Shinny

Battle Toyale — Christmas Rumble!

Welcome to The Battle Toyale, Christmas Rumble Edition!

What?

The Battle Toyale is a portmanteau of the phrase "battle royale" and the word "toy", and the best way to summarise it is: an all vs all tournament of characters that were turned into toys. A being known only as 'The Toymaster' arranges for this yearley tournament to decide which type of toy breaks the sales figures for the next year.

Okay, what are the rules?

• Show Basic Decency
  This should be self explanatory. We're all here to literally smack toys together and have a good time, don't forget that there's people on the other end of the screen. I have a zero-tolerence policy when it comes to this, be reasonable or you will be thrown out.
• Your Character Scales to Toyversal
  Your character's strengths and their abilities should be things that would be features on a toy, even if said features might violate health and safety on multiple levels. Your character will not be able to demolish the toy store unless they do something profundly stupid, like shoot a fire extinguisher. Think Small Soldiers!
• Your Character Does Not Come Here Of Their Own Free Will
  This is a fight for survival, and while you the player might be willingly joining, your character will not. 'I am so powerful I could escape this easily but decided to play along' is fucking CRINGE.
• This is PVPVE
  Trying to cooperate to escape the store will get you killed. Peace is not an option.

I'm interested, how do I sign up?

Post a character in the character tab! If you want to include an image, it does not need to be of them as a toy, but that'd be cool if you can. Include a summary of their character and what they can do as their toy, the more exact you are then the better things turn out should there be an OOC disagreement.

I'm not sure, when do sign ups end?

Sign-ups offically end on December 1st, but I will give leeway depending on the circumstances.

INFORMATION

The Store

The toy store is approximately 4645 square meters in size, or 50,000 square feet. The store is stocked to the brim with toys, and begins in a pristine state at the beginning of the fight. There are no humans or other animals in the store in the time of the fight, but there are rumours of monstrosities hidden in the nooks and crannies of the store. Don't let that discourage you!

The Artifacts

In a change of pace, The Toymaster has opted to introduce artifacts into the mix of this round. These legendary items will grant powerful bonuses to those who wield them, but the user must fight to secure their grip on the artifact — lest it be ripped from their fingers by another. It is not clear what these artifacts are, but their appearance and nature will become apparent when you get close to the marked spots on the map.

Toy Stats

The make of a toy can influence its stats. I have made a few examples below, and this is more of a ballpark estimation than anything, but if you have any specific materials you want me to vet, then please by all means ask!

• Cloth: The lightest of materials, it grants a major speed boost and a medium resistance to fire (thanks asbestos!) But overall its defences are the lowest of the listed materials. The speed boost is lowered in water. Cloth toys can also 'heal' via re-acquiring their stuffing and putting it back into their body.
• Plastic: The second lightest of materials, it grants a minor speed boost. It also has the second worst overall defences, including a vulnerability to fire. Plastic toys are the fastest in water, and can 'heal' by attaching limbs of other plastic toys to themselves, although this is not a foolproof process.
• Ceramic: The second heaviest of materials, this also puts it in the second slowest catergory and slowest in water. Ceramic has the second best defence in all regards, but in exchange their ability to repair damage is limited to the usage of glue.
• Metal: The heaviest of the material, metal has the best and offense compared to all the other materials, but this comes with two major caveats. Metal toys are unable to repair any damage without the use of an artifact, and they cannot swim outright.

Meta

The round order is 'Semi-Flexible': People can post in any order they wish, but they can only post once per 'round'. At the end of the round I will act as GM to introduce environmental changes and new hazards. I will update the map each turn, not only to reflect player positins, but reveal things such as artifacts and new hazards.

Purr-fect Betrayal

This was not the first time that Captain Metallo and his crew had struck a metaphorical wasp’s nest. The cavalcade of fuckups moved into formation with a practised precision despite their ramshackle nature, And-R-0 and Mechanical Turk seeking the nearest terminal to start their ordered endeavour. The only reason it was interrupted was thanks to the irate creature whom they had kicked without realising. Energy-enhanced cutlery added to the arsenal of projectiles flying all over the place, And-R-0 managing to evade them only by the finish of his grill.

