Was this inspired by Event Horizon (1997), perchance?

Anyways, a powerful entry that made effective use of its tone, especially in its latter half; notably, the shift in tone didn't feel smooth to me, though I can't place exactly when. I enjoyed the variety in the five protagonists, as well as the minor developments each went through as a character—though pivotal moments like Rei's sudden slap felt a bit forced, and Riley in general seemed to stumble around personality-wise. As for the story in general, the pacing was usually on-the-spot, and the frantic switches between perspectives were great. I can dig the cliffhanger, but it didn't feel quite like an intended location for one, especially in a short story. We weren't particularly close to seeing what could be the conclusion, and there wasn't any particular arc ending right there.

For the most part, my qualms with the actual writing were mostly near the beginning of the entry—the first two paragraphs in particular. It felt like there was too much effort going into being as descriptive and literarily impressive as possible, which ultimately just makes for purple prose. One thing to consider is the use of a variety of words both not directly related to the subject matter and not related to each other: sapphire, divine wings, and serpent, for example, do not belong to any shared lexical group, making the description unfocused. Another aspect to consider is redundancy—the second and third sentences could have been reorganized in such a way that the darkness and blackness need not have been re-emphasized, and scorch marks, scars of blaster fire, and layers of ash all seem to be the same thing to me. Finally, there was a tendency towards the removal of minor words in cases where the meaning can be easily understood without. This is good in small amounts, such as how the short phrases in No way out with the door mechanically sealed, no windows, all alone hold greater effect through their curtness. However, using it in less meaningful contexts, such as the lack of articles in a room of shadow, the darkness kept at bay, and a steel wall as well as just repeatedly in pretty much every other sentence in the second paragraph weakens the overall effect of each one.

For an example of description I liked later on, take the introduction of Liam. It was short, to-the-point, and direct. The whole time, it was the individual being described, not a conglomerate of parts that are only assumed to be a whole by inference. The same applied to the description of the man at the bottom of the pit. (I'll note that the description of the pit and bones went opposite to these guidelines, but was effective in that situation due to its chaotic and horrific nature.)

Yeah, so that's what made the first two paragraphs feel like purple prose to me.

Oh, and a minor note, the first time the whisper was mentioned, it felt like it should have been placed between "Works with me." Adrian said and But he jumped and turned around. As is, it cuts away the jolt the reader should feel.

All-in-all, a great entry with strong atmosphere and characters. It's really just details that get in the way.

Another quality work, and as usual, there isn't much to criticize about the actual writing of the piece. I'm growing rather fond of your writing, as you have a knack of introducing setting-specific info—such a racial traits of the Murtaden and the Carina—without shoving it in the reader's face. (Although I did feel like Hariwini's attitude towards his men was a bit too much tell, not enough show.)

Because there is not much of note to analyze in that regard, I shall therefore now focus on story elements.

Both Günther and Yehiel were good characters, but I personally felt they were lacking in depth as presented. Neither character really changed much as the story progressed, and really, neither had much of an effect on the story itself. The plot was designed to culminate in the massive significance of a small gesture—two enemy soldiers holding hands. However, this gesture lacked significance largely because we were given little reason to see it as unusual. Yes, they were enemies, but neither of the two characters nor the rest of the armies to which they belonged were shown to express any particular distaste for their opposites. Indeed, there wasn't really any noticeable difference between the two armies. In making a big deal out of a little thing, contrast is most powerful.

Such contrast would also have helped to give more conflict, which was rather lacking in the story. Of course, there was fighting, but when it amounts to shooting blindly at a wall of sand, it ends up being raw action. Still has tension, but doesn't act as a powerful plot-mover—not, of course, that it needs to be.

In summary, a very well-written story with all the correct pieces, but that didn't give me a strong enough reason to appreciate the conclusion.

The were a lot of typoes, sentence structure malformations, and other such errors—particularly near the beginning. I won't go into detail on it, because it really seems to be a localized problem, but I do find it at least worthy of mention.

As for the headnotes, I didn't find them particularly useful, nor necessary. The distinction between what I assume to be thoughtspeak and normal speech is hardly looked into and not really used in any relevant fashion in the entry. True, it may have helped with the bot scene, but murmurs would have functioned just as well if it was for plot purposes. When introducing particularities to a setting, it pays well to make sure that these particularities have some tangible function in the context of the story. Similarly, not once did I notice these melded senses become relevant.

Quirks like those aren't bad, but they may alienate some readers. This is particularly relevant because these quirks directly affect the narrative technique.

As for the notes on names, those were alright, though they would have served better as footnotes than headnotes, after we had been given a chance to see the characters with the names in use.

As for the story, it felt jumbled and somewhat difficult to follow. Not the events—not much really happened anyways. Rather, the way the story was presented was largely through the exposition given by the three male stars. However, this exposition itself was jumbled by the confusion of the characters themselves, was largely superficial, and often came long after the information would have been useful. (This is also a factor in the sparse narration. For example, when Centari called her a him, I was very confused and thought the character's gender must've been poorly established from the beginning, and that I had simply mixed it up somehow. Because there was nothing there to draw any attention towards the blunder, it wasn't until the conversation much later that I realized it was intentional.)

