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Little BirdMorning - What If
Featuring Mr. & Mrs. Mikhail & Elaine O’Hara
Featuring Mr. & Mrs. Mikhail & Elaine O’Hara
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Elaine and Mikhail O’Hara were proof of how a combination of determination, drive and a sprinkle of nepotism could help you achieve your dreams in record time. Upon graduating from high school, Lanie had wasted no time in diving straight into the family business of real estate sales. Just like her cousin Diana had done fifteen years before her, she obtained her real estate license, secured additional certifications specializing in luxury real estate, and started the process of building her network, her clientele and her personal brand. Under Di’s and her parents’ tutelage, Elaine had polished her skills and become a wealth of knowledge in her regional markets. Her charisma, optimism, enthusiasm and genuine interest in ensuring her clients had only the best made it easy to rise up the ranks and earn a name for herself. Thanks to her hard work, she was currently listed as one of the top 10 luxury realtors in the New England region, with a six-figure annual salary. She was expected to take the top spot of the list before her 30th birthday.
Her husband hadn’t settled for less, either. Right after finishing high school, he decided to pursue higher education by attending Boston U with a major in exercise science, a minor in health education and working on an associates in nutrition, where he balanced his studies with his point guard position in the school’s basketball team. Throughout his time in college, he fell in love with not only his choice of major, but with the idea of mentoring and developing young athletes in the sport he cherished so much. Fortunately for him, the opportunity of accomplishing his dream arrived sooner than he’d expected. Coach John had used his influence and O’Hara charm to convince the Edenridge High principal that an assistant coach position should be opened, and the candidate selected had been none other than his nephew.
When Mika had started, it wasn’t an easy job at first. Mika had prestige from his time as the second coming of Duke, and with that prestige, as well as having the foundling name, came pressure. This kind of pressure was something that he thrived under. There was no luck but what you made, and with those words etched into Mika’s soul since he first joined the Edenridge Celtics as a player, as the literal successor of his uncle and older cousin, Mika etched that into the kids who he helped coach. It wasn’t an easy thing to manage because Coach was hard even with Mika. He had to find the perfect balance between being a motivating, defensive coach (which he started out on) and the encouraging, yet oftenly-harsh, coach. Three years in and Mika had never felt more secure and confident for his job. His progress was going according to the life plan he set out for this part of it. Making a difference in his kids’ lives. Talk about a hell of an accomplishment.
The news they had received? That was something they hadn’t planned on accomplishing so soon.
A deafening silence hung in the air as the white Mercedes SUV drove down the streets of Edenridge on its way to the pristine neighborhood of Scott Street. The figure of a slim blonde dressed in casual designer wear could be seen in the passenger seat of the vehicle, staring blankly at the world rolling past her. A tall man with broad shoulders was beside her in the driver’s seat, his eyes fixated on the roads he was driving them on. The faint sound of music could be heard coming from the speakers, but neither the driver or the passenger made any efforts to turn it up or down. Instead, they both remained silent and lost in thought while crossing the gate to Scott Street, pulling into the garage of their home (formerly Lanie’s parents’ house, which became a wedding gift to the young couple) and letting the SUV come to a stop.
As soon as Mikhail had cut off the engine of the Mercedes', a silent Elaine was nearly leaping out of the vehicle and rushing into her home. She sped through the kitchen, down the hall, up the steps, down the corridor and straight into the master bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She needed a moment alone to process the overwhelming amount of thoughts, feelings and emotions threatening to swallow her whole.
She made a beeline straight to the bed, where she kicked off her shoes, settled in the middle of the mattress, and grabbed her purse. With shaking hands, Lanie pulled out an envelope from inside the purse, retrieved its contents, and slowly began to flip through the images. Tears fell on the surface of the black and white screen captures of what looked like two small beans with two nubs on the sides and two at the bottom, with a string attaching each of them to the sac surrounding them. On each image, the same context could be found in top left corner: O'Hara, Elaine | 08/27/2001 | GA=10w2d. The photos and the document that remained inside the envelope confirmed the news she hadn’t anticipated to receive just yet: that she was ten weeks pregnant with twins-- merely three weeks away from the completion of her first trimester.
“Lanie was really quiet the whole drive home.”
Mika sat just as in silence, still in the Mercedes while his partner of nearly a decade hadn’t wasted any time. Actually, it wasn’t unlike her. Both of them had never been able to sit still for very long. Every day, they rose with the sun. Every day they always went for runs, or just went to Asgard Fitness and did whatever day workout was set for that day. Mondays and Fridays were cardio while Tuesdays were arms. Wednesdays and Thursdays were legs and core respectively. Every day, they went together. With her busy schedule as realtor for the rich and him an assistant coach, they barely had enough time by the end of their days to do much of anything. So those morning workouts and always going for a bite to eat. Some days it was Dolly’s. Some days it was the Hole and some days they went to Kori Plaza and got some street food. But it was always together.
