Lemons

Amygdala Circuit

"I might mess up, I might not be perfect, but a long time ago I wanted to be just like you, and somewhere along the way I gave up. Now I know I can still try."

Quinn blinked, and for a moment she didn't understand. Dahlia...wanted to...be like her?

Her ears were ringing as she stared. Just like before, with Besca, there was a profound sense of disorientation and confusion. Besca may have been her hero, the person who lifted her out of her gray life and splattered it full of brilliant color. Dahlia couldn't quite fill that same role (though she definitely touched it a bit).

No. Dahlia wasn't her hero. But Dahlia was the person she wanted to be like more than anything. She was strong, she was brave, she was kind and gentle and she always looked out for the people she cared about. Quinn wanted to be all of those things. She wanted to live up to Dahlia's example so much. And she didn't know if she ever would, but she'd always try.

And now here she was, dazedly hearing her forever role model talking about how much she wanted to be just like Quinn, and not only that, how much she'd wanted to be just like Quinn for a long time.

A heat began to build within Quinn, a tiny sun in the middle of her chest that spread out through her body, sending tinglies racing up and down her spine. It was incredible. Another feeling that she knew. That she'd felt fragments of over the years, scattered shards of sunlight, but nothing like this. it took her a long time to think of a word for it. How she'd felt deep down when she'd snuck out of her room for the first time, past the fear and the knowledge she was doing something wrong. The rush she felt when she'd solve a puzzle. The brilliant light that had shone within her when she'd cast that fishing rod.

Oh, that's what it was.

It was pride.

She leaned over and wrapped Dahlia in another gentle hug, hoping that some of that wonderful sunshine would pass between them. It was only when she spoke that she realized how warm her voice had suddenly become. It was strange. So much that had happened today was strange. But she had never felt more like Dahlia's sister than she did right then.

"Thank you, Deelie. You're so much better than I deserve."

Amygdala Circuit

The look on Dahlia's face made Quinn want to run into her room, hide her face in her pillow out of shame, and never look at her again. This was something that she had very much not expected.

Though perhaps she should have, she thought bitterly. She'd yelled at Dahlia before today. Very, very rarely (once or twice), but it had happened. But this was the first time she'd ever been so...so mean about it. She had just gotten so angry, so fast, she hadn't been able to stop it. She had hurt her sister. And she'd meant to hurt her, even though it was absolutely her own fault in the end. The way she'd called, the way she'd hung up so suddenly, how she knew Dahlia thought of Roaki at the time; what else were she and Besca supposed to think?

She swiped her arm across her face to wipe the remnants of tears from her reddened eye, then looked up at Dahlia. Gently, carefully, Quinn reached down and grasped her hands in her own, lightly rubbing her thumbs in a circle on her sister's palms in what she hoped desperately was comforting instead of unsettling.

"No, Deelie, no," she murmured in reply, breaking off eye contact. She just couldn't bear it anymore.

She released the hands, then sat down on the back of the couch, staring into the kitchen at the half of the cake that Dahlia had made for her, still sitting on the table. "You must've been so worried when I called you like that." She shook her head slowly in both denial and regret, voice turning melancholic. "It was my fault. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn played the story in her mind as it was told. A little Besca hunched in front of a TV in the middle of the night, eye—no, eyes, she would've had both then—glued on the screen in fascination, then horror as the fresh-faced rookie Dom Cade slaughtered Herr Raum. She imagined her lying in her bed unable to sleep for days as images of violence flashed through her head. She'd had trouble sleeping after watching her first duel a few weeks back too, and Besca had been a lot younger than she was.

After that her imagination ran dry, though. She couldn't picture Besca crying. She just couldn't. Quinn knew she must've cried at some point, even before she'd just been told point blank that it had happened. She'd been told all about Westwel, and she couldn't fathom a world where Besca wouldn't have cried at least a little then. But even so, she was having trouble fitting it into reality. Besca was just so strong. Too strong to cry.

And then the story ended with Cade dying, just like Raum had. Everyone died in the end.

It was a terrible story, and Besca's sad smile made it even worse.

But then Quinn heard those magic words: "You’re my hero," as Besca held her tight.

Besca's hero?

