[IC] Journey to the East

[Illumin0sity]

Elann misunderstood his motivations. It was true he was asking questions that were rehearsed in his mind, but there was no ill intent in them. He didn’t care all too much for Yahal, that was all. He was neutral to the god for the most times. It may have seemed as if he was showing signs of negativity because he disliked being confused and not understanding, it frustrated him, but even that emotion was small here. She, perhaps, took his frustration and questions personal because of how close she was to her god, leading her to misunderstand him.

Hearing her say no one was perfectly pure was reassuring, made him believe she didn’t see herself as above anyone in that regard, more importantly himself. In his mind and world, no one was above anyone, the laws of nature applied to all. He saw firsthand how the mighty were felled by the small, having suffered it himself. Any arrogance that may have came with his status as ruler of a domain had been wounded and partially wiped away, unknown if it would be restored. As a predator though, he could not banish the want to dominate a territory.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to... offend you.” Even though he still didn’t entirely understand, he said, “We can talk about something else,” giving her the option to broach a new subject.

[snelss0]

Elann didn't consider her husband negative. She knew he was pure of heart and just simply fishing for answers, but his questions were negative. He could have asked what Yahal thought of him or what she thought of him, but instead he asked if Yahal thought of him impure and she, that if she thought him marred. They had a depressive air about them even though she got no such emotion from him.

His apology made her shake her head.

"You didn't do or say anything wrong...I'm not offended," she simply said with a slight smile in answer to his option to talk about something else. "We are just sitting here lightly talking about Yahal and my beliefs. Why do you feel you need to apologize or that I'm offended? Why don't you tell me what you are thinking? What is on your mind?"

[Illumin0sity]

Noah returned Elann’s smile softly, a quick flex of his lips to show her words held some weight. He was glad to hear he didn't offend her, though it wasn't the word he was searching for, it was the first one that came to mind. He didn't mean to ruin her intentionally romantic gesture by isolating them from the rest of the caravan, he appreciated it nonetheless. As she knew, he liked his isolation and to be alone, he was never lonely, not with her, not with himself.

As it were, she persisted with the topic, asking why he felt the need to apologize and what was on his mind. He shrugged.

“I don't like when people misunderstand Zulrav, so I wasn't sure if you would find it offensive as well,” he said. What he meant was he didn't like when people questioned what they didn't understand about Zulrav.

“My mind is filled with thoughts on your god, you've answered my questions,” he went. “I'm not sure if I... agree with him, Yahal.”

He looked at her warily again, unsure how she would take the truth of his words. He had shown interest in her god enough to sit through recitations of the Penita scrolls, they helped him deduce if Yahal was a being he could follow in full faithfulness. Ultimately, he didn't feel he could, and he wanted to reveal that to her sooner rather than later. He was not averse to Yahal, he didn't want her to take it that way. It was simple in his mind, but he knew their sights and ways of thinking differed.

[snelss0]

"Hmm, I'm sure I misrepresent Zulrav a bit, but I hope that doesn't make you angry with me. If I say something about him, it's because I feel like I have gained that understanding of him and am seeing if I'm right, more than declaring that I am. I don't find it offensive at all when people speak of Yahal. One could even be opposed to him and I won't take offense. I just have found that he loves and cares for me and all who follow him, and I wish that more people knew that about him. We all could use more love in our life and a caring and watching presence who battles evil for us, I feel anyways. If it wasn't for him and his faithfulness, I would be bear food. That to me is an endearing quality of him, but why don't you tell me what you don't agree with?"

Her smile was there with concern in her eyes. He was busy warily looking toward her as if she was going to snap at him at any moment and her look was designed to show that that wasn't possible. She loved and cared for him, and what he thought would be a shocker to her, was already known. She knew he didn't pander to people or Gods; hers included. It was clear to her that her words of Yahal were making him feel like the God was all influencing and overwhelmingly invading their life, but it was all because he didn't understand his wife and how she spoke of him. Her clarification though previously hopefully helped that viewpoint.

