Musings n' Dreams

[Hellion]

My brain is so terribly flawed,
But my heart,
It beats with so much love to give,
To pour into each dark and hurting part of you,
Fill the brighter moments with more light,
So that each time it goes dark again,
It won’t feel so alone,
My brain is dark and so terribly flawed,
But you will never feel unloved, unwanted,

[Hellion]

Some days,
I am light, simply that.
Those are the days where I can stand and stretch,
Able to face the world with a genuine smile,
And eyes that are not filled with fear,
Those are the days when I feel as though I am okay,
That I have somehow found myself among the footsteps,
Of the world around, where I could simply smile.

Other days,
I am so heavy, that I feel as though I am sinking,
Drowning slowly on land,
The days where I even stumble getting out of bed,
And want to crawl back into it, safe from myself,
Those are the days where I can’t see color anymore,
Where I feel as though instead of brightness,
My world around me has simply turned gray,
The smile plastered politely on my face,
Is the smile that I have come to hate the most,
Even more than the feeling I get where I glance in that mirror.

[Hellion]

Today is a day where I’m hiding.
I’m hiding in this bath,
Pretending for now that the water can heal me,
Patch up the cracks in my soul,
And fill the gaps in my heart.
I want to submerge myself under,
And then find that I don’t,
Want to come back up.

[Hellion]

My apologies for being born,
It seems lately,
All I have brought you is scorn,
You wish you hadn’t,
Wished you had given me up,
To be raised by another,
Your regret is obvious,
Anger in constant storm,
I am not simple.

[Hellion]

Do you ever have those times
where you wish you could just disappear
from everyone’s lives,
to protect them from yourself?

Where you could go and get lost,
and never have to worry about causing
those you care about to hurt,
because you aren’t there to cause
them that ache anymore?

Where you can simply protect everyone from

[Hellion]

My voice cracks,
When I open my mouth to speak to you,
Not because I don’t have things to say,
I simply have to hold back,
All the words that rush through my head,
When I glance at you,
They’re words I can’t say anymore,
And it hurts to adore you so,
Knowing that I’m not enough to make you,
Want to stay, to have stayed.
What I’m trying to say,

Is that I’m so broken right now, torn right through,
Everyone wants to me be fine,
So I get through the days, fill them,
Smile and laugh for the show,
Play the role I’m told I should play,
There’s enough noise in my head,
Why should you hear the static, too?

[Hellion]

I don’t know, it’s like I wake up some mornings
and feel every bit of sadness within me,
I can feel it closing me in, drowning me,
and it turns my world grey.

It breaks my heart to feel
so much sadness all at once

[Hellion]

Music makes me feel more alive
than I can even make myself feel sometimes.
It makes it feel like colors are sparking in my soul,
and my heart is so full it may burst.

It makes everything warmer for a little bit,
like it chases away the gray that looms.

[Hellion]

I’ve had more days where I feel,
Like this world is not mine to tread upon,
But I’ll continue to share my life on it,
For the hearts of those who look up to me.

[Hellion]

All my apologies for being born,
It seems lately,
All I have brought you is scorn,
You wish you hadn’t,
Wished you had given me up,
To be raised by another,
Your regret is obvious,
Anger in constant storm,
I am not simple.

[Hellion]

There are days where I glance in the mirror,
And stare at the reflection staring back at me.
I study the face that’s staring back at mine,
And then, I wrap my arms around her,
Because I realize she is the person I neglect the most,
The person I always forget to

[Hellion]

I laid in bed and thought,
I laid in my underwear and thought of all nights passed,
Of late night drives, fast music, and chain smoking cigarettes,
I dreamt of the past and things said,
Of words I should have said, and memories of what I had.
I dreamt of new places, new faces,
A start where I had nothing at all.
A clean slate, less familiar faces, dreams of running far.
Places where memories wouldn’t swamp,
Where I wouldn’t always feel the need to curl up, or run.
Today I dreamt of running away,
A place where I can stay, and not come back,
Ad never have to worry about hurting again.

Today, I simply dreamt.

[Hellion]

There comes a time,
When every dreamer simply wishes to stop dreaming.
Where they want to close their eyes,
And not see the faces they miss,
Not agonize over things they wish to change,
Or to rewind to go back.

There comes a time,
When every dreamer,
Wants to simply stop their dreaming,
To forget those they dream over,
Who they’ll miss forever.
There comes a time where every dreamer,
Wants to simply

[Hellion]

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
A reflection I don’t recognize,
nor do I want to know sometimes.

I see a body battered and bruised
by wasted time and careless whispers.
I see a shadow of self laughing and taunting.

I see a smile that is fake
and a monster staring back.

[Hellion]

I will run and hide,
away from memories and false ideas,
from those who wish only ill-will.

I will run and hide,
to a place only I know of,
a place only I can control.
Sometimes.

I will run and hide into
the darkest part of myself
for fear of the

[Hellion]

I’ll stay up all night,
Smoking cigarettes, even though I shouldn’t,
Creating dark circles to shadow my eyes,
Because the burning in my lungs, my throat,
Is better than the burning left in my chest,
From not having you here.

[Hellion]

I know I am a mess.

Try as I might, there was always yelling at the end of the day,
I was broken by his hands across my skin,
Leaving ghosts along my skin that only I can still see,
The shadows of the bruises, echoes of his screams,
Joined by the scars left on my skin from my own hand,
Searing in the hate that fueled his anger at me.

His fingerprints left imprints pressed in my brain,
And from his words hurled my way,
Raging and tossing as the ocean does with crashing waves,
They washed over me, pulling me further from shore,
Until even my bones felt so heavy, I sank the the ocean floor.

Drowning, until I braved the swim,
Remembering that if I fought to keep my head above long enough,
I could eventually escape him.

But six years simply can’t be fixed with two more.

[Hellion]

◈

You never loved me,
but a mere phantom image
of what you thought I should be.

◈

[Hellion]

◈

A hurtful relationship
is made up of:

Two Victims.
Two Assailants.
And two loving people who are
absolutely blind to their own
razor sharp edges.

◈

[Hellion]

◈

Countless people helped
in forging my armor of insecurities.
While many have tried to chop away,
looking for weak areas of burden to smite.

None but one had ever been able
to take it down and inspire me
to embrace life without it.

◈