The greatest issue to me is that this exposition is indeed the entirety of the story. The nameless girl is poofed into existence, is told that there is indeed a setting, and then shoved away by a plot that is given no explanation. We can assume the bot is sent by the corrupt stars, but that is like assuming there is a thief when one's wallet disappears. Until one starts looking for the thief, there isn't really a plot.

What to get out of this is that there was a lot of time spent setting up for a plot and presenting a setting, and not nearly enough time given actually completing the plot and utilizing the setting.

That being said, character interaction was certainly the forte of this piece.

Good writing in here, and while it became a little difficult discerning between the non-Peter scientists at times, both Catherine and Peter made for interesting characters with decent depth—especially for the latter. The back-and-forth conversation and the measured dissemination of information to the reader was very effective in maintaining tension and making me want to push ahead and find out more.

And yet, this is not really much of a story. It forms a strong introduction, a gripping hook, but nothing else. The characters don't even scratch the surface of whatever seems to be happening, and it doesn't go on long enough for us to see any of it. No resolution whatsoever, and not even enough to form a solid conflict to cliffhang off of.

In short, great piece, but cut out way to early to be a powerful story.

The writing's fine, but I've seen this sort of scene play out enough times that none of it strikes any chords with me. Perhaps I might appreciate their moonlit romance more if more was known of Catheryn and Mikhal as individuals, but for now, they are simply a staple of star-crossed lovers. I wish I could say more, but the entry is quite short, and nothing in particular jumps out at me either positive or negative.

A nicely poetic story. Consistently using words of a cosmic lexical nature to describe Astie was a nice touch, tying her into the final theme of becoming one with the stars. I also liked the small doses of alliteration in a companion, a champion, and a confidant as well as a playmate, a protector, a prom date.

And yet, though the story is sweet and contains all the necessary elements to properly display its theme, by its short nature, it is forced into a tell-not-show narrative. Essentially, I only got to understand the two characters on a surface level, and only when it directly related to the theme of the entry. Without tension and with a rather softly dealt twist, this meant that the entry wasn't particularly compelling to me. It relies largely on the fact that it depicts something that is generally considered a taboo in a positive light.

In other words, it was very well done, but not ambitious enough to really impress me.

The trouble here is largely that of pacing. It is a little difficult to properly analyze, and my stories too regularly suffer from poor pacing.

To start, transitions between scenes are sudden, and often feel arbitrary. For example, near the end, when Virgo passes through the black hole, the scene break is given before she blacks out, which gives the impression of a double-black-out. If the break had happened between when she lost consciousness and when she woke up, this would more closely tie the narration with the content, and from a first-person perspective, that would make a lot more sense. Other scene cuts—the beam-me-down-Scotty and the switch from leaving the building to running—feel largely unnecessary, as there is almost no passage of time between them. This is particularly true of the latter of the two, as all that has changed is a movement of setting, from inside the building to outside of it—a change of setting that merited no switch earlier when they were entering the building in the first place. The action flows directly, too—I [...] left the building and then I ran off, knowing the others can't be trusted. Having this extra break both impedes the rapidity of action in this context, and weakens the effect of the more significant time-skips.

Another issue of pacing here is that the readers are never given time to slow down and absorb the events. The prologue, if you will, was very short, and as such did not give us any time to appreciate Virgo's humanity. This is causes a dissociation between what the reader feels and what the character goes through later on, because we had no reason to think that Virgo valued her humanity until she had her breakdown. And because we go so quickly from Earth's destruction to the invasion of Mars, the realization that she had been tricked into joining her conquerors did not come as much of a shock.

Finally, because the events moved so quickly, nothing ever felt justified. The characters weren't given the chance to develop, so motives, the introduction of new powers, and realizations all felt like they were simply there because the plot demanded it. There was conflict, and there was change, but because there was never a status quo from which to start, it lost a lot of its meaning in the process.

Any other misgivings I might have with this entry are the result of these pacing issues. The rest is fine, and seeing as it is acting largely as a backstory for a character vengeful motives, the cliffhanger is effective and appropriate.

Goodness, I thought he might be talking about Pluto, but I couldn't imagine anyone would actually go through with that. Had me feeling a little giggly inside—I hope this entry wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, despite the suicide and all.

The description is mostly in good taste, with but a few typoes—peer (sight) versus pier (dock)—and some repetitiveness—fair being used twice for the same thing, and boy and boyish being in such close proximity. The moment is moving and a little chilling, and the total reversal from the note is great. There may not be much here, but I liked what I found.

While certainly formatted like a poem, this reads to me more like the sort of dialogue you might find in theatre. As such, I won't even bother reviewing it like poetry, because it seems to me that would be an effort in futility.

It was dramatic, with many effective uses of parallel structure, interjections, and contrasting perspectives—but ultimately, it was just a conversation between a pessimist and an optimist about the nature of the cosmos. While the two individuals have conflicting perspectives, neither of their stances is ever really challenged by the opposite, and as such nothing really changes between the beginning and end of the piece, making it simply an example of good literary technique.

I am fond of rhyming in poetry, though I'll note that it wasn't until the verse-pairs started to balance out in metre that it started to work.

