Ok, so here we go. Please keep in mind that I’m not critiquing these sheets to be mean. Also I’ll only be critiquing those sheets where the writer has explicitly stated that they are finished.
@AquaAzura – I like the concept of an Asari warrior who’s more bodybuilder than ballerina, very unique. The thought of her stomping around the battlefield like a Krogan makes me smile. Just a few issues though, if you could help clear them please.
- At 913 she’d nearing the end of the Asari’s average lifespan. While I’m not sure if it’s ever explicitly stated in the ME verse, I imagine there would be some old-age wear and tear affecting her by now. I imagine she’d almost certainly be slowing down to some extent, her experience still conspiring to make her incredibly effective but perhaps not as sharp as she once was. After all, even the Krogan start to show the effects of time as they get older.
- The bit about torturing enemies for info seems tacked on. Is torture the first option for her, or is it the last? Does she enjoy it, or does she view it as a necessary aspect of war?
- Where was she raised, Krogan or Asari space? Being raised by her father would imply Krogan, but then she would find it difficult to join a Commando unit as they are raised by the Asari communities that they represent.
- How did her skill at tactics improve? Was she given a command of her own? If so, why, if she wasn’t a skilled tactician to begin with?
- Why did she become a mercenary if she was already a part of an Asari Commando unit?
Also, while she’d be acting independently of her own squad while working with the Spectre’s, I think the addition of her Commando’s is a neat idea, and I’m sure we could find scenarios were our team can work with them somewhere down the line.
@MechonRaptor – Another Asari Commando, but one significantly greener than Milina. I wonder if they would be aware of each other. Another interesting read. I like the thought of an Asari who resents the Republic due to their perceived incompetence. Here’s what I have to say.
- I struggle to think why the Asari Republic would force her into a role she neither asked for nor truly enjoyed. It seems an odd move for a government that relies on diplomacy and accommodation. Did they think her talents would suit her better in that field? Was her name just drawn out of a hat? I always had the impression that Asari Maidens could pursue the paths they wished.
- If I remember rightly the galaxy at large didn’t believe the Reapers were a threat until they were literally knocking on the front door. I didn’t think the Asari recalled anyone until Thessia was actually under attack, not just after the battle of the Citadel. To be fair, my knowledge isn’t comprehensive, so if I’m wrong just tell me.
- Without formal training I can’t see her developing the skills to properly doctor anyone. I mean I understand the biology of a dog, doesn’t mean I’m qualified to be a vet. Perhaps instead of being sent away to study other aliens, she was instead instructed to become a combat medic, who specialises in Alien biology. She’d still have a reason to learn a bit about other cultures that way, and she could still resent the fact that she isn’t getting to train her combat abilities to their fullest potential. Also makes it an easier jump for her to become a doctor, and she could take the role of Ships Medic.
@The Spectre - The first of the Quarian’s. Nice to see an infiltrator, it’s always good to have sniper support.
- Small thing, but I think Quarian’s age similarly to humans, so you could probably just say 29.
- What did he do while living on the Citadel? How did he earn his money?
- I believe the Crucible was a secret project. A poorly kept one mind you, but a secret nonetheless, otherwise the Reapers would have opposed it’s construction much earlier. How did Rol discover it’s construction to apply to join those working on it? And why would they accept him, if he was a marine rather than an engineer? I know his mother was a technician, but I got the impression that he much preferred strategy and tactics to technical skills. In fact you actually state at one point that he doesn’t know anything but warfare.
- Another small issue, but the plural of Geth is just Geth, not Geths.
@Dervish - God I love Krogans, I really do, and Rykarn is no exception. He’s not just a violent brute, but a measured, thoughtful warrior. Add a grenade or missile launcher to his equipment list if you’d like, as a heavy weapons specialist I think it’s only right that he carries one. I really have no issues with this sheet.
@PrivateVentures – I like the thought of having a former Cerberus agent on the team, and how they might clash with the aliens working with the Spectres, but I can’t see why Ellis would join us at all. He just doesn’t seem to have a personality that would lead him to become a member of a team, and with his skill set, why would he bother? He’s tactically brilliant, Biotically powerful, and with next level nanite tech. He’s a one-man army, and just doesn’t need the rest of us. There’s other issues as well.