[Illumin0sity]

Noah nodded at her statement. There were a few things she had said in the past that were misrepresentations of Zulrav, the wary warning glance he had given her earlier was the first action he made in an attempt to correct her. He didn’t necessarily share her viewpoint or agree with what she thought pertaining to people perhaps using love and care in their lives. Unlike her, he didn’t think all people deserved it. At times he didn’t think himself deserving of her nearly overwhelming amounts of love and care for him, especially in times when he faulted himself for wrongdoings. She brought up the bear and he looked away from her.

“It all,” he answered. “Purity and faithfulness, they have no place out here,” he gestured to the woods. “They’re for people, for you and the Benshira, the Syliran Knights, humans. It doesn’t make sense out here.” Noah shrugged, looking at her again. “It’s not a bad thing, I am glad Yahal makes you happy and is there for your people, for other people, I just don’t... care for him or his domain.”

Yahal was seemingly all influencing, using things and people for the benefit of those who followed him while those he used were apparently none the wiser, like Noah. The Kelvic did not feel as if Zulrav used him for anything; there were no overarching commands, nothing pressuring the Kelvic to follow some divine message. Zulrav asked for loyalty and respect, showing the same to those who followed him, who were much much fewer than those who followed Yahal.

It wasn’t ‘their’ life Yahal was invading, but Noah’s. Clearly Yahal wasn’t seen as an invasion into Elann’s life, she had been raised on the Penita scrolls in the desert, apparently worshipping Yahal as if he was the sun itself. Noah was born and raised into no such thing, the gods weren’t imperative to his family’s life, they weren’t needed to survive because the Kelvics were equipped with everything needed to make their own way. Noah’s devoutness to Zulrav wasn’t needed either, it was a choice he made because he spent a great deal of time in the god’s domain, he learned to appreciate the territory he once trespassed on.

[snelss0]

"I know you don't," she answered him, showing that she did in fact know and yet she didn't seem offended or bothered by it. "I understand that to nature, Yahal and his stances seem like they don't have a place in the wilds, but they do. You are faithful to your breed, your pack, your drive. Nothing in nature really thinks evil and therefore are pure. When you kill the squirrel, it's not out of a desire to evily destroy him, it is because of food or territory, or out of survival. Purity and faithfulness are everywhere, just as Syna's rays cover all the earth whether we want them to or not, and they have their own place. I don't care for Syna or all the aspects of her character, but she does influence my life because every day her rays touch my skin, and every day, you experience faithfulness and purity in the same way. Whether you care about it or not, it doesn't mean he has no place out in the world or in the kelvic culture. Every kelvic is different right? Just like people? Look at your sister. She believes in gods. She might not follow them as closely as I follow Yahal, but they do have a place in her life."

"You are free to not care for him or his domain and I hope you don't feel like I have ever forced you to have a relationship with him, because I haven't intended that. I've always just made mention of him and the good that I see him doing in our life and in my eyes. You can accept that or not, but that is a part of me. That's an aspect of me you can love or hate, but I'd rather you love me for it, and love Yahal because he protects and comforts me, your wife and bondmate. If not for his qualities, at least for that. But that's your choice."

She looked down and away toward the lapping water at the edge of the river.

[Illumin0sity]

“I did, a while ago,” he said about Yahal being forced on him. She was persistent and had seemed as if she was pressing it in the past. She didn’t do it any longer but he had not forgotten what he felt like, how he felt lost and lesser because he didn’t understand what she did. It feeling had passed since then, it had been forgiven and nearly forgotten until she brought it up again. Forgiveness had not been retracted, but memories were refreshed.

Her words sounded like an ultimatum, telling him to love Yahal regardless of if he agreed with what the god stood for, saying that in order to love her for something he didn’t agree with he had to love Yahal too. She didn’t have her eyes on him either, looking at the river.

“I said I am glad he makes you happy, I am glad he protects and comforts you. I do not have to love him like you, and you do not have to love Zulrav. I don’t care if you like Zulrav or not, Zulrav will protect you because I love you and you are my bondmate, you are a part of me and he understands that. He doesn’t ask me to tell you to love Him, he doesn’t care. I appreciate Yahal for you...”

Elann’s words hurt him, and that hurt permeated through their bond. Like an animal, he wanted to defend himself because pain had been inflicted on him, unexpectedly. He could have raised his voice, used the same harsh tone as before in their last argument, but he didn’t. His last statement trailed off, he had more to say but not the will to say it for fear it would erupt into something else.

