids running away from things, hopefully that running can be put to good use in the forest.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Landaus Five-One
Raw
Avatar of Landaus Five-One

Landaus Five-One The Sadist Insaneous One

Member Seen 20 hrs ago

@Polaris North's Character Review

Francis Edmund Breaux - His name sounds a bit french inspired. :)

I do like the picture you picked out for him. Yay, a fellow human! Since we lost a human and he's two years older than Rhaya.

Description:

That's a great description for someone with a french sounding first and last name. I enjoyed how it went through somethings alike his noble aura, his eyes, his clothing, his style of training (fencer), and his voice. Pretty great so far. I need to dig deeper to see the whole thing.

Persona:

I am now on his persona, which includes, his strengths, flaws, hobbies, and skills. Let's see if these incite excitement in my typing or whatever I come up with. Reading is such fun, should really do more of it. xD

Strengths - His strengths are completely nice and well passive, see what I did there? It makes me as if I knew him from the beginning. At least let's see what his flaws are next.

Flaws - Aww, that's sad, he's a perfectionist, shut off his emotions and gets really angry if provoked. At least, the orphans don't know how to push his buttons. Now its onto his hobbies, which will see more into what he likes.

Neutral - I like his hobbies, and that he's happy with the orphans, it's very nice really to have someone who only likes to read or play with instruments but mostly be by himself. Now its onto the last part of Francis' persona, which are the skills that Francis is great at.

Skills -

The skills above this small error, are great and I do like their descriptions. I have found a small error, in one of his skills.

He cna play them rather well.


Where did the can go, down the street to play with the CNA? xD

Other than that Instrumentalist is great.

I do like his Enchantment Aura Reading skill, it's very interesting, and ties pretty into his magic style pretty nicely.

Aww, I do like his crafting skill, it's quite great. Mostly because of his giving gifts, with his woodcarvings. :)

I do like his last skill too.

Battle Profile:

The Battle Profile has arrived, into my sights and time to review the interesting side of his things.

Focal Crystal - First thing, I got to say, I like the picture you picked for the Crystal Obelisk. And the description of the focal crystal is pretty nice too.

Special Equipment -

The Silver Pendant, has a simple and eloquent description. The description of its ability is great, I do like there has to be verbal confirmation from the person being affected by it.

The Enchanted Cloak, I like the description of the cloak itself. It is definitely for a nobleman or woman to wear. I like the descriptive ability it holds and its very nice, in the protection, though it cannot really take that many blows.

Equipment - I like all the equipment he has on him especially the 'F' etched on the Wooden Token, with another and a 'C' on it as well. I have a hint of what that is, his first name with Gertude's last name on it.

Weapons - Slash, Slash, Slash, how many slash and stabbing noises can I make? Because there's two sword based weapons in here, one is his pride and joy from his family days. The other is a lucky charm, which is a knife. Kinda feel like I want to make "Now, this is a knife! Reference." Oh wait, just did that.

Magic Profile:

Spellbook - I love the picture for the spell book and its description is pretty nifty since it can change shape. xD

School of Focus - Enchantments, I can give you many things for your troubles. Enchantments are pretty nifty if you think about it. Ala, I like the school you've picked for your character.

Spells:
Lesser Spells -

I love the first part of your all your character's enchantments ala, what he says to activate the enchantment. In terms of your lesser spells.

The Fire Enchantment - I liked its description of what it does to specifically make a blade to catch fire to strike at foes.

The Sharpening Enchantment - I loved the ending part of the description of what it says, don't show off you dolt! Or you might lose an arm. That was quite funny nonetheless and its very good to know how long it lasts for too.

The Durability Enchantment - This is very nice description of the enchantment, it showed a bit of the history behind it as well it showed how it was refined so it would stop hurting the original user of said spell. This entire enchantment is very well done.

Medium Spells -

I love the first part of your all your character's enchantments ala, what he says to activate the enchantment. In terms of your medium spells.

The Torch Enchantment - First and foremost, can I fax you a letter? Called Lumen Fax, it's pretty bright to say the least. Great, description again, I like how it can be reapplied before it completely fades. Nifty, trick.

The Bonding Enchantment -

When the enchanter has bonded enough with an object, they can perform this enchatnment on it.


Misspelled Enchantment in this sentence. I notice these things pretty easily. Other than that misspelling, the spell's description is pretty nice and making the weapon or anything appear in the hand if they are at least in a four meter radius around said object.

Misc Battle Info - I do like he uses his enchantments fully to his abilities, and he can give his enchantments to others as a form of support.

Your Tale:

Arrival - Aww, that was a sad depressing story. The curse finally showed up and everyone of his family died, that was pretty daunting. I have to say curses are such sweet sorrow but I hope he gets through to find who cursed him and kick her ass. xD

Theme Song - I like the description before you click it to listen to the song you've picked for your character. I like the theme song of how much I listened to it. Good job in picking "No One is Alone."