“Whoah – hey! I’m not Metallo, that’s him.” And-R-0 pointed towards the one with the fancy hat, before scarpering off to the best of his ability. MT and And-R-0 leaped over, rolled under, and crashed through the debris surrounding them to finally find the aforementioned terminal. Mechanical Turk brought open one arm, from which several needles exploded from his fingertips before sinking into the fancy looking terminal. As sophisticated as the technology looked, the security would stand no chance to the mechanically minded. MT and And-R-0 were covered by an entourage of drones, some of whom rotated their floating bodies to take potshots at the attacking amazons. A couple fell in the crossfire, but they performed their duty in protecting their master.

As for Metallo? Well, now he had grabbed the aggro of both Anfield and the masses of Amazons. The pirate lowered his energy cutlass, taking a few shots above him before he finally spoke. “Sorry ‘bout that, lad. This landin’ was a little impromptu as it were, we weren’t intendin’ on interruptin’ yer lunch. Tell you wha-”

CRACK!

Metallo’s life had nearly been thrown away by the charged energy Alatheia had thrown at him, interrupted only by Biggs absorbing the shot in its entirety under his photo-kinetic shielding. The walking tank of a war machine responded in kind, the energy of his repurposed point defence cannon warming up with a charging shriek before unleashing a hail of plasma with rapid and devastating counter fire, turning the cover into scorched dust and any Amazons unlucky enough to get caught by it into vague ash-prints, the shots carrying through any shielding and leaving nothing to be buried.

“As I was sayin’. I’m guessin’ you might not be ‘ere on your volition, so I’ll give you an offer: We’re about to rescue a whole bunch of prisoners and re-posess this place’s ill gotten gains. If you join us, we’ll get ye both a good meal and-”

“WE ARE HERE TO STRIP THIS PLACE BARREN OF TREASURE, ” Biggs boomed. “IF YOU WANT TO JOIN US, THEN YOU WILL GET YOUR FAIR SHARE AND A RIDE OUT OF THIS PAPERCLIP FORBIDDEN PLACE.”

“Aye, that.”

Another interruption, this time coming from Metallo’s radio chatter.

“<Prison locations have been added. We are not that far off, just need to get access to the elevator I have marked.>”

“Noted. Now, lad. We’re ‘bout to get ourselves some extra hands, so me offer remains. What say you?”

Neo Babylon

017 stared upwards, lenses transfixed upon the spider that hung above them. She had already looked at the other aspects of the warehouse, the gravel, the drugs, the mysterious crates. Her processors danced within her digital mind, formulating strategies, comparing data, fugyring out what's what and who's who. This world was undeniably an enemy, who stood in 017's way and promised to threaten her primary order.

YOU MUST SURVIVE

The footsteps of 'Penny' and 'Glowstick' attracted 017's attention away from the spider graffiti, alien actuators turning her body around to look at her very fleshy compatriots. Her robotic voice rang true, and she spoke. "Recuperating from being taken from elsewhere and elsewhen. I suppose it might be a more trivial ordeal for one such as yourself."

Her lenses were cold and expressionless, head turning and staring at the homeless girl as she pleaded.

"Reason?"

There was a cold pause as 017 turned her head, noting the pulsating mass once again. "Reason dictates that a city that leaves so many upon its streets has nowhere safe. Reason dictates whomever owns this warehouse shall become my enemy sooner or later." 017 looked to the ground, already grabbing used needles and broken chains and spray cans — no, not that one, the one that was only partially empty — to assemble something that looked like a jury-rigged flamethrower. "I am sure you and your fellows may have some form of safe refuge, but what I need is something I can convert, alter. Somewhere that I can begin to build."

A warehouse felt familiar, even if it was something that was so very far apart from what she knew her kind used. Had she been here before? With each moment that something new became, something new became something familiar. The questions started to nag at her, and each second spent in a state where she could not answer them felt like a monumental waste. Yet she still felt like maybe, just maybe, this girl should get a chance.

