Name: Varkum Kristian Larson Vikerner
Nickname: Varg
Alias: Stop
Title: Grand Wizard of the Kool Kidz Klub
CB Handle: Aut(istic)-Righter
Slurs your frenemies call you: Vik, Varky, and worst of all, "Kris."
Pet name from your SO, if you're fortunate enough to have one because I haven't kidnapped them yet: my hero!
Species: Ubermensch
Race/ethnicity: ABSOLUTE NORDIC ARYAN!!1!
Gender: Mensch
Alignment: Good... ish.
Occupation: Kills threats to the natural human way of life, and then steals their shit. Occasionally does vocal shitposts on a Youtube channel. Now an even greater threat to tradition arises; some little shite who's too pussy to fight like a man. Sometimes he makes decent if albeit weird black metal music to sell.
Smart Bio:
Vark was an abortion in Valhalla and the garbage disposal broke so he fell to earth where he was nursed to health on welfare and free shit. He grew looking to the skies, and realising how he came to be. He was the unwanted son of the old Gods and wanted to make them proud so that he would be wanted, and worthy. As such he transcended time and space gaining some magical powers and guiding humanity along taking the shape of figures like the inventor of Kellog's cereal, Haile Selassie and now an unpopular black metal musician/political youtuber.
Seeing the world controlled by a non-traditional force (a politician too scared to lie to people's faces) he travels the world to seek out great heroes that will save the world, or at least be the heroes sung of by minstrels.
Powers:
Degenerates's Bane: a spell that makes the old Gods bring pain equivalent to a chainsaw held right to you on any and all sexual organs for as long as a minute (assuming the enemy does not die of shock from this). Needs his staff to do.
Invocation of Chaos: A God from a different pantheon makes a rain of frogs and toads ranging from two centimetres to a whole foot in size lasting anywhere from a minute to a whole day; when it ends, all in the radius of the spell hear the faint word "kek." Needs his staff for this.
Foretelling: Vark can make a post on an outdated internet board designed for people to discuss mongolian throat singing, anime, ugandan pottery, an adolescent cartoon about unicorns and pegasi, Balkan warfare and the history of mothballs; he can read the posts of others foretelling "happenings" or he himself can make a prediction; if he gets consecutive digits for the number of the post then his prophecy will be at least marginally true. Needs a phone or some other electronic and wifi that hasn't blocked 4chan and it's sister sites for this.
Shut the Fuck up Vark: He can sing an old song and so long as he sings it he has the equivalent of a stallhelm protecting himself all over his body and the equivalent of a stallhelm protecting his comrades' heads, though it takes up no space and weighs nothing whilst also being invisible. Needs his staff or some other item to tap along if he wants to do it for more than a minute or so.
Fireb
omball: the alcohol contents of a cheap 1L bottle of vodka go flying faster than sound at an enemy igniting upon contact.
Sword of Wotan: he can at any time summon in his hand an indestructible and quite large foam sword (admittedly with a metal rod within giving it lethality) forged in the halls of Ikea. Needs his staff to do this instantly; otherwise it takes about twenty seconds to materialise.
Nightmares: Those he dissapproves of that get within a kilometre of him will go to sleep very easily and for much longer than usual as well as instantly going into REM; they have horrible epiphany inducing nightmares usually making them never want to masturbate again.
Weapons: A big fucking gun and a kevlar vest under his robes, as well as a spare gun. Multiclassing, that's where it's at.
Appearance:
Other:
His staff is an ancient magic item handed down from the sage elders of days past, blessed by Gods of nearly every faith, indestructible but not particularly lethal either; it is two metres long and five centimetres wide weighing about twenty pounds if the plastic emerald embedded the top is included in that weight.
Human
