[OOC] Myriad Reality

[DarkwolfX37]

[souleaterfan320]

You know what? Mierno is the only character I've realized I haven't thought about getting into a relationship, besides Sera.

[Legend]

Sorry. I have another history exam.

[DarkwolfX37]

Critique for Dark.

My Hider

A young human found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, or be with his partner Zee, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to somewhat higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. Having just finished with his errand, Kain thought back to the day before as he walked.

(I would suggest a little bit--just a little bit--of description about the young human before you say "found himself..." The second sentence would sound better if you clarified that when he's with his partner Zee, he doesn't necessarily avoid such places, as: "When not with his partner Zee, he would normally avoid such places..." Will "and angels were rarely..." make sense in context? I don't understand how it's relevant. Also, "somewhat" is missing an article. The last sentence is clunky. As a general rule, try and fit very intertwined events together, as: "Walking away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.")

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One spirit and one human were at a table in the alley of their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His white wings served as a beautiful backdrop to the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel, known to Kain as "Zee," stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

("A spirit and a human" is less clunky. The alley of their home is less accurate than the alley by their home. The juxtaposition of wings and menace seems a bit out of place written how it is. It's better in this case to more specifically point out the irony, as: "His white/shimmering/beautiful wings belied his menacing expression/posture/demeanour." The interruption describing Zadkiel's nickname is clunky. I suggest rewording it and possibly putting it in parentheses.)

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved to bickering and name calling, slowly turning the angel's motivation from completing his righteous mission into simple anger.

(The phrase is "devolved into". I would change slowly to quickly and change turned to deteriorated. Completing his righteous mission can be shortened to just his righteous mission.

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just it's holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing it's target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to laugh. This was quickly cut off as Kain teleported to the soulshard, still in mid-flight, and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck.

(Its should be used in place of it's both times. Also, the final fight sentence is clunky and could be reworded--combine things like "still in mid-flight" and "teleported to the soulshard"; put all three fight actions into three independent clauses joined by one and, rather than into two independents and a dependent; and move "cutting him off" at the end, lest the reader forget it was there when they finish the sentence.)

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move, I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and viewed the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

("Viewed" could be "scanned". To the best of your abilities, use precise wording. Also, in "Too bad that he didn't move," that comma should be a semicolon.)

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel began to reset the board. Soon the spirit and human began to play again.

(This is a narrative. You're free to do things like say "Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and soon enough they were at it again." This, to me, makes it flow better than "began to reset the board", perhaps because it represents something more completed--after all, this is past tense.)

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@Efficacy

[/quote]

Thankies. Please critique your critique. I'm really not confident since I haven't been able to write well recently so I want to be sure before I post it.

Fixed

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorated the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still in mid-flight soulshard and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck, cutting off the laughter.

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

--------------------

[whizzball1]

@DarkwolfX37
Getting better.

Critique^2

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorated the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

(Deteriorated should be deteriorating.)

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still in mid-flight soulshard and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck, cutting off the laughter.

("Still in mid-flight soulshard" sounds clunky. Try "Still flying soulshard." "Just as it began to leave the range of his reach" is also unnecessarily bloated--this can be made more concise, as: "... and grabbed it just before it escaped his reach." There are several other ways to word that simpler version, so whatever you think is best. "Immediately using it to cut" is redundant. Since we already know he just grabbed a knife, we can just say "immediately cutting". And, to diminish the redundancy of using "cutting" a second time, we can emphasise this second "cutting" as an important addition, as: "neck--cutting off the laughter, too." Or, "neck, cutting off the laughter with it.")

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

--------------------

[DarkwolfX37]

@DarkwolfX37
Getting better.

Critique^2

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorated the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

(Deteriorated should be deteriorating.)

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still in mid-flight soulshard and grabbed it just as it began to leave the range of his reach, immediately using it to cut into the back of the angel's neck, cutting off the laughter.

("Still in mid-flight soulshard" sounds clunky. Try "Still flying soulshard." "Just as it began to leave the range of his reach" is also unnecessarily bloated--this can be made more concise, as: "... and grabbed it just before it escaped his reach." There are several other ways to word that simpler version, so whatever you think is best. "Immediately using it to cut" is redundant. Since we already know he just grabbed a knife, we can just say "immediately cutting". And, to diminish the redundancy of using "cutting" a second time, we can emphasise this second "cutting" as an important addition, as: "neck--cutting off the laughter, too." Or, "neck, cutting off the laughter with it.")

