Musings n' Dreams

[Hellion]

but will never
lose the pieces.

I will always
see the picture
that they create,
and my hands
bloody, cracked,
trembling, and tired,
will never stop
fumbling to put
them back together.

[Hellion]

My anxiety is an axe murderer,
with a flower in its hand.

It urges me to slay myself,
with ill and poetic demand,
and bitters and salts,
and honey and malt,
grains of irreconcilability through me,
malleable like mountains,
in desert sands.

[Hellion]

Always a wanderer.
Walker of stars.

I am both the host
and the parasite.

And maybe it is the knowledge
that nothing is permanent
that sets this soul

[Hellion]

Everyone has that one friend
They'd choose over anyone.
To talk to.
Hang out with.
It doesn't matter.
They're always the first choice.

I get any empty feeling
In the depths of my chest
When I realize
I'm not that friend
To anyone.

[Hellion]

To be stronger
for another
leaves you empty
beyond space.

Without breath
waiting for
yourself
to return.

Still, I prefer
it to being stronger
for myself...

[Hellion]

All I ask
is a little
consideration.

Like the one
I give,
but you lack

[Hellion]

But I was busy.
Just not in the way
most would understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I was okay.

Sometimes this is my "busy",
and I will not apologize for it.

[Hellion]

If I could take away,
The anger. The pain.
The ball-busting.
The Shame.

We would be stripped
Of our armor.
Two naked souls
Standing astride.
Defenseless and
Exposed.

And we would
Just be.

[Hellion]

I'm drowning,
and you're
standing
three feet
away shouting:

"Learn how to swim!".

[Hellion]

There's something profound
about not knowing your surroundings.
Not seeing the color of things
as they appear, but as they truly are.

There's something about the unknown.
The quiet. The cold. The solitude.

There's something about being alone
with your unfiltered thoughts.

There's something unspoken
about the darkness.

[Hellion]

Silly little girl
Don't fool yourself.
They see your scars
But don't want to help.

Little do they know
How much could change
With three little words:

[Hellion]

It is a breath never released.
Suffocation of your lungs
And the whole of your mind.

It is a clock that never
stops ticking; the constant
click from past to present.

Time never ends.

Neither does anxiety.

[Hellion]

The world is so big and beautiful.
Much bigger than I am.
That’s why the world will
Always be much brighter than myself.

I wish I could see through your eyes.
I wish I could see how you see me.

But reflections only reveal a
person I never knew.

[Hellion]

You want my attention.
But you don't acknowledge me.

Your signals are crossed.

You want something but give nothing.

Make a decision before
the decision is made for you.

[Hellion]

Am I naive or perhaps optimistic?

Maybe I see intent as genuine.

I guess in this world I am naive.

I am naive to believe that

[Hellion]

The scars that I have
Are like the stars.

For they only
Sparkle at night.

[Hellion]

I watch you walk away from me,
And the tears start to fall.
I ask myself a million times,
How did we lose it all?

For the first time I had no words
That to you I could say.
I cling to old memories
And I watch you walk away.

I just don't want to let you go,
But inside I know I must.
My heart's whimpering with pain,
But it's my mind I trust.

There's confusion around me,
There's numbness in my heart,
But looking at you walk away
My world just fell apart.

If only I could handle it
And bear to just say,
I'd use my breath and say the words:

[Hellion]

She had a wild
And wandering soul.

But when she loved,
She loved with chaos.

And that made
All the difference.

[Hellion]

I know that I don't own you,
And Perhaps I never will.
So my sadness when you're with her
I have no right to feel.

I know that you don't owe me,
And I shouldn't ask for more.
I shouldn't feel so let down,
All the times you don't call.

What I feel I shouldn't show,
So when you're around I won't.

I know I have no right to feel it,

[Hellion]

I forgive the people
Who drown me.

Because
I don’t understand
How a person
Could roll the words
“I’m sorry”
Off their lips
And not mean it.