[OOC] Absolute Comics - Season Two: The Monster Within

[mickilennial]

I'm glad you finally found that pack of smokes.

@Hillan

Do you just think I run on whiskey and cigarettes or something? I'm not Ernest Hemingway.

[Hillan]

<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Do you just think I run on whiskey and cigarettes or something? I'm not Ernest Hemingway.

@Inkarnate

I've read the post. I know you're not.

Mwah.

[mickilennial]

I've read the post. I know you're not.

Mwah.

@Hillan

Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.

[Hillan]

<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.

@Inkarnate

Yeah. That's what I meant.

[Stein]

I wish RPG had a "love" button for that sheet.

@Byrd Man

Well good golly, Miss Molly I think I'm blushing now!

Dammit, now I have to keep up the good work.

Stein's clearly trying to take my position of best character proposal banner with this obviously mediocre attempt.
_{That looks really fucking good, Stein. I like it.}

@Retired

Biiiitch. I love a good read.

You're right! I will step my pussy up next time.

<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.

@Inkarnate

Oh thanks, gurl. I needed a good laugh for today.

[mickilennial]

[Supermaxx]

Don't be a dick.

This has been a public service announcement from the Board of Truth.

[Lord Wraith]

Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!

[Byrd Man]

Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!

@Lord Wraith

[Xandrya]

I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

_{But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired}

[mickilennial]

I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

_{But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired}

@Xandrya

Looking forward to it!

[Hound55]

I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

_{But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired}

@Xandrya

I'll hold the door! Run!

[Supermaxx]

Can't wait for more Raven, personally. Glad to know you're still around!

[Stein]

@Inkarnate

Oh! I legitimately JUST watched this episode today with my friend on my quest to foster an obsession for anime in him.

Don't be a dick.

This has been a public service announcement from the Board of Truth.

@ComradeMaxx

We stan an all-knowing entity.

Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!

@Lord Wraith

Fiiiiine.

[Retired]

@Hound55

As requested:

First Post:

Aside from your banner taking up 20% of the entire post, solid opener. The beginning monologue immediately pulled me in and left me wanting to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors (such as no apostrophes on possessive words) spread about that you could catch with ease if you read your posts before submitting them. I wish you would, but that's your choice, I'm trying not to focus on those kinds of things in these reviews unless they're to a degree that bothers me. I do, however, suggest you italicize instead of capitalizing words you want to stress.

Huh. You are now the second person I know who double spaces between sentences. So weird.

As someone who had big plans for him during my short-lived runs as Spider-Man, I appreciate that you're using Abner Jenkins. Definitely looking forward to seeing how you utilize him. And I like that you're tying in designs for his Beetle suit to Ted's in this manner (I assume). Solid concept.

Really loving your characterization of Ted. Both his total recall memory, as well as observational wit. I also cannot stress enough how much I appreciate that you are fully giving Ted the credit he deserves for his genius intellect. The guy is arguably smarter than Bruce Wayne, and a better inventor, but it's rarely shown in comics because writers have dumb hard-ons for Batman. I know part of his schtick is that he's not often taken seriously by the hero community, but I'm happy you're going this route regardless.

This is an example of first-person narrative that works. Also helps that you're doing present tense. It's interesting how you're blending Ted's POV in with the first-person omniscient style, but it suits what you're doing.

Second Post:

Update: I was wrong. B.E.E.T.L.E. suit and Ted's BB suit not entirely linked. Still cool, though. Disappointed you didn't go all in on the trope-y silliness and name the patent as 833-713 (BEETLE). Regardless, I'm loving the exposition.

Be careful, though, that your sentences don't get too wordy. I don't mean technical jargon, I mean unnecessary, additional words. There's more than a few occasions where you have extra phrases and articles that can cause your writing to become clunky and awkward. And be careful of tautologies. These all relate to syntax and diction choices and are largely solved by reading through your posts out loud. I feel like that's something I'll likely repeat a few times for your review, but it's also a problem you already are aware of. You just need to make the effort to correct it.