I understood snippets of meaning, but on the whole, I find myself wondering whether this poem was intended to simply be a thematically consistent conglomerate of pretty speech. It is difficult to follow the intent of the piece, and this makes it difficult to figure out what to look for.

I am far more of a story analyst than a poet, and so I fear that I'll have to leave it at that.

Hi, Windy. *pause* *shifts feet* Feels kinda awkward talking to you in a (relatively) serious tone and not slinging exaggeratedly eloquent insults at you, but I shall try to surmount this. Er, let’s see… Where to begin?

I guess I should start off saying that I’m more than a little disappointed that you didn’t finish your entry—and I know you are too. But it’s okay, of course. You have a life, you had limited time, and you did your best with what you had. And, honestly? Not bad at all. Actually, it was great… No, “great” doesn’t do it justice. I’m making up a word for you: it was… bevixical. Yeah, I went there. You already know what I’m about to say, but I’ll reiterate it for emphasis, and so others reading this can laugh at me. I had to actually stop reading during some bits because things were getting a little, em… Spine-tingling. I don’t normally do that, I’ll have you know. You succeeded in giving me a mini panic attack regarding your hell-woman when I was still in my hypnagogic state the next morning. (Or does that only happen when falling asleep? Damn you, psychology!)

I feel like this is a stupid critique but I kinda got lost with your original names for planets/nations/ ethnic groups. I understand it would be foolish to just leave them out, but, I don’t know, I feel like you could’ve elaborated a bit more on the backgrounds of such terms. For example, we see Riley feels strong loathing toward Rei for being Lyanaise, and while some may connect the dots that it parallels our world’s Japanese nationality, we’re never really told why exactly Riley hates these people. Was Riley fighting these people? If so, why doesn’t Adrian hold such a grudge? (See Keyguyperson’s entry which had something similar, though I was fine with how it was executed there.) And before my train of thought thunders away, I also felt a little confused about the timeline. I’m not sure how exactly to word my questions about this, but I felt lost about the relationship between Adrian and Riley (they fought together yet got onboard at different times? Why is Adrian a war hero and Riley not?) I guess these are silly questions, but Windy, seriously, you know I’m not a very great reader, so if you did address these points in the text, please tell me.

But, at any rate, that doesn’t interfere with the actual story. And that’s really the only critical remark I can make… Ugh, just rereading the soulless speech of Adrian and that dude in the pit give me the major creeps.

Um, what else? I’ve been writing with you for a pretty long time bruh, and this outdoes even some of the best scenes I’ve seen you write in our many collabs. This story showed me the real limits of your writing skills, beyond Kaelyn (and all her many appearances), Terra, Alexa, Jake (who ACTUALLY Riley kinda reminds me of? Ja feel?), Kaden (the, um, the poor one), Brandon (yes, he counts), Autumn, Sierra, Ryan… You’ve made some outstanding characters, but this story is simply the metaphorical cherry on top. You wanted to write a horror story relating to the theme, and I can affirm you did that and so much more.

I’d like to start off my review commending you for your ability to write such long stories in a pretty short span of time. I feel like if you can writing something as long as you do and not have the story completely fall apart, that’s something to brag about right there.

I enjoyed the idea of having a familiar topic such as war (and species analogous to nationalities we know) and plopping it all into a setting that coincides with the theme of the contest. I think it’s pretty cool that it was based off a true story; I almost want to call it a fanfic, but it obviously isn’t. It’s just kinda… adding your own flair and giving life to something, and you did a fantastic job doing it. Your style of writing appears very methodical at times and well-thought out, making the read much more immersive. The descriptions of desert hellhole Matrouh were excellent, especially all the references to the dust.

As you may know, I’m usually easily impressed (not that this should take away from the excellence of your story—it’s really good, I swear!), so, really, the only critique I can think of that makes any bit of sense is maybe a few grammatical quirks that I’m unsure are even errors at all, but differing style preferences. I was a little worried the story wouldn’t really have a kind of meaningful oomph to it, but the ending really hit it home with: “In that moment, they just cared that both of them were people, people in the same situation.” Absolutely loved that. Did you think of that yourself? I’d copyright that. Or trademark it, or whatever. It’s gold.

All in all, an enjoyable and enveloping story. I’m actually not too familiar with your writing (the only other work of yours I’ve read is Never Forget, but it seems you can certainly output some high-qual stuff.

P.S. In the entry I was thinking of submitting (but ended up deleting because it was rubbish), my main character, a girl, was named Carina. I dunno. Thought it was cool you used the name too.

Cliffhanger, eh? Not gonna complain; you’re talking to the king of things left unfinished. Heh.

I’m not usually a big fan of coloring in the text of dialogue, but I feel it’s fitting in the context of your story, considering the synesthetic references. If I had to pick, I’d say the thing you executed best in the story was in fact the dialogue, though not just the coloring of course. You carried out the banter between Centari, Leo, Palida, and the main character in a way that was natural, light, and playful. The universe you’ve created with the city and the personified stars
is intriguing, and I would undoubtably love to see a continuation to this. There’s something special (I think, at least) about the “Zeta Leonis” that just appeared in that world, and I wanna know what.