Ever since they found out they were pregnant, Mika was honestly not sure how to process that piece of information. Their life revolved around their jobs and each other. They had a routine, but now with this news, that wouldn’t exist anymore, or at least not in the version of itself that had existed before getting this life-changing news.
It weighed on Mika’s mind as he reached into the backseat and finally went inside the home, the sound of the garage door closing seeming like a welcomed white noise as he just stood with one foot still in the garage and one in the house. He knew how he felt about it, which was numb to it. He couldn’t imagine what his wife was feeling, though. The way she rushed into the house and as he went to the kitchen, it was clear to him she didn’t waste any time. Where did she always go when she needed alone time? Their bedroom.
Mika went to the laundry room and put his bag on top of the dryer and headed upstairs. He walked at a slower pace than he thought he would all because he was trying to figure out what he might say and how he would approach this. He softly knocked on their closed bedroom door, slowly opening it, saying “Lanie..” loud enough so that she could hear him but quiet enough to be a safe space in human form. Truth be told, it was all he could muster without letting his own emotions swallow him up. Being a father was always in the cards for him, but he never thought it would be something that wasn’t planned ahead of time. Such was life.
Upon hearing the sound of her name, the tearful blonde looked up from the ultrasound photos and at her husband. The fear she felt in her heart was reflected in the soft features of her delicate face. She tried to find the words to respond, but all she could manage to do was take a deep breath and resume her silent crying.
It broke his heart to see his wife like this. To see her in such a state. He had always and only seen Elaine as strong. A force. A literal hurricane to everything that came in her path. She’d knock it down with the confidence of someone that couldn’t be beaten, but she looked defeated. This force that was his wife, the love of his life, something happened. It was a shock to find out they were pregnant and that some of the things they had mapped out for the next few years might be altered in some way, but he didn’t expect to see it take such a toll on her.
By her side, Mika just put his arms around her. He didn’t even think. There was a part of him that just knew what to do. Years of building their relationship and all those years of his own therapy, there were some things Mika picked up along the way and one of the most important things was comforting and just being there. He wasn’t sure what to say at this moment, so he just held her, gently guiding Lanie into his arms so that her head was placed gently yet firmly on his chest, lowly repeating “it’s going to be okay” even though he didn’t even know what it was in this case or if it would be okay, but she needed to know that. She needed to believe that he believed that. For so long she was the rock for both of them, especially when he found out his father had killed himself, she was that anchor in his life.
Now it was his turn to be that for her.
Lanie allowed herself to melt into Mika's embrace, using the rhythmic sound of his heart beating against her chest to find her center. It was a melody that made her feel peaceful, calm and safe since they’d first started dating. “I feel so ungrateful,” Lanie croaked out, wiping away the mascara-stained tears from her cheeks. “There are so many women out there suffering and wishing for a blessing like this to happen to them every day, and here I am making a big deal crying about it,” she chastised herself with a scoff. “And it’s not that I’m not happy about it: I am, I really am. We always talked about how great it’ll be for us to have kids someday. But not right now. Not so soon.” she told Mika with a defeated shrug, blue eyes filling up with tears again as her voice broke at her last sentences.
“From the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed, I’m always on the go. I have calls, I have meetings, I have showings, networking dinners, mixers, fundraisers… We pay people to prep our meals and clean our house because of how little time I have left to even think about those things. Sometimes I’m so busy we don’t even see each other after our workout in the mornings, and I have to schedule our dates in advance just to make sure I’ll be able to make it. We got pregnant in the first place because I was so busy I forgot to schedule the birth control appointment, and it took me this long to even realize that I was pregnant because I kept brushing all the symptoms off with how caught up I was with everything else going on. If I barely have time for myself, how will I be able to have it for two whole kids?”
Mika hated hearing Lanie criticize herself so much. It gutted him that this was what she felt at this moment. He was no stranger to it himself, but he had always seen Lanie as this strong woman. When they met, even back in that first impression, there was something about her. Something about Elaine Lancaster that caught his attention. He was a stupid kid who was mad at the circumstances that brought him to Edenridge in the first place, so it took him a while to swallow his own ire and go seek her out. That sealed them always being by each other’s side. From getting into trouble in the southside to school dances, house parties and occasionally skipping school (sorry Mr. Beau), Mika always held his now-wife in the highest of regards. That’s why it broke him to hear her say such horrible things.