Also, nice fast food advertisement reference. I got that.

The Farley Fleeter vs man in green scene got slightly confusing. Wasn't entirely clear who Farley was, nor his significance. Like, why is this weirdly named advertising agent being hired for shady non-advertising business? Obviously some of this you may have wanted to keep unspoiled, but I'd have liked a little more substance here, personally. I don't know, took me out of the scene as I had to reread it, but this particular critique may be entirely me. I am rather dumb.

Using "torch" from an American perspective can be odd, but that's clearly a very minor nitpick. Just something I noticed.

I'd also recommend, in general, spelling out uncomplicated numbers. Sometimes you'll say twenty-six, other times you'll put 6. The former is correct, and maintaining continuity between your forms will keep things fluid and not risk a reader being taken out of the moment. Again, though, relatively minor.

Third Post:

Was the blue writing in the first scene meant to be verbal dialogue? Because there were no quotation marks. Or was this a thought-based tech Kord was using? Oh, wait. Nevermind. You used some funky colors for the quotation marks that weren't visible unless I stuck my face against the monitor or highlighted the line. Please don't do that lol.

Man. That poor A.I. gets no respect.
But, this post was a "good time."

Fourth Post:

Interesting recap. Your wacky omniscient, first-person narrator style is interesting for sure. But it works for what you're doing. I'm enjoying it, at least. Aside from the "(***Again, sorry about the spoilers...***)" bit which I felt took me out of the writing for a moment.

Phew. You went back to non-weird, alternating color schemes. That's a relief.

Multiple lines of separate dialogue from different people in the same paragraph are no bueno. I know you were going for a montage sort of deal in that paragraph, but it never really works out, and it looks jarring and clunky.

When you have such extraordinarily long periods of dialogue, I think you should toss in some exposition here and there. Obviously, you must know this as this is something you have joked about constantly lately, but the point remains. Especially when it comes to segments that aren't just dialogue, but rapid back-and-forths for an extended time. Doesn't even have to be something detailed, just a line or two here and there to break up the monotony.

That being said, I enjoy Ted's banter.

Fifth Post:

Man. Hank sucks at texting.

Similarly to my appreciation of Ted's brilliance being established, I appreciate Pym getting the same treatment. He's the Scientist Supreme in Marvel for a reason, yet his genius is so often overlooked compared to Reed's and Tony's, despite being their equal or even better in some regards.

Not gonna lie, the transitions from bolded yellow to that red for the dialogue made me worry I'd get a headache.

How old are these incarnations of Hank and Janet meant to be? I'm assuming late thirties early forties based on context, but at times I get an old man feel from Hank.

I'm interested in seeing more of your characterization for Hank. At times his awkwardness feels close to being on the spectrum. Curious if you intend to tie that into his quirky brilliance or not.

Sixth Post:

Ted's a good friend. And a good guy. I approve.

Scott Lang name drop and potential Ant-Man shenanigans: check.
Hint at Ultron assistant incoming: check (I think?).
Intriguing me and keeping me interested in the ongoing plot: double check.

I like how you're handling the unhinged Pym dynamic. Keeping Jan worried for what he'll do, but not just going straight wife-beater Pym, which I have always hated. I also appreciate that you're addressing the fact that these discoveries and technologies the comic characters create could be used for legitimate world-wide issues and cure real problems, and not just punch bad guys in the face. I get annoyed by that in comics. So, definitely like that.

I'm not sure if intentional or not, but you keep switching between bolded and regular text for Kord. At first, I thought you were trying to display when he was being louder, but that doesn't seem to be the case judging from his speech before the experiment.

Also, love that Hank, but primarily Jan, figured out Ted's secret after a single outing. Subvert those cliches!