Misc - The Royal Family is awaiting for someone to return, seems odd. But I guess its better than nothing. They want the family that was about the crops, to be apart of them again. The Galaxy Villa sounds like a nice place to live. Even though the Breaux's family only now has a mansion to their name, but that's about it.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by MenacingEffect
Raw
GM
Avatar of MenacingEffect

MenacingEffect Damaged Goods

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

So far looking good everyone's reviews are coming out. I appreciate the cordial respect you have put forward with each other.
2x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

-Character Tab in all its glory-
1x Like Like
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by knifeman
Raw
Avatar of knifeman

knifeman gender: cryptid

Member Seen 4 yrs ago









Age: 11

Species: Opossum

Opossums are a fairly common species, but they aren’t often seen, as they are nomadic and largely nocturnal (with excellent night vision, naturally). Families of opossums travel between towns, foraging for food along the way, the mother carrying her kids (called joeys) on her back once they get too big to ride in her pouch. It’s not uncommon to see older joeys holding each other’s tails in a line to stay together. Speaking of, opossums’ tails are prehensile and strong enough to be used as a fifth limb useful for climbing trees and carrying things.

Opossums are often stereotyped as cowards, as they prefer to keep to themselves and stay out of trouble. This isn’t helped by their tendency to pass out, or “play dead,” when overly threatened. It’s not intentional, though; it’s an involuntary reflex. While they aren’t particularly strong in offense or defense, they’re built to survive. They have a very strong immune system protecting them from most diseases and poisons, and can eat almost anything, including carrion and bones if necessary.




Description: Maybell looks pretty typical for an opossum, except for her rather small size, even compared to others of her kind. She stands roughly two feet tall, and most of her body mass is made up of fluffy fur. She wears an orange bandana around her neck.





Strengths: Maybell’s best feature is her intelligence. She reads just about every book she can find and thus stores an encyclopedia of fun facts and trivia tidbits in her head. She can figure out riddles and puzzles with ease, and does so quite often (just, you know, for fun). In addition, Maybell has plenty of energy and determination that she pours into whatever she does. If you give her a puzzle interesting enough, she won’t let anything distract her until it’s been solved.

Flaws: While Maybell is book-smart, she doesn’t have a whole lot of sense. She’s not great at navigating social situations, and she has a terrible habit of ignoring signs of danger and running headlong into trouble she has no way of getting herself out of. Her determination isn’t always a good thing either; she often gets tunnel vision and ignores even her own needs in favor of figuring out some puzzle.

Neutral: Maybell loves mysteries. Secrets, codes, conspiracies, if it’s hidden in some way, she’s going to find it. She also has an affinity for… things, for lack of a better term. She collects little trinkets such as shiny rocks, cool bugs, and discarded buttons. Whatever strikes her fancy, really.

Skills:
Sleight of Hand
She has very light hands, good for filching and pickpocketing.
Hiding
She can fit into small spaces and camouflage herself in wooded areas.
Cryptography
She can recognize and decode most known ciphers given enough time and effort.





Focal Crystal: Maybell’s Focal Crystal is pale pink, roughly three inches long, and pointed at the top. When in use, its edges glow bright white. She keeps it in her pouch along with the rest of her equipment.


Special Equipment:
Reihenschieber
Anything written by this pen turns into illegible symbols before the ink dries. Only those marked by the Aryabhata spell can read it.


Obtentus
While Maybell wears this necklace, she will take on the appearance of an average fox until either she takes it off, or an hour passes. Afterwards, the necklace won’t work again until the next day.


Equipment:


A foldable journal where Maybell writes down various codes, ciphers, and keys (all written with Reihenschieber and illegible to anyone else).
A leather pouch full of little trinkets and pretty rocks.
A set of lockpicks.
An inkwell.
Her mother’s bandana.

Weapon: She carries a small knife in a leather sheath. It’s not anything special, but it works for self-defense and practical use.


Special Attack: Playing dead is an opossum’s last line of defense in dire situations. As a reflex, they fall unconscious and release a pheromone that fools predators into thinking they’re dead. Her tendency to play dead causes Maybell a whole lot of embarrassment, but it’s a useful defense mechanism.





Magic Lv: 5

Spellbook: Maybell’s spellbook is a leatherbound book with etched patterns and copper pieces attached to the cover.


School of Focus: Trickery - In her magic, Maybell focuses on illusion, thievery, and encoding (and decoding) messages. Messing with people, hiding stuff, etc. Basically a magic Rogue.

