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2 yrs ago
Current Auld Lang Syne, everybody. roleplayerguild.com/topics/…
3 yrs ago
Vote in my new quest, Mirage, a RP quest set in the far, far future roleplayerguild.com/topics/…
3 yrs ago
Kink-Shaming. Kink-Shaming Never Changes.
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4 yrs ago
roleplayerguild.com/posts/5… Vote for Dead in Depression. The mechanics of the quest have now been posted!
4 yrs ago
Voting is open until the end of the week! Please come and vote! - roleplayerguild.com/topics/…
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Bio





ROLEPLAY BUCKET LIST
- Walmart Apocalypse Roleplay
- Nightmare Gas Station
- Underrail/Fallout/Post Apocalyptic Roleplay. Codename: Clausterclysm
- Anthromorphic Grimdark Animal Fantasy Roleplay. Codename: Fallowbrook.
- Eldritch Abomination Garfield Roleplay. Codename: Lasagna.
- Infinite IKEA Roleplay. Codename: God Morgon
- Roleplayerguild High School RP. Codename: Highschool Roleplay
- Cyberpunk South East Asia RP. Codename: Straits of Malacca. [CURRENTLY HAPPENING]


CURRENT PROJECTS

- FRAYED TAPESTRY - AN EPIC FANTASY RP (WIP)
- THE LAST DEPRESSION - A RED MARKETS QUEST/PLAY BY POST RP (UNDECIDED)

Most Recent Posts



In Forsaken 5 yrs ago Forum: Casual Roleplay
busts open door

Skeleton farm rancher coming through, fellas.
The Detergent was splitting in two along the prow, splinters raining on top of Scat as spill water flowed into the boat, eroding and widening the gaping holes. The mighty vessel was now a pitiful shadow of its former self with its attendants no longer trying to fight but flee its dwindling bulk. For many sailors, it was a tragedy that what they would have once considered their home was now turning into nothing more than a lost legend resting at the bottom of the Spillway. For Scat, it now had become a death trap.

The Pet-Master wordlessly wrapped his arms around Paw’s furry neck. There was no need for further commands as his Pet dragged towards the lifeboat. The pay didn’t matter anymore. No pay was worth his own body. He looked at the card still clenched in his hand, the edge biting against his skin. The strange symbols on it twinkled eerily in the dark. All of this for a plastic trinket. Then, he remembered the damned Cleaner pirate’s enigmatic words.

If any of you realised what your friend’s got there, you’d kill him for it.”

Kill him? The Mister had already sealed his fate the moment he put those Q-Tips into his spine. The thought of being put down when he returned back to Pets and Animals scared him more than dying to insane Cleaner pirates. He stared back at the card in his hand. Completing the PetMaster Pedigree was a fool’s dream now. Paw wouldn’t have to suffer anymore by carrying dead weight.

He whistled a low two-note trill, enough to catch Paw’s attention. The overgrown rabbit looked back towards him and stopped moving, confused as to why his master gave the command.

“ What’re you doing, Pet-Master?” The sailor captain on the life floatie shouted out.

“ Change of plans.” Scats grunted, taking out spare shoestring out of his pocket before taking out the card and lifting it in front of Paw’s eye. “ Keep. Safe.” For anyone else, it might have been foolish to trust a valuable item in the hands of a rabbit, but a rabbit of Pets and Animals was no ordinary rabbit. Paw simply sneezed in response before thumping his right foot. Scat began tying the card to Paw’s neck, taking care not to knot it too tightly.

Suddenly, there was a loud squeak above him and a crack that sounded like a popped balloon. He pushed Paw out of the way just as the rotting beam fell upon his torso, smashing him through the hull and sending him into the cold depths of the SpillWay. His arm flailed wildly underwater, trying to swim upwards but his broken legs pulled him downwards like an anchor. The miasma of toliet water creeped into his skin as the rotting stench tried to claw his way into his lungs.

Forgive me, Paw. I wasn’t the master you needed.

Out in the corner of his eye, orange light sparkles softly. Ah, perhaps, he was dying already.

The light then shifted. No, it wasn’t a hallucination. The glimmering mass whipped wildly underwater, becoming larger and larger in size. It was moving towards him. Screams bubbled out of his mouth as a current of stink-ridden garbage pushed Scat upwards to the surface. He took deep draughts of a precious air, sputtering and coughing out bitter spillwater. His hand latched onto one of the many floating pieces of driftwood falling off the wreck of the Detergent. Meanwhile, the water bubbled like rice krispies in milk underneath him.

Sea Monkeys weren’t the only thing living in the Spillway.