He held Lanie as close as he could, looking at her and this time making sure she could see him say the words and not just hear them. “No person in history ever felt they would be a good parent and it’s okay to feel like that. But I know you’ll kill it, Lanes. Take it from someone who has experienced at least four different kinds of mothers in his life. I’ve seen how circumstances make or break people and you are one of the strongest people I know. We barely are given the time to spend with each other, but we find a way. Having kids is one hectic task and we’ve had more than a few years of practice.”
“Dealing with other people’s kids isn’t the same as having your own, Mika. I can be the Cool Aunt to our family and friends’ kids any day. I can babysit them, take them out, take care of them, keep them clean and fed and happy and entertained. But a few hours of a day or even a couple of days of that is nothing compared to knowing you’re responsible for a whole child 24/7. Or, in our case, going from zero to two.”
Mika understood more than anyone how doubt could creep in at any moment and without warning. So he could understand a lot of what she was feeling, but he did want to make one thing clear, so he temporarily moved from holding her and gently gripped her shoulders as he shifted himself on their bed. “If you ever feel like you can’t give your 100%, I’ll make up for it by doing 110%, 130%. Doesn’t matter. Our vows were more than that. Me making that promise in front of your family and mine was more than just words.”
“I know you will. You’ve always been the best boyfriend and husband ever,” Lanie reassured Mika, momentarily offering her husband a little half smile. “And I don’t doubt for a single second that you’ll be anything less than a present and supportive parent. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still scared that I'll bring kids into this world and end up traumatizing them and you because I wasn't present enough. Or that I'll be away from my job too long and end up losing my clients and going into debt and then we'll all be in a really bad situation because any of our basic needs are not met. And I just… I don't want to disappoint anybody, Mika. I don't want anyone to hate me."
She had a point. Not about hypothetically traumatizing their future kids. That was something Mika knew wouldn’t happen. They were decent people at least and had their heads on right. No, what Mika could understand and even partially agreed with was the fact that they were very active in their respective fields-- her with the realtor empire she was foraging for herself in the New England area and him with the Celtics at EHS. They barely had enough time for each other outside of the mornings they spent working out.
As he thought about it a bit more, Mika came to understand and even feel similarly, though he wouldn’t show it on his face. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy. It’ll be an adjustment for both of us. Our lives will be different. Sacrifices might be made, but we have had so many things test us. I mean, I had to fend off your cousin Chelle's suggestive comments for God’s sake.” Mika couldn't help but laugh, thinking about Rochelle Casey and just how very forward she was. It was all in fun and games, but that was an experience that he wasn’t sure he wanted to have again. “We both have had life test our relationship so many times. It’s not that we were ever out of sync, because not even Timberlake can tear up our hearts. It’s because we’ve always been ambitious to succeed and I know we’ll succeed at being the best parents to our future children.” Above anything else, he wanted to assure her. Mika was terrified, just as she was, but he had to be strong for her. For both of them.
"You really think so?" Lanie heard herself asking Mika, uncertainty ringing clear in her voice and reflected in her eyes.
Somewhere deep down, Mika was uncertain himself, but maybe that’s what every new parent felt. He wondered if his mom had the same doubts. Did David have the same doubts when he found out Caitlin was pregnant with JD? Mika was terrified by the idea of being a father because of his own. If it hadn’t been for Sergei, Big Rey and Coach, how would Mika have turned out? The thought was more frightening than being a father himself. But looking at Lanie, he realized that he didn’t need to be afraid because they both were going to be first-time parents. That was a frightening thing to comprehend, but Mika knew they had a support system. He knew they wouldn’t be alone.
“I really do.” His certainty was reflected in his voice. His resolve that they really were going to be fine. Challenges were what they thrived on as a couple. Nothing was a bigger challenge than the notion of parenthood.
Lanie had been Mika's partner in crime long enough to have the ability to read his emotions and see right through him. Although she knew that her husband was trying his best to put on a brave face for her, it wasn’t hard to tell that he was just as nervous about this recent life development as she was-- the tell-tale way in which he scratched the back of his neck was evidence enough. But just like she could sense his trepidation, she could also hear his wholehearted conviction when he said that they would make it all work out in the end like they always did. They were a team; had been since that day they decided to give their teenage love a try when they were still freshmen in high school. They had grown up together, seen each other at their highs and lows, been each other’s rocks and centers whenever the going got tough. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, Lanie and Mika were in this together till death did them part. Parenting was just another opportunity to help each other grow. As long as she had Mika, Elaine knew that everything would be okay.
"Okay." Lanie eventually murmured after a long silence, taking in and slowly exhaling a deep breath. "Parents, huh?" she asked Mika with a nervous, shaky laugh. "Twin parents." Another nervous laugh, this time followed by a sigh. "That's gonna take some getting used to."