---

In conclusion, I'm enjoying your story a lot. I like the way you handle the narrative. But, you absolutely need to proofread your stuff before you post. It'll take you much less time reading it out loud beforehand than it does for you to continuously panic then reread through things after the fact. And, also, just keep an eye out for when your dialogue exchanges go too long without breaks of (minor) exposition. Both of those will help maintain your flow.

Good stuff, though, looking forward to the next post! Crossing my fingers Ted shows up to the expo in a meat suit. They've got the bigass bacon all ready for the material.

[Stein]

Alright folks and GM's,

"Building Churches in the Wild," Issue 1/(CS Sample post) of Baal's adventures is now finished. Check it out!

Xoxo

[Roman]

Hey everybody! Doc's back!

[DocTachyon]

Hey everybody! Doc's back!

@Roman

GIF doesn't work but uhhhhhhh imagine a butler telling Jack Nicholson that I've always been here

[Ceta de Cloyes]

Real nice Magik post I’m liking the feel of that theme

[Lord Wraith]

C H A R A C T E R C O N C E P T P R O P O S A L

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Character Proposal

^{_{V A L E N T I N E C A M P B E L L ♦ P O P S T A R / G O D ♦ U. K. ♦ T H E P A N T H E O N}}

C H A R A C T E R C O N C E P T:

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"When you’re as good as I am?

This is humble."

My vision of Baal is a god trying to find himself in this new Earth. He hails from an alternate version of Earth where he’s one of a Pantheon of gods. In this (also modern-day) Earth, select gods from every religion are reincarnated every 90 years. They are loved. They are feared. They are hated. Though his body was born human, once Valentine Campbell had his Ascension, his body and soul was irreparably melded and shifted to a being of divine energy and power. A god.

However, there was a caveat to his home Earth. Each pantheon of gods only exists for a maximum of around 2 to 3 years. After that, the incarnation of that god ceases to exist. Baal was at peace with that. It was part of the cycle. What wasn’t part of the cycle, however, was The Great Darkness. A formless mass of, well, divine darkness. It held sentience and pursued his Pantheon back on his Earth.

Even with the might of Gods, there was only so much they could do. It came to the inevitable battle it always does in these epics. He was the oldest of the incarnated gods, a warrior. Of course he soldiered up first. Maybe it was Inana, missing him. Or even Persephone. Playing though his mind, their memories blurring his judgment.
But he held the vanguard. The Norn swore she’d finally developed something, along with Woden. Something to hold it off, but it was untested. It didn’t matter. Baal took the device from her. He took a pill blessed by Dionysus, pressed it under his tongue. Baal sank the hooks of the octagonal device over his left chest. No better time to try it.

Of course it didn’t work. Of course his power overloaded the device. It exploded. There were three things Baal could remember before sucking sensation of Nothing took him over:

The sizzle of well-done flesh. The Mass of Darkness cooling the flames on his legs, like ice slush on a fevered body. And a prickle under his tongue, light shooting from his mouth and enveloping his body.

And then he was here. In this Earth. No oblivion, no Great Darkness. He’s retained all of the benefits of his world, and as far as he can tell, none of the consequences. Being a god, Baal doesn’t lose track of time. His goodlihood and life had been down to days when he faced The Great Darkness. It’s been 3 weeks since then, and he’s fine. Now, he’s trying to find a place in this world. Or an escape. He hasn’t deemed whether this Earth is worthy of his presence, especially considering now he doesn’t have that cumbersome 2 year expiration looming over him.

This Earth might be good for him, while he figures out how to return. There’s no Ananke. No Persephone. Sakhmet. Fucking Baphomet. No memory of Inanna. There’s something new about this Earth. So many memories to make. So many new people to worship him.

Baal is looking to be worshiped like he was on his Earth. That is his primary focus.

C H A R A C T E R M O T I V A T I O N S & G O A L S:

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I like the idea of exploring a character that rightfully has the mentality of a god. In his world he is a god. I think he carries more legitimacy to godliness than say, Thor. But past that, I like the idea of a god who’s going through the human trials of being accepted by society as well as the human trials of grieving over the loss of a loved one and how does a god cope with that? I’d ultimately like for Baal to fall in love with this Earth and even potentially desire to protect its denizens because of how they worship him in a hero capacity.