"Unless you can find me such a place, then I shall work on cleansing here to begin my work." 017's finger rested upon the trigger guard, as if she was giving the girl one final chance.

Neo Babylon

017 found herself bolting towards the door, trying to find an abandoned warehouse to hide in. There were two problems with this plan: One, the rodents of unusual size were already warded off by her arc-flare; and two, this place was not by any means abandoned. This left 017 looking at the lock, wondering how best to break it before turning to her ‘allies’ of convenience.

Oh.

There wasn’t any bloodshed, in fact it seemed that the most damage had been done by her at this point in time. This left the little robot staring at the group as they communicated with the homeless. Unfamiliar chimes and tones that became familiar through exposure and — memory? 017 cocked her head as she thought. This place was strange but… Familiar. Why it was familiar eluded her, her memory a jumble of moments without context, save for one single command.

YOU MUST SURVIVE

The question then became how she would survive in this situation. She had guaranteed her immediate safety, but what she needed now was time to think and plan. Planning in the middle of a wharf where you had announced yourself with the equivalent to a flare was not a wise idea. These were merely the first vultures, and soon more vicious scavengers would arrive to feast. Wait, vultures? How did she know the birds of this place? Questions for later.

“Pleasantries can wait,” 017 spoke. Her voice was a clear artificial trill, feminine, but with a tone that implied some degree of experience. Unbefitting of her small frame. “I would rather find a better place for recuperation, given that this place is evidently not safe.” 017 held the chain and the lock in her hand, pointing to it. She was a good number of meters away, but not so far that her voice could not be heard and her figure not be seen. “Given the lack of rust on this lock and chain, I suspect this warehouse is far from unattended to — but it is better than being in the open.” She jostled the chain for a moment, before her hand went into that familiar configuration that implied she was going to do some welding.

“Unless one of you has a suggestion?”

Celestial Duel — Shinny Vs Anshin

YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE

It is difficult to tell what expression Krü wears, simply because his face is so alien. His nostrils are vents upon his torso, his mouth is a triangular of mandibles that all move independent, and his eyes were close in shape to those of an owl than a human. Still, the way he lowered his face towards Beramode… It resembled a cruel, cruel smile.

“Do the enemies within your branches reveal all through monologue?” Krü inquired, cocking his head to one side before his four eyes blinked. “Or are you simply irate because things did not go your way?” Krü drew one card, looking at it for it a few seconds.

“Very well, I shall tell you something about myself.”

Krü plays four cards. First of all is Seeping Parasite, a zombie type spell that is in theory incredibly powerful but it relies on chance. Firstly you must roll a six sided dice, which Krü drew from his pouch of of mysteries.

“I believe not in chance, nor fate. I know that they, and probability, are abstractions of all the trillions of factors that come into play in each single moment. I know that I can manipulate the factors to get the result I want.” Krü rolled the dice in one hand, a slow and rhythmical roll that he then released upon the tapestry of fate that he refused to believe. The dice tumbled and rolled, pulled down by the planet’s gravity before it bounced and jostled into its final position. “And I know that even then, something may alter the course in a way that I do not want — and that I must act accordingly instead of getting mad.” (Author's note: This is a lie.)

One.

Compared to the devastating curses that would Beramode would have to endure had Krü rolled high, this seemed to be an utter failure for him. Rolling a one means that a Pitiful Zombie is created. With the Grave Mass activating, this raises the count to three.

“I play Spiteful Zombie and send it to attack your Pack of Dogs.” With Suppressing Fire active, the Spiteful Zombie loses this fight quite handily. “Thanks to the Unholy terrain type, its death will allow me to draw a card. It will also perform its normal function upon death, creating another Pitiful Zombie in its wake.” The count of Pitiful Zombies increases to four.

“I then play Zombie Horde. This card sacrifices all Pitiful Zombies upon the field this turn, increasing its strength with each one sacrificed. More than a match for your Pack of Dogs, whom I send it to attack.” But wait, there’s more!

