Musings n' Dreams

[Hellion]

I am not going to apologize for struggling with anxiety.

I’m not going to apologize for the fact that it happens in public
and sometimes I don’t even know the reason why.

I’m not going to apologize for your anger
because you don’t take the time to listen or understand it.

I’m not going to apologize for the actions or choices you make from your anger,
because again, my anxiety is not something I have to apologize about.

[Hellion]

I’m not going to apologize for the fact
that you don’t know how to help with it.
Or try to help, because I’ve expressed it many times,
and you just haven’t really listened.

I’m not going to apologize for you not listening.
I’m not going to apologize for feeling hurt.

I’m not going to sit here and hate myself for having anxiety.

I am not going to tear myself apart again because I’m not perfect.

I struggle with Anxiety, and why can't you see that?...

[Hellion]

Staring at my bottle of pills on the shelf,
eyes burning, heartbeat racing.

Palms cold and clammy, grasping around myself,
desperately, holding on to myself,
nails digging in to my skin,
reminding myself that I am real.

It scares me, how easily the thought comes,
to down the entire bottle.

Sleep, sleep, better than I have in years,
tired from waking each day,
to fight off the same demons from the day before,
to get lost in the quiet, forget my fear.

How can my brain be so bright,
but also be...

[Hellion]

I see it in their eyes,
And I can hear it in their voices.
The looks of pity,
Or the wagging of their heads,
Acting as if I am small and confused,
A child in need of help.

[Hellion]

You’ve told me I was beautiful on the outside
as though I was just another doll to display on your mantle.

But what about on the inside?
Is it only darkness to you?
Am I merely a husk?

An empty, soulless, superficial vessel?

[Hellion]

Since death stole you from me,
I dreamed of your return.
The day you would wrap me in your arms,
and whisper in my ear:

"I'll never leave your side."

But wherever you are now,
I hope I'm making you proud.

[Hellion]

You try to be subtle, but I know the truth.
Even when others are around, you do your
best to ignore me, or pretend I don't exist.

If that wasn't enough, your words speak only poison.
Venomous, like a serpent hiding in the shadows.

As though we were teenagers still. Sticks n' Stones.

But the pettiness has never left you has it?
The sickness seems to carry on throughout your life,
but why do you intend on bringing me down?

[Hellion]

A week ago, I could smile,
And not have to worry about people seeing through it,
Because it was real.

Now,I’m fighting to keep my demons at bay,
To keep the dark from getting back in,
Because I’ve grown used to living in the light,
To laughing, feeling that joy once again.

But today, I am too tired to fight,
I’ve been taking care of myself for so long,
That I sometimes forget that I am all I can rely on,
I am who I have to take on this battle with,

But I’m just so tired, And some days,
All I can think about is not fighting anymore,
Snuffing out my spark.

[Hellion]

△

You are the drug in my veins.
And I'm waiting to feel it again.

Your poison I cannot deny.
Words that hold only lies.

You are the drug in my veins.
And I'm waiting to feel it again.

▽

[Hellion]

I crave intimacy right about now.

The kind with comfortable clothes,
and soft sheets.

With warm arms wrapped around me,
And your body pressing against mine.
Fingers placed on my hip,
Or the sensation of fingertips
Running across my exposed skin,
Sending chills down my spine,
But reminding me that I’m safe all the while.

Gentle kisses that slowly grow,
Until we feel as though we both might
Burst from the taste of warmth and sunset
Passing between our lips.

[Hellion]

The light is so distant. Much further than before.

You offered me that light so freely as a child.
A light I held in the dark places of life,
when I was afraid.

You were there to blot out the nightmares.

But you were taken before your time.
Before I was ready to say goodbye.
I continue searching for that light,
the one you promised would never go out.

I can't do this alone. I won't.

I need you with me as I enter the shadows.

[Hellion]

I find myself fallen into a maze;
The flowering vines along the walls
Had tempted me to enter.

I awake from my dreams to see
The beauty of the maze twisted to
Fears beyond hope.

