[IC] Journey to the East

[Illumin0sity]

Noah was only wearing the shirt because it was cold outside. The rain had fallen all that day and it was approaching total nightfall. The sun would be away for a time and leave the land at the mercy of the chilling moon’s rays. It was also the reason for him wearing shoes, he didn’t want to track mud around or get it caked onto his feet. Elann’s compliment was appreciated though; he replied with a nod in thanks.

They reached the front of the queue and were offered mush and bread. Upon seeing what was being served in the bowl, Noah decided he just wanted bread as well. The bread was growing stale and stacked, and each person was getting offered a piece to go with their mush. He took the bowl reluctantly anyway though, tucking the bread into the porridge before leaving the line.

By the time Elann tugged on his shirt and called his name his mouth was already occupied with a chunk of the bread. He hummed a ‘what?’ to her before his attention was brought readily to the river. He hadn’t really noticed it, his mind being mostly elsewhere, but it explained why he was chilled and why the smell of water was so heavy in the air. It could also explain why Aimee decided to go out for a hunt that night, probably hoping to stumble upon so unsuspecting drinker.

“If you want,” he said, moving partly chewed bread to the side of his mouth in order to reply to Elann. He didn’t mind it either way. If they went, he would follow after her lead.

[snelss0]

Elann was actually surprised Noah took the bowl of food, showing that he was likely more hungry than just bread would allow. Having taken the bite of bread, Elann's hunger was gone and so she didn't need to eat anymore. She palmed her bread and waited for him to look to the river.

"Yeah, let's go. Do you want my bread? Are you hungry? I'm not."

She held it up for him to take if he wanted it and then if not, she guessed she would just take another bite and bide her time to see if he wanted it. If nothing else, it could become fish food.

Staying by his weaker side, Elann moved through the clearing to the water, which was an easy and short trek. There at the water's edge were some large boulders that they could sit on at the bend of the river as it headed away from camp. She climbed up the side of it and sat sown, using her short dress as a blanket for her from the cooled stone.

"I love the smell after the rain here. It smells kind of like flowers, don't you think?"

[Illumin0sity]

Elann held her bread for him to taking, biting from it little more than once. She said she wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t surprised, not anymore. His attempt to get her to eat more had been futile, but he also didn’t wonder why the other women of her tribe said she was too thin. As long as she healthy Noah didn’t care, but she was a level of thinness which rivaled that of Aimee, and Aimee was thin herself. The wolf was a well constructed being of muscle, meat, and bone, she was lithe and agile. Noah wasn’t sure he could say the same for Elann aside from witnessing her ability with a bow and arrow.

Noah took her bread and put it into his bowl. He was thankful because it meant he didn’t have to eat much of the porridge and could fill up on bread and water. He munched as he followed her through the clearing and towards the bank of the river. Then he watched her climb onto the boulder, moving to stand beside the rock she sat on with one hand holding the bowl from beneath and the other consistently feeding bread into his mouth.

He was watching the river’s flow from east to west, as it was flowing from the mountains Zeltiva laid behind. Elann piped up over the babbling of the river, asking about the rain. Noah shrugged, not dismissively but because he didn’t necessarily agree. He swallowed what was in his mouth before speaking,

“It smells like rain,” he said plainly, “a little like grass, maybe.”

He peered at her, wondering what she was going to say in reply, as he crunched down on the last piece of his own bread.

“What would you have done if I hadn’t kissed you?” He was truly curious. If Elann hadn’t pleaded and nearly commanded him to do so, he wouldn’t have. He would have continued to play the game until he was satisfied with the fun had, and there was no telling when that would be.

[snelss0]

Elann was a floppy noodle compared to the might and strength of Noah's sister. Should a chair fall against a door, she would have struggle to open it. Should Noah start choking in his sleep, her entire being with all her might would be required just to roll him up onto his side. It was a wonder given everything that was weak about her that she could pull the bow string. It was merely only because of a life of weaving had given her the arm and finger strength to just barely manage it.

It always gave her pleasure seeing him take her food, and with her hands free, she dusted the stale remaining powder from the bread off of her hands. There she kept them clasped together until climbing onto the rock.

There he disagreed with her, shrugging at first, but at least he answered her.