“I blame my side of our genetic lottery. Between David and Jamie and then my sisters, we were bound to have twins at some point.” But Mika didn’t think it would be their first batch of kids. The universe always loved to prove him wrong. Back when he was still a troubled boy who didn’t know what he wanted, it had put Lanie in his life. He was too confused about his feelings for not only her but about being a fish out of the sea he was used to. He adapted and it was all because of his wife of three years and the mother of his future…children.
As Lanie lamented on their new normal, he cracked a grin while making sure she was looking at him. “On the bright side, you’re gonna be one hot MILF!” He remarked teasingly, nudging his wife in the shoulder lightly and shooting her a wink.
Mika's comments earned him the first wave of laughter and genuine smile of the day from Lanie, and she could feel her worries easing away as she laughed. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? I'll probably need to ask Chelle to teach me a few tricks to fight off any moms at the playground that make passes at you!" she joked right back, wrapping her arms around her husband and holding him tight as she guided both their bodies to lay down on the bed, letting herself rest her head on his chest. "You're going to be a great dad. There's no one I'd rather do this other than you."
An expression of dread crawled itself onto Mika’s face like a spider was on his skin, color lost from his complexion. In the moment after that, he realized that Lanie was merely jesting and he mentally wiped the sweat from his forehead. When they were laying down, he looked down at her, running his hands through her soft, golden locks that felt like a field of sunflowers, gentle and to be treated with the utmost care. There was no doubt she could feel the elevation of his heartbeat the very second after she said she didn’t want to do this with anyone but him.
Instinctually, Mika made a sound, seemingly agreeing with his wife. He didn’t want to let her on -- at least, not make it too obvious -- but she had to know where his mind was. He kept thinking about his own father. How that mentally scarred him for so long. Despite not living with the old bastard for years until the time of his death, Ivan was fresh in his mind. It’s been close to five years since Ivan killed himself and Mika had to make peace with that. Ivan was a bad father and a worse husband and human being, but he was Mika’s father. It shouldn’t matter because he had two men who helped him see the light that was in him this entire time, but Ivan was still his father.
So that made Honey Badger doubt his ability to be a good father. What if… No. You’re not like Ivan. You were given a chance to live. Now you will. Mika calmed the demons that wanted him to doubt himself and refocused his energies on the positives.
Mikhail was deep in his thoughts for a few moments longer before he finally broke the silence. “Our kids won’t know what I experienced. My dad was a poor excuse for a father, but five of his six kids turned out to be good people… Even though I sometimes doubt my own goodness.” He laughed at his own expense, but sometimes you needed to laugh at yourself to balance the weight of your creed. “They’ll know they’re loved. I told you this when we first talked about the idea of children-- though granted, I never thought it would happen so soon. But whenever I found out I would become a father, I made a vow to never be the kind of father Ivan was. I have my own demons and bouts with them, but our kids will never feel small or like they aren’t valid in feeling a certain way. I will make sure they know they’re loved and respected.” He spoke as if making a promise to his unborn twins. If it was true that, even at this stage, everything said and felt could be heard and sensed by the kids, then Mika wanted to get an early jump at being a good father. A father like Coach. Like Big Rey. The two men who helped Mika see he wasn’t who his father was. He was his own man. He wanted to instill those values into his twins as well. Whether they were both girls, both boys or one of each, he would give them the same values that he himself picked up much later.
The blonde had listened to her husband’s words in silence, allowing him the space he needed to voice his own worries about the upcoming change in their lives. In times like these, Lanie could imagine how the fears of repeating patterns with his future children could strike fear in her husband’s heart, and how he was just as afraid of messing up as she was. When the O’Hara boy had initially opened up to Lanie about his family, the subject of his father had been the first one they had covered. The shadow of Ivan Zima’s legacy and the negative consequences he’d had on his family members loomed over his youngest son for as long as Lanie had known him. Many of the behaviors and decisions Mika had made in his life had stemmed from the harrowing experiences from his upbringing, and the promise he’d made himself to be a better man than Ivan had been his motivation behind his accomplishments. So far, he had done exactly that: becoming an honest man with a job completely unrelated to the life, who treated his wife like a goddess and valued his family above everything else. There was no question in Lanie’s mind that Mika would be the father he wished he had-- the one he had found in John O’Hara and Reynaldo Gonzalez.
Elaine shifted around the bed so that she could rest her chin under Mika’s clavicle, her face inches close to his own. “I know you will,” she reassured the man, offering her partner a soft smile. “I don’t doubt for a single second that you’ll be the best dad ever. And just like you said to me earlier: if you ever feel like you can’t give your 100%, I’ll make up for it by picking up the slack. You’ll never be alone on this journey, ever. We’ll do this together, as a team: just like we’ve always done everything else. When I tell you there’s no one else I’d rather do this with other than you, I mean it.” She reiterated, planting a kiss on her husband’s lips. “I love you, Mika. We got this. I’m scared shitless about it, but we got this.”