“Finally, I play Parasitic Corpses, which lets me draw a card for each zombie destroyed within the past turn.” Krü draws six cards. Four Pitiful Zombies, one Zombie Knight, and one Spiteful Zombie.

His hand is now back to exactly six.

“Your move.”

SHAME ON ME FOR TRYING TO USE DEEP QUOTES

Cavalerio never stood a chance. Rodrigo toyed with it like a dog toying with a cornered chicken, but it was never meant to be a fair fight. It got back up when it was kicked, attacked again when it was parried. Each movement kept it between Roderigo and Hector, and each moment it did was time bought. But it bought time for both parties, for a shot was lined up to punch through Hector’s shield—

And turn David's brain into a fine red mist.

His body collapsed as his head went from was to wasn’t, bone and brain and blood splattered just about everywhere not protected by armour. The body convulsed as it died, trembling as nerves fired in rapid response thanks to the lack of brain to order them. David’s body trembled, and trembled… And trembled. It trembled for longer than a body was meant to tremble, hands suddenly sinking into the earth as a long and kaleidoscopic something burst out of the neck stump.

"Ugh. I should have seen that coming."

"You are—"

"Alive, yes. Use this body if you wish, I will find another." The wispy kaleidoscopic shapes poured within the amulet once contained in the suitcase, forming legs upon the talisman which promptly skittered into the dark.

Hector nodded, flicking his wrist to puppet the headless corpse. "Together? You could never step out of the limelight, amigo. I would have always been in your shadow. Now? I shine on my own terms, from my own merits. I make my own allies."

The gaunt figure rose up, bones spurting from the body before it turned and barrelled through the exit, aimed for the perimeter. It punched itself through the bullet fire, taking shot after shot that embedded themselves within the bony thorns that covered this new body. This zombie was fast, much too fast, barrelling into the awaiting swords that sliced through its flesh with ease— Until it exploded.

Razor-sharp bones and sinew and flesh jettisoned from the zombie, spraying everywhere and cutting into everything in its path. Of course the soldiers would’ve been ample protected against such a biological attack, but then the spines went high and the flesh went far, much further than anticipated. They were never the true target.

Groaning. Shuffling. The sounds grew and grew in volume, the containment breached as the densely-packed favela was suddenly turned into a killing ground for new flesh. One scratch could turn, and so people turned and turned and turned. The zombies that came to the perimeter from the outside numbered more than should have been physically possible, a wall of meat that descended upon the Black Dogs who were now outnumbered one score to one soldier.

"My associate does not seem content to lay down and die, and I have no plans for it either. Adios." Hector turned in an about face, following the trail of ether as he tried to use the chaos of the horde to escape.

WHEN I DON’T KNOW ANY

Purr-fect Betrayal

Fixed continuity error: Moved the landing location for Metallo and his crew from the prison to the dining hall.

Purr-fect Betrayal

“Captain?” First Mate And-R-0 spoke up, lenses focused on the spectrometers they were using to passively scan the environment. And-R-0 was easy to spot from a crowd, especially with these dilapidated robot prates. He was an ‘entertainment model’, a machine built to act as a diplomat, courtesan, and worse. A slender frame that was covered in a smooth chassis that made him both wispish and androgynous. How he had managed to find himself among this crew of ne'er do wells was anybody’s guess.

“Aye?” Metallo turned to his first mate, cocking his head in curiosity.

“The amount of signals on the spectrometer are significantly lower than anticipated, captain.” And-R-0 made a gesture towards the pilot, Mechanical Turk, who silently nodded in agreement.

“Aye, it’s quiet.” Metallo said.

“Too quiet, captain.” And-R-0 replied.

This changed, of course.

Warp signature detected-

The epileptic nightmare of a mother-ship could not have made itself more known if it had tried, all sensors flaring to life as their ship rocked from the gravitational backlash of such a heavy jump. The cabin shook to life, the ship beginning to rapidly spin at speeds that would knock out most organics. It was fortunate that there were no organics aboard as the ship made rapid micro-adjustments to stabilise its trajectory — albeit there were definitely those who were worst for wear.