"Hmm...I've never smelled grass before up close. I wouldn't think it would have much of any smell. Grass has flowers right? Or are those just flowers in grass I saw?"

It just went to show how alien his world was to her. She had come from a land of sand, where all the tiny tufts of grass at the edge of oases were covered in sand and dust, burned by the sun.

"I'm not sure," she answered. "I was having fun, but then, I really wanted a kiss you know? At first I wanted it because it seemed enjoyable to kiss you when you first woke up, but then later I wanted a kiss much more because I wasn't able to have one. I think I was having a fun time, but when I thought I couldn't win, then I just wanted one. It wasn't that it wasn't fun anymore, it just got to a point where I longed to feel your lips. Maybe I would have pinned you down and taken it," she said forcefully with a playful tone and wriggling eyebrows. She knew that was not possible in her wildest dreams. "Or maybe I would have just sat patiently until you did give me one. I can't say."

[Illumin0sity]

“There’re flowers without grass,” he said, partially unsure of what she was really asking. “I see most of the flowers in grass though, there are... meadows outside of Zeltiva. There are a lot of flowers there.”

Noah chewed while she answered him, humming to acknowledge her question but not in a tone that agreed or disagreed. He thought Elann a little bizarre and perhaps obsessive when it came to his lips and kissing him. The action itself was little more than pressing two fleshy parts together, something totally unnecessary to him until Caesarion put meaning into them.

Her playful tone made him laugh at her. “You can’t pin me down,” he pointed out just as playfully. “Maybe one day.” The last was said in a trailing way, as if he was considering the possibility.

“You wouldn’t have,” he challenged. “You can’t sit patiently.” He gave her a lingering look, one that said he didn’t think she could sit idly by and wait for him to kiss her.

A pausing moment came over him as he took another bite, neglecting to pick up his spoon to scoop any of the mush into his mouth. It smelled bland and tasteless, Noah would rather eat something else entirely.

“I have a question; what if we never got married or were just friends?” The Kelvic was curious, asking the question of her, looking at her, then biting down on her slice of bread. He harbored no ill intent with the question, the scenario had went through his mind a few times since their marriage and travel.

[snelss0]

Elann guessed that answered her question. She was curious about where the floral smell came from, and according to her knowledge, earthly floral smells all came from flowers. She hummed thoughtfully. The flowers were separate, but he had said that the smell she smelled was likely rain and grass. Perhaps grass had a scent without having flowers? She considered this, wanting to smell a handful of grass.

He mocked her ability to pin him down, leaving her with some trailing clue as to something in the future.

"What do you mean by that? Do you think I'll gain super muscles one day?"

His challenge to her made a small smirk pass over her face. It was clear that she thought she could. It didn't mean she would enjoy sitting there all day not kissing him, but she could do it. She was used to sitting in one spot, fiddling with a rug for hours on end.

When he asked about her and him as being friends, she thought on it a moment, her eyes sweetly connected with his.

"Well, I don't know how mean, can you explain more?"

[Illumin0sity]

“I mean, maybe one day you’ll manage to pin me down. I don’t think you’ll gain super strength one day, at least I hope not.”

She questioned his question on them just being friends, giving him pause. He wasn’t entirely sure what he meant when he asked, the vagueness of the idea now needing to be expanded upon in order to make sense to him and her. He hummed in the thought, chewing on the bread as he did so.

“Like I said, if we never married and stayed friends, didn’t… move in with one another and stayed in separate apartments. What do you think would have happened? If we bonded but never kissed or held hands like that? I think about it sometimes,” he went, looking at her, “not because I don’t want to be married to you. Just, what if the fates were different?”

Noah was asking questions of her he already asked himself many times before, the scenarios changing and being different each time. However, hearing the questions aloud prompted another he asked: “What is it that made you like me anyway? I was mean to you… and I wasn’t normal.”

Noah recalled the curt way in which he greeted her when they first met in Syliras, how he spoke in clear disregard for her feelings but only to sate his own curiosity on who she was as a person. He was determining if she was ‘shiny’ enough to hold his attention. He also recalled the weeks she took care of him when he was crippled because of his leg. He grew tired of her attention and her care, wishing she would leave him alone half the time but also thankful she came when she did. He supposed that was the start of their relationship, but Elann’s motivations weren’t entirely known to him, here he sought for clarification on what she was attracted to in him mentally.

