MicroFiction&Poetry contest #7 - Voting & Feedback

[Loksfjoer]

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Banners created by Celxstiial

Welcome to the Voting and Feedback round for the MicroFiction&Poetry contest #7!

Voting and Feedback guidelines

• Please take your time to read through all the entries before voting for your favourite work. The reasons you base your vote on are up to you, as long the vote isn’t based on whether or not you like the author.
  It would be nice if you could share why you voted for a specific work.
• Giving feedback is optional but highly encouraged. When giving feedback you should be respectful and constructive. It’s good to point out any flaws or the things you feel could be improved or why you didn't like something, but don’t be mean.
  Make sure to point out what you liked or what appreciated in the entry too.
• Contestants may (and are encouraged to) vote and/or give feedback for the other entries but shouldn’t vote for their own entry. If contestants wish to withhold a vote and only give feedback, that is good too.
• The entries are anonymous unless the writer asked for having their name added. That being said, writers may claim their work at any time during or after the voting period.
• The entry with the most votes will win, but in case of a tie a Contest Mod will cast the tie-breaker vote.
• You can vote for entries and post your feedback in this thread, but if you rather have your vote and/or feedback be anonymous you can PM it to @Calle.
• The voting period deadline is October 8th, 9:00 CET, which is 7:00 server time (both times are in a.m.).

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The Entries

4 AM

"How much for a dozen?"

John Bello

There once was a man named John Bello
Who had dimples a plenty, I tell you.
He fell in a hole,
but that was the goal.
For he was a golf ball sized fellow.

Pretty hate machine

The song played over and over in his head like a mantra.

"Head like a hole…
Drown out your soul…
I'd rather die…
Then give you control!!"

Dillon focused on the hazy dark behind his eyelids, willing himself to feel angrier. He had to eliminate his thoughts, his doubts. All weakness belonged to the fire, all weakness deserved to be destroyed!

His breath came heavy and fast, filling the void with noise. He focused on his breathing, letting the hollow sound fill the blank spaces between lyrics.

"Head like a hole…"

In the center of the darkness behind his eyes he saw a red dot. He imagined the dot as a fire, and in that fire he concentrated his rage, he felt the red dot grow.

"Drown out your soul…"

Faces began to flash unbidden in his mind. His mom, the fucking bitch. She can go suck some guy off for more crack for all he cared, Dillon imagined his mom's face burning.

"I'd rather die…"

Next came Stacy's face, fucking Stacy. She was a cheerleader, funny, popular, had great tits and a smashing ass… so fucking basic! If she was the pinnacle of what humans pined for then everyone deserves to be fucking burned alive!

"Then give you control…"

Better then fucking Chad though. Chad reminded Dillon of his dad, a fucking joke. Yeah he looks good, yeah people like him, but did he keep any promises? Did he ever keep his fucking word! Why didn't he fucking come back! What a weak ass bitch! What a Basic! Fucking! Pathetic!!!...

Dillon was shaking now, so furious he felt invincible. He felt his nose running, he hoped it was blood. He reached into his backpack to get a rag he had in there, his hand brushed against something cold and metal. He wiped his nose and checked the result, only snot, damn. A bloody nose would be cool, it'd look really scary for what was coming.

"Bow down before the one you serve…"

He looked into the hole he felt, a cold place where he didn't feel weak, afraid, or helpless. The place where he could be angry and not care about the consequences.

"You're going to get what you deserve…*

None of them deserved to live, nobody did, human life is a waste of resources, nature will grow something better from the bodies, something worth more than anything they could make out of their stupid life...

by @Maglar

Holy Ground

Deep, cavernous, far beneath this seeming ground
there lies the secrets of light, dark, and sound.

Odd it is, here in the black, to have eyes that see
even when the sea of sight is no longer free.

There is no dirt, no air, no taste, nor touch
yet radiance reigns, and the warmth is much.

The living light is everywhere, even here, but the source is high,
far higher than I ever dared to hope, to dream, let alone fly.

No pain, no loss, and grief is gone here above;
Death roars, quietly, reaching from the icy deep; a ghastly glove...
I am freed, uplifted, and untethered by Truth's everlasting Love.

[Dokdolegacy]

@Calle

-
Banners created by Celxstiial

Welcome to the Voting and Feedback round for the MicroFiction&Poetry contest #7!

Voting and Feedback guidelines

• Please take your time to read through all the entries before voting for your favourite work. The reasons you base your vote on are up to you, as long the vote isn’t based on whether or not you like the author.
  It would be nice if you could share why you voted for a specific work.
• Giving feedback is optional but highly encouraged. When giving feedback you should be respectful and constructive. It’s good to point out any flaws or the things you feel could be improved or why you didn't like something, but don’t be mean.
  Make sure to point out what you liked or what appreciated in the entry too.
• Contestants may (and are encouraged to) vote and/or give feedback for the other entries but shouldn’t vote for their own entry. If contestants wish to withhold a vote and only give feedback, that is good too.
• The entries are anonymous unless the writer asked for having their name added. That being said, writers may claim their work at any time during or after the voting period.
• The entry with the most votes will win, but in case of a tie a Contest Mod will cast the tie-breaker vote.
• You can vote for entries and post your feedback in this thread, but if you rather have your vote and/or feedback be anonymous you can PM it to @Calle.
• The voting period deadline is October 8th, 9:00 CET, which is 7:00 server time (both times are in a.m.).