Spells:
Aryabhata (Lesser): Anyone marked by this spell can read text written with Reihenschieber.
Heresco (Lesser): This spell allows Maybell to walk on walls and ceilings for up to five minutes.
Murmur (Lesser): This spell lets Maybell send a short whispered message audible only to its target.
Perplicatus (Medium): For five minutes, the target of this spell becomes confused and disoriented.

Misc Battle Info: Maybell isn’t the type to rush into battle. She’s not great at fighting, so she doesn’t do it often, but she will if there’s no other choice.





“A thimble’s worth of milky moon
Can touch hearts larger than a thimble”




Once upon a time, there was a family of possums; a mother, a father, and nine joeys. Their lives were an adventure; they would travel from town to town scavenging for food and doing odd jobs for whoever needed help. The youngest joey, Maybell, was precocious and curious; she loved exploring and discovering new things. She had a habit of running off and getting herself lost whenever she saw something interesting.

"And all day long we talked about mercy
Lead me to water, Lord, I sure am thirsty"


Maybell had heard stories of wild monsters that lived in the forests between towns, but she had never experienced them herself, having spent her first few years in civilization. When the time came to leave, Maybell had no idea how dangerous the forests could be.

“And Danger! Danger! Drawing near them was a white coat
And Danger! Danger! drawing near them was a broad boat”


A few days into their journey, they stopped to rest, and Maybell wandered away from her family to explore. She noticed something unusual. It looked like some kind of plant she had never seen before, moving in a strange way that couldn’t have been caused by the wind. Curiously, Maybell approached it. Before she could get much closer, she heard her siblings calling for her.

“Maybell! Where are you? We’re going to have dinner!”

“Over here! Check out this thing I found!”


Before she could say anything else, Maybell heard a growling noise and the “plant” stood up on clawed feet and lunged at her. She could hear her siblings coming towards her and calling her name. She tried to go towards them, but got disoriented and ended up in a river.



“Why’ve you gone away?
Seven suns, seven suns away”


Maybell woke up drenched on the riverbed in the middle of the night, all alone. She didn’t find her family’s campsite until the early morning, but it was destroyed and abandoned. All that was left was her mother’s bandana. She figured they must have run away from the monster. Maybell picked up the bandana and what little supplies were left at the campsite and set off to find her family.

(She would tell you that she left immediately, but she actually spent almost an entire day crying first)

Her natural survival abilities helped her live on her own until she reached Cosmos City. By the time she got there, she was dirty, tired, and hungry and was torn between continuing on and just giving up.

One morning, she woke up in her makeshift bed on the side of a road and was approached by a kindly old woman offering her a place to stay.

This is where our story begins…

“Hundred raging waters snare the lonely sigh
Hold your breath and clasp at Cassiopeia”



Theme Songs:
Bridges and Balloons by Joanna Newsom
Sadie by Joanna Newsom
Sprout and the Bean by Joanna Newsom
Cosmia by Joanna Newsom
Cassiopeia by Joanna Newsom


Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Landaus Five-One
Raw
Avatar of Landaus Five-One

Landaus Five-One The Sadist Insaneous One

Member Seen 20 hrs ago

@knifeman's profile review

Maybell Julep Docker's review really

I like the fact she's a talking Opossum, that's pretty nifty/nice. And love the picture that you picked for her. :3

Persona:

Out of all the persona parts, I like them all. I definitely like the fact she's into mysteries, she could be the next biggest conspiracy theorist. In terms of the National Treasure movies. I had to reference that movie sorries, if you don't like it. xD

I hope she doesn't steal any of orphan's things. xD

Battle Profile:

Omgs, the cutest focus crystal ever! I love her 'Reihenschieber' and necklace that turns her into a fox. The equipment is very detailed too in terms of all the pictures you've picked for her equipment.

I like that she carries a simple dagger, very nice.

The Special Attack, definitely fits the species she is. It's very cute. xD

Magic Profile:

Hehe, that's a cute spellbook for an opossum. Pretty messy indeed as the hider says. xD

Hm, that's pretty cool School of Focus, a illusion, thief and encoding / decoding messages. It's literally a thief's best friend.

I like the short and sweet spells, they make sense, since the first one allows a person to read, what her quill pen wrote, spider opossum (reference if you can't catch it), and dazing someone is pretty nice too. xD

I like her misc battle info, absolutely necessary or the last thing she will fight. Better than being completely terrified of things at least.

The Tale Section

I love the family tree picture, its very cute. I love the "A thimble worth of milky moon Can touch hearts larger than a thimble," that's very cute. I love that.

That entire tale feels like, a Disney Once upon a time, type story line, which is very cute and aww sadness too. It was pretty sad.

I can see you picked a lot of theme songs for your character, that's always nice. I'll probably have to listen to them later on.