It was a foreign concept to her. Quinn looked up to Besca so, so much. Up and up and up, until she was like a brilliant star twinkling in the night sky and guiding Quinn home. She was Quinn's hero, more than she could ever describe. So how could Besca look up to her? It made her feel...it made her feel important. And not important to the world, not the way a pilot was important, because as a pilot it wasn't really her that people cared about, it was the Savior. But this wasn't like that, not at all. This made Quinnlash feel important. And she found that she liked that a lot more.

Besca might have been too strong to cry like Quinn imagined. She might not.

But Quinn, as she proceeded to demonstrate when she wrapped her arms around Besca in return, was...decidedly not that strong.

Amygdala Circuit

As Besca and Doctor Follen talked, Quinn relaxed some, releasing her grip on Roaki's wheelchair. Unspeakable relief flooded through her like a balm to the twin burns of anger and suspicion. Doctor Follen had tried his best to help Roaki, he just couldn't because of the Board. And—he was going to take measurements for prosthetics. And to hear him talk, maybe he would even—

But Quinn cut herself off there. That would be too much, right? It was better not to get ahead of herself. But still, Doctor Follen was doing so much, had already done so much even after they had tried to shut him down. She'd been silly to doubt him. He wasn't like that, and she was more confident than ever that he'd take good care of Roaki.

So when he stood to say goodnight, she stepped in instead of out with Besca, slipped carefully between the wheelchair and the wall, and hugged him tight, tears already starting to fill her eye again. "Thank you," she squeaked out. "You're the best."

She clung to him a moment more, eye closed, water seeping slowly into his shirt. When she released him it was sudden, and she once again rejoined Besca, gave him a wave with her eye dried. "Goodnight, Doctor Follen!" Then, "You too, Roaki!"

But as the two of them walked back, she looked towards the ground. Not sharply, just a little bit, a pitch of her head slightly downwards as she mulled over something in her head.

She'd made the decision to keep Roaki safe from that horrible place, and she'd thought that whatever the Board did to her would be worth it just so Roaki didn't have to suffer like that anymore. But what if the Board came after Besca and Doctor Follen instead? She hadn't thought about that. Thinking back to Roaki's face in that holding cell, she shuddered to imagine just leaving her there. She couldn't have. It would just be...it would be cruel, crueler than she could ever stomach. But would they get punished for what she did?

She wouldn't have not helped Roaki. Couldn't have, or she would never have forgiven herself. But she was afraid now, afraid that something terrible would happen to two of the people she cared the most about in the whole world and it would be because of her.

So right as they reached the exit to medical where it joined with the commons, she slowed, then ground to a stop, clinging onto Besca's shirt as she did so. Quinn looked up at her, searching almost desperately for approval and security in her face.

"Did...did I do the right thing, Besca?"

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn's face was grim by the time they arrived in the medical ward. The looks they'd gotten on their way, she already knew, would stick in her mind for days to come. Looks of confusion, anger, vindictiveness...betrayal.

Roaki hadn't really reacted much, but Quinn knew she'd be uncomfortable with it too. And discomfort was the last thing she needed. So she did her part by glaring (gently this time, more a warning than a rebuke) at people who came too close, or were too loud with their comments. She suddenly wished she'd asked Dahlia to come with them too. She'd never had a problem with crowds of people before today, not really, but so many unfriendly eyes made her skin crawl something fierce.

She hadn't expected to be back in medical again today, she had to admit. And not for a good while yet, unless things got very bad very suddenly and for no good reason. But here she was. The orderlies and nurses were a breath of fresh air, after a fashion; though they were hostile for the most part, they also—medical professionals that they were—bore looks of horror and concern that hid behind that annoyance or disdain.

The two of them didn't talk. The air was thick with...she wasn't sure, but there was some kind of unpleasant tension that was hovering there, as the wheelchair's axles squeaked faintly in the quiet.

Before too long, they came to Doctor Follen's office. As usual, it was comforting to be here. But she was a bit more guarded than usual. It was still niggling at her, that sense that he could have done more for Roaki, and the fact that Roaki refused to look at him—a fact that didn't escape Quinn—didn't make it any better.

"Ah. Is everything alright?"

