Musings n' Dreams

[Hellion]

I sometimes feel confused.

What are we?

What am I to you?

A friend? A lover?
Am I to be dressed
Like your favorite doll?
Displayed on your mantel
for all to see?

One day you are close,
the next, you are out of reach.

And yet, why am I so afraid of
of losing you when
you aren't even mine?...

[Hellion]

The scariest thing
I ever had to encounter
wasn't a ghost, or a big
scary monster.

It was the reflection
I saw as I gazed into
the mirror.

The moment I had to face
all the dark parts
I tried hard to erase.

Yet as I look a bit closely
at the eyes staring back at me,
I realize they were still there.

Untouched and unphase.
Waiting for the day to be
let out of their cage.

[Hellion]

"I cared a lot once." she admitted wrly
"And it ruined me. So now I don't
care for much at all. I work in extremes
like that."

[Hellion]

My anxiety is an axe murderer,
with a flower in its hand.
It urges me to slay myself,
with ill-will and poetic demand.

With bitters and salt.
With honey and malt.

Grains of irreconcilability through me,
malleable like mountains in desert sands.

[Hellion]

Bitter words thrown with venom,
angry voices, raised again.

Tongues that would just not be bitten,
things you can't take back again,
bubbling emotions overspill,
and here we go yet again.

But let another wield their anger,
and together we bond again.

Strong together, we watch our backs,
until another argument cracks.

[Hellion]

I asked her if she believed in love.
She merely smiled and said it was her
most elaborate method of self-harm.

[Hellion]

I took your absence
as a sign to move on.
Now the melody has changed
and I sing a new song.

My heart, broken blue
my mind split in two.
And yet I gained peace
at the loss of you.

I took the heartache
and I learned a lesson.
I began after we ended
you leaving was my blessing.

[Hellion]

I once felt loved; significant even.
Your words meant something.
Each syllable a brush stroke of beauty.

But time is cold. It can change a person.
You weren't the same person I fell for.
Once the thought of you brought smiles.
But what is left is empty. A void.

I became a means to an end.
A piece in your life game.
A front-line warrior until,
I became useless. Dead.

You worried about losing me at one time,
yet, it was your wall of ice that pushed me away.

Checkmate.

[Hellion]

She was powerful
not because
she wasn't scared
but because
she went on
so strongly
despite the fear.

[Hellion]

A bruise is tender
but does not last,
it leaves me as
I always was.

But a wound I take
much more to heart,
for a scar will always
leave its mark.

And if you should ask me
which you are,
my answer is-

[Hellion]

I'm
depressed, sad, hurt, lonely
unloved, judged, misunderstood,
insignificant, broken
Fine

[Hellion]

Kiss me now
Before lips peel
And my skin withers.

Kiss me now
Before my hair fades
And my hands wrinkle.

Kiss me now
Before the light fades from my eyes
And all is left unspoken

Kiss me now
As we are dying anyway.

[Hellion]

I drank because it was a little less
toxic than the sensation of drowning.
Swaying to the music, I could forget.

The waves pulling me under for a moment.
I searched for comfort among cold, hallow people.
Bones had never shown love and that didn't change.

I was left to my pernicious thoughts.
"Women shouldn't be morbid", you say,
but we aren't made of love.

[Hellion]

I never truly realized
what it meant to hurt
until I wanted you
to such a great extent,
only to have no other choice
but to convince myself
that I didn't.

[Hellion]

When you were little
if you fell
they would ask you
where it hurt.

You would point to
your knees, your arm,
or your elbow
and they would
make it better.

But as you got older,
you noticed, if you fall,
they don't ask you
where it hurts.

You sit silently in your room
waiting for someone to ask you
where it hurts as you point
to your head and your heart.

Because that is where the pain
hurts the most

[Hellion]

Every night she lies awake
Blaming insomnia.

But it's her troubled thoughts
That keep her restless.

Wondering if she will ever
Find peace with her mind.

[Hellion]

I don't know how
to tell you that I'm broken
without feeling needy.

I don't know how to open up
without feeling judged.

I don't know how to cry
when my tears feel like acid.

I just need you to see
that I am hurting
without me telling you.

My words are bleeding
out of my mouth,
waiting for you
to stitch me up
and make me better.

Although I know
that's not your job,
and you're better off
without me.

I just need you
to see me

[Hellion]

I miss you.

I've started writing
that text so many times.

But then I remember
that if you wanted to
talk to me, you would.

[Hellion]

△

I'm afraid love
doesn't always
work out
that way.

Just because
you love summer,
doesn't mean
it can stay.

▽

[Hellion]

oh to be inside you
to feel you close in on me
to see your eyebrows raise skyward
and hear your voice lose all control.

but then the dream is gone
and I lay in an empty bed
beside I ghost I never knew.