---

The Entries

4 AM

"How much for a dozen?"

John Bello

There once was a man named John Bello
Who had dimples a plenty, I tell you.
He fell in a hole,
but that was the goal.
For he was a golf ball sized fellow.

Pretty hate machine

The song played over and over in his head like a mantra.

"Head like a hole…
Drown out your soul…
I'd rather die…
Then give you control!!"

Dillon focused on the hazy dark behind his eyelids, willing himself to feel angrier. He had to eliminate his thoughts, his doubts. All weakness belonged to the fire, all weakness deserved to be destroyed!

His breath came heavy and fast, filling the void with noise. He focused on his breathing, letting the hollow sound fill the blank spaces between lyrics.

"Head like a hole…"

In the center of the darkness behind his eyes he saw a red dot. He imagined the dot as a fire, and in that fire he concentrated his rage, he felt the red dot grow.

"Drown out your soul…"

Faces began to flash unbidden in his mind. His mom, the fucking bitch. She can go suck some guy off for more crack for all he cared, Dillon imagined his mom's face burning.

"I'd rather die…"

Next came Stacy's face, fucking Stacy. She was a cheerleader, funny, popular, had great tits and a smashing ass… so fucking basic! If she was the pinnacle of what humans pined for then everyone deserves to be fucking burned alive!

"Then give you control…"

Better then fucking Chad though. Chad reminded Dillon of his dad, a fucking joke. Yeah he looks good, yeah people like him, but did he keep any promises? Did he ever keep his fucking word! Why didn't he fucking come back! What a weak ass bitch! What a Basic! Fucking! Pathetic!!!...

Dillon was shaking now, so furious he felt invincible. He felt his nose running, he hoped it was blood. He reached into his backpack to get a rag he had in there, his hand brushed against something cold and metal. He wiped his nose and checked the result, only snot, damn. A bloody nose would be cool, it'd look really scary for what was coming.

"Bow down before the one you serve…"

He looked into the hole he felt, a cold place where he didn't feel weak, afraid, or helpless. The place where he could be angry and not care about the consequences.

"You're going to get what you deserve…*

None of them deserved to live, nobody did, human life is a waste of resources, nature will grow something better from the bodies, something worth more than anything they could make out of their stupid life...

by @Maglar

Holy Ground

Deep, cavernous, far beneath this seeming ground
there lies the secrets of light, dark, and sound.

Odd it is, here in the black, to have eyes that see
even when the sea of sight is no longer free.

There is no dirt, no air, no taste, nor touch
yet radiance reigns, and the warmth is much.

The living light is everywhere, even here, but the source is high,
far higher than I ever dared to hope, to dream, let alone fly.

No pain, no loss, and grief is gone here above;
Death roars, quietly, reaching from the icy deep; a ghastly glove...
I am freed, uplifted, and untethered by Truth's everlasting Love.

@Calle

Very good stuff👌🏼

[Mole]

I vote for Holy Ground.

[V a s h]

4AM -- A simple six word sentence story. It conveys an exchange well after dark, but other than that there's not much to go on. Little to no emotional impact or narrative weight. Solid entry, but that's it.

Pretty Hate Machine -- The writing is descriptive, and the author shows competence within that area. There's some little creative input going in by changing just a bit of the Nine Inch Nails lyrics, however I wonder whether any lyrics are needed at all, except, perhaps, for 'Head like a hole'... and 'Drown out your soul'... Otherwise, this inside look at a misanthropic descent of an edgy teenager having trouble coming to terms with his emotions and place in the world is mostly juvenile. Even with the suggestion that a school shooting might be about to occur, I don't feel the rising horror I should feel, but rather a general loathing for the "protagonist." What's missing here is nuance. How you go about finding a way to portray the descent into such an awful mental state is up to you.

John Bello -- I am amused.

I vote for John Bello. It isn't particularly special, to my eyes, but the writer was clever, had fun, and showed a general understanding of craft. I nearly voted for Pretty Hate Machine but was ultimately too turned off by the more amateurish depictions of hatred born by loneliness, isolation, and crushed self-esteem that certainly follows some people in the darker side of high school. It felt too on-the-nose with the shock, and not enough rising terror or insightful characterization.

[Loksfjoer]

Get your votes in! Voting deadline is in 13.5 hours.

[Exit]

My vote goes to 'John Bello'.

Short entry but it was quite fun.

[Loksfjoer]

In this round John Bello got the most votes, so that entry will be added to the hall of fame.

Congratulations!