Musings n' Dreams

[Hellion]

Load your bullets in the firing chamber,
and they’ll fly from your lips,
Ricochet and lodge past the scarce armor
of my ribcage into this glass heart of mine.
Don’t let my insecurities bleed out.
Don’t stop the flow.

Pierce my skin with the shards of my heart.
End my misery. Squeeze the trigger with practiced ease.
It’s the only thing you’ve ever been good at.

[Hellion]

I simply reached a point
where I was tired of my
heart hurting over you.

Tired of the nights where
my mind whispered your name
over and over though I could
never forget it, and my eyes
grew black and blue from tears
shed and lost sleep.

Tired of your memory haunting me,
taunting me with false hope
and dreams my fingertips brushed,
but could never fully reach.

It hurt enough to drive me crazy.

Tired of the flowers that
grew from my soul,
nurtured from the light of you,
so beautiful that it hurt
to look at them,
so, I ripped them out.

And I bled. God I bled,
and bled until the tub
around me ran with it,
changed color with my pain.

And then, I could close
my eyes again, and sleep
without your ghost
hovering around me.

[Hellion]

I love late night walks,
Because I don’t have to pretend.
I don’t have to smile,
or make it always look like I’m okay.

My mind can wander to where I like,
Instead of constantly keeping a hold on it.
I can walk under the moon, in the darkness,
And forget how much I miss you,
Not have to pretend,

[Hellion]

The most terrifying thing for me?
It’s that I’m standing at this crossroad,
Going ‘round and 'round with myself,
Still unsure of what foot to step with,
Towards the path I want to take.

[Hellion]

Let me tell you,
That if I ever lost you again,
I think I’d go completely and utterly mad.

Missing you is missing a piece of me,
And I’d spend the rest of my life wandering around,
Searching all over for you again,
Looking for that missing part of me.

You see, I compared your eyes to the ocean once,
From that day, you’ve been my ocean,
And your waves have been my home.

Never will a day pass where I don’t love you.

[Hellion]

I’d like to slip under in this bath,
Escape from the sound,
Of the world surrounding me,
To simply listen to the muted sounds,
This water creates,
And listen to my own thoughts clearly,
To scream and not be heard,
And then sometimes,
I find that I don’t want to come back up.

[Hellion]

I once felt hope.
I sometimes still believe in this,
but each moment a little less.

My smile hides my tears.
My laugh hides my screams.
It's been this way for years.
Things aren't as they seem.

[Hellion]

Those few words
you whisper to me
each night were enough
to save me.

[Hellion]

I walk into a room.
People? More than two.
I don't want to feel nervous,
But I do. That nagging tick.

I want to continue, to stay.
So I force myself,
"It's for the better", I whisper.
But the nervousness is there, ever present.
It mocks me, it's cackle echoes for an eternity.

I feel like the stranger in a strange land.
The weird one no one cares for, and is easily ignored.
Perhaps fading into the woodwork would help.
But my anxiety tells me I don't belong, regardless.

I stay. I deal with the push-back of self.
I try to act normal. It's hard you know.
When all you want to do is go.

[Hellion]

I sit across from you,
Eyes locked, smile from ear to ear
Glasses half full. Half empty?

But eyes that once focused on me,
No longer stayed there.
"Distracted much?" I'd ask.
But the answer never came verbally.
It was body language, and nothing more.

The sea was too vast
Not to be carried by its current,
Thrashed around from time-to-time.
But your heart lusted for another
In that sea of chaos.

And I had to learn
to get up from the table
when love was no longer being served.

[Hellion]

When darkness falls,
She will sit in it,
Rest, gather her strength.

And then she will
Rise like the sun.

[Hellion]

We cut and kill flowers
Because we think they're beautiful.

But we cut and kill ourselves
Because we think we are not.

[Hellion]

not when no one
cares about you,

But when someone
you expect to care
doesn't care about
you at all.

[Hellion]

I wore my anxiety
like a sweater,
my depression
like a mask.

They had the
audacity
to tell me
it was
all in my head...

[Hellion]

You have shed
a thousand skins
to become
the woman you
are today.

And if you
ever feel overwhelmed
by the many people
you once were,
remember,
your bones have grown,
but what makes them
has never changed.

[Hellion]

She stood in the hall
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background

[Hellion]

each bouncing off my window.
The ants are in great pain
and they cry out as they hit
as if their little legs were only
stitched on and their heads pasted.

And oh they bring to mind the grave,
so humble, so willing to be beat upon
with its awful lettering and
the body lying underneath
without an umbrella.

Depression is boring, I think
and I would do better to make
some soup and light up the cave.

[Hellion]

Your image
that was once
my precious possession
has now become the
cause of my suffocation.

[Hellion]

When I woke up.
The sun fell to the ground and rolled away
Flowers beheaded themselves
All that's left alive here is me
And I barely feel like living.

[Hellion]

There are no words to describe
how beautiful she is,
or how special she is,
or my love for her.

To put these things into words
would be to define them,
to quantify them, which means,
to limit them.

There would be no beginning and an end.

There is no definition fitting, nor any limit
nor beginning or end to her beauty,
or how special she is,
or my love for her.