RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

[Bishop]

I vote for Calle.

The story reminded me of one of those children's tales which aim to teach a moral or lesson. I completely missed the lesson unless it was that "There is no fucking golden fish and life is meaningless, be the first to turn back and don't try so hard." or to simply be prepared when you go to do something so you don't end up like that fisherman who reached the end but achieved nothing. Cringe.

To be honest, this story impacted me so much that I decided to follow the first fisherman's example and turn back after the first part of the trip.

[Typical]

My vote goes to @Vocab's "Nomen." I enjoyed the piece's creativity and intriguing writing style, and I think that the narrator—in being a bit harder to follow—was quite entertaining.

Brief Review

The narrator seems to be intentionally choppy, but at the same time, some sentences can definitely be less choppy or interrupt the flow less. For one, the narrator knows how to use contractions, yet sometimes decides not to use them. For example:

I try and write, but it is hard.

@Vocab

"It is" can simply be "it's" here, and it would smooth out a lot better in my head (so this might just be a nitpicky thing on my end, haha). If the narrator, being some sort of AI or machine-like learner, didn't use contractions at all, I'd understand the contraction omissions, but the narrator does use contractions, so—apart from some contraction omissions for dramatic effect or emphasis—I feel that flow could be improved by including more contractions.

Another thing is grammatical errors. Now, since the narrator would probably make errors too, given their learning style, all grammatical errors can probably be blamed on the writing style. Still, though, they interrupt the flow of the story, and I feel that excluding them—except, again, when they're needed for effect or emphasis—might prove better for readability and flow. Here's an example of what I'm talking about:

The people wasn’t happy

@Vocab

I get that the narrator hasn't been exposed to words like "water" or "sun," but "wasn't" is an odd choice that seems unintentional. (This might just be an error, so pardon this particular example, but I maintain my point.) As another reviewer brought up, spellcheck would definitely help you cut these down, though this particular piece would be a headache even with spellcheck on account of the many intentional grammatical errors.

Also, I think I read in one of your posts that you rushed the end, but discovering the origin of the piece's title, "Nomen," was a tad disappointing. The last line fits, given the narrator, but, man, I was hoping it was the name of the person the narrator killed or something to the same effect.

And that's about it. Loved the idea, neat story, and hope to read another at the next contest!

[Loksfjoer]

My feedback is usually based on the story as a whole and the experience of me as the reader, but if I do notice grammar mistakes I will share them.
I have to say it's not easy to give a vote. There were things I liked in all entries and there were things I didn't like.

Nomen

Kudos for originality, I don't think I ever read a story like this.
It was hard to understand at first, but once I got used to the style it turned out to be an enjoyable story, which kept the reader as curious about the name as the main character.

It was hard to understand what was really going on though, or what had happened, since we only saw the world through the eyes of Nomen, whoever that is. And that's a kind of closure we never got. The story ended and the reader still doesn't know who or what it is.
We also didn't find out what happened, but I didn't mind.
You have a good ending, that last sentence is powerful.
What I would have liked was a reflective surface incorporated somewhere when Nomen reached the facility, so we can get a glimpse of what it looks like and form an image. Right now Nomen is still a blur, it could be a human, a robot, Frankensteins monster. Although human isn't likely because other humans didn't know what it was.

“Say, ‘Yes,’ and we can stay here forever.”

That was lovely. The way you described both the scenery and the appearance, gestures and mimic of the characters was really good. It was slow paced, but not too slow. The story took its time and allowed the reader to enjoy the travel, the scenery and the interaction between the characters. Questions about who these people were and why they wanted to climb the moment keeps readers interested.
While there were some things odd things happening, like how neither ate or drank during the travel, it didn't prepare me for what was really going on.

This is my personal opinion, but I'm not too fond of the ending. Of course it being personal I'm not asking you to change it. I dislike open endings like this. There is a really important decision to be made and Matthias doesn't make it. The story just ends.
I know that open endings are for the reader to fill in for themselves, some people like them, others don't. I'm one of the people want to read the full story, with either Matthias waking up or being happy with Cassie.
I don't mind them when it's obvious there is a follow-up, but since you put 'fin' at the end, the story stops there and I'm sitting here, staring at the sentence, wondering what Matthias chose.

Grammar-wise there is one thing I noticed: you often use the passive past tense instead of the active. You write 'he was doing', when you can use 'he did' instead. I'm not exactly sure about the rule here, but I think it has something to do with someone doing something is active, but when something is being done to someone/something then it's passive.

I'll give a few examples:
"Her gaze fell back to the grass, where Matthias was sitting", you can use 'where Matthias sat'
"A distorted impatience was driving her", you can use 'drove her'
"told him whatever he was feeling", you can use 'whatever he felt'

All three are from the same paragraph, which made it stand out even more.

This one: "He was going to be a man soon and needed the practice", I think 'he would be a man soon' fits it better.

One that stood out as well was in the paragraph where Cassie exclaimed how beautiful the flower is they found, you used 'was making' twice. For less repetition in the same paragraph, maybe one of the sentences could be reworded.