Noah turned fully towards the water and slowly sat down cross-leggedly. He ran a hand through his hair, holding it over the nape of his neck and rubbing in stress. His chin rested in his other hand, propped up on his elbow. Appreciating Yahal didn’t appear to be enough, it was extremely disheartening to him.

[snelss0]

He wanted to get offended and ended up feeling hurt, turning away from her, and plopping down into the sand like a child. She watched him in disbelief as his stress and hurt came through the bond.

"You're not listening to me. I want you to love him, as it is my personal preference darling, but you don't have to. You don't have to," she reiterated calmly. "I'm not forcing you. I'm not going to love you less. I don't think you're marred. I don't dislike or hate this part of you, or any other thoughts you must be thinking right now to feel hurt. Right now, you've turned away from me, and are feeling emotions of hurt, stress and who knows what else, and they are not my doing. I'm not hurting you nor trying to offend you. I am just simply trying to explain things. Stop acting like I am some vicious lady injuring you. It hurts my feelings. I'm just having a simple conversation with you. It's not an attack on your character. Can't we have a conversation in peace?"

She was feeling annoyance in part toward him and pain for his reaction to her words, and while she was calm, she didn't like how he would just shut her out like he was doing now, and how he did earlier that evening.

[Illumin0sity]

“You said I am free to not care about him, but you also said in order to accept that and love you, I have to love him. Isn’t that what you said?” he asked in quiet reply.

“I am not acting like you are a vicious lady, I am acting like you hurt my feelings because you did.”

He took a breath and shrugged his shoulders. “Nevermind, it doesn’t matter. I am sorry for making you feel like a ‘vicious lady’ and misunderstanding. I’m sorry for disturbing the peace, I didn’t mean to.”

Noah could sense her piquing annoyance, further disheartening him from continuing his own argument. There was a lot on his mind in rebuttal to what Elann said, but she turned it into a topic about herself. It hurt her feelings that he turned away from her, yet he had not disengaged from the conversation like he would before. Sticking around to actually attempt to have a conversation, regardless of his discomfort was majorly different from his usual flighty nature. She thought the conversation simple when he didn’t, it was complex and convoluted, speaking in overarching religion, a subject that was hard for him to navigate as it were. She presented him with an ultimatum, seemingly backing him into a corner. She said with confidence that she was not hurting him, even though he felt as if she was, saying that any hurt and stress he was feeling was not her doing. The Kelvic was at a total loss with which way to go.

Noah stood up, turned, and approached her again, not making eye contact but moving to sit beside the boulder. He moved because she said she was hurt by his disconnection. He didn’t know what else to be but apologetic in the moment, despite his unwant to be there.

Based of her explanation of the wild, something she knew very little about in comparison to him, he felt as if he was truly impure. Noah had killed many animals without needing reason, even while in a relationship with her. He was not the only predator to do so either, thus he knew she was wrong in that regard, but felt trapped and silenced by her turning the conversation on its head. He did not feel as if he was given the chance to cement the fact that Yahal’s tenets of purity and faithfulness applied to the wild world, to the predatory nature.

[snelss0]

She let him finish his apology, shaking her head at his misunderstanding, not in a judgmental way, but in a way she wished he thought better of her. His ideas were counter to the whole point she was trying to make to him. Calmly she tried to explain, doing away with her temporary annoyance toward the situation and his ease at getting hurt by her words.

"See, that's what I'm talking about. You got confused on what I was saying and instead of asking me for clarification, you got hurt. Does it make sense that I said one thing and then seemed to counter it with something else? Of course not. So then you ask me what I mean, right? You don't become stressed and hurt and think I'm hurting you with my words. What you assumed I meant is not what I meant at all. Over and over I said you don't have to follow him, don't have to believe in him, so why when I said that because I'm going to follow Yahal and talk about him openly to you, and that I would rather you love the part of me talking about Yahal rather than dislike it, did you take it as you -have- to love him or not? That's not what I was saying at all, love. To say again, I am going to openly talk about Yahal, and you can dislike that fact about me because you don't feel he has a place in nature and your life, or you can love that fact about me because when I speak of him, you remember he protects and comforts me, and is something I enjoy. Yes, I would rather you love that part of me that speaks about him, the part that worships Yahal, whether you believe in his qualities and stances or not, but even if you don't...what I'm saying is that if you decide to dislike when I speak of Yahal because you think...well...whatever you think, then that is your choice. What I'm expressing to you is that it's not going to make me love you -any- less. I don't think you're marred or any such thing because of it. Does that clarify things a bit?"