- Everything is very brief, the sample posts and backstory especially. I don’t really get a true feel for the character, and there seems to be vast swathes of information missing. Where did he and his father get attacked by the Turian’s? How old was he at the time? How did he survive? Where did he go afterwards? How did he develop Biotic talent? Why did Cerberus approach him, how did they hear about his power? Why is he suddenly looking for redemption? And on that note you later say he is only looking for revenge, but those two things don’t work well together. And revenge against who, the Turians? If so you should know that he’ll be working for and with Turians in this RP.
- Also is his psyche profile you say ‘The Reapers are back’, however they are not back. They’ve been defeated, and the galaxy at large thinks they have all been destroyed.
- This is another instance were my knowledge of Mass Effect lore is lacking, but is there a precedent for the nanite technology that makes up his armour? It seems incredibly powerful.
I know your new to Roleplaying, but I’m afraid the character as he stands now is too powerful to work in a group setting, and he’d need in-story reasons for why he is willing to work with aliens to help the Spectres protect peace in the galaxy.
@Arcarius I can see there was a lot of thought put into this character. The hallucinations and problems with stress are interesting, ‘humanising’ aspects, and I’d be very keen to see them crop up during play.
- He was the largest, and so felt the need to push himself to keep up? That’s a strange thought process. Did you mean to say newest, or was there some kind of bias against him for his size?
- Why were Turian separatists hiding out on Illium?
- Whats he been doing in the year since the end of the war?
- You say he has a need for vengeance, but a vengeance against whom?
- A minor gripe would be that he’s a vanguard with a sniper rifle. Would he not be better served by a shotgun? Leave the sniping to someone who doesn’t already specialise in close quarters combat.
@SilverFox Yeah, as this is set after ME:3 I have no issue with Geth party members. Phalanx could give some fresh perspectives on things that other non-Geth characters would think of.
- I’m afraid I don’t quite follow this paragraph –
When Shepard and the Creators came to Rannoch after the battle in which the Geth mind were just controlled, Phalanx was the first to eagerly greet them, despite the tension between the races. And how itself fell into the Reapers control, luckily managing to not be blast to bits. Despite wishing to join in the Reaper War and assist the great hero, Phalanx remained on Rannoch to assist the Creators in making the planet their home once more. Even using its own conscious to assist volunteer Creators to adjust their frail bodies to the Rannoch air.
Was Phalanx exempt from the Reaper’s control of the Geth? How? And why didn’t it join the Reaper war? Merely because it decided helping the Quarians on Rannoch was a better use of her time? - Is there higher ranking Geth? I think they are democratically equal, and all decisions depend on consensus, rather than any structure of command.
- The episode with the human family and the terrorists is an odd, almost out of place addition. What terrorists was Phalanx ordered to attack, and why? And why did they take an interest in Clara? Was she a hostage, because they knew Phalanx was after them? And if so how did they know, and why didn’t they use her? I also agree with MrD’s assertation that ME tech isn’t advanced enough for a Geth to Frankenstein a body in the field, and I’m curious to why she attempted it in the first place. Is it supposed to be an example of when her emotions are at odds with her logical nature, and she somehow thought she could repair the girl?
@DarkFey Very interesting character here. The fact that she seems more geared towards engineering prowess and subversive tactics rather than all-muscle brute force or biotic attacks helps her standout. She feels unique from the other Quarian characters I’ve seen, and her attitude towards the Geth and her partnership with Dawn is a nice feature. Zaeed cameo also gets you points. All in all I really don’t have much to say here other than.
- What was it she actually did that nearly led to the destruction of the Habitation Frigate? I mean that’s a pretty big lapse in judgement right there, and would definitely go down in her permanent records. It’s the kind of thing the Spectres would want to know about her.
@Rithy Another Asari that cleaves from the typical norm of that race. My concern here is that she fills a similar niche to that of AquaAzura’s character. Still, they both have enough of their own idiosyncracies to say they’re unique from one another.
- Are the Lance of Light a Bioware creation, or something you’ve devised? I couldn’t find any information on them. If it’s the latter could you please describe them in greater detail. I couldn’t figure out if they’re a ship or ground force, nor how large they are.
- Same as the above for the Apostle. Just a short description of it’s appearance and capabilities would suffice.
Other than that it’s a good concept.
We’ve had a real interest in tactically brilliant, biotic warriors. Can’t say I’m overly surprised, but I would like to see more diversity, if possible. Just a thought for future creations.
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