C H A R A C T E R N O T E S: (WIP)

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Baal is arrogant, aggressive and minces no words about it. It doesn't come from a place of malice, simply from the knowledge of being a god. Knowing he's the best.

S A M P L E P O S T:

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^{Issue 1.01 – Building Churches in the Wild}

^{The Everglades, Florida:}

^{In Baal’s defense, he’d only raised an eyebrow when asked the first time. The doe-eyed young woman behind the hotel counter appeared winded, while other resort staff bustled around the marbled lobby. It was busy, she was flustered. She was forgiven for her mistake.}

These thoughts beguiled him, buzzing a smile on his lips, as he took in his current surroundings once more. Around 300 meters of cleared swampish area. Mixture of mudded sinkholes and tufts of grass and dirt. Discarded portions of rusted cars litter the area, half embedded in the ground. A modest shack, complete with sagging porch roof and dull wood. The metal roof splashed with rust of a large shed sat just beyond the shack. Immediately surrounding him, 8 men with various guns trained on him. Grime mixed with their faces. Their hair was matted with sweat and dirt. They reeked of bayou and sweat. Each set of eyes stayed focused on Baal; grimaces chiseled into their faces. No matter. Whether eyes watched him or not, the outcome would be the same. But he could enjoy the performance leading up to his debut.

Squeaking back and forth on the shack’s front porch by the shift of his weight, was the source of Baal’s amusement: a mortal doing an apt job of entertaining him. The mortal paced and stroked the bush of his beard. The creak of his footsteps on the sagging porch mixed with the continuous chorus of cicadas in heat. He prattled on, something about power. Making archaic points that Baal taught his worshippers a millennia ago.

“…y’see, when you got power like this,” The mortal continued, gesturing to the clearing and men surrounding Baal, “land to keep, men followin’ yer word n’ such. Well, ya can’t let certain things slide.”

He was looking at Baal now. The wiry mass of overused muscle, wrapped in sagging skin the color of a newborn babe. This man spoke to Baal of power like a child spoke of philosophy he’s learned that day in school. It was adorable. Endearing, really. Baal didn’t hide his smile. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be so unamusing after all. “Power and respect,” this sagging-man said, “they go hand n’ hand. You get what I mean? How do I keep the respect of my Bayou Boys if I let your disrespect pass unchecked?”

^{The second time, the restaurant host might have been injured. A small myriad of sparks had tumbled down Baal’s arm. Even reached his clenched fist. That doddling fool was audacious in his slack-jawed gaze. And Baal—still relented, extending a patience to the thin-lipped pissant for which he was not known nor worshiped for. It was something Inanna would want him to do.}

Baal glanced skyward. Pressed his hands together in front of him, looking up at the cloudless sky. Not yet. He met the man’s gaze again and said nothing.

“Not one for pleading, is you?” The man asked, leaning on his rifle. Baal stifled a snort. Pleading? What use did he have for that? “Guess I can respect that,” the man continued, “Y’all ain’t never been the regretful type.”

The mortal was entertaining Baal less. His actions were traipsing from entertaining into being a chore for Baal to sit through. He had an appointment to keep and unfortunately, the flow of time was one area he did not preside over.

“Now I ain’t gonna ask why you came here. Don’t much really care. Gotta give it to you though, walking through that marsh and road, slick dressed as you are. You had a mission, didntja, boy?”

The smirk on Baal’s face flatlined. His brows knitted together.

“Y’hurt my son. Broke that arm clean with intent, now. That’s my blood, and I damn sure can’t let that pass. You fuck with a powerful man, you bound to get fucked yourself.”

Baal rolled his eyes. The novelty of the ape had long since expired. He focused on the metal shed, trying to discern inside.