“And we got that, too~” Mika jokingly gestured to Lanie’s stomach, planting a kiss on her lips as well when her eyes diverted away from his. It wasn’t to make light of anything about this situation. It was very serious, but they had to be able to joke about it. Mika was afraid enough for the both of them and even without saying it, he knew she knew it. All they could do was be brave for this blessing that was about to change their lives forever.
Her husband hadn’t settled for less, either. Right after finishing high school, he decided to pursue higher education by attending Boston U with a major in exercise science, a minor in health education and working on an associates in nutrition, where he balanced his studies with his point guard position in the school’s basketball team. Throughout his time in college, he fell in love with not only his choice of major, but with the idea of mentoring and developing young athletes in the sport he cherished so much. Fortunately for him, the opportunity of accomplishing his dream arrived sooner than he’d expected. Coach John had used his influence and O’Hara charm to convince the Edenridge High principal that an assistant coach position should be opened, and the candidate selected had been none other than his nephew.
When Mika had started, it wasn’t an easy job at first. Mika had prestige from his time as the second coming of Duke, and with that prestige, as well as having the foundling name, came pressure. This kind of pressure was something that he thrived under. There was no luck but what you made, and with those words etched into Mika’s soul since he first joined the Edenridge Celtics as a player, as the literal successor of his uncle and older cousin, Mika etched that into the kids who he helped coach. It wasn’t an easy thing to manage because Coach was hard even with Mika. He had to find the perfect balance between being a motivating, defensive coach (which he started out on) and the encouraging, yet oftenly-harsh, coach. Three years in and Mika had never felt more secure and confident for his job. His progress was going according to the life plan he set out for this part of it. Making a difference in his kids’ lives. Talk about a hell of an accomplishment.
The news they had received? That was something they hadn’t planned on accomplishing so soon.
A deafening silence hung in the air as the white Mercedes SUV drove down the streets of Edenridge on its way to the pristine neighborhood of Scott Street. The figure of a slim blonde dressed in casual designer wear could be seen in the passenger seat of the vehicle, staring blankly at the world rolling past her. A tall man with broad shoulders was beside her in the driver’s seat, his eyes fixated on the roads he was driving them on. The faint sound of music could be heard coming from the speakers, but neither the driver or the passenger made any efforts to turn it up or down. Instead, they both remained silent and lost in thought while crossing the gate to Scott Street, pulling into the garage of their home (formerly Lanie’s parents’ house, which became a wedding gift to the young couple) and letting the SUV come to a stop.
As soon as Mikhail had cut off the engine of the Mercedes', a silent Elaine was nearly leaping out of the vehicle and rushing into her home. She sped through the kitchen, down the hall, up the steps, down the corridor and straight into the master bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She needed a moment alone to process the overwhelming amount of thoughts, feelings and emotions threatening to swallow her whole.
She made a beeline straight to the bed, where she kicked off her shoes, settled in the middle of the mattress, and grabbed her purse. With shaking hands, Lanie pulled out an envelope from inside the purse, retrieved its contents, and slowly began to flip through the images. Tears fell on the surface of the black and white screen captures of what looked like two small beans with two nubs on the sides and two at the bottom, with a string attaching each of them to the sac surrounding them. On each image, the same context could be found in top left corner: O'Hara, Elaine | 08/27/2001 | GA=10w2d. The photos and the document that remained inside the envelope confirmed the news she hadn’t anticipated to receive just yet: that she was ten weeks pregnant with twins-- merely three weeks away from the completion of her first trimester.
“Lanie was really quiet the whole drive home.”
Mika sat just as in silence, still in the Mercedes while his partner of nearly a decade hadn’t wasted any time. Actually, it wasn’t unlike her. Both of them had never been able to sit still for very long. Every day, they rose with the sun. Every day they always went for runs, or just went to Asgard Fitness and did whatever day workout was set for that day. Mondays and Fridays were cardio while Tuesdays were arms. Wednesdays and Thursdays were legs and core respectively. Every day, they went together. With her busy schedule as realtor for the rich and him an assistant coach, they barely had enough time by the end of their days to do much of anything. So those morning workouts and always going for a bite to eat. Some days it was Dolly’s. Some days it was the Hole and some days they went to Kori Plaza and got some street food. But it was always together.
Ever since they found out they were pregnant, Mika was honestly not sure how to process that piece of information. Their life revolved around their jobs and each other. They had a routine, but now with this news, that wouldn’t exist anymore, or at least not in the version of itself that had existed before getting this life-changing news.
