Briza Member
STATUS: It adds a welcoming touch to the bedroom (for you and your roommate) whenever you enter or leave from/to the common area. 4 mos ago
- Last Seen: 4 mos ago
- Joined: 11 yrs ago
- Posts: 2117 (0.54 / day)
- VMs: 20
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- Briza 11 yrs ago
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Recent Statuses
4 mos ago
Current
It adds a welcoming touch to the bedroom (for you and your roommate) whenever you enter or leave from/to the common area.
4 mos ago
What I like to do is start off w/ flattening one of the brown paper bags & make a doormat for the psyche ward bedroom. I color & tape it to the ground by the room exit/entrance.
5 mos ago
Items Needed: Crayons, Blank Paper, Brown Paper Bag, and Tape (Special Note: Ask the Charge Nurse politely for x-number of pre-torn tape pieces)
1
like
5 mos ago
Check Out Briza's New Pinterest Board! Decorating Your Psyche Ward Room 101
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Bio
gin a body catch a body
comin thro' the rye,
gin a body catch a body,
need a body cry?
さようなら
comin thro' the rye,
gin a body catch a body,
need a body cry?
さようなら
Most Recent Posts
𝒮onya ❝ D❞ Dudnik
@Mokley, my preferences are leaning. ( ● ⥿ ● )
@Briza Actually if you wanted to go either the YouTube vlogger or paranormal investigator, I was thinking I wanted to make a younger detective who's got friends in the force that went missing after they went on holiday to Duskwick. You think these two misfits would team up before actually entering the town?
That'd be interesting. 💡<( ● ▾ ● )💬
The YouTube Vlogger is circling around the idea of a despie-geek-for-attention vlogger (who goes by Em Dash, nick'd for Emily or Emilia or w/e). She sees a golden opportunity to make something more of her satirically envelope-pushing YT Channel by vlogging her tour of Duskwick:
The Professional Paranormal Investigator is either going to be (see picture one) a Spunky 3rd Time on the Job by Herself Professional Paranormal Investigator with a knack for heavy mechanical defense suits and artillery (unless her outlandish costume, which will not be worn at all times, is against GM Rules) or (see picture two) Wannabe-Run-of-the-Mill (Vanilla... Millanilla? :< ) a Sleek-Style Doe who is not very talented at hiding her embarrassment when she loses:
post scriptum edit – ideas are not set in stone, o'course. huzzah.
I am indecisive over what to play. The first option does not seem too terribly appealing since currently, the only two (2) PCs are born & raised in Duskwick. But, Idk. Any could be fun. Pretty peasoup w/no salt help Briza pickuh card:
Local YA Looking for a Missing Friend/Family/Lover ( Like React )
Touring YT Vlogger ( Laugh React )
Professional Paranormal Investigator ( Thank You React )
Local YA Looking for a Missing Friend/Family/Lover ( Like React )
Touring YT Vlogger ( Laugh React )
Professional Paranormal Investigator ( Thank You React )
I have pressed the Subscribe button, and my fingers are crossed.
Withdrawing.
@SleepingSilence, I'll take the meaning of the story to PMs if you want.
@SleepingSilence
The fake word was intentional according to Ripley's Believe It or Not. I was having fun with lyrics and song titles when I wrote this piece. Fantasmic is the name of a Nightwish song, and not-so-coincidentally, the title of this piece is in reference to the song Cassie by Flyleaf. A spellchecker would have been helpful, though. Thank you very much for the recommendation. I am quite clutsy. I mean, klutyz.
The use of the word, gaunt is a play with the crowfoot grass, which signifies, although the meadow appears alive, he is actually in a state of dying.
I disagree. I like the added details.
I tried to go back to correct that repetitive stuff. Those coulds! Oh well. Justifying missed marks due to a rush job is probably an ill-willed idea at this point.
I like whiles, but I also like bugs.
But, I never said what season it was! The green leaves are signifying this, and I stand by my point because different parts of the world hold different shades and hues of grass and leaf combinations depending on the time of the year.
It is okay. You do not need to apologize, but your apology is accepted. I am sorry my writing felt like paint drying on the wall. Although, I personally love watching paint dry on the wall, which means I am probably not sorry for the read being like paint drying and should be apologizing for your lack of enjoyment of my entry.
In whatever defense of your last comment: they were in the meadows; they went on the mountain path; and they finished at the top of the mountain. It is understandable to make that mistake, though. Sometimes, when I watch paint dry, I do not realize it is done drying until I am staring at Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov and re-falling in love with the color gray all over, again... :<
With that said, thank you for your critique! I will probably not be returning your favor and make it for some reason like I'm lazy I am super spiteful you did not even go into any of the foreshadowing of how the story would end or what the flower symbolized or how the story loops itself and why. Now, if you'll excuse me, Briza has some crying to do over spilled milk.
“His memory was so fantasmic.”