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

--------------------

@whizzball1

You are a wonderful editor. Thanks. Wish I could edit my own stuff but it's a lot harder than editing other people's.

V3

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorating the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still flying soulshard and grabbed it just as it before it escaped his reach, immediately cutting into the back of the angel's neck, ending the laughter.

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

[DarkwolfX37]

Call Storm damnit I'm not missing out on this.

[Balance]

<Snipped quote by whizzball1>

You are a wonderful editor. Thanks. Wish I could edit my own stuff but it's a lot harder than editing other people's.

V3

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorating the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still flying soulshard and grabbed it just as it before it escaped his reach, immediately cutting into the back of the angel's neck, ending the laughter.

("Grabbed it just as it before it" is a mistake, I'm sure.)

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

@DarkwolfX37

Only one thing to point out this time.

[DarkwolfX37]

<Snipped quote by DarkwolfX37>

Only one thing to point out this time.

@Balance

V4

A young human with brown hair and green eyes found himself walking through the slums of Millennial City alone. Normally he would avoid such places, especially alone, but today's circumstances decided otherwise. The machine shop he needed was here, and angels were rarely around due to the relatively higher influence of demons. Besides, today was Zee and his monthly day away from each other. As he walked away from his finished errand, Kain thought back to the day before.

--------------------

A spirit and a human were at a table in the alley by their home. An angel stood before them, a sword in hand and malevolence in his eyes. His beautiful white wings belied the menacing expression he wore. Kain and Zadkiel ("Zee," as Kain called her) stood facing each other, ignoring this threat as they conversed.

"I'll handle this one. You focus on taking your turn." Zadkiel said.

"No way. I've been needing actual combat to make sure I've really mastered my new technique. I'll fight him."

"No, I'll fight him."

This back and forth quickly devolved into bickering and name calling, slowly deteriorating the angel's motivation from his righteous mission into simple anger.

"Enough!" he called, finally at his limit. "I will retrieve the mantle of the holy Zadkiel, regardless of whether I must kill you both or just its holder! Prepare yourselves!"

Zadkiel began to step forward but was cut off by Kain throwing a knife, Zadkiel's soulshard, at the angel. It flew past, missing its target, and the angel began to laugh. That is, he began to. Kain teleported to the still flying soulshard and grabbed it just before it escaped his reach, immediately cutting into the back of the angel's neck, ending the laughter.

"Yes! Perfect execution, and perfect execution!" Kain exclaimed as the angel fell to the ground. "Too bad that he didn't move; I might as well have been practicing on a target." He sat back down at the table and scanned the chessboard. "Damn. I can't see a way out of this. I think you win.

"You know, for someone who wants to know everything, you sure pass up a lot of chances to learn things. Now we don't know if he was working on his own or if there are others after us." Zadkiel moved to reset the board, and they began again.

--------------------

[DarkwolfX37]

She's eight, thank you. Not seven. :P

[Legend]

Sorry. I was consuming nutrients for sustenance.

[Intrepid]

I'm really going to have to work on breaking my habit of procrastinating my work, but I'll get around to that later.

[Etcetera]

I'm really going to have to work on breaking my habit of procrastinating my work, but I'll get around to that later.

@Intrepid

Be a good procrastinator and be lazy tomorrow.

[Intrepid]

<Snipped quote by Intrepid>

Be a good procrastinator and be lazy tomorrow.

@Etcetera

I'm not good though.

[Dynamics]

<Snipped quote by Etcetera>

I'm not good though.

@Intrepid

I already knew.

Sick burn.

[souleaterfan320]

Whew, im here.

[souleaterfan320]

Also, @Intrepid, I want to discuss some after-arc plans with you.

[Source]

Also, @Intrepid, I want to discuss some after-arc plans with you.

@souleaterfan320

You can always improv it.

[souleaterfan320]

<Snipped quote by souleaterfan320>

You can always improv it.

@Source

Not this, I can't. This needs proper planning. Trust me, if I tried improv with this, it would fail, and be awkward.

[Legend]

<Snipped quote by Source>

Not this, I can't. This needs proper planning. Trust me, if I tried improv with this, it would fail, and be awkward.

@souleaterfan320

If it would fail without planning, wouldn't it fail IRL?