A lot of ways to say it, wasn't there? Somehow being told she loved him, while being told that she, essentially wanted to keep him safe was oddly comforting. Yet it wasn't what he wanted.
Did she honestly think he was just going to say, sure, I'll just let you go? No. She didn't, and part of him wondered if she chose this way of telling him in the hopes that he would see how much it hurt her, to tell him this.
He did see it. It pained him, and he couldn't make himself try to comfort him. He understood it would be worse if he did. "I do understand" he said softly, because he did. "You fear that you will ruin me, when all you have done so far is make me a better man. You fear that because I love you, I'll get hurt. Everyone risks that. But I know you think that that hurt could be death. I understand that. I can, and do protect myself. You think I don't know, that I don't understand. That I don't know that Ben is probably dead, due to Anthony but you think that it's your fault. when it isn't. You tell me you love me, and then that I can't follow you. When we both know that I will. Because, Damn it, I need you. You think I dont, that all I needed was a little confidence booster. Maybe that's so. I need you. You expect me to just agree, and walk away. But I'm not your parents, and im definetely not your grandmother, or whoever else has left you and made you feel like nothing. So you can leave. But I will follow."
The words just tumbled out, unchecked, and he was shocked at tears stinging his own eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried. He must have been a kid. And it was probably for something foolish. There was pain in his chest, and irrational fear, panic. Because he feared she might ask, instead of tell. And he didn't know if he could resist that.
He took a step forward, just acting on instinct now, he gently removed her hands from her face. "Please"
--
Kijani went still for just a moment, as Connor's warm hands pulled her hands away, and the pain on her face was palpable. She might not have been bleeding, but there was a gaping wound in her all the same. She knew if she met his eyes, that it would all be over, that she would lose her courage. So, she squeezed her eyes shut, yanked herself free, and shoved Connor, hard.
Even though he was taller, she was more athletic, and the superior fighter. If she truly wanted to, she could make him unable to go after her. She could hurt him- but her body and soul would have to agree on that. Her body knew that she could dislocate his arm if she tugged just the right way. Knock him unconscious with a hard fist to the temple. Her soul, however, knew that what she was doing would hurt so much more than any bruise she could give him with her hands.
Pushing him back again, she started to yell. There was anger in her voice, and she was using it at Connor, even though it wasn't truly his to bear. "Why are you making this so damn hard, Connor? I don't want to see you anymore! That's it! End of story! I don't need you following me, I don't need you to rescue me, I don't need you to love me!" Could he hear her breaking underneath the enraged words spilling out of her mouth?
"Just stay away! It's over! It's... it's over." She glared at him, shaking, before she turned her back and started running. Speed had always been her forte, once she'd gotten over her growing-pain clumsiness. Her fear and her pain made her eat the distance like it was made of paper, like she could leave the heart she'd just broken behind her.
--
Devika sat in the grass, almost calm. She was still going to need a lengthy meditation session after classes were over, but at least for now, she could function. As she stood up, a student ran by at quick speed. In her wake, Devika was nearly knocked over by a wave of powerful emotion. It was like getting hit with a wave of arctic water. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, and her legs simply decided that holding her up was too much trouble. Whatever that person was going through felt like a black hole, tugging at her mind, and she had to put up every wall she had just to keep from dropping into sleep.