So far, I am definitely enjoyin' all these profiles, and now you can review mine since its below this thing. If you need directions than follow with your hearts and see what I have done. I can't wait until @AngelofOctober's finish his latest profile since it is amazing so far. And it's very intense, how differently it is. I do like the orange in the very beginning. You definitely have a lot of passion in your writing sir and I hope you continue with that said passion.




1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
Raw
Avatar of Akayaofthemoon

Akayaofthemoon

Member Seen 6 hrs ago

Maybell Review

@knifeman

If I could pick a word for this character, it would be adorable. That being said, this was the one thing that stood out to me.

- You actually can/should have one more lesser spell or medium spell.

Overall

I love how cute she is and that she is into mysteries and codes. I love that you chose to draw your own pic for her. I love that her special ability is something that is natural for her species in a way that she can be embarrassed by it sometimes which makes it feel more natural. I think it was a neat idea to provide pics for the equipment instead of only describing it.

I love the way the Tale was told, poor Maybell, but the underline on the first of every first word maybe me wish it had been a word or code. Like it would spell out ‘Opossum’ or something lol. This character is just great and I love that she is different from some of the others in the group by being an animal species.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
Raw
Avatar of Akayaofthemoon

Akayaofthemoon

Member Seen 6 hrs ago

Rhaya Review

@Landaus Five-One

I don’t really see anything that pops out as being wrong. I really love that we have a more solider type to the mix. I mean, yes, she is a noble but it feels different in a way from say Francis which is good. I love the relationship and affection that comes through in the writing for her mother. It is nice to have someone so focused on one thing that they kind of are oblivious about others such as love or the outside world. I think it is adorable the she love she cute things but won’t mention it without blushing. All and all I love that she chose to go to Gertie’s instead of being found and such. I really like the character and can’t wait to see her in action!
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by LemonZest1337
Raw
Avatar of LemonZest1337

LemonZest1337 Fresh and Zesty

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@knifeman

POSSUM SISTER!!! POSSSSSSUUUUMMMM SISTERRRRRR!!!

I think Maybell is going to be adorable, I just hope she doesn't get shoved in the bag of holding. O.O

Her need to solve problems may be a problem but I really like that as a character trait. The party really is going to have a lot of different situations that don't favor curtain members of the party. And this really makes me look forward to seeing what kind of trouble or band of misfits is going to get into.

@Landaus Five-One

HUMAN SISTER! HUUUMMAAAAAN SISTERRRRRR!!!

Overall I really like Rhaya, her kind of combat expertise is probably going to be needed down the line. Though I feel her medium spells are a little strange, I might just be misunderstanding something. But 6-10 minutes delays on her wind wall/ tempest strike? That seems like a really long time for something that is to be used in combat.

Aside from that though she looks great. And I'm excited to she her run around with the gang.
2x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Polaris North
Raw
Avatar of Polaris North

Polaris North How I Socially Interact

Member Seen 25 days ago

@knifeman

Maybell certainly is a unique one, and I'm not saying that just because of the species and the fact that she's just two feet tall and scampers around... okay, fine, it is probably 80% of the reason.

It was rather short compared to the others, but it was fine. It got me a look into the character and she's quite adorable. She's not much for fighitng, but definitely would help when they go around trying to figure out how things work. Francis would definitely have befriended her quickly because she seems like the type be quiet while reading.

And the extra spell you need man.

@Landaus Five-One

Ah yes, my fellow human. My more useful human. Ha! In any case, what only sidetracked me was the fact that her cold wind was '40 and 50 degrees in temperature' and I just had to process the fact that you meant Fahrenheit.

In any case, I like the fact that Rhaya wasn't here because she lost her parents but for another reason entirely and just joined the hunt because she just wanted to. Her people pleaser attitude and the fact that she always wants to be friends with everyone is sure to get us in some trouble within the group considering Valeo, our resident half-daemon.

Expect Francis to be the one to tell her about her mistakes and her denseness... he may or may not start poking her with the scabbard to catch her attention.
2x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by MenacingEffect
Raw
GM
Avatar of MenacingEffect

MenacingEffect Damaged Goods

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

My Final Thoughts


@LemonZest1337

Species: Dhampir: Dhampirs work a little differently than a normal vampire. First off is their ability to withstand sunlight, though it still burns their skin terribly and hurts to stand in for long periods of time, it won't ultimately lead to their demise on its own. But their skin isn't the only thing sensitive to light, their eyes are also sensitive to light, this is both a perk and a hindrance.


A balanced Species overview. I have nothing further to say, as I will not ask for a revision, because I believe this species overview serves it purpose. However, for future advice, it would also have been nice to dive into Dhampir "culture". In Pathfinder they would be described as nomads drifting from town to town. I tried not to give too much in hopes that you would play around more with the concept. This is suitable and fine, a little bit of advice for later on to flesh out the prospects of his adult life.

