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GRAVY

The Sandy Rose Saloon

With her hands still grasping the threshold weakly, Charlotte turned her head back to Simion, who approached her from behind the bar where they had been hiding. Watching him though her clouded vision, the sheriff saw the man produce a packet of... something from his pocket. He inquired if she "needed focus" and proceeded to explain that the packet contained a Doctor Smith's patented chewing gum, containing something to help her concentrate better.

Charlotte gazed into the tin suspiciously. She had never heard of this "Doctor Smith" before. Simion's smile looked genuine, not seeming to conceal devious motives, but Charlotte found it difficult to trust him. While she wasn't the most educated person, she had lived long enough to know better than to trust people she barely knew, which was virtually everyone in Sand Flats. How could any gum help you focus? It was probably a hoax...

"No... No thank you, Simion," Charlotte decided, gently pushing the tin back to the energetic gentleman. "I'm afraid Sheriff Jackson is just going to have to trust the townsfolk with this one... But if that Rat harms anyone here..." Her eyes became filled with deeply-rooted rage. "He'll wish he was in hell with his back broken."

She lowered her gun and sighed, just as Lady Rose raced out into the street with a fury Charlotte had never seen before. She glanced out the saloon's doors to see the woman, in her dress nonetheless, racing after Rat who seemed to be making his getaway on horse. She had a knife, and with surprising accuracy, managed to slice the fugitive's saddle from ten meters away by throwing it.

Clearly this woman was more than met the eye.

The Sandy Rose Saloon

You guys could shoot the horse...

@SuperTacticalDerp

I actually never would've thought of that. Poor horsey :(

Go through the Alphabet before someone posts a My Little Pony Picture

BUBBLES

The Sandy Rose Saloon

Charlotte found the enthusiastic energy of the man sitting next to her refreshing. Not many people in town had that kind of zeal when it was just do damn hot all the time. Simion continued the conversation, grazing on a somewhat touchy subject for her—how she had gotten to town. Most of the people knew, or at least had a general idea, about how she became Sheriff, but other than that she has shared nothing.

“Oh, I was just traveling through when I came here,” Charlotte replied dismissively. As their talk went on, Charlotte, smiling, explained her (tedious) responsibilities to the man, her viewpoints and ideals, et cetera. “I mostly just try to keep the town safe and settle other disputes…” she was saying. All this time she had been largely unaware of what was going on around her, but every bit of tension she was feeling earlier finally culminated at the moment when a man—Archie—burst through the front doors sending off rounds from his gun.

“Get down!” she yelled, more to herself than to any other person. She followed Simion’s lead by jumping behind the bar. For a moment, she felt defenseless, but the cold metal against her leg reminded her of the gun she brought along. Trying to be modest, she slipped her hand up her dress and unholstered the weapon, pointing it first at Archie. Then her eyes settled on the man he was aiming at.

A man that looked vaguely familiar.

But in Charlotte’s semi-drunken haze she was having a tough time connecting the dots. Finally, when he bolted, Lady Rose shrieked about offering a thousand dollars to anyone who could capture him, obviously sending many others out after the bandit.

“He’s wanted!” the sheriff realized, standing up and heading for the door. She felt wobbly, even in her flats, and she caught herself on the threshold of the door just as more rounds were fired, followed by a crash as something outside fell to the ground.

“Rat O’Hennessey…” she breathed, after the man had shouted his name. “He’s worth ten thousand dollars!”

She balled her hand into a fist and slammed it on the doorway.

“Damn it!” she snarled. “I can’t go after him like this. I’ll get myself killed!”

Of course, she didn’t necessarily have to get the man herself; it was more of a pride thing. It was really her job just to give the reward to whomever dragged the man in. Still though, she couldn’t believe she let something like this go down right under her nose.

The Sandy Rose Saloon

and I'm also just returning! I feel refreshed and ready to start up my RPing again :D gimme a bit to read up on all the IC posts and I'll see if I can make a smooth transition back in.

RPGC #3 -- Voting AND Discussion

Done! Record time!
Let’s begin, yes?
Disclaimer: Comments are based on preference alone, excluding those related to grammar. Anything stated may be ignorant or ridiculous and probably not even helpful. Most of these are rambly commentaries rather than constructive critiques, but I thought I'd might as well put in my 2 cents.