Your narration is smooth and eloquent, but those who praise flawless grammar would probably point out that a new paragraph should be made whenever a dialogue by another is introduced. (I don’t praise flawless grammar, but I suppose it’s something worth pointing out? Many people ignore this ‘rule’ though, so don’t worry.)

Overall, I’d say you’ve spun up a well-spun tale. :)

What? More cliffhangers?!

Your entry reminded me of like… a movie trailer. After the ending, I can see the screen flash black with a message giving a debut date and the title of the movie. The biblical references but coming from space have very exciting implications that I personally love. It’s just… Ugh, yes! All meshed together so nicely. What a creative and different idea, yet indescribably familiar? Wise men, coming from the East (er… space), following a star to bring gifts to a child born in a manger. Christmas and space. My two favorite things.

Your story is shorter than some of the others (not a bad thing; just less to comment on), but I’d say your grammar is spot on. Also, I particularly liked your development of Catherine (I love venomous females). Like the other cliffhangers before this, I’d much enjoy reading a follow up!

Mikhal and Catheryn. Interesting names. I tried to Google whether or not they were astronomically significant, but they don’t appear to be. Correct me if I’m wrong though!

You worked with the prompt for a different angle, which was nice. Instead of being about or set in the cosmos, your story was 100% Earth-experience. (Or, if the world which they live on isn’t Earth, it’s an experience that is familiar on Earth). Merely two lovers, enjoying possibly their last night underneath the same stars together. I also liked the rich girl/worker-class boy thing going on.

Oh, and I want to add that you slipped in that North Star reference very smoothly. Kudos!

I have one criticism for you… I wish you had put the lyrics of the song Mikhal sang with his lute. Even if you’re not a songwriter, it’d be good practice for spitting some poetic fire. And I truly believe you could have done it because Mikhal’s speech is exactly like that too. If you couldn’t think of something good because of time, that’s fine. But if you merely didn’t want to or felt you couldn’t do one well enough, I suggest you try! :)

Regardless, that is only a small quirk. Otherwise your story was well-written and, I hate using this word but it seems appropriate, cute.

“Through hardships, to the stars.” A delightfully appropriate title.

What a sad and beautifully written story. The idea of the narrator trying to figure out what being a friend truly means driving the plot gives an excellent rhythm and comes to a crescendo when Astie passes away. The way you wrote it just… It really gets you in the feels. The way the stars left Astie’s eyes and rolled down her cheeks? That’s just downright depressing! Who couldn’t feel empathy for the poor girl?

While this may seem like a criticism, it isn’t. I’m just confused about how Astie really died… And also what exactly being a friend meant. I like it when things are spelled out for me. But I understand that being literarily vague and not mentioning things for the reader to figure out is a very common art, so I can’t complain. But would you mind answering these for me anyway? :)

(But of course, you don’t have to.)

I don’t know if I’d call this a fanfic, but since it’s “loosely based”… Ah, whatever.

I’m gonna do something different here: open with criticism and end with praise.

The biggest criticism I can find in your story is this: the sentence flow. Your story itself flowed just fine, but I noticed you tended to put a lot of information and implications into a sentence without offering many other details. Take these sentences for example: “A stinger tail grew from the back of Scorpio’s head and struck the thing as it opened the door. I backed away as I saw a human recoil from the attack, though once I recovered myself, I immediately saw its green skin and large, black eyes. Ahead I saw more of the green men as they fired upon us with machine guns.” There was just a lot of action here that I feel you could’ve spread out a bit more, you feel? It’s nothing serious, of course. For all I know, you may have written it like that on purpose.

Other than that, your story is free of grammar errors (that I can remember), structured appropriately and meaningfully, and included… wait for it, another cliffhanger! I feel like the “whole” story has the potential to be very long, so I can understand why you stopped where you did. Anyway, I would say you did a great job setting up fir the rest of the story.

That ending tho. I didn’t quite expect that final sentence… You certainly had a creative idea though. While I’m assuming you’re going for the “Pluto” bonus category, you didn’t just make it, I don’t know, a story based on Pluto, or someone named Pluto or something. A boy with a passion for space committing a suicide instigated by the rejection of Pluto as a planet was a gracefully somber way to take on the prompt.

Although the story is masterfully written, my only comment is that no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t wrap my mind around the fact that the boy did what he did because of a planet (or, er, a dwarf planet). And the worst part of it is that I can’t tell if this is satire or not. I want to say it isn’t, which explains my intense guilt at having to repress a snicker upon reading the last line. I apologize for that. I mean, I can understand the boy literally being in love with Pluto, 100% enamored, but I feel that its status as a planet or not, a rather subjective definition which humans created, should not have as profound an impact on him as it did. After all, planet or not, Pluto remains there in the sky, still in orbit, still beautiful.

However, I’m not saying I don’t like the ending—it was merely unexpected, which I have no problem with. And for that, I can say that it was one of my favorite reads here.

Fin.

Noggin.

Duuuuude.