She didn't dare touch him until he was ready to look at her, but did appreciate his coming back to the boulder.

[Illumin0sity]

“It makes sense when I think you are wrong,” he said. “Why do you think it is a choice to be stressed or hurt? I don’t think you are hurting me with you words, you are hurting me with your words. Why is it so absurd for me, when you do the same thing?

“I don’t care if you talk about Yahal, I don’t dislike it, I don’t care about it. The way you said the sentence is what I have a problem with. The way you said it made it seem it was either one or the other, as if you did care. That was what I had a problem with.

“I also have a problem with you speaking about things you don’t understand. You assume these things about my sister, about the wild, as if you’ve known them your entire life when you haven’t. If you did, you would know that predators don’t need a reason to kill; cats will kill and not eat, so will dogs and wolves. Some animals kill much more than they will eat, leaving it there. Wolves will turn on their packs, breaking the rule of faithfulness. There are lone wolves, animals who are only faithful to themselves.

“Why doesn’t it make sense for me to be hurt by your words, yet make sense for you to be hurt by mine when you misunderstand them? I didn’t say you were attempting to villainize me until you kept making the entire argument about you when that wasn’t what it was about at all. This is not simple to me, this is complicated. Instead of seeing that, you make the assumption that it is simple for me, but I told you I was confused.

“Arguing with you is impossible, you hardly ever see my points in favor for arguing your own, and when it it starts to be about something you don’t like, you play like the victim when I never attack you. I talk about our argument, what we are discussing, you make everything personal to you when it does not have to be. It is annoying. There is no point in fighting with you because I will never win. I refuse to discuss anything else with you that I don’t understand.”

[snelss0]

Elann folded her hands over her lap as he began to speak. He once again took what she said as some sort of attack instead of a clarification to alleviate his confusion on the matter. As he continued on, she grew increasingly uncomfortable by his words. If he could have read her thoughts, he wouldn't have liked them, but as it was, he couldn't. All he would know is that as he spoke to her about things she didn't know, about his sister and nature, she took offense. Still, she calmed herself and listened more to what he said as he pleaded with her to find out why she could take offense of his words but not him when they are misunderstood. He appealed to his confusion in the matter; the same confusion she was trying to alleviate for him.

His words stung her, that arguing with her was impossible, that he refused to discuss things with her that he didn't understand, and especially that he didn't like to hear her speaking on things he thought she didn't understand - to which she would disagree. In Elann's mind, he had broken their contract with that statement and she silently muttered toward the ground.

"Well I'm sorry if my words were confusing. I know it's a hard topic. That's why I'm trying to explain it to you..."

That was all she could say in response to him. She pressed her lips together as well as her hands to wait to hear if he had anything more to say to her.

[Illumin0sity]

Instead of answering any of his questions that were posed in total seriousness, begging for an answer, she addressed the topic of Yahal and conceded it was a hard one that she was attempting to explain to him. His questions felt ignored. The conversation, to him, wasn’t about Yahal any longer, and he wanted his questions answered. As it were, they weren’t.

Noah waved a hand in a dismissive gesture, letting it come back down into his lap. He had nothing to say on the matter any longer. He heard her arguments and explanations, rebutted what she was wrong about in the wild, what she was assuming, and asked his own questions on her behavior when they had conversations of any seriousness. The questions weren’t answered, so he left it alone.

“Don’t apologize,” he told her. “It’s fine.”

[snelss0]

He told her not to apologize, that it was fine and she nodded, "Okay."

As he had nothing further to say to her, no further rebuke, she thought for a moment on what he said, repeating over and over in her mind that he didn't say what he said to be offensive, but just to express how he felt. It was so offensive to her though and it was a hard challenge.