Description: Archibald Insists on wearing simpler cheap clothes, not getting the whole deal with fancy clothes. Although he's a Dhampir his appearance is on the human side lacking any actual hint of being half vampire. He is a rather small boy for his ages, only being 133.6cms tall and weighs about 20 kilograms. Any trinkets he carries are either on his belt or in his backpack.


Short and sweet. The picture serves to highlight and portray the character, though there is more to a character than just sight, but sound as well as the way they smell. Again passable, but for the future try to get into more than just the surface and use the appearance to highlight the five senses of appearance. The way someone smell reminds us just as much features of them as the physical.



No complaints from me. He feels his age. Encompassing in that I see no problems with his Skills either, they seem appropriate for his age.



I have nothing to say about his battle profile either. It feels appropriate for his age, I like the fact he does not have a designate style of training. It is fitting and suitable.

Lesser Spells


I feel like he could be powered up just a little. Tap and Water bomb are suitable. And I like them. But I feel;

Bucket:This spell allows you to control a small amount of water, it's a weak form of hydrokinesis. It's applications are mainly supportive things, but it can be used to dump a decent amount of water on a target, provided water is present to be used.

Is redundant with water bomb and you can by the third spell give him a little bit of more power with this spell.

Intermediate skills and misc battle information seems reasonable and suitable to me. I like both. I have no comments.



I will be frank and say that this is probably the weakest element of the sheet. While it is written concisely and cohesively. I wish there would have been more effort to have been made. An exchange of how Arcadis and Viola met. You could have taken the opportunity to write their history and end it on leaving Archibald. I wish there had been more. That you played more, used this section to your advantage. Otherwise, it is nice and concise, and it simplicity also serves it purpose. So for that I praise it.

Overview; I think Archibald is a wonderful character. You have managed to capture what a 10 year old is, not just what a 10 year old feels like that. With that I feel like Archibald will serve the team well enough. The only revision you need to change is Bucket, to give him a spell with a bit more bite.

Verdict: Accepted per the change in the spell section

@Akayaofthemoon

Species
Half Celestial - One of many different types of non-human beings who share the godlike/holy characteristics of being more powerful, longer-lived, and, in general, much happier than humans. They tend to live peaceful lives, never staying in one spot long as they love to wander and fight of dark souls that come along their paths to protect others. They grant wishes and miracles to those that are in need though they are rarely seen. Those that have seen Celestials describe them as soft and calming, giving a sense of peace even in the darkest of times to those that are near. Their smell changing to suit each person's senses and always seeming to draw the light to them. They can have up to six wings in total, three pairs each, but each extra set it earned with time and the wings are almost always the palest of colors with accented tips. The most common being white with golden tips.


I have the same general advice. While the description serves it purpose. I wish there had been played around with more. Create a Goddess. Also you forgo abilities of the species, so I am a little uncertain of what they do. I would have given them Disease Resistance, makes it harder for them to get sick. A spice up. This is optional changes. I am not asking for these changes. I wish to have seen more and to have their own feel.

Description
The sounds of a rippling stream echoed through a silent forest. The night air bringing a slight chill from the gentle summer breeze which carried with it the pleasant smell of pine. The shadows danced in the light of the moon as the trees shifted in the wind, fireflies twinkling their own luminescence to chase away any fear of the darkness along the narrow path. The dried needles on the forest floor crunched under each step forward with no destination in hand but the hope for a clearing to appear along the way. As if your prayers had been heard, the illumination of pure moonlight showed ahead which were the telltale signs of an opening in the vast amount of trees that made up this forest. A rush of excitement flooded your being and your pace quickens from the relaxed one that you had been content with earlier.


I had a lot of fun plotting ideas with you. And what you took from that plotting is a beautiful prose. I have to say that I adored every minute of this description piece. You have the talent and the strength to create this beautiful imagery alongside this beautiful energy. I have to say this is my favorite appearance description in a long time. Kudos.

She is calm in the face of adversity. When presented keeps calm and focuses on the issue.


Could be written; When in the presence of adversity she keeps calm, and focuses on the issue.

Struck out to me as a little awkward to read.



Otherwise I have no other comments. It is a pretty good run of the mill personality. I enjoyed it, it was a lovely read. Again you have a great knowledge of word usage. Which I like. I wish more of Astraea stood out to me to make her more of a whole person. She feels one note to me. Again it is an optional revision from me. I wish she had something that would make her stand out, prejudice maybe against those that judged her, maybe she does get violent with injustice as we are discussing in the discord.

Skills look fine. They are reasonable to who she is as an individual. I have no comments.



Perfect. Love it all. I have no other comments to make about this section. It is short and too the point. Which can be good sometimes. Love it.



