Holmishire — Roleplayer Guild

Quick check to gauge one of our changes -- everyone noticed that we changed the voting this month, and told everyone to pick their favorite lie, as opposed to their favorite entry overall. How'd we feel about that?@mdk

I personally prefer voting for my favourite entry. Deciding what consisted of the best lie is difficult, and ultimately as subjective as it would be otherwise. In a sense, the main advantage of changing the voting system was not how it affected the voting, but rather how it affected the entries themselves, because they made a more significant effort to incorporate the theme.

So I'd be cool with doing something of the sort from time to time, but for the most part I'd say quality voting is the way to go.

Welcome back to yet another round of Holmishire's critiques! Enter at your own risk.

Note that the letter grades are just my personal feelings toward the entry, and not necessarily an accurate gauge of quality. They are also unrelated to the criticism given in the hiders—even if I've written a massive critique breaking down problems in your piece, that does not automatically mean it was a bad entry. It just meant that I needed more words to properly address those issues. I'm trying to help writers improve, not bash them. Believe me, I have written some massively error-laden short stories.

That being said, feel free to question me on anything I say.

>C
A nice and short entry, with an appreciable poetic air to it. I particularly liked the last two verses of the third stanza, with their strong rhythm and rhyming of the ay.

The story told is well-focused, and through the emotional contemplations and deliberations of the unnamed protagonist, the internal conflict is also made relatable. However, none of the characters themselves are particularly relatable, or really even identifiable. No names or descriptions are given, and many one-off mentions are made—the sister, the mother, the father, the co-worker—that add little more to the story than confusion. Is he the co-worker, the would-be lover, or the father? And who's father are we even talking about? In fact, the character that is best described appears to be the director of all people, because we at least know she always got excited about these sort [sic] of things. Most of these characters don't need to be expanded on, but both the protagonist and his would-be lover do to make the story effective. As it is, readers are detached from the emotional impact of the story because there isn't a firm individual to whom our sympathy can be applied.

That being said, there were hints at personality here and there—notably, when the would-be lover volunteers to apply make-up on the protagonist. And yet, seeing as even the narrator is confused as to his motivations for the act, this isn't a lot to go off. Most of the details of their relationship are left unresolved.

On a more technical note, it is time to address the peculiar formatting of this entry. The inclusion of indented paragraphs is evocative of poetry—as if paragraphs are verses and the six larger groupings are stanzas. For the most part, this is used effectively to separate two stylistic approaches to the narration: on one hand, the representation of current events; and on the other, the musings of the protagonist. That being said, there are two large errors that detract from this.

First, there is a lack of consistency. Up until the fourth stanza, the indented paragraphs always refer to the would-be lover as you, whereas the main bodies refer to him as he. This maintains a reasonable distinction between the two narrative voices—the direct and indirect approaches to the conflict, current setting versus memories and thought. Abolishing this half-way through further confuses the reader, leading one to wonder why it was implemented in the first place. In addition, the second half starts to switch the second-person referral between the would-be lover and the protagonist's mother, making it even harder to keep track of who is who in this name-free entry.

Second, the distinction between the two narrative styles itself is rather arbitrary. Useful, yes—it allows the reader to distinguish between reality and mind. However, both narrators are first-person, and both the same guy! Because the two styles are similar on a surface level, it takes longer for the reader to grasp the distinction and thus to make sense of the entry.

The experimental technique used is a good idea, but in practice could be refined to be made more accessible to the reader.

Though sparse, there was some nice religious imagery. Had it been used more frequently, perhaps with some additional symbolism from the Christmas play, it could have become a powerful theme.

>B
A highly concentrated and potent entry, with powerful description, metaphor, and—through a combination of the two—imagery. This is, of course, a shock piece, utilizing one of the social injustices of our time to manipulate us into a heightened sympathetic state. It does this quite effectively.

In particular, the increasingly noticeable hints at her thinness carefully portioned amidst all the abundant servings of fat are truly the forté of this piece.