[snelss0]

"Maybe I already have super strength and I've kept it hidden. You never know."

It seemed she stumped him, calling him out to explain his question further. He did so and she listened intently.

"Oh, well...If things happened differently. Hm..." she hummed in thought. "Well, then we'd likely be with someone else wouldn't we? Men are much more bold in Syliras and I imagine even more so in Zeltiva. They used to come up to me occasionally and ask me to dinner. I guess I would have eventually sought the attentions of one of them, but probably not for a long while. I think I only felt comfortable to become betrothed to you because we'd been so close and you'd become the only person I trusted completely. I think if we never developed romance, I'm not sure I would have bonded until much later, but in the end, I think we still would have bonded, fought, and eventually made up just the same, and I think we would probably be on our way to Zeltiva regardless. You are very important to me, as a husband or if it was just as a friend."

"Well...when it comes to loving someone, even though you were mean at times and what you call as not normal, I saw through it. At first I didn't enjoy your behavior and thought it strange, but you were the only person I knew, and for whatever reason, I felt I could trust that you'd keep me safe. There was something intense about you, almost protective. It wasn't shown to me right at the beginning, but soon afterward. I needed that protection. I needed to feel like this world in Syliras was not going to kill me, and you kind of made me feel that way. At the orphanage I saw how you were with the kids, like big cute kid yourself. I think that made me like you more as a friend when you came there with me. I didn't know what you were, or what a kelvic was at all really, so when we fought in the Stallion, it was kind of revealing to me that I wasn't dealing with what I would understand as a normal human, at least that's what you expressed to me."

"From then on, I tried to help you seem more human as I thought that's kind of what you wanted and in the course of doing that, I drew closer. After Caesarion, I could see the change in you. I could see how death seemed almost too good in your senses and I cared for you. I didn't like to see you like that, so I decided to love you, care for you, despite how you acted. As you got better, I think that love remained. You were closer than ever to me, and it only grew. Eventually I began to notice my attraction for you. You really helped me when my parents sent me that letter disowning me, and I think when you did that, my love grew even more for you. It was harder then...to separate my love for you as someone like a protector and a friend, and someone I actually loved and cared about romantically."

[Illumin0sity]

“I doubt it,” he said simply before going into the elaboration of his question, reasking it in a way that drew an extensive answer from Elann.

It was likely Elann would’ve ended up with someone else, more so than Noah with anyone. As she saw, he had a hard time letting anyone else into him personally. No one was spared from him treating them with distance, and only when the distance was overcame were they allowed to see Noah’s inner-self. He was unsure how he would have felt about Elann being with someone else, not that it would have mattered then when they weren’t bonded. He would not have wanted to share her until he could rule her out as interesting entirely. With another man in the picture, a new distance may have formed between them, preventing the bonding and anything else but distant friendship, occasionally seeing one another in the halls of their apartment if he didn’t leave as he initially planned to the day he met Elann.

She said she saw through his initial rudeness and inhumanity. It seemed she loved him long before he did her, sticking around because she felt she could trust him. She said she needed that protection to which he hummed in remembrance and agreement. He recalled how he felt about her when she was still settling into Syliras, how he believed she did need protection if she were to survive the transition into the bleak city. He hummed again when she went over the fight, saying he revealed to her she wasn’t dealing with a normal human. That was the point of him revealing his Kelvic secret to her, and she was the first in which it was revealed in that way, speaking to her growing specialness in his heart.

At the time he did seek to become more human, more normal, at the detriment of his animal roots. His motivation was to avoid any other conflicts with her, to have her aid him in the transition from animal to human, as he was seemingly incapable of doing so himself. It could be said he was seeking a guide, someone to coach him in the ways of humans, all along, and found that in Elann. Like she said, they grew closer because of it. She recalled the letter and he recalled the date: the 25th of Winter. What she ended with was curious though.

“Why were you trying to separate it?” he asked. “Did you not want to love me romantically? Or did you not want to… fall for me?”