Aside from that being my new favorite word, it also isn’t the only sign that you didn’t run the post through basic spellcheck. Since the story is the longest, it only makes sense that errors might be easier to slip through the cracks. (Stuff like sentences with spaces that are too long.) But, this is literally at the last paragraph. That and the first tend to be the ones looked over the most. So it doesn’t seem like any effort was made to actually edit it…since spelling is by the far the easiest thing to fix.
The fake word was intentional according to Ripley's Believe It or Not. I was having fun with lyrics and song titles when I wrote this piece. Fantasmic is the name of a Nightwish song, and not-so-coincidentally, the title of this piece is in reference to the song Cassie by Flyleaf. A spellchecker would have been helpful, though. Thank you very much for the recommendation. I am quite clutsy. I mean, klutyz.
A tall, gaunt piece of crowfoot grass stuck out of Matthias’ mouth.
For another example, though this mistake might have been missed with software because “Gaunt” is a word, just not the right one for this sentence.
The use of the word, gaunt is a play with the crowfoot grass, which signifies, although the meadow appears alive, he is actually in a state of dying.
First paragraphs mean everything in stories, and it kind of displays what I feel is the general clunkiness and over abundance of the same, throughout the entire story.
You use white, blue and green, ‘light’ green, ‘ebony’, gray, yellow all in one paragraph to set the scenes. That many colors used solely for quick unimportant descriptions, plus using so many single word adverbs and descriptions necessarily tacked on.
It sort of feels like that kind of filler is throughout the story, like someone saying "I'm sorry" followed by explaining the person saying that felt bad. Or just using words that mean the same thing to describe an object, like "dumb and stupid."
But I’ll try breaking my thoughts down...
“Folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves.“ I’m not even entirely sure what’s being conveyed here. My assumption is ‘lying in the grass, bending it and leaving indents.’ Which is also far quicker to say and should have been said to cut down words.
Both were lying in the meadows with their bodies bending the grass underneath.
(You also don’t need both “they and both” because both is enough to imply the amount of people in said scene.)
I disagree. I like the added details.
Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top.
Along the blue that expanded across the horizon; white, fluffy clouds that wrapped around the mountain top.
(You have so many added words, that don’t actually change what I picture in my head.)
I tried to go back to correct that repetitive stuff. Those coulds! Oh well. Justifying missed marks due to a rush job is probably an ill-willed idea at this point.
Forming the distance were trees with green, and white bark that stretched upwards for long whiles.
Forming the distance were trees with green and white bark, stretching far upwards.
(‘For long whiles’ just personally bugs me. And anyway to cut words to make it mean the same thing, you usually want to do.)
I like whiles, but I also like bugs.
Some of the trunks were thicker and grayer with ebony markings. The leaves were light green, but their veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun, gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.
Some trunks were thicker and ashier with ebony markings. The leaves veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun and gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.
Everyone knows leaves are green, unless you specify otherwise the reader automatic thinks about that, another reason why I brought up over use of color descriptions, because if you use “sky” you don’t need to add “gentle blue”, because that’s the first thing that pops into one’s mind picturing a sky. And just for flavor, since you had to add “ebony” instead of black, is seems less out of place to just use “grey” when you could have added another ‘flavorful’ word.
But, I never said what season it was! The green leaves are signifying this, and I stand by my point because different parts of the world hold different shades and hues of grass and leaf combinations depending on the time of the year.
When it comes to repetition in word choice, you have a lot I felt that could have been cut.
You use ‘could’ 40 times, ‘about’ 37 times, 'more' 36 times, 'wanted' 32 times, 'again' 30 times. Etc.
Just as a word of personal advice. There’s many sentences were you didn’t need those words included. So you should have cut them. Try going through your story and ask, what else could I have put there? I was going through it and was able to replace a lot of those words without effecting the meaning of the sentences.
(wordcounter.net Seriously, tools like this improve writing awareness. Couldn’t recommend it enough.)
I'm sorry, but just overall felt like the story was too slow paced for me to enjoy it. And unless I’m blind, it doesn’t even appear to have followed the only guideline given and expressed in the rules. “Go to several (assuming at least 3.) different locations throughout in your story.” And it seems like they remained in the same location, they just climbed the mountain which seemed to be the single location they traversed.
It is okay. You do not need to apologize, but your apology is accepted. I am sorry my writing felt like paint drying on the wall. Although, I personally love watching paint dry on the wall, which means I am probably not sorry for the read being like paint drying and should be apologizing for your lack of enjoyment of my entry.
In whatever defense of your last comment: they were in the meadows; they went on the mountain path; and they finished at the top of the mountain. It is understandable to make that mistake, though. Sometimes, when I watch paint dry, I do not realize it is done drying until I am staring at Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov and re-falling in love with the color gray all over, again... :<
With that said, thank you for your critique! I will probably not be returning your favor and make it for some reason like I'm lazy I am super spiteful you did not even go into any of the foreshadowing of how the story would end or what the flower symbolized or how the story loops itself and why. Now, if you'll excuse me, Briza has some crying to do over spilled milk.
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