@Blizz I don't recognize the song at all sorry XD Though gembones actually can form by many different minerals and agate which is silicon dioxide doesn't have any calcium so THAT IS A LIE *shot*.
TheLoneBanette Member
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- TheLoneBanette 9 yrs ago
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@Blizz Alright. I'll be working on Gembone.
@Blizz No, this takes place in the past. Back when Rose Quartz was leading the rebellion. This is an RP of said rebellion. The events of SU would be 5000 years in the future to the people in the RP.
@Blizz Alright. If you're ever confused about anything though don't be afraid to ask for me to clear it up. :3
@Blizz No offense taken but I don't see how it doesn't make sense. All I'm saying is that /this RP takes place in the past events of SU/ during the rebellion which in current SU times took place at least 5000 years ago. My only point there was that a name like Jack probably wasn't used 5000 years ago. It wasn't anything huge just nit-picking. If you're a visual person I can make a visual example or something to explain if you're confused about when this takes place.
@Blizz Maybe I didn't word that well. I mean Jack shouldn't have a name like Jack because the gem wars took place 5000 years ago /from the current events/ of Steven Universe which seem to be more or less the present and I'm saying that in the times of the RP 'Jack' probably wouldn't be a name used. Not saying he or Jack (obviously) are 5000 years old I get that they're not. A character can be 1 year old but that doesn't change that this story itself is taking place 5000 years ago and that if we were to make reference to it in modern SU times it would be 5000 years after and therefore 5001 years old even if they're only 1 now. Makes sense?
@Blizz
-My point as to why it shouldn't be a flaw is that it's not going to be challenging him when it really matters because his mind will be off the matter.
-Please do fix the grammar
- Jack should be really important if he has such an impact on who Azurite is now and you should definitely flesh him out. Simply having him exist for tragedy is cheap and frankly lazy writing. At the very least if you're not going to detail Jack at least detail how he's impacted Azurite other than just he's sad now because of it. If Jack ultimately boils down to a reason for Azurite to be sad/gloomy/angsty/whatever then you should really think of another reason because befriending someone and losing someone is going to have a much bigger impact on a character than just that and there are many other ways for one to become sad/gloomy/angsty/whatever. Plus now that I think about it a name like Jack doesn't seem like a name someone would have 5000 years ago so maybe look up archaic names?
-By show don't tell I mean this. Compare:
[These aren't my examples by the way]
"Mr. Bobweave was a fat, ungrateful old man."
and
"Mr. Bobweave heaved himself out of the chair. As his feet spread under his apple-like frame and his arthritic knees popped and cracked in objection, he pounded the floor with his cane while cursing that dreadful girl who was late again with his coffee."
In the first example we're just told that he's a fat and ungrateful old man. In the other we're shown that he's fat amd old and ungrateful through descriptions and actions. In Azurite's writing example, you told us that he's peaceful and that he's good friends with Jack and other things but we're not actually shown this.
@ManoftheNorth What's been done so far looks good except for one thing; the fatal flaw and saving grace should be one trait each. You can keep what's written but maybe highlight the one trait that has the most influence?
@urukhai Don't worry I'll get to your CS soon.
-My point as to why it shouldn't be a flaw is that it's not going to be challenging him when it really matters because his mind will be off the matter.
-Please do fix the grammar
- Jack should be really important if he has such an impact on who Azurite is now and you should definitely flesh him out. Simply having him exist for tragedy is cheap and frankly lazy writing. At the very least if you're not going to detail Jack at least detail how he's impacted Azurite other than just he's sad now because of it. If Jack ultimately boils down to a reason for Azurite to be sad/gloomy/angsty/whatever then you should really think of another reason because befriending someone and losing someone is going to have a much bigger impact on a character than just that and there are many other ways for one to become sad/gloomy/angsty/whatever. Plus now that I think about it a name like Jack doesn't seem like a name someone would have 5000 years ago so maybe look up archaic names?
-By show don't tell I mean this. Compare:
[These aren't my examples by the way]
"Mr. Bobweave was a fat, ungrateful old man."
and
"Mr. Bobweave heaved himself out of the chair. As his feet spread under his apple-like frame and his arthritic knees popped and cracked in objection, he pounded the floor with his cane while cursing that dreadful girl who was late again with his coffee."
In the first example we're just told that he's a fat and ungrateful old man. In the other we're shown that he's fat amd old and ungrateful through descriptions and actions. In Azurite's writing example, you told us that he's peaceful and that he's good friends with Jack and other things but we're not actually shown this.
@ManoftheNorth What's been done so far looks good except for one thing; the fatal flaw and saving grace should be one trait each. You can keep what's written but maybe highlight the one trait that has the most influence?
@urukhai Don't worry I'll get to your CS soon.
I've been busy with schoolwork (got a teacher who's known for giving more homework in grade 8 than most get through-out their entire highschool years) but I'll try to get Dinosaur Gembone and the OOC done very soon. Until then I'll be looking over all the other apps.
@urukhai Well there's no real normal goldstone especially since it's a mad-made gem (actually a glass) but yeah those colors are fine.
@Blizz
A few things that need to be fixed up:
1) Grammar. It's not terrible but it could use some work.
2) Some sort of limitation on the powers are needed in order to not make them too OP
3) This can only be a flaw if this impedes his ability to be aware of his present situation and I think that it's really improbably for it to have his mind on it 24/7 when his own life is endangered or something else drastic is happening. I mean if it's happened recently sure but eeeeeeeeh I don't know how to feel about this.
4) It'd be nice to know more about who this Jack guy is, other than he's his friend. Maybe how he befriended a human. Things you should add to the history probably. I know I said you don't need to include it if your gem is young enough but I meant so young that nothing really important happened and clearly something important happened to Azurite.
5) The first sentences of your writing example are already telling instead of showing and we don't get much of an idea of his personality other than he's not a coward and that he was (I'm guessing this changed) a much more talkative. Everything else is told to us rather than shown. Don't get me wrong it's a nice snipet for history but still.
Other than this everything looks good.
A few things that need to be fixed up:
1) Grammar. It's not terrible but it could use some work.
2) Some sort of limitation on the powers are needed in order to not make them too OP
3) This can only be a flaw if this impedes his ability to be aware of his present situation and I think that it's really improbably for it to have his mind on it 24/7 when his own life is endangered or something else drastic is happening. I mean if it's happened recently sure but eeeeeeeeh I don't know how to feel about this.
4) It'd be nice to know more about who this Jack guy is, other than he's his friend. Maybe how he befriended a human. Things you should add to the history probably. I know I said you don't need to include it if your gem is young enough but I meant so young that nothing really important happened and clearly something important happened to Azurite.
5) The first sentences of your writing example are already telling instead of showing and we don't get much of an idea of his personality other than he's not a coward and that he was (I'm guessing this changed) a much more talkative. Everything else is told to us rather than shown. Don't get me wrong it's a nice snipet for history but still.
Other than this everything looks good.
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