All seems good. I have no comments about this section. It all works together. Good job.



It is this and your appearance that stood out to me in the most in your sheet. I love both. They are elegant. They paint a beautiful picture and I really have nothing to say about your tale. Because I quite frankly enjoyed reading every moment of it.

Overview; Astraea looks like she will be a good sensible ground for the character. I enjoyed your sheet and do not have any revisions for you other than optional revisions that you may ignore.

Verdict: Accepted

@deadpixel101

Species: Bug-Folk. Silk moth variety.

Bug-folk are a varied group, taking after the many genus of insect-like creatures in humanoid form. They most often retain some attributes or abilities of the true insects they draw inspiration from. While the communities of bug-folk can often be rather separate and divisive they have taken to congealing into larger communities despite the food chain their progenitors once belonged to. Bug-folk do not in fact partake in hunting each other in any form of cannibalism, though it was at a point tradition to stay within groups of bug-folk of the same kind.


The more unique choice out of the group. And to be frank, I give you props for really thinking outside of the box with that one. I really like the Silk Moth Bug Folk and cannot wait to bring them more into this tale. For being creative and imaginative I give you a applause. Good job.

Description: Simon stands at roughly 4"9, not being particularity short or tall considering his age. Like many bug folk he is quite light despite his size, weighing somewhere in the ballpark of 90 lbs. His person is often smudged with oil in places. Bumps and scratches appear all over and are promptly covered with an array of colorful band-aids. His voice is slightly awkward in a way that's hard to describe. A little higher pitched then one might expect, with slight accents on certain vowels. His pronunciation of words lean to what he thinks sound good instead of what are etymologically correct. His eyes appear luminous in dark locations, though they are instead reflective; rather than giving off their own light.


It is simple and gets to the point. I have no problem with simple descriptions, they get to the point and are straight forward. For someone who drew their character, you have little visual context. Which is interesting. Not bad. Just weakens a creation from your own mind. No changes needed to made. Merely an observation.

Persona


Like many of the current proposed cast, it seems the purposed strengths are talkative and easy to get along with. Despite that I really find your neutrals and flaws to be more interesting than your strengths. Which is shame, because I love the idea of this individual working to their own music. It be nice if that musical quality was brought more into your strengths and the character was fleshed out beyond being nice and independent. Which is a criticism I had of some of the sheets and may repeat myself once or twice. This again is general advice with optional revisions.

Skills, Neutral, and Flaws really flesh out Simon. I wish his strengths were as standout as they were. They are what makes Simon unique. And I liked those qualities.

Battle Profile


As we talked before, I absolutely enjoy this. It is unique. It refreshing. I love an engineer rifle user. I have no comments about this part of your sheet.

Magic Profile


Perfect. Everything about this feels unique. I loved the spells. I loved the misc battle info. These are the standouts of your sheet. And stood out with a concrete design in mind.

Tale


I liked the fairy tale aspect of this. The way it was written. We had this discussion on the discord. My preference is more of a history like Astraea or even look at Arisen sheet. Mainly because I feel like I am being told the emotions and not feeling the emotions. You lose a lot of emotional weight, by not exploring them. Otherwise, I enjoyed the tale, and again these are not revisions to be made, they are meant to be advice for the next you build a sheet.

Overview; I feel the personality is a bit weak, I also feel the description is also a bit weak and the tale. It is the same thing I said about Archibald. While simple is good and getting to the point is good, I am disappointed that someone can draw a character and not have this abundance of visual design in mind for their character. Otherwise, the battle profile, the species, and the mechanical work is nicely written and I enjoyed them.

Verdict: I'd like to see some more reviews and thoughts on Simon from the other cast members. Preferable Arisen and Maybell who have not gotten around to it. Pending Acceptance.

@Polaris North

Description: Francis lets out a noble aura, as was taught to him ever since he was a child. Standing straight and confident, his strides are long and sure. His movements are graceful but precise. There is nothing in his body language that would reflect the insecurities within. The expression on his face when he isn't with anyone is usually just a neutral face plastered on - often seen as bored or lonely. It is reminiscent of a look that someone has when he's mourning, or when he's remembering something that can be considered as 'sad' or a 'horrible' memory.


Yes please more. I enjoyed read your description of Francis. He exudes this princely aura and I felt like he was coming alive off the page. I absolutely enjoyed the way you worded information. I loved the way it was organized. This is how to get to the point, be simple, but still be able to give character to the individual you are creating. Kudos.