As the Mister ship continued to pillage and reap upon the leaking remnants of the Detergent, something strange was happening in the raging tides that surrounded the battlefield. The Spillway itself was bulging, something emerging out from the murky abyss. A temporary truce formed between the Cleaners and sailors, born out of shock rather than of peace. When the waters cleared and receded, every Cleaner became dumbfounded by the seemingly mystical sight.

It was a goldfish. Likely the most largest goldfish the Wal had ever seen.The biggest gold fishes were known to be bred in the wild pens of Pets and Animals, big enough to swallow a man whole and armoured in a coat of brilliant scales.

This goldfish made the rest look like small fry guppies. Its cavernous mouth looked as if it could eat twenty shoppers in a single gulp. Its mantle of golden scales shimmered like sunshine, albeit pocketed and marred by the ravages of conflict and violence. is simply and inexcusably, without over exaggeration or understatement, big. The rest of its massive body is cloaked by the SpillWay. If one look closed enough, you could see the hints of a fish ohooks stuck in its gums before its mouth snaps close like a gate guarding a fortress.

On top of this majestic fish rode a Sea Monkey larger than most of its brethren. It dressed in a soaked regalia of plastic bottles with a cracked fish bowl for its crown. A cloak stitched from zipper bags shrouded half of its muscular body. Everyone waited with bated breath as it took out a seaweed crusted Speak and Spell and began typing on it.

“ SO. YOU. ARE. THE. ONES. WHO. HAVE. KILLED. MY. CHILDREN?”

“ What of it, you uncleansed pest?” Everyone turned to look at the one Mister who’d spoken out with the frenzied tone of a believer.

The sea monkey king scythe like mandibles clacked, opening and closing slowly. It’s right hand began typing on the Speak and Spell again whilst the other pulled out a trident made of plastic straw.

“ SO. BE. IT. FEEDING. TIME. BEGINS. “

He pointed the trident towards the two boats. The great fish reared back its knobbled head, giving out a throaty screech. It rose out of the water, balancing its mountainous body on its back fin before diving back in. The resulting splash pushed both ships back and knocked the life floaties away like bowing pins.

For a moment, all was silent.

Then, a life floatie disappeared in one thunderous snap followed by half-cut screams and a gulp. A mister pirate standing too close to the Detergent’s rails was next followed by a massive chunk torn from the underside of the Mister vessel.

“ ALL MISTERS-“ A naked cleaner pirate with acid burnt tattoos shouted from the top of the sails. “- FIRE ON THAT FISH!”




Scats watched the devastation unfold, holding onto the floating piece of driftwood for dear life. Once he got ahold of his surroundings, things began to clear. He was only a short swim away from the Detergent’s storage hold. He began to paddle at a slug’s pace back towards the Detergent.The captain of the life floatie spotted him, barking out loud towards Blue. “ Tron, drag the Pet-Master’s beast onto the floatie. Rest of you, help that shopper onboard!”

Once he was close enough, the sailors hauled his wet form onto the lifeboat. The captain grunted. “ You look like you went through a blender, son. Sponge. Prep the oars. It’s time we got out of here.”

“ No.” Scats shook his head. “ Wait for pack.”

“ Are you insane?” The captain looked disbelieving at Scats and pointed towards the giant goldfish currently devouring sailors and Misters alike. “ Look at that, Lifter! The Flushed Leviathan is out there and you want to wait?! Whatever the reward of your contract be, it ain’t worth our li-“

The sharp point of Scat’s frisbee rang shut the captain up.

“ We. Wait.”
So, I’m gonna put a shock in your system.

@Lord Wraith @HenryJonesJr @Hound55

I am officially withdrawing from my post as Static. This was not a rash decision. I’ve hit a point in my life right now where I’m glutted with superhero fiction and I just need a break from this type of RP posting. I’ve hit a massive writer’s block in terms of how I want to continue the character of Virgil and due to extenuating circumstances such as limited time, Absolute is becoming more of an obligation to me rather than a place where I enjoy writing. As of right now, the position to claim Dakota City and all characters mentioned are now in @Moskau Spieluhr hands.

I’d like to thank all GMs for allowing me the opportunity to rediscover and put my spin on the character of Static. As for every other roleplayer in Absolute, I wish them all the best luck in their future endeavours.