"No," she replied plainly, not bothering hiding the concern in her voice. "Did you see where they put Roaki? It was horrible." A note of accusation entered her voice and her eye narrowed ever so slightly. "You kept me here for two days for exhaustion. She got a whole leg cut off and growths removed from all over, but she was just thrown down there."

She took a deep breath, steadying her voice again and taking that little bit of aggression out of it. "I know she's technically an enemy, but she's hurt badly, isn't she? She deserves better, and I trust you more than anyone to take care of her."

A beat passed. She looked down at Roaki from where she stood above and behind her. Another beat. A deep breath. She knew this was asking a lot, but...

"...And could you measure her for prosthetics too? You don't need to give them," she added hastily, "but just measurements don't hurt, right?"

Amygdala Circuit

Every word Roaki said made Quinn's heart bleed for her, more and more. Soon it was going to fill up and she wouldn't be able to take it anymore. It was horrible. So, so horrible. Win and lose...did it really matter so much?

She guessed it did.

But she was spared the steadily escalating pain as Besca and Dahlia came back. As Besca unlocked the cell and helped Roaki into the wheelchair, Quinn stepped over and gave Dahlia a quick hug and an I'm sorry for yelling at you. Then she turned back and walked in, gently nudging Besca aside and grabbing the wheelchair handles.

She'd realized something midway through her hug; she'd spent the better part of the day being assiduously congratulated on winning the duel, and on "putting that Helburkan mutt in her place," a phrase that made her angry every time she heard it. The people on the Aerie would probably not look fondly on Roaki being there.

And so, "I'll take her. If I'm with her then people might not get as angry with her."

Then she looked up at Besca, and her face betrayed for a moment how nervous she felt. As much of a brave face as she tried to put on—and she was trying very hard—the thought of walking through the people up there with all the hostile glares and yells she knew they would get made her feel a little sick, and she quailed at the though. She hesitated. She didn't want to hurt Besca. She didn't want to hurt her sister either. But she wanted to be alone up there even less. So still looking at Besca, she asked quietly, "Can you come with me? I don't want the two of us to be alone."

Taking the wheelchair and turning again, she jerked slightly. The plate of cake—little picture of a smiling Roaki still shining bright on top—sat in the hall corner by the cell, forgotten. She looked at it and a feeling of sorrow welled up in her. Looking over Roaki's head, she met Dahlia's eyes hopefully. "Dahlia, could you—would you mind taking the cake and putting it back in the fridge?"

I'll give it to her tomorrow, she thought. Then, straining a bit against the unfamiliar weight, she headed back toward the entrance. Doctor Follen would take Roaki if Quinn asked him, right? It bothered and confused her that he'd been so quick to put her down in the cells when she clearly wasn't okay. He'd always been so nice, why would he do that? It didn't quite add up to her.

Then, shaking the thought away, she continued on.

Amygdala Circuit

The hand slipped out from Quinn's grasp, and she squeezed her eye shut, pushing out the last few errant tears. When she opened it again she found that Roaki still wasn't looking at her. Her voice was shuddering, stammering, barely able to string words together, and Quinn felt a sudden sharp pain tug at her heart. She was crying, she couldn't talk right. Something horrible had been done to her, and now she was somewhere she didn't seem to understand. A long, slow sigh.

They really were alike, weren't they?

"Wh…why? Why didn’t you j-just…kill me?"

Another jolt of pain through her chest. Roaki...

Quinn was beginning to realize that it wasn't some kind of act she'd put on, it wasn't a grave misunderstanding that the two had, nothing like that. As horrible as it was, it was sinking in that Roaki genuinely didn't understand why Quinn hadn't pulled that final trigger and ended her life. Why she was still alive. Though she didn't struggle to remember the searing pains that had ripped through her during the duel, there was no satisfaction in this. It hurt her, seeing the girl so beaten down, brought so low.

After a few seconds passed, she retracted her arms through the bars again, wrapping them around herself. She stared at Roaki, tiny teardrops still beaded on her eyelashes. "Because..." It hadn't even occurred to her that there would be a question about this from anybody, let alone Roaki. She raced to find a way to explain it, rifling through the disorganized catalogue of thoughts that was crammed together inside her head. A second passed. Two seconds. Three. Finally, she took a long, deep breath.

"...Why would I?"