I look back, my footprints stolen;
No memory remains.
Did the devil lead me here,

[Hellion]

I dreamt of you last night.
Not because I wanted to though.
I have no control over that.

You invade my mind like a plague,
spreading your lies and deceit
before leaving like you always do.

Abandoning me to my own
darkened cell as I drown in tears
that should never be shed for a
demon such as you.

[Hellion]

Sitting alone in the dark corner.
Knees against my chest, head in my hands.
Watching the tears run from eye to floor.
Happiness left my soul, now so dark and cold.

Life in my eye is no longer shown.
If only I could escape these chains and cuffs
And once again run from my thoughts.

I am a prisoner of life.
Contaminated by this strife.
With Death hanging by my side
Black tears were all I cried.
Anger was built up in my blood
All the revenge is creating a flood.
These chains will one day break.
You is all I will seek.

Like a snake I will slither.
Once you sleep I will smother.
Look at me now, try to read my heart
All my love and joy is forever departed.

You shouldn't have locked me away.
To think I was once your little girl.
This is what you made me, sick and angry.
I am a prisoner of life.
Contaminated by this strife.
With death hanging by my side

[Hellion]

My life is filled with
boundless things to be happy about.
But right now, I can’t find them,
and I am all I have to rely on.

As much as I’d like to find that joy in me again,
My mind is at such an active war,
That I’m not even sure of anything anymore,

So instead of sleeping,
I’m writing letters to everyone important to me,
Simply because I scare myself right now,
And I can’t leave them without a thing,
If the darkness does win.

The saddest part is, I don’t want it to,
But it just might.

I can’t find my spark anymore, to light my flame.

[Hellion]

Twice you’ve invaded my mind.
Twice your ethereal presence poked at me;
Tugged at my heartstrings.
We laid, face-to-face.
I could feel the warmth of your breath,
The heat radiating from your fair skin.
I didn’t want it to end.

Ever.

I went to reach for you, however,
And no matter how hard I struggled to touch you,
I was unable.

The more I tried, the further away you became.
I could no longer gaze into your eyes
and see the contentment I longed for.

I could see nothing but an endless void.

[Hellion]

I am my own garden,
wildflowers grow on me.
But she came along,
not to dig holes but graves.
Then you came along,
you didn’t plant
a single kind word.

I let you water my plants
but as they began to sprout
you drowned and buried them
under the graves she made.

I am my own garden
and I will start digging holes.

I am my own garden
and I will start planting seeds.

[Hellion]

I don’t know, it’s like I woke up one day,
looked at my hands and felt the ache in my feet
from being on them for so long each day,
and I realized that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me.

I could do it myself.

I looked in the mirror and ran my fingers over the glass.
Studied the face there, eyes piercing into mine,
looked at the dark circles forming there.
Scanned each plateau and sharp angle of my face,
and suddenly saw the warrior under there.

Found the warrior that fought for themselves,
because they found worth in their life.

Those eyes held galaxies in them, galaxies of fire.
They held the understanding that my life mattered,
no matter how many times I wanted to snuff it out.

How I felt, mattered.

For the first time in my life,
I understood what it meant to be alive,
what it meant to matter.

[Hellion]

They don't know how it feels.

To awake every morning,
and all they can wonder is
why they had even awoken.

To pick up all of their pieces,
and put them back together
but still feel like they're broken.

To say all that they can say,
and still feel like there's more
but every word has been spoken.

They don't know how it feels.

To go to sleep every night, 
and the only hope they have
is that their eyes will not open.

[Hellion]

I am not the same person I was six months ago,
I will not be the same person I am six months from now.
I am constantly growing, learning, and changing myself.
I am changing for the better, even on the days when I
Feel so heavy that I can hardly breathe.

I am good, even when I make mistakes.
My mistakes do not tell the story of who I am,
Who I will be, or define me.
I have moved mountains and caused bridges to burn at the same time.
It is okay, I am okay. I am energy, constantly in motion and changing.
And just like energy, I can never be destroyed.