In Collaboration with Bea
San Anin excused herself from Kyla and Satele, who had the more important task of interrogating the dark sider and the other padawan. San Anin had no interest in being a part of those deliberations, merely wishing for the day to end and for her mind to finally be at ease for even a few moments. As such, she made her way through the temple before finally arriving back at the library, where this mess had begun for her, where she first felt the disturbance in the force. For a moment, she stood in the doorway, blankly staring into the room before stepping away and continuing through the halls of the temple, more like a droid on a set path rather looking for anything meaningful to do.
The padawan then looked out one of the many windows along her travel, taking a moment to look at the wilderness of the planet for some time. San Anin ran a hand along the ledge before climbing onto it, sitting with legs crossed as her hands resting in each other. Despite the turmoil the planet had faced, the emotions that she had discovered within other people and herself, the wilderness held a calm. She watched and watched, merely taking in the sight before releasing a singular long sigh and tilted her head towards the sky. Her eyes closed and her breathing came to a slow as she focused on the force.
The memories of her old master, and the new memory of the death of the Jedi Knight were still fresh, but San Anin knew that they were as they were. Those deaths were in the past, and while she could have prevented them, she knew that she had to let go at some time. It would be in her best interest to, but knowing that she could have helped more kept those memories rotted in her mind along with the associated emotions. The Kel Dor did not feel that she was quite ready to, instead opting to push the memories back by allowing her mind to focus all of its efforts on the force and the calming presence of the outside. Perhaps for one of the only times in the few hours of the day, she had come to establish order in her mind, and keep her emotions in check, just as her master would have wanted.
“We all have our bad days, San.”
Brye’s voice came from further down the hall, the older Padawan having decided to wander as well as she reflected on the day’s events. It was true, at least Brye thought it was, that many great Jedi, even her master Satele, all faced challenges along the way. Whether they be emotions, morals and values, or difficult decisions, each Jedi was waging their own war within.
“I’m glad to see you up and about.” Brye continued, walking to stand next to San as she sat on the ledge. Brye placed a hand on the younger Padawan’s shoulder for a brief moment, giving her a short but confident smile before Brye too gazed out at the wilderness.
San Anin was silent for a moment before turning her head to Brye, her goggled eyes peering into those of the other padawan for a moment. She let out another sigh as she turned her head back towards the wilderness, slouching forward as she relaxed around her friend. It was a moment before she decided to speak, her voice calm with sadness continuing to hold its grasp, “This wasn’t just a bad day, it was horrible.”
Her gaze shifted downwards, “I had to watch another person die when I could have stopped it.”
Brye watched San for a few moments, her gaze filled with worry and concern for her younger friend. She leaned forward and rested her elbows on the ledge as she gazed back out at the wilderness.
“I’m not sure if I ever told you, or if you heard from somewhere else… but I my old Master was killed as well, and I too feel I could’ve stopped it.” Brye said, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly as old memories came back.
“Two rogue Sith attacked our ship and followed us down to the planet after we crashed. Master Lonn had been hit hard, he wouldn’t wake up,” Brye paused again as she took another deep breath. It was a topic she did not think about often, and rarely talked about.
“One of the Sith held me back while the other killed Master Lonn where he lay. He didn’t have a chance, and I- I wasn’t strong enough to overtake the Sith. Afterwards that’s when they threw me around a bit, and then Master Shan was just, there.”
Brye went silent, watching the outside world as she thought back on her feelings, and that horrid day.
“Things happen, San. Things you can’t control. Not because you aren’t strong enough, but because it is the will of the Force. That’s what I think. All you can do is reflect on them, learn from them, and keep going.”
The older padawan looked back to her friend again, a weak smile on her face. “One day you might be in the same position as Master Vondin. You too might have a Padawan that’ll need guidance, and then you’ll look back on today and remember how hard it was for you, and you’ll be able to help them.”
San Anin nodded her head, taking in the words of her friend.
“That was why I went to strike down the dark sider, just so nobody else would be hurt and I would be able to help more than I had. Master Kyla said that I shouldn’t let the past control me, but when you watch two people die in front of you, when you could have done something to stop it, it's hard. Letting go… it seems like that is something I can’t do. Between, Master Vondin, Knight Elav, my family...” San Anin brought her knees up, wrapping her arms around her legs and staring off into the outside.
“I can’t let go,” she said.
"You don't have to let go." Brye responded, still gazing out at the wilderness. "But you also can't keep those emotions cooped up inside. You have to release them, the proper way. Meditate on them, remember the Lighter times, let the Light Side of the Force be with you and remember the good memories. You don't have to let go of their memory San, but you must let go of the pain that you endured because of them."
There were a few long moments of silence as Brye thought of what was best to say. "I suffered from some horrible grief after my Master was killed. But Master Shan pulled me out of those emotions and helped me recover. You must look to those still here San, look to those you care about for help and guidance through this."
San Anin looked to Brye for a moment, wanting to take the words to heart but remembering all the pain that those memories had brought. “But it hurts to remember. I have been trying to keep all of those thoughts hidden away, but they only come back when I experience something similar. I can’t face them, I don’t want to face them.”
She let out a sigh, tightening her grip around herself, “Why can’t things be like when we were younglings? It was simpler and there wasn’t the risk of death.”
"There's always that risk San." Brye said, gently putting an arm around her friend’s shoulders. "Everyone must take their turn. But as each of us face our own challenges, we have others there to help us. We protect each other." Brye took her arm from San's shoulders and sighed. Brye had faced many of these fears a couple years ago, as Satele helped her through her own grief, through her fears that were developed from her Master's death. "I once had problems with my own emotions, sometimes I still do. But you don't have to face them alone, San. It is vital that you face them… but at your own pace, and
never alone." She paused for a second and looked at San, "I'm always here for you should you need help to get through them. Just like Master Shan and Master Vondin. You have plenty of those who care about you to help you through this."
A moment of silence fell upon the two as San Anin looked away from the other padawan and out to the serene wilds. “Thank you, Brye,” she said softly without shifting her gaze, slowly uncurling herself and going back into a meditative position. She allowed for another moment to pass before turning her head towards her friend.
“Would you like to meditate with me?” She asked.
Brye hoped San took her words to heart. The older Padawan didn't want to seem like she was preaching or saying that every Jedi dealt with the same issues San did, but Brye truly believed in ever word she had said. She had learned from her own experience.
At the offer to join her, Brye smiled softly and nodded.
"I would love to, San."
The older Padawan climbed up next to her friend and crossed her legs, getting comfortably into a meditative position. She smiled again at San before closing her eyes and letting her mind wander.
Snowdrops,
MarshalSolgriev,
Cao the Exiled,
Grijs,
Enzayne,
Lord Zee,
Frettzo,
DracoLunaris,
Vec