The sound of oil splattering disrupted the silence, joined with the clattering of nuts and bolts. And-R-0 was clutching his stomach, free hand wiping his mouth of the oil that spilled from his face plate. The others regarded him with something between pity and endless amusement.

“Status report,” Metallo commanded.

“Orichalca Mothership, captain. We are no worse for wear.” Mechanical Turk spoke, his six hands still performing to stabilise the ship.

“I can see that,” Metallo replied. A rustic hand scratched a chin of steel wool, the captain turning to the crew. “Biggs. Do you think you could pop out and knock out the propulsion with your rail-cannon?”

While Metallo was the captain and brains of the operation, Biggs was the brawn. A ‘retired’ war droid with four legs and angled ablative armour, he was built to carry weaponry that could knock a ship out of orbit. Even his default weapon for close combat was the repurposed point-defence of a Dominator class dreadnought. The single red lens that stood above his squat and thick body narrowed.

"NEGATIVE. ASTERIAN SHIPS ARE KNOWN FOR THEIR EXTENSIVE SHIELDING." Biggs’s voice always boomed.

“Might I suggest we-WHY WAS I PROGRAMMED TO BE ABLE TO VOMIT?!” And-R-0 added to the pile of oil he had made before.

“Tough luck, lad. Have we got anything that could perform a Slow Blade? Missiles? Kinetics?”

“We stripped those out to reduce the energy signature,” Mechanical Turk replied as a matter of fact. He would know, he was the one that did it. That’s how they managed to get through in the first place!

“Hmmm. That’s a tough nut to crack, and that might jeopardise us going into the city.”

And-R-0 finally managed to stop himself from vomiting. “Captain.”

“Aye?”

“Why not just grab it after it has landed?”

“I think our current crew numbers are insufficient for such a task.”

“Asteria has a history with enslaving men.”

“Emancipate a makeshift crew, aye. Hmmm. What are we pirates but those who mutiny’d against tyranny?”

“WE ARE GLORIFIED ROBBERS.”

“Oh shuddup. And-R-0, can ye recall where the prison is based?”

The androgynous robot brought up his PDA, tapping in numbers with slender fingers. “It has been a long time, captain. But it should be… There.”

“Confirmed,” Mechanical Turk spoke. “I have visual. Defences are going to be tough.”

“Oh, that’s easy.” Metallo reached to grab his plasma cutlass, flicking it on and watching the weapon’s red glow. “Grab yer weapons and ready up, me hearties. MT, teach ‘em the Kzinti Lesson.”

"A reaction drive's efficiency as a weapon is in direct proportion to its efficiency as a drive."

Larry Niven

There are very, very few people who would anticipate pirates to drop in on them at any time. The wardens of the prison would be reasonably to be among the many who did not, given the meters and meters of thick walls and energy fields built to keep the incarcerated in and the invader out. It is a shame that the wardens were the ones who would have benefited from being in the minority, for the alarms blaring to life was the five second head start that could have saved them.

The screaming blast of ignited plasma seared through anything that stood in its way, weakening metal and rock to allow the rapidly descending ship to burst through like an overripe zit. Chunks of ship were torn off with each level it ploughed through, retrograde thrusters burning until the ship finally burst through the dining hall and came to a screeching halt.

Hiss, steam escaped from the red-hot reactor that was cooling down from the burn, hatches flipping from the dilapidated pseudo-rocket. Captain Metallo and his crew burst free, from And-R-0 and his rail-musket and variety of traps, to Mechanical Turk and the swarm of mini-drones that followed in his take. Biggs was the last to leave the rocket, carrying his trusty autocannon. Killbot 5000 was strapped to his back and inactive, but that’s a surprise for later.

“Avast! I, Captain Metallo, extend an open invitation to oppressed man and machine alike, to join me crew and plunder the riches stolen from yer rightful lands.” His speakers boomed as he waved his laser cutlass and laser-pistol in the air, pointing the latter at the wardens... Wardens?

Pause.

