And I'm low on Preparation H & ginger root.

VD is not something you can get rid of easily (trust me, I know) so we just have to deal with it. But fret not ye forevirgins, Mama Griever will get you through this overly commercialized holiday. And if you follow my advice, you might not even spend Valentine's Day alone this year.

1.) Smoke cigarettes, you'll be skinnier for whoever is going to be carving your name into their wrists.

2.) *TWIRL* but try not to make a mess. If you're adopted or Hispanic, this isn't recommended.

3.) Be a standoffish little coquette if you're a girl. Guys love a good, mean-spirited, bitch who looks like she enjoys getting her hair pulled.
3.5) Grovel lots if you're a guy, women want a man who isn't submissive to anyone except them. Also roses are for creepy Italian men, get her a cactus instead to represent your thorniness for her/him and the thorny nature of love. (Hopefully they will get the message and this will inspire them to shave, so you won't feel like you're humping a cactus.)

4.) Adult Circumcision is usually covered by insurance. It's never too late to throw a Bris!

5.) Don't bother buying chocolate for someone else, just wait until someone buys it for YOU. And besides, chocolate makes you fat, and nobody wants to date a fat person. Why would you make your spouse/partner/bf/gf fat? You wouldn't.

6.) Don't date underage people/minors. Just don't.

7.) Honesty is not the best policy in the real world. But it IS the best policy in relationships.

8.) Valentine's Day is still not over. Go pick up a hitchhiker or a hobo or bar wench if you must, just don't spend today alone! (or you failed)

9.) Have a Happy Valentine's Day and realize that it's an overly-commercialized holiday that, at the end of the day, is inconsequential. There's always next year.
---

#4 will probably only apply to people born outside the U.S.

Europeans, you DO celebrate Valentine's Day...right?

Griever said
#4 will probably only apply to people born outside the U.S.Europeans, you DO celebrate Valentine's Day...right?

Yup.

I know we're a bunch of miserable bastards, but not that miserable.

Griever said
#4 will probably only apply to people born outside the U.S. Europeans, you DO celebrate Valentine's Day...right?

More or less. It's a thing but many people don't pay attention to it (just like Halloween).

I can only ever pick up women if I am on Nootropics (i.e. high).

K-97 said
I can only ever pick up women if I am on Nootropics (i.e. high).

But nootropics (racetams) don't get you high tho, they just increase permeability of neural brain cell membranes. Supposedly. There's very little actual legitimate science that shows how they work or if they work.

Griever said
But nootropics (racetams) don't get you high tho, they just increase permeability of neural brain cell membranes. Supposedly. There's very little actual legitimate science that shows how they work or if they work.

Placebo or not. I feel them working and I'll take what I can get

"We'll bang, okay?"

Works every time.

Dervish said
"We'll bang, okay?"Works every time.

Only if you're into a Trashy McSlut.

I'm trying to get people laid by classy chicks/dudes.

Dervish said
"We'll bang, okay," Works every time.

FTFY.

Griever said
Only if you're into a Trashy McSlut.I'm trying to get people laid by classy chicks/dudes.

Then instead of telling them you're going to fuck you pay them. Simple.

I only give cacti to my favorite mean spirited bitches

Aza, flash diamonds, get bitches.

Only 4 more days, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about you guys, but I was reminded yesterday when I got a lovely box of chocolates in the mail from a suitor. Someone obv likes me. It was nice, because I wasn't expecting it and now I get to pig out on dark chocolate.



5.) Don't bother buying chocolate for someone else, just wait until someone buys it for YOU. And besides, chocolate makes you fat, and nobody wants to date a fat person. Why would you make your spouse/partner/bf/gf fat? You wouldn't.

What about making your interest/SO/spouse fat to lower their self conscious and then gettin' them on a diet to redeem their hot points?

Surly that would be a good bet, then you get to cash in on 'you stuck with me through my fat phase points, i love you ^^' points.

I think you're missing out on a big goldmine here.

Azarthes said
What about making your interest/SO/spouse fat to lower their self conscious and then gettin' them on a diet to redeem their hot points? Surly that would be a good bet, then you get to cash in on 'you stuck with me through my fat phase points, i love you ^^' points.I think you're missing out on a big goldmine here.

Alternatively, get them fat to lower their self-confidence and then bag them when they're at their "weakest."

If you're into that kind of thing. But you shouldn't be.

However, this has the potential to backfire if they get hot again. They might view you as part of the Fat Phase and toss you out along with their excess skin, so they're not reminded of their shameful past.

Not sure what's reacting strongest to this, my sense of humour or my morality.

Griever said
Alternatively, get them fat to lower their self-confidence and then bag them when they're at their ""If you're into that kind of thing. But you shouldn't be.However, this has the potential to backfire if they get hot again. They might view you as part of the Fat Phase and toss you out along with their excess skin, so they're not reminded of their shameful past.

Shit that's right.
Ah where would I be with out these Griever life tutorials

Alternatively you can just come prepared with roofies, lube, and duct tape. That's how I'll be celebrating Valentines Day.