"Fine Alejandro, fine. You pick. Fucking dinner at 8. I swear to God. I don't care if you are still on Dubai Time I'm tired of this shit. You better not pick some weird shit either. Remember when you tried to make me eat Svio?"
"It's a delicacy Guillemot. It takes forever to cook and we only ever have it once or twice a year. It was supposed to be an honor."
"It's a fucking goat head Alize. A fucking goat head cut in half. It was looking at me the whole time."
"You could have ate the eye first you know. They're a delicacy"
"Ooooooo coulda ate the eye first, it's a delicacy. That's you. That's what you sound like."
"What happened to you Gilberto, you used to be brave. We used to go on adventures together. You used to-"
They didn't even seem to notice as their mics cut out, they were so distracted by their bickering.
Some other jackass got on the mic for a moment to describe the action.
"Check, check, one two. Yeah? It's good. Heheheh. Look Mom I'm on TV!"
A voice can barely be heard live, and will be cut from the broadcast, indicating to this dipshit that he is not on camera he is speaking into a mic. His mother will not be able to see him. She will only briefly be able to hear him. And after that he will once again fade into the shadows, just another indistinct minion skittering about to feed the machine the precious oil it needs to keep operating until gradually he is crushed between the gears and discarded like the worthless peon he is. Also his haircut is stupid and he isn't fooling anyone with those expensive shoes he went out and bought. Basically he's a Bitch. Basically.
"Well that was rude. Ok folks so we got...we got uh."
Rustling papers can be heard.
"Who names these guys? What kind of stupid fucki- OK Guys! Looks like Danger, Danger Fontaine doesn't know what to do. Probably not rare for this guy he's a dumb bastard isn't he folks? What was that elbow drop? He telegraphed that shit like crazy. Tried to take a page right out of Macho Man Rand-"
His mic cuts out now too. Referencing a rival promotion. Very stupid. That dumbass is being just tossed directly between the gears of the machinery now. Like in that old Looney Tunes cartoon from like 1950 or some shit. The one where the guy is tossed directly between the gears of some machinery. Like that.
Meanwhile MOLE-MAN the Mole Man Massages his Mercilessly Mollywhopped Mole Man head and downs a substantial portion of the Ibuprofen. MOLE-MAN the Mole Man's Mole Man Manager, MOLE-MANAGER, Makes sure to clean up MOLE-MAN's general cranium area. MOLE-MANAGER has got to wipe away all the sweat, and blood, and baby oil off his Mole Man Managee, MOLE-MAN. That's just like Safety 101.
"Muuuhhhgeeefeeeekahhhh, oooooooaaaeeeyyyy azzzzzz beeeeezhk." Mole Manager, MOLE-MANAGER Mutters Morosely, looking for A little Assistance from the Announcers who are now well into their Argument and Utterly Unaware that the show is still technically going on.
Why isn't Danger, Danger Fontaine Owning his Opponent? Or is that Pwning. Who the fuck says Pwning. Is Pwning even a verb? Would it be PWNing? Did folks stop saying that, or typing that, like 5 years ago back in like 2008. Jesus fuck that was 14 years ago. Oh my god I'm getting older. Death is inevitable. The end of my life is coming. What have I done with my life? Where are the years going? Those years start coming and they don't stop coming, fed to the rules and I hit the ground running, didn't make sense not to live for fun, your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.
Danger, Danger Fontaine Had Headbutted Himself back into 1999. Back to an age when Smash Mouth was a band and not just those guys who did that thing that was in Shrek. Everyone loves Shrek. Fucking Michael Myers. National Treasure.
Danger, Danger Fontaine however was not thinking about Shrek. Danger, Danger Fontaine was too busy dancing seductively and reapplying the body oil that had come off following his latest tussle to notice everything going on. Not the Melting Marriage or the Mole Man going to war with himself, very much risking an Ibuprofen Overdose. That's no joke. That shit will fuck you up. He also didn't notice the several Mole Men, or at least Mole Individuals Presenting Mostly As Men But Who Can Tell With Mole Individuals, Let's Just Be Considerate You Guys, who were Pulling up the Padding just outside the ring.
Carefully with those weird little claw hand things they have they pulled the padding away and then threw it over the guardrail onto the crowd. Several of whom were seriously wounded. Sucks to suck. They then knocked on the ground and scurried away without even exchanging Insurance Information. That'll be a lawsuit for sure. Bet.