“This is a bloody fancy prison,” Metallo turned his head to look at And-R-0. “It is the prison, yer?" The uncomfortable look upon the faces of the patrons grew into outright terror, but the sort of terror that left people in place and not responding to whatever the hell this is.

"I don't... Think so. But it has been many a year since—"

“Oh sod it. Go with MT and find a terminal, we'll find a way to the prison and find a manifesto that way.” Metallo turned, looking at the low-level guards for the dining hell who had been assigned here because they were too incompotent to go anywhere else.

“And Biggs? Open fire.”

Celestial Duel — Shinny Vs Anshin

A DIFFERENT QUOTE

“I could.” Krü spoke, one hand reaching to draw a card to add to his hand. Six cards in total, his eyes regarding them for a brief moment before his gaze transfixed upon Beramode once more.

“But I will not.” That is how Krü remained so unknown.

Krü places two cards face down, and two face up upon his mat.

“I play Grave Mass, a terrain type card which means it can only be destroyed by spells and properties which affect terrain type cards. Grave Mass changes the terrain of the board to Unholy a terrain type preferred by the undead, and it will spawn a Pitiful Zombie once per round.” Pitiful Zombie is a card that is… Crap, to put it simply. It has no effects and it has little-to-no stats. Krü places the spawned Pitiful Zombie in attack mode, before putting down another card. “I play Zombie Knight in defence mode. With its ‘Taunt’ prefix, it is the only thing you can target with attacks and spells until it is removed, giving your ploy only one target.”

A beam of energy from the pulsar washed over them, a death sentence to any mortal — but not to these. As the searing light left, three ghosts had formed upon the arena forged from the tapestry of fate. One was little more than but a pile of flesh and bones, one was a zombie who could only crawl, and one final figure was a hulking beast forged from metal grafted upon rotting flesh.

EACH TIME

Those who saw the nascent dreams of the world could see it fluctuate. A pulse of energy emanating from a sacred fetish held in David’s hands. The change was not something that impacted them directly, for they were of the living world — but it did impact their enemies. These zombies did not want to stay down, no matter how many bullets were pumped into them. They hobbled if they could not run, crawled if they could not walk, and even their disconnected limbs writhed if they had no body to connect to. Even the hand of what was once Juanito Deleto moved when the rest of the body was little more than splattered gore, grasping at Rodrigo’s ankle. It could not harm him, but the momentary weight was enough to slow him down as the inverted body gurgled and rasped in desperation.

"You wound me," Hector replied. "You look at all the magnificence I have built with my own two bloody hands and refer to it as a trick!"

"Careful, Brother. Do not let him provoke you—"

"Pah!"” A crystalline blue hand gave a dismissive wave. "It seems my new friend has more wisdom than the both of us, Rodrigo." Hector would have smiled, had he lips or any other flesh to smile with. The narco-lich instead made a gesture with his hand, as it directing something from the earth to come up, to rise.

"I shall leave you with a treat, instead. Something not so fragile". A metal hand rose from the earth, and then another, sinking into the ground to pull a body from the ground. It was smaller than Juanito, but the strips of steel grafted to its flesh made it much more noteworthy. The figure stood like a parody of a knight, pulling forth a hunk of metal with both hands that acted as both shield and weapon.

"O Cavalerio! Give our guest a lesson in hospitality."

IS KINDA DIFFICULT

Neo Babylon

YOU MUST SURVIVE.

Alien runes transcribe a booting sequence within her mind, performing diagnostics and status checks until all systems are operational. Well, not all systems. Some were non-functional, her memory corrupted with all but the barest essentials out of reach. Cyan eyes lit up as she looked at her environment and she recalled the command.

YOU MUST SURVIVE.

That was the command, and it shall be done. But this command had been given without context. Who? What? When? Where? Why? The answer would be to reach out, to touch upon the noosphere of this world and glean some form of context, but the only reply was the universe’s screams. The din rocked her positronic mind until she deactivated her systems and made the screaming stop. There would be time for that later. For now she must survive.