The Dark Places

Hi, Windy. *pause* *shifts feet* Feels kinda awkward talking to you in a (relatively) serious tone and not slinging exaggeratedly eloquent insults at you, but I shall try to surmount this. Er, let’s see… Where to begin?

I guess I should start off saying that I’m more than a little disappointed that you didn’t finish your entry—and I know you are too. But it’s okay, of course. You have a life, you had limited time, and you did your best with what you had. And, honestly? Not bad at all. Actually, it was great… No, “great” doesn’t do it justice. I’m making up a word for you: it was… bevixical. Yeah, I went there. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll reiterate it for emphasis, and so others reading this can laugh at me. I had to actually stop reading during some bits because things were getting a little, em… Spine-tingling. I don’t normally do that, I’ll have you know. You succeeded in giving me a mini panic attack regarding your hell-woman when I was still in my hypnagogic state the next morning. (Or does that only happen when falling asleep? Damn you, psychology!)

I feel like this is a stupid critique but I kinda got lost with your original names for planets/nations/ ethnic groups. I understand it would be foolish to just leave them out, but, I don’t know, I feel like you could’ve elaborated a bit more on the backgrounds of such terms. For example, we see Riley feels strong loathing toward Rei for being Lyanaise, and while some may connect the dots that it parallels our world’s Japanese nationality, we’re never really told why exactly Riley hates these people. Was Riley fighting these people? If so, why doesn’t Adrian hold such a grudge? (See Keyguyperson’s entry which had something similar, though I was fine with how it was executed there.) And before my train of thought thunders away, I also felt a little confused about the timeline. I’m not sure how exactly to word my questions about this, but I felt lost about the relationship between Adrian and Riley (they fought together yet got onboard at different times? Why is Adrian a war hero and Riley not?) I guess these are silly questions, but Windy, seriously, you know I’m not a very great reader, so if you did address these points in the text, please tell me.

But, at any rate, that doesn’t interfere with the actual story. And that’s really the only critical remark I can make… Ugh, just rereading the soulless speech of Adrian and that dude in the pit give me the major creeps.

Um, what else? I’ve been writing with you for a pretty long time bruh, and this outdoes even some of the best scenes I’ve seen you write in our many collabs. This story showed me the real limits of your writing skills, beyond Kaelyn (and all her many appearances), Terra, Alexa, Jake (who ACTUALLY Riley kinda reminds me of? Ja feel?), Kaden (the, um, the poor one), Brandon (yes, he counts), Autumn, Sierra, Ryan… You’ve made some outstanding characters, but this story is simply the metaphorical cherry on top. You wanted to write a horror story relating to the theme, and I can affirm you did that and so much more.

A Tale of Two Soldiers

I’d like to start off my review commending you for your ability to write such long stories in a pretty short span of time. I feel like if you can writing something as long as you do and not have the story completely fall apart, that’s something to brag about right there.

I enjoyed the idea of having a familiar topic such as war (and species analogous to nationalities we know) and plopping it all into a setting that coincides with the theme of the contest. I think it’s pretty cool that it was based off a true story; I almost want to call it a fanfic, but it obviously isn’t. It’s just kinda… adding your own flair and giving life to something, and you did a fantastic job doing it. Your style of writing appears very methodical at times and well-thought out, making the read much more immersive. The descriptions of desert hellhole Matrouh were excellent, especially all the references to the dust.

As you may know, I’m usually easily impressed (not that this should take away from the excellence of your story—it’s really good, I swear!), so, really, the only critique I can think of that makes any bit of sense is maybe a few grammatical quirks that I’m unsure are even errors at all, but differing style preferences. I was a little worried the story wouldn’t really have a kind of meaningful oomph to it, but the ending really hit it home with: “In that moment, they just cared that both of them were people, people in the same situation.” Absolutely loved that. Did you think of that yourself? I’d copyright that. Or trademark it, or whatever. It’s gold.

All in all, an enjoyable and enveloping story. I’m actually not too familiar with your writing (the only other work of yours I’ve read is Never Forget, but it seems you can certainly output some high-qual stuff.

P.S. In the entry I was thinking of submitting (but ended up deleting because it was rubbish), my main character, a girl, was named Carina. I dunno. Thought it was cool you used the name too.