Though there is little time given to the story, both characters receive just enough to become personable and relatable. The switch in character perspective between the woman and the man was also handled smoothly and naturally, through the temporary distractions caused by the dialogue.

Ultimately, other than inconsequential nitpickings, the only thing that truly holds this entry at bay is its lack of breadth. It makes for a great introduction, setting the stage for well-developed characters and plot, but does not advance far enough to really prove itself. There isn't really any resolution of the plot. Now, this isn't bad—it is very high quality and very effective. Great work.

>B
For the most part, a very well-written entry with an interesting protagonist, a well-plotted mystery, and one hell-of-a tone. The tone is really strong, perhaps even the driving force behind the piece, and it works well.

That said, there are some stylistic aspects of the entry that detracted from my ability to enjoy it fully—though they might be matters of preference. For one, there was a lot of targeted vernacular—(I say as I use the word vernacular)—that while fitting both to the setting and the tone of the piece, tended to be distracting when used in high concentrations. It was most significant in the second paragraph of the third section, where by the end of it, it seemed as if the character was just showing off how much "in the know" they were, which to be honest, was probably the case. Now, that's fine and all, but when other common words are treated extra special in the same context, like the Bug, it gets a bit misleading. Of course I could tell what it was, but being mundane and capitalized, I assumed it was an important piece of information to hold onto for later in the story—which does not seem to be the case.

Again related to the tone, the protagonist seemed to be completely uninterested in the case. He was actively trying to uncover the clues, but due to the style of the narration, everything read rather lazily. This is created largely through the use of two basic sentence types. First, person did action, or sometimes person did action and action. Second, lots of descriptive lists, cycling through items in a similar structure. This is good for creating a slow, dirty tone, which fits well with the perpetually drunk protagonist. On the other hand, it also lags out the reader a bit, which makes it harder for them to become invested in events—particular dangerous ones, which instead of flowing quickly and stimulatingly, run down chunkily.

Finally, and this criticism holding more ground due to being less influenced by stylistic choices, the climax fell a little flat. By the time the reader makes it to the scene of the old man bleeding out, they've likely already solved a good number of plot points in their head—hints were interspersed throughout the entry. Having the girl almost casually explain every detail to the protagonist, and by extension, the reader, is not particularly engaging. Had the conversation been more emotional, with some back-and-forth, shouting, whatever, it could have been very compelling. But with plain old exposition-dropping, it just doesn't seal the deal.

That said, the true ending was still good. He was a useless drunk in the beginning and a useless drunk in the end—his character development being that he was able to accept this, accept that there are no second chances for people like him.

>C+
In terms of the written text itself, there aren't any particular faults, nor any particular wonders. This entry, however, suffers largely from structural problems.

The most evident of this is the section breaks. Having lots of section breaks is not necessarily bad, but the way they are used here is just needlessly breaking up the text. Just looking at the first break, the narration end with That is one day, during school. Following it a section about what happened at that moment at school, and notably still in the past tense. The setting was clearly and smoothly introduced at the end of the previous section, and the break only acts as a destructive force, killing flow. In fact, if the first three breaks were cut out, nothing would be lost and much would be gained in the flow that is already built into the text!

Next, the plot itself is rather jarring. Almost no time was given between when the reader was made aware of a potential mystery and that mystery's resolution. The boy is asked if he wishes to know the details of Riley's death, and only a few paragraphs later—with no foreshadowing or anything—it turns out the parents are assassins, full stop, entry ends. That sort of cliffhanger ending can be quite effective, but the reader needs to be lead to believe in the opposite of the reality. Little was given to the reader to believe, so the assassin explanation is less a shock than a random twist. Something similar happens as he is about to board the bus—the readers were lead to believe some undetermined twist was going to be produced with Riley. Finding out the parents were the twist is too unexpected.

Finally, it would have been nice to get more personalization out of the characters. Riley's dialogue was uneventful, and other than that, she was only introduced in a tell-not-show manner.

>B+
Short and sweet, which makes it a little difficult to say much about.