The bars flickered with memory, turning for just the barest moment into the surface of a black-blue lake, with two imperfect moons reflecting and reflected in each others' lights. She held up her hand to the lake and the memory dissolved, leaving her pressing her hand against the freezing cold metal bars again. "You and me, we're hurt, Roaki. Someone did horrible things to us, and now we're damaged."

She dropped her hand, looking solemnly at the wreck of a child on the other side of the divide. "Killing you would've been wrong. And I only hurt you because I had no other choice." She looked down at her knees, resting on the freezing floor, and her voice lowered to just barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry."

Amygdala Circuit

As she watched Besca and Dahlia walk and run off respectively, Quinn's heart grew leaden in her chest. She suddenly felt terrible, and the way her voice had sounded rewound against her brain. She sounded so...so like—

No. She couldn't think about that right now. She just couldn't. And at the thought, the storm in her head started to drain away. Her stiff grip on the door handle loosened, then released entirely. She closed her eye for a moment. She felt bad for talking that way to Dahlia, and she felt bad for pushing Besca. Both of those were true. But they also weren't really important in the moment. What was important was Roaki. And as she turned back to the cell, she could see that the girl was doing...

Not well would have been a good way to describe her, if perhaps a bit of an understatement. She was so fragile that it made Quinn's chest ache.

"I’m n-not…going. T-this is…where I…belong…"

Wrapping her hands carefully around the bars again, she opened her mouth to interrupt. No, no, you don't belong here. Nobody belongs here, least of all you, she wanted to say, and please, I just want to help you along with it. But before she could get a word in edgewise, Roaki viciously punched the metal bars, setting them a-rattling against Quinn's hands. She looked down, eye wide in alarm, as Roaki continued:

"S-should have k-killed me. Dead…a-anyway. Just l-leave me alone. Let me…die." And then one final sentence to freeze the blood in Quinn's veins:

"D-don’t take…anything else…"

She froze and stiffened, eye widening more in horrified disbelief as another phrase, similar yet so different, played through her head. It was torn from more than a month ago now, but still just as vivid and horrible as the day she'd first screamed it, crying hysterically, in Doctor Follen's office:

Don't send me back!

Tears came to her almost reflexively and she collapsed to a sitting position. Reaching out nearly without thinking, she threaded her arms through the narrow bars (it was a tight fit, but she managed to slip them far enough) and wrapped Roaki's hand in both of her own before she could pull it back. Her eye now was nothing but tender. A lump had formed in her throat immediately alongside her tears, and she needed to fight through it to speak. But fight through it she did.

"Roaki—god—Roaki," she murmured softly, squeezing the small, pale, and freezing hand tight, "I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, who did this to you...?"

Amygdala Circuit

The flash of relief and hope that Quinn felt when the door crashed open and her family rushed towards her was quickly snuffed out as Dahlia rushed up and shoved her back, sending Roaki toppling to the ground. She didn't feel the usual warm happy glow when Besca hugged her; just a cold pulse of anger. And a moment later she extricated herself, shoving Besca back and backpedaling, putting herself between the two women and Roaki.

Glancing at the cell, she at least saw that Roaki hadn't been hurt from the fall (she thought). But still, she sucked in an angry breath through her teeth, then delivered a savage and violent glare at the two in front of her. Principally at Dahlia.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

She half-turned, then flung her hand out to the cell. Her voice burned in a way that almost scared her as she spat, "Why would you do that? Look at her! Look what the Board did to her! Do either of you think this is okay? It's fucking disgusting!"

She gripped a tight hand on the door handle, rattling it as though to prove a point. Her eye was glacial, a shard of golden ice, and her voice was flooding with both barely-contained anger and with heavy disappointment. Disappointment that her sister had seen Roaki gripping Quinn by the wrist with her only intact limb and not skipped a beat as she rammed her back. Disappointment that Besca had seen it and not done anything. Disappointment on a level that she didn't know she'd ever felt before. She pointed down the hall at the door.

"Besca, get the keys. Dahlia, get a stretcher or wheelchair from medical." Her outstretched hand came back in front of her and curled into a tight, angry claw. "We're taking her to medical. Now. And they're going to treat her better this time, or I'm not getting back into Ablaze until they DO!"

Amygdala Circuit

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