It weighed on Mika’s mind as he reached into the backseat and finally went inside the home, the sound of the garage door closing seeming like a welcomed white noise as he just stood with one foot still in the garage and one in the house. He knew how he felt about it, which was numb to it. He couldn’t imagine what his wife was feeling, though. The way she rushed into the house and as he went to the kitchen, it was clear to him she didn’t waste any time. Where did she always go when she needed alone time? Their bedroom.
Mika went to the laundry room and put his bag on top of the dryer and headed upstairs. He walked at a slower pace than he thought he would all because he was trying to figure out what he might say and how he would approach this. He softly knocked on their closed bedroom door, slowly opening it, saying “Lanie..” loud enough so that she could hear him but quiet enough to be a safe space in human form. Truth be told, it was all he could muster without letting his own emotions swallow him up. Being a father was always in the cards for him, but he never thought it would be something that wasn’t planned ahead of time. Such was life.
Upon hearing the sound of her name, the tearful blonde looked up from the ultrasound photos and at her husband. The fear she felt in her heart was reflected in the soft features of her delicate face. She tried to find the words to respond, but all she could manage to do was take a deep breath and resume her silent crying.
It broke his heart to see his wife like this. To see her in such a state. He had always and only seen Elaine as strong. A force. A literal hurricane to everything that came in her path. She’d knock it down with the confidence of someone that couldn’t be beaten, but she looked defeated. This force that was his wife, the love of his life, something happened. It was a shock to find out they were pregnant and that some of the things they had mapped out for the next few years might be altered in some way, but he didn’t expect to see it take such a toll on her.
By her side, Mika just put his arms around her. He didn’t even think. There was a part of him that just knew what to do. Years of building their relationship and all those years of his own therapy, there were some things Mika picked up along the way and one of the most important things was comforting and just being there. He wasn’t sure what to say at this moment, so he just held her, gently guiding Lanie into his arms so that her head was placed gently yet firmly on his chest, lowly repeating “it’s going to be okay” even though he didn’t even know what it was in this case or if it would be okay, but she needed to know that. She needed to believe that he believed that. For so long she was the rock for both of them, especially when he found out his father had killed himself, she was that anchor in his life.
Now it was his turn to be that for her.
Lanie allowed herself to melt into Mika's embrace, using the rhythmic sound of his heart beating against her chest to find her center. It was a melody that made her feel peaceful, calm and safe since they’d first started dating. “I feel so ungrateful,” Lanie croaked out, wiping away the mascara-stained tears from her cheeks. “There are so many women out there suffering and wishing for a blessing like this to happen to them every day, and here I am making a big deal crying about it,” she chastised herself with a scoff. “And it’s not that I’m not happy about it: I am, I really am. We always talked about how great it’ll be for us to have kids someday. But not right now. Not so soon.” she told Mika with a defeated shrug, blue eyes filling up with tears again as her voice broke at her last sentences.
“From the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed, I’m always on the go. I have calls, I have meetings, I have showings, networking dinners, mixers, fundraisers… We pay people to prep our meals and clean our house because of how little time I have left to even think about those things. Sometimes I’m so busy we don’t even see each other after our workout in the mornings, and I have to schedule our dates in advance just to make sure I’ll be able to make it. We got pregnant in the first place because I was so busy I forgot to schedule the birth control appointment, and it took me this long to even realize that I was pregnant because I kept brushing all the symptoms off with how caught up I was with everything else going on. If I barely have time for myself, how will I be able to have it for two whole kids?”
Mika hated hearing Lanie criticize herself so much. It gutted him that this was what she felt at this moment. He was no stranger to it himself, but he had always seen Lanie as this strong woman. When they met, even back in that first impression, there was something about her. Something about Elaine Lancaster that caught his attention. He was a stupid kid who was mad at the circumstances that brought him to Edenridge in the first place, so it took him a while to swallow his own ire and go seek her out. That sealed them always being by each other’s side. From getting into trouble in the southside to school dances, house parties and occasionally skipping school (sorry Mr. Beau), Mika always held his now-wife in the highest of regards. That’s why it broke him to hear her say such horrible things.
He held Lanie as close as he could, looking at her and this time making sure she could see him say the words and not just hear them. “No person in history ever felt they would be a good parent and it’s okay to feel like that. But I know you’ll kill it, Lanes. Take it from someone who has experienced at least four different kinds of mothers in his life. I’ve seen how circumstances make or break people and you are one of the strongest people I know. We barely are given the time to spend with each other, but we find a way. Having kids is one hectic task and we’ve had more than a few years of practice.”
“Dealing with other people’s kids isn’t the same as having your own, Mika. I can be the Cool Aunt to our family and friends’ kids any day. I can babysit them, take them out, take care of them, keep them clean and fed and happy and entertained. But a few hours of a day or even a couple of days of that is nothing compared to knowing you’re responsible for a whole child 24/7. Or, in our case, going from zero to two.”