“You will look at me when I’m addressing you!” The man shouted, making a quick gesture. The 8 men surrounding Baal raised their weapons. “Clearly, you don’t understand who I am. I run these glades. Every bubble that damn swamp pushes forth, I know. Ain’t a damn drug deal, arms trade, dead spouse or dead whore that goes down here that I don’t know about.” He shouldered his rifle now. “Ain’t a single marshal in the area who’ll find or look fer ya, not if I say so. You better take note. I rule this area.”

The dull sound of an overhead plane brought Baal’s eyes to the powder blue of the sky again. Not yet.
The man raised his gun, firing two shots in the air. Two birds struck the ground. The man roared. “I’m the Bayou King.” He pointed a finger at Baal. “So now, before you die, I wanna know: who the fuck are you?”

^{But this third time, Baal would—well, put simply: he could only be so lenient before his judgment requires a searing swiftness. Baal didn’t announce himself.}

So, Baal didn’t blame the stick of Florida humidity, bringing the scent of hot moisture and the subtle sweetness of decay. Nor the ruin brought to his Italian loafers. The audacity of this Bayou King, though grating, didn’t hold the blame of ultimately fueling his actions. He blamed himself and his leniency. These mortals had to be taught—and the first lesson was always the hardest.

“Well?” the Bayou King asked. A series of clicks and metal jingles fill the air. All the weapons cocked in succession. “Who the fuck are you to anger the Bayou King?”

Baal looked at this Bayou King.

"A god."

Electricity bubbled over his eyes, crackling over the edges.

Before the mortal to his left could grip the gun tighter, Baal’s grip had found the man's throat. Sparks played on Baal’s fingertips, lifting the small hairs around the other man’s neck. With a release and flex of his hand, Baal shot the man through the air. The overgrown hood of a car caught him and the muffled sound of cracking glass followed. Baal turned his gaze toward the false king.

“I’ll give you one moment to lower that toy.” The sparks now danced up his arms, creating small tears in his suit jacket. “But I’m hoping you don’t take it.”

“Supers and mutants don’t scare me none!” The Bayou King’s men had taken a step back, guns still trained. “These bullets drill through concrete. Ain’t no prayer can save you. Ya dead now, boy. Any last words?”

Baal looked up, “Finally.” His shoulders dropped and hands splayed, “All the planes are gone.”

7 bolts came down simultaneously. Striking each man, the bolts arced to Baal and the god pulled the mortals in to him—all before the speed of sound delivered crackling of the bolts. With a flick, he propelled them away. A boom of thunder rumbled as their bodies struck discarded metal pieces and weak cries softened the air.

Baal turned his head toward the Bayou King in time for two bullets to be stopped by his electrical field, their metal still red-hot, spinning in the air. The Bayou King lifted his gun again, only to be thrown off balance. The firearm pulled from his grip, sailing through the air to Baal’s outstretched hand. Baal was upon him now. The Bayou King raised his hand to stop the god. Baal grabbed it, hoisting the man into the air.

“You were amusing, at first. You should know when your jester-like skills have reached their apex. Though, that Bayou King line will always make me chuckle.” Baal ran a jolt through the man’s arm, evoking a weak cry. His vocal cords stuttered from electrical interference.

“Now, Mr. Bayou King. I’ve a question for you:” Baal flung the man from the porch onto a clearing of grass. “What’s a king to a god?”

Before he could stand, four pillars of electrical energy erupted from the ground, bathing the entire clearing in a purifying light. The man was hunched in the crater aftermath.

Baal shrugged. “Simply a servant whose forgotten his place.”

He pointed a finger at the false king. An arc of lightning found its way between the man’s eyes, and he slumped over in the dirt. Lesson learned.

“Now,” Baal asked aloud, “where the hell is my car?”

P O S T C A T A L O G:

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A list linking to your IC posts as they're created. This can be used for a reference guide to your character or to summarize completed arcs and stories.

@Stein

Baal is accepted!