Up from the just now cleared away ground emerged two Mole Men. No idea what their names are. Let's just call them PRIMARY-MOLE-MAN-ANNOUNCER and SECONDARY-MOLE-MAN-ANNOUNCER for now. We'll call the one with the mustache PRIMARY-MOLE-MAN-ANNOUNCER. Seems like he's probably the more senior of the two. There's got to be some kind of grooming standard for these guys right? Figure they wave it a little bit once you have enough seniority. More experience, more friends, makes it harder to replace you. It's messed up but that's usually how it works. Politics right? Who needs them. Wait. Hold up. How does a Mole Man have a Mustache. That's stupid. They're covered in hair. No. No. It makes no sense.
"What does that say?" Danger, Danger Fontaine shouts, as the Mole Men pull an Announcing Table out of the hole and set it up ringside.
"Is that code? IS that an Acronym? What language is that? Fucking MOLESE? What the fuck does that say! Did Bill Gates hire them?!?!?"
The two Mole Men ignore him as they continue to set up their table and Ensure Everything is in proper order. In order to distract from the general chaos and Danger, Danger Fontaine's increasing Petulant, Paradoxical ad Paranoid ramblings they begin playing a song through the speakers.
It seems they lost their Creedence Clearwater Revival CDs, and their Rocky CDs, and their Top Gun CDs. They're playing "Just The Two Of Us" over the loudspeakers. Not the Will Smith one either. The old ass one. Weird choice. It has the benefit of calming down Antionette and Gibraltar though. They're no longer stomping their feet and red in the face with anger. Now they're making out and red in the face with passion. Very nice. Maybe they really will build those castles in the sky, just the two of them, them and them. Just. The. Two. Of Them.
"WHATS HAPPENING!?!?!?!?" Danger, Danger Fontaine screams, clearly unhappy with how far afield this all has gone.
"This is bullshit. This is supposed to be my match. Why are the announcers making out? Why is my opponent taking an irresponsible quantity of Ibuprofen? Who the fuck are those two and WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT TABLE SAY?!?!?"
The Primary Mustachioed Mole-Man Announcer, PRIMARY-MOLE--MAN-ANNOUNCER gets on the mic and spouts a bunch of Mole Gibberish in the most assuring, confident, thoughtful Manner iMaginable.
"Someone put a stop to this," Danger, Danger Fontaine responds, shaking the ring ropes like the Ultimate Warrior used to.
"This Must End! What Malicious Malediction Might These Mole Men Mutter?"
The Secondary Mustacheless Mole-Man Announcer, SECONDARY-MOLE-MAN-ANNOUNCER picks up the mic and replies in an even tone.
"You are an idiot. The table says "Monthly Mole Man Motivational Invitational" in English and in a plain and clear font. I am MOLE-TRANSLATOR, a Mole Man Translator. Earlier MOLE-MAN's Mole Man Manager, MOLE-MANAGER said "Motherfucker, oily ass bitch," after you left his Mole Man Managee, MOLE-MAN covered in your baby oil. We are all caught up now. The match can begin but first allow me to instruct you all on the very real dangers of Irresponsible Ibuprofen usage."
WHAT A TWIST!
SECONDARY-MOLE-MAN-ANNOUNCER was actually MOLE-TRANSLATOR in disguise all along!
I thought I knew the guy. Fucking crazy man. Shook me to my core.
MOLE-TRANSLATOR then went on to carefully outline the correct dosage relevant to each age group and the many dangers of using too much over a long or short period of time, such as:
Mild Symptoms- Tinnitus
- Heartburn
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Stomach pain
- Diarrhea
- Dizziness
- Blurred Vision
- Rash
- Sweating
Severe Symptoms- Difficult or Slow Breathing
- Convulsions
- Hypotension
- Seizures
- Little to No Urine Production
- Severe Headache
- Coma
- Running A Joke That Wasn't That Funny To Begin With Into The Ground And Pretending Like Self-Awareness Is Going To Mitigate That
Sensing that the joke had run it's course MOLE-ANNOUNCER then Mole Announced that the match was back on.
"The match is back on. Ding ding ding." MOLE-ANNOUNCER announced.
Circling around Danger, Danger Fontaine holds out a gloved hand for the traditional masculine sportsmany glove touch thing fighters do before they start, or restart I guess, a fight.
"You good little Mole Man Bro? You ready to turn this up a notch? You ready to really Fucking brain Fuck these Fans with some Fantastic Fighting FanFare For fa..fi..French... You ready to Go Bro?"
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