It is a gloomy Fall day, and you watch the rain slide listlessly down your window as you contemplate the age of that Chinese takeout in your refrigerator. Just as you are about to throw caution to the wind and finish the last of that General Tso's chicken, you are roused from your comfy armchair by the sound of the front doorbell ringing. You move to the door and open it gingerly, wondering who could be calling at this hour. Looking down, you see a weasely-looking man in Coke-bottle glasses and a smile too wide for his face thrusting a slightly greasy envelope into your hands.
"Special Delivery!" he says, and disappears around the corner as you grasp the envelope.
You look at the envelope and your name is stamped crookedly on the face, but next to your address is a garish green and pink palm tree and a fairly smug-looking sun with aviator sunglasses. Above the sun, in what appears to be some sort of speech bubble, are the words "YOU'VE WON!!!!!!!!" in bold, red font. Maybe it was the slight hope of escape from this darned rain, the egging-on from that smug-looking sun, or just simple curiosity, but you decide to open the letter right then and there:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Congratulations! You are one of the few very lucky winners to have been selected for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! You have won an all-expense-paid trip to our tropical island corporate office and will be given the chance to use our state-of-the-art virtual reality technology! Ever wanted to be practically transported into another world? Your days of ignorant daydreaming are over. This fantasy is now a reality for you and you only! (Participants may not inform loved ones or relatives about this opportunity, or risk being disqualified).
Our spies representatives have done their best to select the "winners," but we're only...human. Some mistake may have been made. We want to make sure you get your well-earned prize, so make sure to read the official rules at the bottom of this document to ensure that you qualify!
To claim your prize, please respond with your personal information. A form showing the information we require is below. You will be contacted by a representative shortly with details and your prize!
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is in no way an organ-harvesting scam!
Official Rules:
The company, Agnam Lupus Ovina Co., and affiliated companies (collectively, the “Company”), will conduct its contests substantially as described in these general contesting rules, and by participating, each participant agrees as follows:
1. Prize(s): The prize(s) that may be awarded to the eligible winner(s) are not transferable, redeemable for cash or exchangeable for any other prize. If a winner cannot be contacted or is disqualified for any reason, the Company reserves the right to eliminate the candidate and determine an alternate winner, in its sole discretion. Winners who cannot be contacted may or may not be kidnapped and taken to the "winner's circle" to claim an alternate prize.
2. Eligibility and Limitations: Participants and winner(s) must be over 18 years of age to participate. Participants over the age of 20 will have a slight advantage in the contest due to the matured neural pathways of an older brain. Participants will preferably not have children or other dependents. Participants must not inform family and friends about the prize, or will be disqualified.
3. Safety Disclaimer: By participating in the Contest, each participant and winner waives any and all claims of liability against the Company, its employees and agents, the Contest’s sponsors and their respective employees and agents, for any personal injury, loss, discomfort, accidental dismemberment, irreversible psychological trauma, or nightmares about Sea Monkeys which may occur from the conduct of, or participation in, the Contest, or from the use of any prize. In order to receive a prize, participants must sign an official waiver form provided by the Company.
4. Participant Disclosure Agreement: By participating, the participant agrees to not disclose any information about their winning, the prize(s), the company, or the island corporate office to any individuals. Participants not obeying this simple rule will be disqualified.
5. Disqualification: Participants may be deemed unfit to claim the prize for reasons stated in the attached document. If this occurs, the disqualified person will be [REDACTED], [REDACTED], given a [REDACTED], and thrown in [REDACTED].
6. Eye Ownership Agreement: By reading this document, you inherently agree that you own your eyes and brain and that you have absorbed this sensitive, Company-owned information into your brain through the vehicle of your eyes. The Company thereby reserves the right to confiscate your brain and/or eyes at any time.
Congratulations! You are one of the few very lucky winners to have been selected for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! You have won an all-expense-paid trip to our tropical island corporate office and will be given the chance to use our state-of-the-art virtual reality technology! Ever wanted to be practically transported into another world? Your days of ignorant daydreaming are over. This fantasy is now a reality for you and you only! (Participants may not inform loved ones or relatives about this opportunity, or risk being disqualified).
Our spies representatives have done their best to select the "winners," but we're only...human. Some mistake may have been made. We want to make sure you get your well-earned prize, so make sure to read the official rules at the bottom of this document to ensure that you qualify!
To claim your prize, please respond with your personal information. A form showing the information we require is below. You will be contacted by a representative shortly with details and your prize!
IMPORTANT NOTE: This is in no way an organ-harvesting scam!
Official Rules:
The company, Agnam Lupus Ovina Co., and affiliated companies (collectively, the “Company”), will conduct its contests substantially as described in these general contesting rules, and by participating, each participant agrees as follows:
1. Prize(s): The prize(s) that may be awarded to the eligible winner(s) are not transferable, redeemable for cash or exchangeable for any other prize. If a winner cannot be contacted or is disqualified for any reason, the Company reserves the right to eliminate the candidate and determine an alternate winner, in its sole discretion. Winners who cannot be contacted may or may not be kidnapped and taken to the "winner's circle" to claim an alternate prize.
2. Eligibility and Limitations: Participants and winner(s) must be over 18 years of age to participate. Participants over the age of 20 will have a slight advantage in the contest due to the matured neural pathways of an older brain. Participants will preferably not have children or other dependents. Participants must not inform family and friends about the prize, or will be disqualified.
3. Safety Disclaimer: By participating in the Contest, each participant and winner waives any and all claims of liability against the Company, its employees and agents, the Contest’s sponsors and their respective employees and agents, for any personal injury, loss, discomfort, accidental dismemberment, irreversible psychological trauma, or nightmares about Sea Monkeys which may occur from the conduct of, or participation in, the Contest, or from the use of any prize. In order to receive a prize, participants must sign an official waiver form provided by the Company.
4. Participant Disclosure Agreement: By participating, the participant agrees to not disclose any information about their winning, the prize(s), the company, or the island corporate office to any individuals. Participants not obeying this simple rule will be disqualified.
5. Disqualification: Participants may be deemed unfit to claim the prize for reasons stated in the attached document. If this occurs, the disqualified person will be [REDACTED], [REDACTED], given a [REDACTED], and thrown in [REDACTED].
6. Eye Ownership Agreement: By reading this document, you inherently agree that you own your eyes and brain and that you have absorbed this sensitive, Company-owned information into your brain through the vehicle of your eyes. The Company thereby reserves the right to confiscate your brain and/or eyes at any time.
There is some small print at the bottom of the letter, but you can barely read it. Reading it would break the 4th wall, so you decide not to. Still, you feel as if another person connected to your consciousness reads the text. That's odd.
Non-shitty new title thanks to SuperTacticalDerp! Thanks much!