Hope no one’s gonna click this, hehe. Or maybe I just shouldn’t have included it here at all, and that’d be less conspicuous… Hmm. No, no. There were two poems, only listing one would give it away too. Meh. If you clicked this then, umm… Congrats. You were gonna find out I wrote it eventually. But I like surprises. I dunno. I’m rambling. Just like in my poem. I’m a rambler. I could literally just jabber for hours while still not making an iota of sense…

Ok but seriously I should stop before I actually do end up doing that. LOL

Oh, and as for my work being poetry/prose, I originally thought it’d be poetry just because poetry is also a play on structure (?) which I kinda thought I did with the paragraph breaks being different entities. Either way, it doesn’t make a difference to me! :D

I’m going to continue with the theme that, if I voted for the entry, I’m not gonna review it because, obviously, it’s what I felt had the most strengths and least flaws. And also was just kickass in general. Seriously, I wanted to turn this into a rap.

@dark wind

So first off, lemme put this into perspective. When I’m reading this story, I feel like I’m watching one of the better Riddick movies (I love the better Riddick movies). The level you’re writing at plot-wise puts you there – I am talking, frankly, to someone who’s getting damn close to professional. CLOSE. How much of that gap could be crossed if you just had another month to work on this, I don’t know – but the gap isn’t very big, so uh, believe me when I say….. This is beyond good. You’re rapidly approaching ‘good enough’ to do what I suspect you’ve been thinking about doing for a while. And that’s huge. I wanna do what I can to help get you there, and that means a chirping moron on the internet is about to say mean things about your work in the sincere hope that it benefits you.

1. The editing process needs work. Spoiler – you didn’t finish writing in the first place, because I didn’t give you enough time, and if you’d even STARTED editing at such a point, I’d be mad about that. I bring it up because of where you are in your development – look at what you can handle here, right? This is gold. Let me be clear about what I’m saying – at some point, between now and the future, you and every other aspiring author will need to develop the skill by which you refine your stories. You’re practicing something else right now, something more important (the story itself) – and what I’m saying is, you’ve got a real good handle on that. The editing process is not simply going to grow out of that expertise. It needs to be practiced, too. I’d like to see it. Of course, if you’d rather provide me with 30 minutes at the edge of my seat every month, when I can’t even tear my eyes away to get fresh coffee, that works for me!

2. The dialogue is missing some credibility. Particularly towards the beginning (which is something you’ll be able to clear up better when you have time to go back and rewrite things). A lot of the time, this doesn’t sound like “Something a soldier would say.” It sounds like “Something a writer thinks a soldier would say.” Damned if that’s not a hard obstacle to climb, believe me, I know, and if you’re looking for it, you spot that same mistake in nearly every show on television. So you’re in good company, and a lot of it. Still – that’s something that every single person needs to be working on every time they write dialogue. I won’t sugarcoat it – that ‘kawaii’ bit turned my stomach a little. It gets a lot better when you’re putting these characters into your dark situations – when they’re living in your world, you’re earning gold stars. When you’re living in theirs, though? That part needs work – and not necessarily writing work, either. Mark Twain wrote a good steamboat captain because he learned how to pilot steamboats. Idunno if you need to go that far (at least I hope not, since we’re a ways off from interdimensional warp gates), but maybe there’s a way to draw more personal experience into the characters – or if not that, maybe there’s a way to get some more personal experiences. Maybe this complaint disappears if you get a fair chance to edit (or hell, even FINISH) the story before I read it. Can’t say for sure.

3. The characters are strong enough that they should be stronger – more different from one another, in their attitudes, their mannerisms, speech, etc. Take Liam and Riley – two completely different people, right from the get-go, but there’s no friction – er, okay, that’s not fair, she does freak out in the first scene. There’s just…. Idunno. For how different these people are, one to the next, they all sort of process things the same way, and I’m really stretching it when I say that – I can’t think of a good way to put what I’m feeling down on paper. Somehow, some way, using some really special and unique writer stuff – is there a way for you to make these characters feel more diverse? More back-and-forth, more playful ribbing, maybe more hurt feelings – I don’t know – it’s like the groundwork is all there, you’ve already done the hard part of creating characters and letting them drive – but it’s not all showing. Or it is, and I’m managing to miss it – heck, there’s a scene in there with Rei flipping out, that counts, right? I could be the only one thinking it, but my reaction is, for all the ways they’re not the same, they’re just a little bit too similar for my taste. I keep second-guessing that feeling, keep going back to the text and finding ways I’m wrong – but the feeling persists.

All told, what I’m reading here is above and beyond great. If that got lost in my way-too-broad thinking points, yell at me. There’s syntax and grammar stuff wrong, because, I mean…. How could there not be, all things considered? I don’t want to see those, which means I don’t want to see incomplete things, which I guess kinda means I’d rather see something shorter that you have time to polish. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want more of this. I want all of this. I want you to lock yourself in a cellar for three months, finish this, and sell it to Hollywood. I can’t even. This is spectacular stuff in all the best ways possible. Top. Marks.