[snelss0]

His question came, curiously poking into what she was saying, trying to find out her intentions. She enjoyed the fact he at least wasn't being rude to her in this instance or getting offended at what she was saying. She didn't want to fight again, but the inquiry as to why she was trying to separate the two types of emotions for him was something she was going to be careful with. She wasn't nervous, nor was she going to lie, but she just wanted to speak from a correct perspective according to her.

"Remember when I told you that us Benshira are not allowed to be romantically involved with outsiders of our people? It's been pushed into my mind that it was not okay, but you were so caring for me, I had been disowned and I had to realize, I am no longer Benshira in the Benshira's eyes. Then you were having difficulties understanding the differences between my past culture and my god, so I had to really evaluate what was deemed a law by Yahal, and what was cultural. There never was a law put down by Yahal saying that I cannot marry you nor love you romantically, so that made it easier, but yeah, at first, I was trying to stay true to what I knew and was trying not to draw too close to you because of our different cultures."

[Illumin0sity]

Noah did not want her to lie about her intentions. As it were it was better for her to be truthful now than to speak falsely. If she did lie, and it was found out later, he would be hurt by it. He still didn’t have it in his being to fight with her, taking whatever hurt she may have inflicted upon him in her explanation in stride. Noah still had it in mind to work off of a clean slate with her since the sensual dark night in the tent a few days ago.

She answered his next question which brought him confliction. He maintained having a hard time understanding one’s devotedness to a deity so much that they were seemingly shaped by them entirely. Elann was the first whom he had met who held any deity in such high regard, looking for laws that would keep her from loving him romantically once she realized she was no longer a Benshira in the eyes of the Benshira.

“I am sorry about that, about making you go against your people,” he said apologetically. Elann’s culture was much richer than his own, his being wafer thin in comparison because it mostly didn’t exist en masse. She knew of the Kelvics and how they failed to congregate in the way Benshira did.

“I…” he said, trailing off. “Nevermind.” He silenced himself further by spooning a portion of the porridge into his mouth. It was void of strong flavors, letting it mostly act as filler for his stomach if nothing else.

[snelss0]

Elann knew he didn't understand. She knew it was Zulrav himself who took an interest in Noah, not the other way around at first. Elann was done trying to change her husband to be more socially responsive, even to his own God, but it didn't matter with his God, he did what he wanted, just like Noah. Noah was going to say something further, but shut himself up. That was a thought she didn't want to delve into and instead just answered his apology.

"You didn't make me do anything Noah, and they aren't my people anymore. I chose to evaluate what was really Yahal's dictations and what was not. I found that there were things in my culture that were keeping me from being as faithful a friend and lover eventually that I could be, and you were more important to me than my culture. I still love my culture, but I don't blame you and others for seeing some things as silly or strange. A lot of my culture doesn't fit up here and doesn't make sense to follow to those born outside of it. I chose to shrug those things off, not just for you, but for myself and so I could better learn my god and how he thinks. My ideas of what purity and faithfulness are nothing as complete as his knowledge on those subjects. I was raised with a lens that showed me some parts of his character, but he is much more than even I know. I think he wanted me to come here so I can know him. I think he blessed our relationship because he sees there are things I can learn from you about him. He wants me to know him more, and I intend to. But you never made me go against anything. I chose of my own free will to do those things and to love you. You never made me do anything I didn't want to do...except celebrate my birthday, which I'm glad you did!" she chuckled silently so as to not to disturb the natural silence around them.

[Illumin0sity]

Noah ate two more spoonfuls of the mush slowly, listening to Elann as she went on to address his apology. He still failed to understand Yahal, and had stopped trying to. He didn’t get why their marriage needed to be blessed by any deity, he didn’t ask Zulrav to bare witness to their ceremony, though the god showed up anyway. He was more than sure that Elann had prayed for Yahal’s presence at their wedding, though he couldn’t see nor feel the pure god if He was there. He accepted he didn’t understand a majority of the gods, only understanding his own because He was easily understood.

Noah smiled politely at her chuckle, recalling her birthday. They didn’t do anything more than hunting that day, but was more than the nothing she was going to do. He remembered how she used her sling to shoot at the hare he was pursuing from above and how he dived at it only to miss, his talon catching in the snow and his body tumbling into a snowdrift. He remembered the fox they actually managed to down and how Elann landed the crippling blow before he killed it. Before that, he remembered how she touch him for the first time, hesitantly bringing her hand over his head as he ate their first catch, a squirrel.