Mika understood more than anyone how doubt could creep in at any moment and without warning. So he could understand a lot of what she was feeling, but he did want to make one thing clear, so he temporarily moved from holding her and gently gripped her shoulders as he shifted himself on their bed. “If you ever feel like you can’t give your 100%, I’ll make up for it by doing 110%, 130%. Doesn’t matter. Our vows were more than that. Me making that promise in front of your family and mine was more than just words.”
“I know you will. You’ve always been the best boyfriend and husband ever,” Lanie reassured Mika, momentarily offering her husband a little half smile. “And I don’t doubt for a single second that you’ll be anything less than a present and supportive parent. But that doesn’t mean I’m not still scared that I'll bring kids into this world and end up traumatizing them and you because I wasn't present enough. Or that I'll be away from my job too long and end up losing my clients and going into debt and then we'll all be in a really bad situation because any of our basic needs are not met. And I just… I don't want to disappoint anybody, Mika. I don't want anyone to hate me."
She had a point. Not about hypothetically traumatizing their future kids. That was something Mika knew wouldn’t happen. They were decent people at least and had their heads on right. No, what Mika could understand and even partially agreed with was the fact that they were very active in their respective fields-- her with the realtor empire she was foraging for herself in the New England area and him with the Celtics at EHS. They barely had enough time for each other outside of the mornings they spent working out.
As he thought about it a bit more, Mika came to understand and even feel similarly, though he wouldn’t show it on his face. “I’m not saying it’ll be easy. It’ll be an adjustment for both of us. Our lives will be different. Sacrifices might be made, but we have had so many things test us. I mean, I had to fend off your cousin Chelle's suggestive comments for God’s sake.” Mika couldn't help but laugh, thinking about Rochelle Casey and just how very forward she was. It was all in fun and games, but that was an experience that he wasn’t sure he wanted to have again. “We both have had life test our relationship so many times. It’s not that we were ever out of sync, because not even Timberlake can tear up our hearts. It’s because we’ve always been ambitious to succeed and I know we’ll succeed at being the best parents to our future children.” Above anything else, he wanted to assure her. Mika was terrified, just as she was, but he had to be strong for her. For both of them.
"You really think so?" Lanie heard herself asking Mika, uncertainty ringing clear in her voice and reflected in her eyes.
Somewhere deep down, Mika was uncertain himself, but maybe that’s what every new parent felt. He wondered if his mom had the same doubts. Did David have the same doubts when he found out Caitlin was pregnant with JD? Mika was terrified by the idea of being a father because of his own. If it hadn’t been for Sergei, Big Rey and Coach, how would Mika have turned out? The thought was more frightening than being a father himself. But looking at Lanie, he realized that he didn’t need to be afraid because they both were going to be first-time parents. That was a frightening thing to comprehend, but Mika knew they had a support system. He knew they wouldn’t be alone.
“I really do.” His certainty was reflected in his voice. His resolve that they really were going to be fine. Challenges were what they thrived on as a couple. Nothing was a bigger challenge than the notion of parenthood.
Lanie had been Mika's partner in crime long enough to have the ability to read his emotions and see right through him. Although she knew that her husband was trying his best to put on a brave face for her, it wasn’t hard to tell that he was just as nervous about this recent life development as she was-- the tell-tale way in which he scratched the back of his neck was evidence enough. But just like she could sense his trepidation, she could also hear his wholehearted conviction when he said that they would make it all work out in the end like they always did. They were a team; had been since that day they decided to give their teenage love a try when they were still freshmen in high school. They had grown up together, seen each other at their highs and lows, been each other’s rocks and centers whenever the going got tough. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, Lanie and Mika were in this together till death did them part. Parenting was just another opportunity to help each other grow. As long as she had Mika, Elaine knew that everything would be okay.
"Okay." Lanie eventually murmured after a long silence, taking in and slowly exhaling a deep breath. "Parents, huh?" she asked Mika with a nervous, shaky laugh. "Twin parents." Another nervous laugh, this time followed by a sigh. "That's gonna take some getting used to."
“I blame my side of our genetic lottery. Between David and Jamie and then my sisters, we were bound to have twins at some point.” But Mika didn’t think it would be their first batch of kids. The universe always loved to prove him wrong. Back when he was still a troubled boy who didn’t know what he wanted, it had put Lanie in his life. He was too confused about his feelings for not only her but about being a fish out of the sea he was used to. He adapted and it was all because of his wife of three years and the mother of his future…children.
As Lanie lamented on their new normal, he cracked a grin while making sure she was looking at him. “On the bright side, you’re gonna be one hot MILF!” He remarked teasingly, nudging his wife in the shoulder lightly and shooting her a wink.