These aren't all the passive forms from the story, but I didn't want to point them all out. You'll probably find them when you go over the story again.

The high use of passive form instead of active is something that I did a lot as well, until someone pointed it out to me. Now I try to avoid the passive form when people do things and I guess that's why I notice it in other people's writing too.

Just passing

Well, we already talked about the forest part, so I'll skip that :)

There were parts I needed to read a few times to fully comprehend, so this story wasn't an easy read. Sometimes that was because of the words you used, sometimes because of the odd things that happened, like when the snake attacked the sabre-tooth tiger.
'Wait, where did the snake come from. The mouth? That can't be right *reads again* "A giant claw coated in green scales reached out from inside the mouth, and grabbed the tiger’s body." Huh, weird'

There were definitely some weird moments in the story and I liked that. It started simple enough, it's perfectly possible for someone to walk in a jungle with flowers. Although I have to say it wasn't until you used the word 'jungle' towards the end of that paragraph that I realized that's where he was, so placing the reader at the right scene in the beginning is not a bad idea.
As the story went on I thought the sabre-tooth tiger was strange, but it could be a fantasy story so I didn't think much of it.
Then there was the snake and things got weirder and weirder, but in a good way!

Weird stories can be fun, you're taken down a path and you have no idea where it will end and what you'll see. So I enjoyed that.

A confusing part was with the chicken. You called the creature a chicken until Ross started pushing the boulder up, then suddenly there is a 'pyrolisk'. I have no idea what that is. Does it still look like the chicken at this point? Everyone knows what a chicken looks like, so there's no need to describe it, but when you use either invented creatures or creatures that belong to a certain story or movie or game that not all people will know about, you might want to add a visual description so that the reader knows what it is.
I googled it now, so I know it's from Dungeons and Dragons, but when I read it I didn't have access to a search engine and suddenly there was this pyrolisk I couldn't do anything with. So that's a word of advice for the future.

And I have a question about the volcano part. The Pyrolisk says "Let me answer that snide remark, by asking my own question." What snide remark was it referring to? I read back, but I couldn't find it.

After the volcano there was "Unable to recall how he ended up here; face mummified with gauze and wearing a flowing tattered white robe." It sounds like Ross has bandage over his face and is wearing a white robe. Or is he looking at a mummy wearing a white robe? It's hard to tell.
Just like in the jungle the reader isn't placed at the scene, it's not really clear where he is and what he sees. In the sixth sentence a beam of light reveals a staircase, so I assume it was dark before that. Or maybe just the staircase. I don't know, either way, it would have been easier for the reader to show the area at the beginning and if it's just darkness, mention that. Let us know where he is and then continue describing from there.

I must say after this the story picked up. The sentences flowed better and the events were more comprehensible. And it became more interesting too with the talking about his mother, his thoughts, his feelings, the battle against the seaweed.

Overall I liked the story, it was well put together, there was definitely effort put into it and you certainly took the reader for an interesting ride. I like how his feelings intensify towards the end.
I think this story has a bit of an 'Alice in Wonderland' feel to it, where strange things happen and there is no clear link between them. Going from scene to scene and weird things keep happening for no apparent reason. Alice woke up and Ross ended at his mother's grave.
So yes, I enjoyed reading this.

With the feedback out of the way, it is time to vote

vote

Like I said, tough decision. In the end I vote for Nomen, because it was original and intriguing.

And finally @Bishop

Thank you for your feedback

I wish I could have given a laugh as well, I loved your feedback. XD
The moral was "Preparation is important", so you found it! I like the way you described it though :)
This is the meaning a friend read in it: "It showed the hardships people may face, which we tend to bring upon ourselves. Like, we can't make our dreams come true 'cuz we're standing in the way of them. And even when we are not the cause of our own demise, fluke accidents happen like the sprained ankle. Perseverance only gets us so far."
I'm glad you saw the story for what it was meant to be.

[Briza]

@Calle, thank you for your review! My grammar was not great, and I do have an addiction to being passive (not just in writing). Albeit, the story was written in roughly ten (10) or so days and was a rush job. (I'm still not sure if that is a valid reason or not.) I tried my best to go through it and did not do a very good job -- in more than several aspects.

Spoiler

The ending is actually that Matthias says, "No," and the memory of the dream lives on repeat somewhere in the recollections of Cassie's mind. She is asking him to die as so he can live with her in the Spirit Realm, but he decides not to say, "Yes," since it would be to his traditional principals some sort of suicide, hence why his name is Matthias, the name of the Apostle who took Judas' place in the Twelve Apostles of Jesus.

The story is actually an elaborate metaphor about a break-up between couple in which one is Catholic and one is Orthodox, and neither are willing to convert.

@BrokenPromise, thank you for your charitable review, as well, and thank you very much for your vote! (o˘◡˘o)

[wisteria]

@Calle has my vote. Idk it just seemed the most poignant to me even if it had the simplest writing.

[Frizan]

Okay, I think we've got a good bundle of votes. I'll close the thread, tally all the votes and announce the winner in the Trophy Case thread! Thank you all for participating!