"When you say that it is not a choice to be hurt or not...I don't feel that's true. When someone loves someone else, it takes a lot more than what I did, saying my words calmly and softly to you to express a will to hurt someone, especially a loved one. I didn't do that, and I don't think its fair to compare how I softly spoke to you, and how you've bluntly spoken to me with irritation in our bond and even anger when we've argued before. Whenever I was hurt, that was the case, and it wasn't your words that hurt me, but how you said them and what you felt inside. Tonight, I have had no anger toward you in my explaining Yahal; no saying to you that 'explaining Yahal to you is impossible so I'm not going to bother' like you've said similarly to me. How do you think that makes me feel to hear that my husband thinks that arguing with me is impossible and that you refuse to discuss anything with me that you don't understand?"

[Illumin0sity]

“Sad, probably,” he answered.

That’s all he had to say. He felt he wasn’t allowed to be frustrated or angry when she didn’t seem to listen to his words. Their last argument started off in the same manner, calm. He only got angry when she wasn’t hearing what he was saying, picking apart his argument in ways that deflected blame to other things but herself, as if he hadn’t considered the other things either. He wasn’t allowed to speak bluntly, he wasn’t allowed to be angry with her otherwise she would take it to offense. It was not his intention, whether she knew it or not, but instead of showing understanding, she showed something else.

It was wasted breath speaking in defense of himself, in rebuttal. Anything he said was deflected elsewhere or back onto him, it was his fault for this or that, but not her own. It was his fault he failed to keep his cool against her deflective arguments, that’s all it sounded like after so long. Arguments were not fair to him and his inhumanity.

Noah took a breath to ease his mind, ran a hand through his hair, anything to alleviate the tension in his own being. It wasn’t just the tension in his being he sought to calm, but the growing tension in the air around them and in the winds. No strong gusts had burst through the clearing at them, but his growing unease and shifting depressive state threw the sylphs into confusion.

[snelss0]

"Yeah, sad. At least that's what I want to feel when I hear that, but do you sense sadness in me?"

He wouldn't, there would be little emotion from her at the moment as she was seeking to get to the bottom of things.

"I feel like you don't listen to me. That you pick apart my words and deflect blame on me, that no matter what I say, if you don't understand it, you feel the need to argue and sort of fight with me over things, when we can just discuss them peacefully. I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I've apologized in the past for not listening to you, but I feel the same way when it comes to you, like you don't listen to me and I'm constantly to blame for everything. Noah, I was just sitting here having a simple discussion with you and expressing how I would enjoy you worshiping my god, and despite me telling you over and over, repeatedly that you didn't have to, you chose to take what I said as that you had to. Why?"

[Illumin0sity]

He felt as if she was being condescending. He knew he could not feel her sadness, and it was one of the variables which confused him. She went on still, despite his disregard and silence, pointing out how she didn't feel he listened to her. She may have apologized for not listening before but it didn't feel as if she had changed anything, hence him telling her not to apologize, nothing changed.

She was at fault for a lot in the past, he felt. Perhaps he was biased against her, seeing a lot of what she did as encouraging changes he didn't want to make. Instead of leaving things alone she kept prodding and picking and prying, much to his dismay.

“Because of how you phrased it,” he answered. “You made it appear that way, regardless of what you said to change how you said it. It was how you said it that time, that's why.”

He shrugged. He still didn't want to talk to her on the matter and wanted her to drop it. Above all he wanted to walk away him and to be alone, but that was frowned upon by her, as was anything else he did in search of solitary solace.

“I won't worship Yahal, that's my choice. I accept that you will do whatever, I don't care. Are we done?”

[snelss0]

Her husband obviously had a lot of feeling and thoughts, confusions, but if he had listened to her, he would have asked for clarification. Instead he ended their conversation with the familiar question that had begun to plague her thoughts since they started talking. Were they done? It was hard to not take offense to him saying that she would do whatever and that he didn't care. It was just another layer of verbal abuse to her, whether intentional or not, there was only so much she could take. She shrugged in response, not allowing herself to feel any such emotion, yet.

"I'm cold. I'm going back to the fire."

She slowly stood, waiting for him should he want to come and then would head that way. Once again, their evening was ruined, and in her opinion, largely by him. She slowly walked along among the trees in short distance until she got to the fire, where she stood slowly turning to warm her back and front.