Mika's comments earned him the first wave of laughter and genuine smile of the day from Lanie, and she could feel her worries easing away as she laughed. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? I'll probably need to ask Chelle to teach me a few tricks to fight off any moms at the playground that make passes at you!" she joked right back, wrapping her arms around her husband and holding him tight as she guided both their bodies to lay down on the bed, letting herself rest her head on his chest. "You're going to be a great dad. There's no one I'd rather do this other than you."
An expression of dread crawled itself onto Mika’s face like a spider was on his skin, color lost from his complexion. In the moment after that, he realized that Lanie was merely jesting and he mentally wiped the sweat from his forehead. When they were laying down, he looked down at her, running his hands through her soft, golden locks that felt like a field of sunflowers, gentle and to be treated with the utmost care. There was no doubt she could feel the elevation of his heartbeat the very second after she said she didn’t want to do this with anyone but him.
Instinctually, Mika made a sound, seemingly agreeing with his wife. He didn’t want to let her on -- at least, not make it too obvious -- but she had to know where his mind was. He kept thinking about his own father. How that mentally scarred him for so long. Despite not living with the old bastard for years until the time of his death, Ivan was fresh in his mind. It’s been close to five years since Ivan killed himself and Mika had to make peace with that. Ivan was a bad father and a worse husband and human being, but he was Mika’s father. It shouldn’t matter because he had two men who helped him see the light that was in him this entire time, but Ivan was still his father.
So that made Honey Badger doubt his ability to be a good father. What if… No. You’re not like Ivan. You were given a chance to live. Now you will. Mika calmed the demons that wanted him to doubt himself and refocused his energies on the positives.
Mikhail was deep in his thoughts for a few moments longer before he finally broke the silence. “Our kids won’t know what I experienced. My dad was a poor excuse for a father, but five of his six kids turned out to be good people… Even though I sometimes doubt my own goodness.” He laughed at his own expense, but sometimes you needed to laugh at yourself to balance the weight of your creed. “They’ll know they’re loved. I told you this when we first talked about the idea of children-- though granted, I never thought it would happen so soon. But whenever I found out I would become a father, I made a vow to never be the kind of father Ivan was. I have my own demons and bouts with them, but our kids will never feel small or like they aren’t valid in feeling a certain way. I will make sure they know they’re loved and respected.” He spoke as if making a promise to his unborn twins. If it was true that, even at this stage, everything said and felt could be heard and sensed by the kids, then Mika wanted to get an early jump at being a good father. A father like Coach. Like Big Rey. The two men who helped Mika see he wasn’t who his father was. He was his own man. He wanted to instill those values into his twins as well. Whether they were both girls, both boys or one of each, he would give them the same values that he himself picked up much later.
The blonde had listened to her husband’s words in silence, allowing him the space he needed to voice his own worries about the upcoming change in their lives. In times like these, Lanie could imagine how the fears of repeating patterns with his future children could strike fear in her husband’s heart, and how he was just as afraid of messing up as she was. When the O’Hara boy had initially opened up to Lanie about his family, the subject of his father had been the first one they had covered. The shadow of Ivan Zima’s legacy and the negative consequences he’d had on his family members loomed over his youngest son for as long as Lanie had known him. Many of the behaviors and decisions Mika had made in his life had stemmed from the harrowing experiences from his upbringing, and the promise he’d made himself to be a better man than Ivan had been his motivation behind his accomplishments. So far, he had done exactly that: becoming an honest man with a job completely unrelated to the life, who treated his wife like a goddess and valued his family above everything else. There was no question in Lanie’s mind that Mika would be the father he wished he had-- the one he had found in John O’Hara and Reynaldo Gonzalez.
Elaine shifted around the bed so that she could rest her chin under Mika’s clavicle, her face inches close to his own. “I know you will,” she reassured the man, offering her partner a soft smile. “I don’t doubt for a single second that you’ll be the best dad ever. And just like you said to me earlier: if you ever feel like you can’t give your 100%, I’ll make up for it by picking up the slack. You’ll never be alone on this journey, ever. We’ll do this together, as a team: just like we’ve always done everything else. When I tell you there’s no one else I’d rather do this with other than you, I mean it.” She reiterated, planting a kiss on her husband’s lips. “I love you, Mika. We got this. I’m scared shitless about it, but we got this.”
“And we got that, too~” Mika jokingly gestured to Lanie’s stomach, planting a kiss on her lips as well when her eyes diverted away from his. It wasn’t to make light of anything about this situation. It was very serious, but they had to be able to joke about it. Mika was afraid enough for the both of them and even without saying it, he knew she knew it. All they could do was be brave for this blessing that was about to change their lives forever.