All two of the characters feel distinct and interesting, with Tina having her spunky dialogue and the mirror boy acting through his stylistically effective motions. Things like not going into detail on what exactly his teasing really consisted of really amplified the immaterial bond aspect between the two of them—there didn't need to be anything more tangible than an impression from the boy, and it was done very well.

The narration appears to be third-person limited, focusing on the girl, though it might just be omniscient. If the former, the way is gently nudges both in direction of Tina knowing and not knowing about the effect of the black tape adds a layer of depth to her lie, pushing it through to the reader implicitly by way of narration.

I really don't know what criticism I can give—the story seems to benefit from lacking in any real conclusion, and embraces its brevity with wit and style.

>B-
A little nitpick right from the get-go that threw me off. The first sentence is in present tense, yet all of the exposition and action that come afterwards is in the past. Insignificant, I know.

The first three paragraphs of exposition are bulky and something of a chore to push through. The information contained therein is necessary, but presenting it in one big dump is not the most exciting way to go about it. It makes it evident that this short story isn't really designed to be a short story, but instead a conclusion to a much larger story. There are ways of hinting at a greater plot past or future without making the short story itself any less powerful on its own. This would be a great part, but it shouldn't have to be.

That said, the bulk of the entry itself was good, with an interesting if at times somewhat underdeveloped cast.

The final twist, however, was disappointing for a few reasons. First, we weren't given much of a chance to connect with Embervi, so his betrayal didn't really hit any emotional chords. It was said that he was Artion's best friend, but it wasn't really shown—again, due to this being only part of the story. Second, Jiorn felt like a total loose end, with almost no development, his morality confusingly thrown about, and his twist being untwisted for no apparent reason in quick succession. Even Tytanios's apparent emotional turbulence upon sending away his lieutenant is brushed off as nothing—so what was the bitterness included for? And third, it was revealed through a casual conversation between two characters whose relationship with each other is hardly touched upon. Hardly dramatic. The twist itself was okay, but the presentation was lacking.

>B
An enjoyable entry, with good description and atmospheric adherence. The setting is interesting and the characters intriguing, and there is little I can give in criticism.

What it lacks is a meaningful plot, and meaningful characters. The readers are given next to no knowledge of the necromancer's origins or motivations, nor are any of the other characters given any significant spotlight. The shallow insights that are given are indeed intriguing enough by their own right, but without substance, this entry is little more than a well-written scene.

>B-
Well, I do like a consistent structure. It's a good poem, and it does appear to bear an easy to interpret meaning, which is good for amateurs like me. However, there doesn't seem to be a lot of depth to the entry, either in meaning or in poetic form.

So I guess my main criticism is a lack of ambition. It's simple, and fine, but nothing particularly stunning.

>B+
Again, consistent structure; love it! Hints of poetic tools here and there, like repetition of sound in trying, tempting, taunting and in trial, triumph were not missed, and helped the poem flow beyond rhymes and rhythm.

My personal interpretation of this game of lies is that life itself is the lie—because death comes for all, and renders all that came before it meaningless.

Whether that is the case or not, a touching poem that is sound both in form and content.

>B+
This entry was of course very long, and the way it was written made it drag on quite slowly. After the first section, it took a very long time to build up, but it was certainly worth it! The political intrigue was well-formed the whole way through, and though it took a while, most of the pivotal characters became well-developed and relatable by the end.

The ending, however, felt lacklustre. A betrayal of that sort is not uncalled for, but some foreshadowing or subtle hints at such motivations earlier in the story would have given it far more impact in my opinion. This is a case of a betrayal that came out of nowhere in the entry, despite being sensible in the context of the story.

I admit, there were times that I found myself bored to death reading this entry—but on the one hand, I was very tired, and on the other, I feel like despite that it managed to build a compelling story when the reader gets a chance to step back. Slow build-up, but amazing product.

My @vote goes to the fifth entry, the Mirror Boy, for its lie both contained depth and was pivotal to the essence of the entry.

Holmishire Member

Ghost with no home.

Status

Bio

Most Recent Posts