The man holding a rock was an obstacle to this end, for he looked to her as if he were a gorilla gazing at a coconut. 017 was not a coconut, and she had no intention of being cracked. A quick whirr caused her hear to rotate, scanning the wharf for its rats. The number was discontenting, but more then that was the squawking of an avian samurai attempting to play seki-crow. Charging head-on into the swarm was certainly a strategy, but it was not one she would consider wise.

017 had a better idea.

Scanning her environment again, the machine searched this time for the flotsam and jetsam of the wharf, scrap items on the ground that even the rats had disregarded. She might have been out of weapons, but 017 was not out of options. A fragment of rebar. Too small to hold up infrastructure, too small to use as a weapon, but not too small for her purposes.

A quick dash and 017 grabbed the rebar, holding it in her right as her left began to change. Components slid, melded, altered, exposing a point resembling the point of an arc welder. She brought it towards the rebar, turning to her compatriots for a moment.

“□□□□-□□□□-□□□□” The mechanical creature chirped, the only warning to close one’s eyes.

The arc connected.

A blinding light burst forth as the arc melted the fragment of rebar. It was as painful to look at as the sun, and it was just as damaging to the eyes. The damage would not be permanent, but it bought time. An escape? There was a door to one of the wharf warehouses, and though it was not much it was enough. A barricade against those too poor in power or equipment to blast the door down, which was all that they needed.

017 pointed to the door, running to it in a burst of speed. Hopefully her allies would follow suit — if they were wise enough to not get themselves blinded.

Purr-fect Betrayal

Packets of digital information carried themselves effortlessly through the void of space. When an entire craft used such transmissions for communication — and none of them were organic — it meant that a craft could run without a lot of systems. Life support, atmospherics, hydrodynamics. All of this meant that there was a crew boarding a craft which was for all intense and purposes dead.

“Captain,” the WiFi chattered.

“Aye?” Rusted and dilapidated joints flexed to drum fingers, a facsimile of a man sat upon a sun-bleached chair that swivelled to look at its target. A scrap-parrot cocked its head to look at their ‘guest’, one of the myriad crew of the ship known as the ‘Sailing’); DROP TABLE Ships’.

“There’s been some chattering on the waves,” the crewman spoke through digital transmissions. “I think we have our next target.”

“Where’s it to?”

“Take a listen—” The crewman brought forth a PDA from the pockets of his stereotypical pirate’s attire. Metal fingers passed it across to the captain, who picked it up and flicked through the records to take note. Bounty and booty, all in one convenient asteroid. The Captain would have smiled, were his eyes not red lenses and his mouth not a metallic grill.

The Captain finally rose from his chair, striding forth towards his crew of robot pirates who milled away at odds and ends while they floated in the depths of space. “Anchors aweigh and all hands hoy, me hearties!” The crew buzzed to life, radio chatter flaring active as The Captain strode down the ‘deck’, gazing through a hole into the inky blackness.

“Boot up the old hyperdive and set course for Asteria, lads.” The Captain turned away, picking out his favourite tricorn and gathering his laser pistol and cutlass. His crew worked in kind, several of them grabbing gauss muskets and their own technologically advanced melee weapons. The radiation levels spiked as the fusion reactor booted to full capacity, a death sentence for any organic, a perfect cover for this crew.

“We’ve got work to do.”

---

Some time later and the ramshackle corpse of a ship floated within a lagrange point, masking its presence via shutting off all systems and drifting as a lifeless derelict. Heat signatures were minimal, and radio chatter did not extend beyond the ship’s reaches.

The chunk that broke off from the main ship could have been misconstrued as just another piece of scrap, at least until it changed its yaw and started to gently accelerate towards the distant and well defended asteroid. A crew of five, hustled in this minute craft as it slowly drifted towards the home of the Amazons.

“Try and not cause a ruckus, least until things kick off.” The crew and their gracious leader, Captain Metallo, swivelled their ship and prepared a series of minor retrograde burns. They had to prepare for landing as quietly as possible. A straight up firefight would’ve been suicide, but pirates were not known for playing by the rules.