The Birth of A Unlucky Star

Cliffhanger, eh? Not gonna complain; you’re talking to the king of things left unfinished. Heh.

I’m not usually a big fan of coloring in the text of dialogue, but I feel it’s fitting in the context of your story, considering the synesthetic references. If I had to pick, I’d say the thing you executed best in the story was in fact the dialogue, though not just the coloring of course. You carried out the banter between Centari, Leo, Palida, and the main character in a way that was natural, light, and playful. The universe you’ve created with the city and the personified stars
is intriguing, and I would undoubtably love to see a continuation to this. There’s something special (I think, at least) about the “Zeta Leonis” that just appeared in that world, and I wanna know what.

Your narration is smooth and eloquent, but those who praise flawless grammar would probably point out that a new paragraph should be made whenever a dialogue by another is introduced. (I don’t praise flawless grammar, but I suppose it’s something worth pointing out? Many people ignore this ‘rule’ though, so don’t worry.)

Overall, I’d say you’ve spun up a well-spun tale. :)

Wise Men

What? More cliffhangers?!

Your entry reminded me of like… a movie trailer. After the ending, I can see the screen flash black with a message giving a debut date and the title of the movie. The biblical references but coming from space have very exciting implications that I personally love. It’s just… Ugh, yes! All meshed together so nicely. What a creative and different idea, yet indescribably familiar? Wise men, coming from the East (er… space), following a star to bring gifts to a child born in a manger. Christmas and space. My two favorite things.

Your story is shorter than some of the others (not a bad thing; just less to comment on), but I’d say your grammar is spot on. Also, I particularly liked your development of Catherine (I love venomous females). Like the other cliffhangers before this, I’d much enjoy reading a follow up!

As Beautiful as the Stars

Mikhal and Catheryn. Interesting names. I tried to Google whether or not they were astronomically significant, but they don’t appear to be. Correct me if I’m wrong though!

You worked with the prompt for a different angle, which was nice. Instead of being about or set in the cosmos, your story was 100% Earth-experience. (Or, if the world which they live on isn’t Earth, it’s an experience that is familiar on Earth). Merely two lovers, enjoying possibly their last night underneath the same stars together. I also liked the rich girl/worker-class boy thing going on.

Oh, and I want to add that you slipped in that North Star reference very smoothly. Kudos!

I have one criticism for you… I wish you had put the lyrics of the song Mikhal sang with his lute. Even if you’re not a songwriter, it’d be good practice for spitting some poetic fire. And I truly believe you could have done it because Mikhal’s speech is exactly like that too. If you couldn’t think of something good because of time, that’s fine. But if you merely didn’t want to or felt you couldn’t do one well enough, I suggest you try! :)

Regardless, that is only a small quirk. Otherwise your story was well-written and, I hate using this word but it seems appropriate, cute.

Per Aspera, Ad Astra

“Through hardships, to the stars.” A delightfully appropriate title.

What a sad and beautifully written story. The idea of the narrator trying to figure out what being a friend truly means driving the plot gives an excellent rhythm and comes to a crescendo when Astie passes away. The way you wrote it just… It really gets you in the feels. The way the stars left Astie’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks? That’s just downright depressing! Who couldn’t feel empathy for the poor girl?

While this may seem like a criticism, it isn’t. I’m just confused about how Astie really died… And also what exactly being a friend meant. I like it when things are spelled out for me. But I understand that being literarily vague and not mentioning things for the reader to figure out is a very common art, so I can’t complain. But would you mind answering these for me anyway? :)

(But of course, you don’t have to.)

Cosmic Mind

I don’t know if I’d call this a fanfic, but since it’s “loosely based”… Ah, whatever.

I’m gonna do something different here: open with criticism and end with praise.

The biggest criticism I can find in your story is this: the sentence flow. Your story itself flowed just fine, but I noticed you tended to put a lot of information and implications into a sentence without offering many other details. Take these sentences for example: “A stinger tail grew from the back of Scorpio’s head and struck the thing as it opened the door. I backed away as I saw a human recoil from the attack, though once I recovered myself, I immediately saw its green skin and large, black eyes. Ahead I saw more of the green men as they fired upon us with machine guns.” There was just a lot of action here that I feel you could’ve spread out a bit more, you feel? It’s nothing serious, of course. For all I know, you may have written it like that on purpose.