He closed the small gap between them and set his bowl down in front of her on the rock. Noah chose not to dwell on his confusion with Yahal and any other god but his own, insteading focusing on the fact that Elann found a way to love him. He licked his lips, taking a step towards the river and little his shoes sink slightly into the damp sand.

“Is Yahal using me for you?” he asked, peering back at her. “Is it just about you getting to know Yahal?”

[snelss0]

Her husband approached her and set down his food before her. It really didn't look very appetizing, but her eyes didn't linger on it long. He moved to the soft damp sand of the shore she wondered if he was going to take his shoes off and hop in. He seemed to have a lot on his mind however. At first it was innocent questioning, but she searched their bond to see if he was beginning to feel emotions as they talked.

"Using? Um...Not like an object if that's what you mean?" Her grasp on the language was good, but she thought she understood that that implied some negative meanings, to be used. "He cares and loves you and is trying to show you various lessons of purity and faithfulness if you would listen. Does that mean he doesn't show me things in how you act and ways you think that show me more about his attributes? No, he does show me. But I wouldn't say he is using you anymore than he uses anything to show his care for purity and faithfulness."

"What do you mean, is it just about me getting to know Yahal? Is what about me trying to get to know Yahal? My culture?" Given his first question, she wondered if he meant her relationship with him. "Our relationship? What do you mean?"

[Illumin0sity]

Noah took a little breath, smelling the crispness of the air directly by the river. She went to answer him. He nodded at her search for clarification, he meant like an object, it was how it sounded to him when she explained it the first time. As she answered him still, he brought a hand to his hair, tugging on one of the curls. His brow furrowed at the mention of him possibly not listening to Yahal’s supposed lessons in purity and faithfulness, words he was beginning to loathe. Loathe them as he may, he wasn’t upset, minorly confused though.

“Yes, that’s what I mean, our relationship and this trip,” he answered. “Is he just using all of this so you can know him better?”

Noah approached the solidity of the shore once more and bent down to take off his shoes, slipping them off before going back towards the sandy shore. With his bare feet in the cool sand, he attempted to sort through his own thoughts on the subject. He didn’t like being used by anyone or anything, it was an uneasing association in his mind.

[snelss0]

Elann hadn't implied that he wasn't listening, though it was the case. In her eyes, there was so much connected to the lessons of purity and faithfulness that one could simply pay a small bit of attention and learn something. She was trying to express to him how simple it was, that if he just would listen he would learn something. Elann had come to recognize the furrowed brow of her husband as a bad sign, even if he was not upset.

"No. It's not just about that. Let me try to explain better. All around us, there are lessons in life that we can learn if we pay attention, some are natural, like learning how to walk; some are divine, such as the laws of how things are in the world; and some are magical. Yahal has divinely set out the ways of purity and faithfulness long before my life, just as Dira has for death, or Zulrav for storms. What I am saying is that because I worship Yahal, I keep my eye out for lessons I can learn on Yahal's attributes. When I say that our relationship is a tool Yahal is using to help me better understand him, it is not me saying that our relationship is just a tool. I'm saying that because of our relationship, and my eye intent on seeking out his attributes, I can learn a lot about him and his ways through our relationship. There is no reason to feel uneasy. He isn't controlling you nor I as a puppet."

She only mentioned as such because she felt that he felt that Yahal was oppressive. Perhaps it was his tone or just the topic and point of his questions. She didn't like that he was questioning their relationship like he was. She loved him, it was her choice, not Yahal's.

"I'm merely saying there are good lessons to learn through paying attention to Yahal, just as there are good lessons to learn by paying attention to Zulrav...like...don't go out in lightning storms or you could get struck by lightning. I just speak in a very...mmm...personal way because I've experienced Yahal as a being. That is why I say things like, 'he is teaching me these lessons' instead of, 'I'm learning these lessons because I'm paying attention'. It's because I have seen how much he cares about me, and he has put these lessons of his nature in place so I can better know him."