Persona


It seems like everyone is taking, doesn't get bothered by much classes. With that out of the way I actually feel like Francis' strength is his weakest part of his personality sheet. While reasonable it comes off very stereotypical, something you'd expect from a noble. I wish to have seen some quirks in personality. A break in the mold maybe. Of course this is optional. With Idris redacted, I don't have any more comments on the flaws because they no longer conflict with another's character and neither does his strength. The skills to the persona all equal what a noble person might have been. However, I would suggest, optional, that because he was orphaned at a young age you could drop in some other elements.

Battle Profile


One of your stronger sections. I enjoyed reading this portion of the sheet as well. It is a good setup and I love when not every character is magey. And that's what I am enjoying so far out of the potential cast members. Francis has good setup and balance.

Magic Profile


Traditional and classic. I respect the classics. Again I like how Francis doesn't lean too much into the sorcerer box.

Tale


Another well written tale. I liked the storybook element of the way it was written. I enjoy this idea of being able to explore this family curse. That will be a very interesting arc. To see who cursed them and why. I enjoy a good mystery and to figure out the clues. I really look forward to this aspect of Francis. My only criticism would be that instead of writing it as a narrative, you gave lots of exposition. I enjoy feeling what a character feels then knowing what a character knows. Otherwise though I thoroughly enjoyed the tale.

Overview; You have a solid concrete idea and I enjoy Francis. I cannot wait to make a curse arc, because that will be fuuun. However, just as I have told Akay, Dead, and now you. The personality strengths are weak. And do not shake up much. It lacks creativity and punch. However, this is not asking for a revision. If you want to revise it is up to you. Just as it is up to everyone else.

Verdict: Accepted
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Landaus Five-One
Raw
Avatar of Landaus Five-One

Landaus Five-One The Sadist Insaneous One

Member Seen 20 hrs ago

@AngelofOctober's Profile with Fire in my belly; sorry but I had to do a Fairy Tail reference. xD

Valeo's Profile

The first thing I got to say congrats on finishing this profile, it has been in the making. :)

Species:

This entire section + his description was amazing to read. It was very great to read all that orange text, in the full glory of everything. I loved the picture you drew of him. I enjoyed the updates in the gallery.

Persona:

His entire persona, his flaws, his strengths, his hobbies and even his skills are great. In terms its all compacted in one decent package of awesome. I still like his coffee habit, that gave me a smile.

Battle Profile:

His entire battle profile is great. I like the simplicity of his Axe, I definitely like his Ring of Animal Friends since it allows him to talk to animals, even though the old person he got it from, he sees it as unimportant. Magnar, his tiger cub friend. Who became his Tiger Mount is great. This battle profile feels concise and great.

Magic Profile:

I like all the smart comments, within the Magic section specifically his spell book, "My brain, is the spell book duh." <-- Though slightly different from what I wrote anyway but still the point get across.

I like that his focus, is literally everything that isn't in a big city ala, Primordial Magic. Kinda made me flashback to watching that one arc in Fairy Tail, where all the evil wizards were searching for it. Idk, why I got that thought into my head. I do like, it is unique compared to the schools of focus' other people have.

Sedation - A pretty unique counter spell, that increases the time of doing an action on anyone he uses it on. This is great spell.

Rupture - I loved this spell, since it can break a bone or break a non-magical weapon in half. And it was definitely shown in his tale, that was really fun to see that happened to those paladins. Hehe.

Abyssal Torture - This spell comes in different three flavors of hot sauce, the Blades is the Source Hot sauce. the fireballs is Cajohn's Bourbon Infused Chipotle Habanero Hot Sauce and finally the third and most dangerous option its like tasting a Ghost Pepper Hot sauce. I can't believe, I did a Hot Sauce Reference for a spell of all things.

Imitator - "Haha, you are dumb now I cast your spell at you and you die!" In terms, it is a great spell for mimic someone's spells that would be powerful or otherwise.

Misc Battle Info - I definitely like this battle info section, of his profile. Great job on everything in his battle profile / Magic profile section.

Your Tale of Oblivion:

Every single chapter of this tale felt like Valeo was going on a journey to find himself and then find Gertrude. In terms of the first parts before he ran into those religious nut jobs. This has been said already in the discord itself, but everything in this section is wonderful. Including all the song choices for each chapter. And his theme song fits too, and all the other music choices you picked for him. Even though I didn't really listen to all of it. Mostly because I wanted to read everything and imagine it with my own set of musical parameters, but it would've probably been a good idea to listen to the songs, when I was reading, probably would've been more immersive for me.

But nonetheless, it doesn't detract from the profile as a whole.

I am finished with my final profile review.