I may return to Absolute Comics or one of its other iterations again in the future, but for now,

Goodbye, Static. It’s been fun.
CS completed. Please review and criticise, @Opposition



PSA 1: New Hires




$$$




department: bargain bin

date: there is no date in the Wal

time: closing hours

Everyone in the department could feel that Clearance was overstaying its welcome, especially as Black Fryeday approached with its shivering air-conditioned gales. From the top of a Shelf, he sipped a CapriSun red through a curly straw, the burning sweetness burning a hole through his gums and down his throat. The Bin was a mountain of forgotten relics of past Departments and brands. The Curator of the Books Department had requested multiple times to do an archeological survey into its unscoured depths and he’d rejected them all the same. Aside from the risk of enraging the Stockers and awakening some malfunctioning automaton, the Cashier Of Bargain Bin felt that perhaps some items were meant to be discounted forever.

The tin-can phone rattled, the string running through the front wall vibrating like a violin string. He picked it up and immediately regretted it.

“ Sir, it’s him.” The normally svelte voice of his secretary was distorted into an monotone warble of two people speaking together in tune.

“ Send him in.”

Diplomacy and deal-making were an unfortunate part of his responsibilities as Cashier that he’d learned to deal with since the expiry of the last Cashier. Sending out squads of Lifters couldn’t be done on a whim. You had to sign paperwork. You had to discuss details of payment. You had to talk with angry or idiot clients.

This particular client, though, he wanted to exile from his Department. He wanted to trap him inside one of the Fridges Of Groceries or drop him inside the misty lands of Baby Goods, let his corpse rot until the Janitors processed his body and send him off to the Land Beyond the Lots.

The door clicked open and a man strode in, his face covered by a over-cast hood that made his face seemed like an endless chasm. He walked over towards the Cashier and simply stood instead of sitting on the pastel-coloured plastic play stool on the floor. Clever bastard.

" I’ve been considering your offer for some time now.”

“ And?” The hooded man replied.

“ Convince me why I shouldn’t have Casio here nail your head to the floor.” On cue, the aforementioned bodyguard on his right brings out a hefty looking staple gun. , He points towards his guest accusatorily. “ Do you even know what position you’ve put me in?!”

It’s not a question meant to be answered and his client knows that. He continues forth, his answer slowly transforming into a rant simmering on the edge of rage.

“ An envoy of the Gucci Guard rode him to my office and said that the Glamagesh would like a private meeting with me. As if his Highness would deign to roam around with us out-of-fashions. Rumours spreads that the Rafters are mounting yet another assault on our territory. Amboluceti have been spotted in our northern borders, even though we haven’t seen them for several seasonals.” He takes another draught of the Caprisun and glares at the arrogant smile sitting across his coffee table. “ You should have never brought that cursed thing at all.”

“ Are the claims I’ve heard about the Bargain Bin unfounded? I thought you would take in any item, no matter the condition.”

“ It’s not the condition of the item, it’s the conditions of the contract! This contract is easily worth a thousand Pachinko tickets yet the price you’re giving for this is barely enough for a Wal-Cart.” The Cashier signs. “ I’m entrusting an artifact of the Great Sam to a naive dorf, a disgraced penja, a Pet-Master and his rabid runt, a Tron Girl who talks to obscure idols, some silk-clothed noble from Clothing and a half-mannequin brat.” His temper is rising. He snaps his fingers, vein pulsing on his head, as one of his attendants pours out a fresh lick of vintage Mountain Dew for him to sample. “ You’re playing a foolish game, Greeter.”

“ Foolish?” The Greeter simply smiled a Cheshire grin. “ The fool is the one who plays by the rules of the Wal. I’m merely changing them.”






Count me in, bosswoman.

I’ll drive this RP for you again.
Guys, no questions, this is my official pairings thread. Also, I will bump this thread pathologically until I form a multi-page interest check. You have been warned.

DA BORK RULEZ

1) There is only Bork.
2) You are Bork.
3) This thread is Bork.
4) Soon, the whole world will be borked to Bork.

DA BEST PAIRINGS IN DA WURLD

- ROCK (ME/YOU) X PAPER (ME/YOU) X SCISSORS (ME/YOU)
- THE PLANT (ME) X SUNLIGHT (ME) X CARBON DIOXIDE (YOU) X WATER (YOU)
- INCEST
- TRUCK (ME) X JAYWALKER (YOU)
- COCAINE (ME) X THE STRAW THAT GOES UP YOUR NOSTRILS (YOU)
- SPACE SQUID (ME) X SPACE SPERM WHALE THAT EATS IT BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE FOOD CHAIN WORKS (YOU)
- IMBALANCED POWER RELATIONSHIPS VERSION ONE MILLION

[b][u]FANDUMS[/b][/u]
- Foodfight the Movie
- The Smurfs Movie
- The Bee Movie
- Toy Story
- Freddy Got Fingered
- Every M.Night Shyamalan Movie. Ever.
- Every Uwe Boll Movie.
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