[Illumin0sity]

Noah didn’t feel as if Yahal was oppressive. He felt as if Yahal was overreaching, assuming, and misunderstanding. He didn’t want to care for Yahal, and he hadn’t before with very little impact on his own life. It wasn’t until Elann came into his life did Yahal seemingly take a place in it that Noah didn’t invite the god to, it felt invading and unwelcome. Elann failed to make it clear to him that she thought for herself half the time, always phrasing her actions in some connection to Yahal. He had argued that point before to no avail and no purchase in her mind, or that was what it seemed like. As he had said, it was difficult to see where Yahal’s influence ended and Elann’s own motivations began.

She spoke of Zulrav, using lightning as an example. Noah looked at her warily and in warning, a sidelong glance that told her to watch where she was stepping pertaining to his god. His relationship with Zulrav was formulated on the basis of mutual respect and understanding one’s individuality without judgement or question, mostly because any of the two would be disregarded as unimportant, shrugged off and given no weight.

“Okay,” he said, speaking plainly. Elann had given her explanation and Noah was unsure how to continue. Speaking with her on religion was exhausting to some degrees, mostly because it was like walking in the dark and being told to see at the same time.

Noah looked in the direction the river flowed from, noting the trees flanking either side further down, how not all of the river was an embankment. Erosion carved its way through hills, leaving flanking ravines made up of moist dirt and clay. He felt the cool air blow from behind him, ruffling up his looser garments of clothing.

“Because I do not worship Yahal like you, do you think I am not pure and faithful?” He did not question his own faithfulness to her or anyone his loyalties may have lied with, so he asked, “Do you think I am marred? Does Yahal believe me to be untrue because I do not pray to him?”

[snelss0]

If Noah had put even a fraction of an interest into her god, it was likely he wouldn't have found her speaking about him to be so exhaustive. Yahal, compared to many other Gods out there, was very personal and attentive to mortals, one that could be interacted with; but as it was, he hadn't really taken interest. It was only to reduce their fights did she sit him down and tell him what the Penita scrolls said so he could divide her culture and her believe in Yahal. He in the end answered 'okay', and that was enough for her, not wanting to push the subject after not only seeing his furrowed brows, feeling his unease, but also having been given a warning glance.

His questions drew a little silence from Elann as she looked up to him. Where were these questions coming from? How horrible an idea he must have had of her god to spurn them, even innocently.

"What? No!" she said with a slight laugh. "That's silly. I don't think of you like that. You are very faithful to me, your family, your friends. You are very pure of heart. I've said before that Yahal cares about you. Do you think that I think you are marred?"

She was going to give an example of Zulrav and how he didn't pray to him and yet his god cared for him, but his sidelong glance of a warning resounded in her to not go there. Because of it, she just shut her mouth and folded her hands over her lap. He would have to understand on his own.

[Illumin0sity]

Elann’s laugh drew his attention back to her. He didn’t share her humor, it was a seriously asked question. She said she didn’t think of him as impure and unfaithful, listing reasons found in his friends, family, and herself. He maintained his gaze on her until she asked her own question, to which he turned to face her entirely.

“Yes, sometimes,” he said truthfully.

“Can you explain what you mean by ‘pure’? I do not understand, I don’t think the same as you do, both of you confuse me still.”

Noah stuck by Aimee’s own argument regarding both Yahal and Zulrav made from an outside perspective; the two gods were incompatible, so to speak. Where Yahal cared about the faithfulness and purity of mortals and nature, Zulrav did not. It wasn’t beyond the world for the gods to have their own disagreements as well, as they both witnessed in the momentary clash between Oriana and Yahal pertaining to the bear Elann downed. Therefore, Noah did not think it impossible for Zulrav to not care about Yahal or Yahal’s view on mortals and nature.

[snelss0]

Noah certainly was showing signs of a negative view of not only Yahal, but of her. She tried to have patience with him and just nodded.

"Pure...clean, innocent in some cases, without evil. I don't think I've ever thought of you as being marred. Look, none of us are perfectly pure, but I think those who are marred or cursed are those who actively seek impurity. You don't do that."

She wondered what he would say to that, if he would dislike her answer for some strange reason or if it would finally clarify things for him and make him stop worrying. All of his questions were very pointed, as if rehearsed in his mind over and over, yet never asked. All of it was coming out on what she had hoped would be a romantic place for them to be alone with each other.