@Keyguyperson

Well you did it again. Super happy that this made it in time. Shocking to precisely nobody at this point, this was your shortest entry to date my god how is that even possible, and while some of the grandeur of the first two is missing – this doesn’t really suffer much. It’s appropriately titled, in that this really isn’t about the war or the fuhrerinas or the greater moral implications – it’s about two guys. And it’s really, really well focused on that. We could always do more, go deeper, cover a wider stretch of time, but I’m really happy with how the pacing fits the scope. This came out great. Again, it’s my solemn and annoying duty to whine about things, and while I don’t have many complaints – I do have some. Hoping this helps.

1. The sentence structure is occasionally – but repeatedly – very sloppy. A product, I would guess, of the rushed writing schedule…. Then again, after going back and checking, I’ve complained about syntax before. It’s sneaking past you sometimes. Besides the glowing praise, this seemed like the most important thing to bring up. There’s a bad run-on right as Gunther is being introduced, and after that I counted three or four other spots where absorbing the sentence became a (welcome) chore. Find those. Practice finding those. Practice killing those. When you’re doing powerful stories like, well, anything you’ve submitted to date – you can get away with a lot of bad habits. You earn that as a reward for being brilliant. Refuse that reward. I can’t imagine that you need any help on that – but since I’m talking anyway, critiquing other people’s work has helped me spot this kind of thing in my own writing. Anyway it’s hardly surprising that in ^that much^ story, one or two awkward sentences are gonna be inevitable. Eradicating them is an important part of the process. You know all this. I’m being a windbag. Moving on.

2. (((WARNING: STYLE THING, THIS IS ALL PREFERENCE))) I think there’s a little too much repetition of technology. For instance, if everyone is using railguns, do you really have to specify ‘railgun slug?’ Or, if they’re hovertanks and we’ve established they’re hovertanks, does the narrator have to explicitly talk about how they’re different from treaded tanks? It felt totally natural in Small House with the hikomizu tanks, but for some reason, it was sticking out to me here. I can’t really explain why, except maybe since we were so focused on the two soldiers, the equipment details seemed out of place. In a normal KeyGuyPerson story, this level of detail would be totally justified, because the scale is so much bigger. Small House was about the technology, in a big way – here I could do just as well with ubiquitous guns, tanks, or bullets. Then again, since this is the same universe as Never Forget, it could very well be serving some important context in a much bigger picture, and if that’s the case, ignore me.

3. This doesn’t really count as a complaint. I wanted to highlight the Carina troops reacting to their general with that ironic cheer, right as the orders are given. That is a princess-cut diamond, I mean, a perfect way to end a scene – I want so much more of that throughout. Comparing sweat patterns is fantastic species characterization, really well done, but that scene isn’t ending on a diamond. The Wolf of the Core scene with Gunther is teed-up to be a diamond finish, but it just stays a little bit rough – he’s not convinced that there isn’t a plan, and he thinks that, okay, effective…. Not a diamond though. How can I possibly expect you to do that every single time over eight scenes and like fifteen pages written in like a day? Ludicrous. Unreasonable. Just….. think about it as you’re conceiving the next thing, because god knows you’ve got it in you to nail this stuff.

TL:DR – reading your stories makes me self-conscious. They’re that good, like, every single time. I mean you put the key in keyboard. This story in particular was notably well-paced and very focused, with credible characters in an incredible setting. What else can I even ask for? I’m an ingrate. But there is the rare out-stuck sore thumb, or comparably sore anyway, as if to remind me that @Keyguyperson is in fact, I strongly suspect, a human being. I could be wrong on that. If I haven’t specifically whined about it, it was impeccable, and that covers pretty much the whole damn story. Someday, sir, they’re gonna stop making history. THEN how will you squeeze out a single manly tear from my eye? Honestly…… keep doing what you’re doing.

@SilverWolfAngel

This reminds me of an introductory episode to anime serieseses…. In that, big things are being set up and sometimes displayed, but in a (deliberately) confusing way, so that they can be explained and used later on. In some seriessss, the payoff is worth the initial confusion and it turns into a really cool story; sometimes, not so much. In all cases (not just anime), when the introduction is structured like this – MC doesn’t know what’s going on, there’s a nameless conflict and unseen malevolent forces, and hey your powers are cool but we gotta worry about that later – in all cases, at this point, it’s too early to really judge the big story. I’m as lost as apparently-Beta-Leonis. I’m supposed to be as lost as Beta Leonis. That seems like the point, and the point was accomplished, and I can’t say for sure – without knowing the rest of the story – whether or not that was a smart move. So let’s not worry about the plot and structure parts of the review.

First the bad -- formatting is uncomfortable to read. The colored speech is absolutely required, in order to make sense of this – and it really shouldn’t be. Proper writing doesn’t require colors. Even though they’re cool! You made it work, and the coloration does sorta add a character element (especially with Palida’s soft-purple) – what you did, you did well. But that doesn’t mean you should be doing it in the first place. Line breaks for new speakers – that’s a good rule, and it should only be broken for good reasons.

The medium -- Echoing [@Homishire], the head/footnotes aren’t adding anything to this entry, other than the implication that this story is meant to be continued. Here’s the thing: footnotes exist to incorporate things that cannot be explained in the narrative. Things like citations, historical context, or how things are different in the story than in real life. @KeyGuyPerson does it right. But when the note is something that can be shown in the story, it really should be shown in the story. So for example, ‘bold text means they’re hearing it in their head’ – don’t tell us that before starting. Just establish it within the story. That goes for most of the exposition, too – instead of having someone sit down and explain that there are pro teams, and corrupted wishes, and powers, and all that – just show us those things happening naturally.