Other than that, your story is free of grammar errors (that I can remember), structured appropriately and meaningfully, and included… wait for it, another cliffhanger! I feel like the “whole” story has the potential to be very long, so I can understand why you stopped where you did. Anyway, I would say you did a great job setting up fir the rest of the story.

Star Crossed

That ending tho. I didn’t quite expect that final sentence… You certainly had a creative idea though. While I’m assuming you’re going for the “Pluto” bonus category, you didn’t just make it, I don’t know, a story based on Pluto, or someone named Pluto or something. A boy with a passion for space committing a suicide instigated by the rejection of Pluto as a planet was a gracefully somber way to take on the prompt.

Although the story is masterfully written, my only comment is that no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t wrap my mind around the fact that the boy did what he did because of a planet (or, er, a dwarf planet). And the worst part of it is that I can’t tell if this is satire or not. I want to say it isn’t, which explains my intense guilt at having to repress a snicker upon reading the last line. I apologize for that. I mean, I can understand the boy literally being in love with Pluto, 100% enamored, but I feel that its status as a planet or not, a rather subjective definition which humans created, should not have as profound an impact on him as it did. After all, planet or not, Pluto remains there in the sky, still in orbit, still beautiful.

However, I’m not saying I don’t like the ending—it was merely unexpected, which I have no problem with. And for that, I can say that it was one of my favorite reads here.

The Meta Universe

Fin.

Noggin.

Duuuuude.

Hope no one’s gonna click this, hehe. Or maybe I just shouldn’t have included it here at all, and that’d be less conspicuous… Hmm. No, no. There were two poems, only listing one would give it away too. Meh. If you clicked this then, umm… Congrats. You were gonna find out I wrote it eventually. But I like surprises. I dunno. I’m rambling. Just like in my poem. I’m a rambler. I could literally just jabber for hours while still not making an iota of sense…

Ok but seriously I should stop before I actually do end up doing that. LOL

Oh, and as for my work being poetry/prose, I originally thought it’d be poetry just because poetry is also a play on structure (?) which I kinda thought I did with the paragraph breaks being different entities. Either way, it doesn’t make a difference to me! :D

Time and Space

I’m going to continue with the theme that, if I voted for the entry, I’m not gonna review it because, obviously, it’s what I felt had the most strengths and least flaws. And also was just kickass in general. Seriously, I wanted to turn this into a rap.

Lifeline, the app

I'm talking about the "choose your story" app about the young science student/astronaut Taylor. I finished it a couple days ago and have been toying around with the different storylines and possibilities.

Spoiler

It seems that all "win" scenarios are the same. However, there are a few different paths to take there, and, depending on what you choose, you can discover more weird quirks about the moon Taylor is stranded on. What I'm really curious about is, when you approach the peak on day 3, and you suggest going around the peak instead of through the door immediately, he discovers some Chinese writing carved into the stone on the other side. I was trying to figure out if there's any path you can take that will allow him to read it (like, finding a Chinese-English dictionary on the crashed caravel?).

Either way, it was certainly a creative idea with those green alien things taking over living and dead organisms, as well as the "traveling through time and space" to find host bodies. I'm just curious as to why Taylor never encountered other host bodies, like the Chinese astronauts, or the bodies of the countless other ships that had been destroyed by the pulse.

Any thoughts/criticisms about the story?

RPGC #3 -- Voting AND Discussion

Just finished reading the entries at the beach today. (Super relaxing. Forgot sunscreen. Much regret.)

Anywho,

@vote I'm voting for Time and Space. It gave me chills.

And on a somewhat related note, since I'm on vacation and until the end of which am taking a small break from roleplays, I think I'm gonna throw up some reviews! There's a lot less to work with than the first contest.

The Sandy Rose Saloon

Hey y'all I'm gonna be on vacation for the next week. Just thought I should put that out there. Most but not all nights I should be able to get a post up. :) Unfortunately I barely have time to write this post so I have to apologize to anyone waiting for a reply from me... If you're in dire need of a post or something, send me a PM or tag me and I'll try to throw something up while on the go :D