[Illumin0sity]

His words ended the conversation, of which he was thankful for, though he didn’t necessarily feel good about it. She stated she was returning to the fire, being cold, but she didn’t beckon for him to follow. He assumed she left it up to him whether or not he wanted to return to the fire with her. He didn’t want to, but didn’t see it as a pure choice. The mood had already been soured by their altercation, and though no voices were raised, things had been stressed. Him residing there, as much as he wanted to, probably wouldn’t have smoothed over well later on.

“Okay,” he said in reply, delaying his own movement to stand until she was off the boulder. He brought his shoes with him as he stood then scooped up his bowl of partially eaten porridge in the other hand. His appetite had been dashed so he tucked his shoes under his good arm and spooned the slop onto the ground in the sand before turning to trail behind her.

She stopped by the main fire, where a few of the caravan goers were huddled around speaking idly and quietly. A few shifted their eyes to the couple but said nothing. Noah looked for Aimee and couldn’t find her, coming to stand close behind Elann as she warmed herself in the radiating heat of the fire. He met the eyes of the woman who approached Elann, the one who had said she was glad to see Noah on his feet. They exchanged a small smile, though the women was probably none the wiser to any plight that may have happened between the couple since Noah displayed the same face he always did to the various caravan goers.

Noah also saw Alena sitting in her father’s lap. They waved to one another before the movement of another woman caught Noah’s eyes. She came to the couple, standing in front of Elann but looking at Noah. In the crook of her arm were a stack of bowls, the uppermost bowl filled with the collected wooden cutlery. He looked at her blankly, not understanding that she wanted his bowl until she nodded towards his hand holding it. He reached past Elann’s shoulder and gave it to the woman, hushedly saying a thank you.

It was growing further into nighttime and the temperature was dropping, but not as low as days before despite the rain. Humidity clung in the air and clouds clung in the sky. It would not rain again, Noah knew, but heard a man speaking to perhaps a friend about it, forecasting with confidence.

He moved up to Elann’s side, kind of leaning towards her for safety as he bent down to put on his shoes, precariously balancing on one foot at a time as he slipped them on. He stood again and looked over to her, studying her and the way her hair fell in that moment. The wind rushed up from behind her, blowing her strands over the lower part of her face, obscuring her face and mouth before it resettled. He didn’t hesitate to reach into her space and move her hair behind her ear, something he had not done for a while but used to do frequently when they were in Syliras. His eyes went over her features as the moon struggled to shine through a thin sheet of clouds above, disappearing again in the next moment as the weather front continued to move on above them.

Noah looked back towards the fire and those gathered, staying beside Elann for the moment and not moving elsewhere. He wanted to give Emery the gold in his pocket, a few coins he took from the chest, but the doctor was with his family and Noah didn’t want to interrupt. He held his peace, figuring it would not matter when he gave Emery the gold he believed the doctor deserved. He was standing there listlessly, no overtly yearning for any one thing but floating in the diminishing mood of the night. The fire was warm on his front and Elann prevented the chilled air from reaching one of his sides, he was rather content in the moment as he sorted through his thoughts still, what few were still lingering.

“Are you tired?” he asked Elann, the answer judging what else would be done with the night they had. Unlike him, she had not slept and napped during the day, unless he missed it.

[snelss0]

To Elann, it was more than just a sour mood. He moved up to her side and she wrapped her hands about her waist, looking up to the stars. The same stars that were a sign to her. She eventually came to look back down as he brushed at her hair and began looking at the various people around the fire. As her backside got cold, she turned around once more, considering his question.

She wasn't sure she could even sleep that night given what had happened again. The fights weren't getting better, they were getting worse and it only gave her a bleak view of her future with her husband.

"I'm not sure," came the answering call from her and then the cold silence he wanted again came between them.

In the darkness etched on her face, only the Kelvic could likely see that her face wasn't the normal smiles it usually was, but instead was neutral and pensive. She too was obviously thinking, replaying, but doing her best not to feel emotion for the sake of the people around them.

She shimmied back around, not lasting long with her front not facing the fire and pulled her arms tight. The short dress was killing her out there as the temperature dropped.

"I'm going into the wagon. You can stay here if you want. I'm too cold."

With that, she left his side and quietly walked to the back of the wagon and climbed in, hoping that she could fulfill the distance he so clearly wanted from her.