Now the good -- your characters were really good though! This is a great cast of people, with interesting group dynamics. And the conflict that you just barely introduced is interesting. The ideas behind it are cool, and the potential for a totally sweet, big, long, intricate story? All totally there. Like I said though – this really feels like a confusing first-episode sort of thing, and it’s too early to really tell if it’s all going to work in the end. The only things I know for certain -- that formatting is rough, and there’s lots of little mistakes throughout, but there’s also some great stuff in here, and lots of potential.

It’s an interesting idea….. what if we found aliens and they turned out to be christians? It left me right, I suppose, where it should – unsure if I should be really happy or really friggin’ scared. The characterization of Catherine was nicely done – everyone else sorta felt like an extension of her, like, when the intern was all nervous and awkward, or when Peter feels empowered, it’s all because of the atmosphere we see Catherine create. Consistent and, most importantly, interesting – good job on that. Some of the rest feels…… what’s the word. We’re overloaded with acronyms, which is certainly credible, but doesn’t add as much for the reader as it seems to add for the characters (like why should I care about POSS and UNSOPS, if they’re so very very secondary to the story? Although….. well in a way I guess it does contribute to the setting, since neither of those things exist, it must be the somewhat-distant future? But that doesn’t fully register.

The big thing I want to yammer about is the analysis of the message, because there’s a big glaring seems-like-a-flaw. Of all the people in the room, Catherine Manning seems like the last person who would conclude “First Contact.” She’s hyper-critical. By the time she declares first-contact, there really isn’t enough to justify the claim – or if there is, like if she’s worked out that “There was only one” explanation – how and why? It’s…. I mean, it’s a hole. We’ve got lots of other scientists standing all over – if one of them put that explanation forwards, that would’ve been free conflict! Free conflict is always great.

In closing – oh. I really like the play on words at the end, by the way. In closing, what you did really well was characterization, and possibly setting (but only if that was on purpose, which….. yeah, kinda looks on purpose, and subtle, which…. Yeah that was good). The dialogue is driven forwards in believable ways, with the really weird exception of Catherine pushing everyone into the ALIENS theory. Especially since she’s so deflated when it turns out to be right – that’s just rubbing me wrong. But overall? It’s strong writing.

@WiseDragonGirl

I’m really struggling to begin this critique because I can’t decide how I feel. It’s short and sweet and to the point, and familiar, and there’s nothing wrong with those things at all…. I think, I guess, that I like it? But it isn’t exactly leaping off the page. I’ll say this though – that introductory paragraph was far and away the best part. The conversation, which is the meat of the story, isn’t really doing anything unexpected or surprising, so it’s not (sorry) particularly interesting to me when I’m reading it. Even though there’s nothing wrong (other than a nagging life/live typo), it’s sorta same-old-same-old. But that first paragraph is vivid, dynamic, and feels more original. Even if it’s just setting the scene, it’s written interestingly. There’s life to it. That’s the way you should…………… I…. I mean, again though, there’s nothing wrong with anything here. It’s not like you’re messing up. This is hard for me to help with. I like the entry, as a whole, but it’s mostly just the first paragraph setting a scene well, and the scene is just adequate.

Very, very dangerous writing. I always love that. The writing drew me right along throughout, and the stars-in-her-eyes symbolism was both clever and heartbreaking in all the right ways. Now….. part of the danger in dangerous writing is, when someone doesn’t like the message, they start looking for flaws. I hate the message, frankly! But it’s told super well, enough that I’m almost sure this is personal bias….. When Astie becomes suicidal it’s sort of a sudden-and-complete turnaround. TEENAGERS AMIRITE? It’s not that it’s ‘out of character’ – I mean, suicide is, by its nature, out-of-character. Nobody usually kills themselves. But I don’t feel like I really understand what brought her to it – or, perhaps more importantly, what led the narrator to decide it was totes appropes. “This life was torture for you” – it’s really not written that way though. It’s written like she’s got a solid best friend who would do anything for her until one day…… well. I think some of that is definitely bias. Look. The writing is really solid. The message was strong (I hate it, but it was conveyed very effectively); I think it was robbed of some significance because of how easily (in the retelling anyway) he agreed to let her just die, and how easily he got over it. Some context on either end – either “she stubbed her toe like SUPER hard and that’s why” or “I cried about it for a thousand moons” or whatever. Obviously not actually that. Don’t kill yourself, kids. Killing yourself is stupid. Good story though.

@Psyga315

There’s a lot of really good elements in this story. First of all, lots of conflict – not ‘lots of action,’ per se (there’s that too!) but lots of different kinds of conflict make Virgo’s story really compelling. There’s loss, war, betrayal, crisis, redemption, a second chance, and vengeance – that’s such a good plot arc I can’t even really say enough. That. Is. Fantastic. Seriously – that is a friggin’ arc right there. Super, super good plot.

However.

The execution has lots of room for improvement. I cheated and read @Holmishire’s review again – pacing has been addressed. To put it another way – one of the reasons to write huge, long stories and novels, is so that you can do stories like this, plots like this, and do them justice. That’s how long it takes to do a complex plot well. You don’t have time for that (and if you did, you probably wouldn’t want to limit yourself to fanfic), so enough’s been said there. Let’s talk about action writing – I think (correct me if I’m wrong) you enjoy writing action scenes, and that’s a wonderful thing. There are a million ways to skin a swordfight, and the only one that matters is the one that works for you. Some of the things you’re doing, work – for example, Scorpio stings a dude and it takes Virgo a minute to realize that he was martian, not human. Or when Virgo panicks and opens a black hole for herself – we’ve seen her do that once so we sorta get it, and it’s written like a credible last-chance tactic. Basically when Virgo is doing things, it’s generally written effectively – and what makes it effective is, you’re telling us more than just ‘she did _____ to ____ and then she did ______ to ____.” You’re telling us state-of-mind and context and all that good stuff.

The other characters don’t get the same treatment. When I’m reading Scorpio’s movements, it’s almost the difference between reading a list of stunts Jackie Chan might do in a movie, and watching Jackie Chan act out a fight. Physical actions alone are boring. In the words of Bruce Lee, ”You need emotional content!” When you watch a movie, you’re getting that from the actors whether you realize it or not – but when you’re reading it on a page, it has to come from the writer. Every action is a chance for you to show off your style – be quick, with short sentences and impactful verbs, or be descriptive with lots of adjectives, or technical with detailed explanations of the moves. A million ways to do it. Simply telling what happened is never good enough though. Unless it works for you. Then it’s totally good enough.

It’s…… not an easy thing to do well, and it’s not like I’m some all-knowing expert. The key is to deliberately try lots of different things and find what you like. I saw good action in here, mixed with some bad. And I spent too much time talking about both….. The characters besides Virgo weren’t really explored much, and they probably should be. And pacing, again, probably the culprit. Overall I saw a really REALLY good plot, with some issues that kept it from totally working. Really solid effort.

@Elitestpotato

Heh. Heheheheh. Heheh. Heh. Okay, okay. Suffice it to say, this piece did everything you wanted it to do – which was really just two things, I guess. Lead us to expect one thing super hard, and then punchline. The images and word choices were all great because they all served that purpose perfectly. BUT SINCE I HAVE TO BE MEAN – the writing isn’t ‘out of this world.’ Not that it has to be, to pull off the joke. ‘His body I quickly being submerged’ is terrible awful no-good very bad passive voice. Stop it! Actually most of it is passive voice. NO GOOD, VERY BAD passive voice! And some sentences are all jumbled up, like ‘inform his parents and find a sobbing mother yadda yadda note.’ It honestly doesn’t matter in this story. Really, it doesn’t matter at all. Specifically here. Future stories will matter though. This…. This was special and funny and it scratched a great itch for me. Loved it. Well done.

First time I read this, it didn’t register that there were two speakers conversing. I don’t know how I missed that. Two speakers in a single poem is really abnormal and totally interesting. Both speakers are really well-defined by their word choice and attitude, and conclusions….. Never a wasted word, which is always a good thing. I’m left feeling pretty awesome about life and humans, regardless of how big or small we are, or think we are. There’s a certain dramatic irony in there too – all this about “Look how alone they are,” in a conversation between two other sapient beings. It’s clever. All that said…. This is a really unconventional……. Poem? It feels like a poem, or at the very least, highly poetic prose. The form is, I think, mixed success – on the one hand, hearing two diametrically opposed analyses makes each point of view seem a little more potent, and adds a certain significance to it all. But the whole structure isn’t adding all that much. Like….. if this was written out as prose, we could get the same impact or better; if it were written out as I don’t know, a Shakespearean sonnet, it could be better. It’s pretty formless, which is like throwing a bunch of tools out the window…… unless formlessness is the point, and it’s meant to emphasize how vague these beings “are.” …..considering it that way, it’s kind of totally perfect.

Well. This is a deep thing right here. And shallow, too, and big, and small. It’s a really complex entry – I really like it. There’s so, so much room for interpretation – mostly about good things, like meaning and structure and impact. That’s pretty much exactly where I feel like a poem should be. Outstanding.

There’s something confoundingly scientific in all this – like it might be a rhyming explanation of a theoretical physics application that I just almost get. I suspect, though, that this is scientifically brilliant. I’m gonna give every benefit of the doubt and say, great job on the content.

Now let’s look at the form. The rhyming is great, but they rhythm is not. Science words – not a whole lot you can do, I get it. To me, the rhythm is way way way more important than the rhyme. Spoken aloud, it doesn’t matter when words rhyme if they’re at totally random intervals. That is purely personal preference. I think it sounds better when the meter is right. It’s up to you though.

Overall this is a weird case…. I suspect this is really really clever in a way that I can’t fully understand. If I consider just the poetic form, it’s half perfect, but only the lesser half. Sorta mixed feelings, but clearly it took a lot of clever effort to craft this little nugget. I’m pretty sure I would love it if I knew the theories better.