*snickers at my hot sauce reference, when reviewing the Abyssal Torrent Spell.* xD
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
Raw
Avatar of Akayaofthemoon

Akayaofthemoon

Member Seen 6 hrs ago

Valeo Review

@AngelofOctober

Okay, I am going to say it. I really really didn't want to let go of Idris but I love Valeo. His profile actually inspired me to want to kick some butt but also inspired me in terms of Celestials. I loved the stories and the subtle growth here and there for Valeo as a person. I love that his tale felt like it was full of signs and almost as if fate brought him where he needed to go. His skills are perfect for his personality and the coffee and bad poetry made me laugh. I feel like this was a great balance to the group and I really don't have anything negative that pops out at me. It was a very moving profile and I am impressed with everything you were able to do in such a short time frame. The length and personally drawing an amazing picture for your profile just a few of the things that come to mind.
1x Like Like
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by LemonZest1337
Raw
Avatar of LemonZest1337

LemonZest1337 Fresh and Zesty

Member Seen 3 mos ago

@AngelofOctober He be my review of Valeo.

Welp that was another long ass CS, a good read to be sure. Masterfully written as per usual, with the added bonus of a self drawn character art (I respect that shit, good job.) He does seem like a bit of an ass but for someone who went through what he has, I'd say he's doing alright not being a total anti life murder fuck machine.

Though when we get to his magic this is where I hit a bit of a snag. Rapture as it is now feels completely broken (no pun intended). Breaking armor and weapons that aren't enchanted is fine by me, but breaking bones that are still inside someone? I personally thing that's a little more potent than a Medium spell let alone a lesser spell. And the wording is kinda weird too, Any living creatures targeted by the spell will not be affected physically, instead most ordinary people will hear an internal crack. The spell instead breaks their bone. Not being affected physically? A broken bone seems pretty Physical. I honestly feel this spell needs to be change in some capacity, be it that it simply chips bones or that it just doesn't affect organics entirely (I know this messes with the story you have written) I mean what's to stop him from just breaking something skull and instantly kill it?

Now there is also him being able to pretty much just melt people's faces into juicy slag. Now he does need to get really close to pull this off, and it's not like they are just going to stand still as they feel themselves being turned to goo. Unless of coarse he breaks their leg using the aforementioned Rapture spell rendering them severely handicapped and pretty much done for.

I do understand he should be powerful, being the half spawn of Igni. But then that's just it, he's the half spawn of a vastly powerful demon lord of oblivion! What the hell does he need the rest of the people for? Not only does he not need them for protection because he is easily the most powerful, but he doesn't need them to be able to survive the wilderness because he already know how to do that better than everyone else too.

He just feels like the obvious "Main protagonist" or "Chosen one" who is simply better than the rest, and honestly doesn't need them. Unless he runs into some strong wizards then he's right as rain. I don't know if I'm misunderstanding his strength or anything like that, but it just feels like everyone else would be weighing him down on this adventure.

That major gripe out of the way I want to talk about all the shit I like, that being basically every other aspect of the CS. His occasional tactless way of speaking is for sure going to cause some tension at some point, and that I do look forward to. Him and Sith bring a little bit of fire to the table that is sure to get some shit cooking at times, making sure that the RP isn't a love fest the entire time. Him being half demon will give him something to talk about with Archy probably, and it'd also make him one of the two poor suckers who can't be healed by dear old Celestial sis.

I think Valeo is amazing, and the amount of effort and detail you put into him is astronomical. I just ask you take into consideration what I've said. Either way I'll love to see Archy break down all those barriers Valeo has put up with sheer adorableness. Archy will fall into the barriers if he needs to!

(edit. Me and Angel done the talk. And the fella seems alright after a good discussion.)
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
Raw
Avatar of AngelofOctober

AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

Member Seen 1 mo ago

@deadpixel101

I was told to do a review and honestly I was kind of avoiding doing so. So I remember the conversation we had about getting straight to point versus my long sheets. And while yes, my sheets were long, my descriptions are minimal a paragraph, and max two paragraphs. It is detailed, but it is simply detailed to get the picture. I am not trying to compare myself to you, what I am trying to point out is your simple philosophy bit you in the ass.

All your character right now is Magic and Battle Profile, without a name. Who is Simon? Because I do not know who he is. Your description is great, but flat. You forgot all the emotions and hand gestures and body language people use. You forgot to make your character alive because we present our appearances physically. His personality is painfully plain.

Generic flaws and generic strengths. And the tale. Makes me feel nothing. You just sum up stuff in the dryest exposition history that makes me shrugs. Who cares? Because I do not care. If you read the actual explanation of Arrival, it ask for their trials and tribulations. I got none of that from this sheet.

Simon does not make me excited. And it is probably, and I mean no offense, why he hasn't been included in much of other's CS. Because no one knows who Simon is and to be honest, I really do not care at the state he is. Cool an engineer. But he has no personality.

Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by deadpixel101
Raw
Avatar of deadpixel101

deadpixel101 Still Around

Member Seen 2 mos ago

Sheet Draft 2. Still working on it.

↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet