Alright, done with nine out of seventeen. I want to post all of them in one fell swoop, no discrimination against those with entries first or last or in the middle of the list. All of them at the same time. I'm done with over half of them. Let's check the next-
*opens tenth hider*
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Being done with over half the entries does NOT mean I have read over half the words. XD
Key, I've already decided that I need to set aside like an hour just to read your entry. Same with Ellri, except less so. As I said, I'll start on poetry. Probably tomorrow.
I like the idea behind this story. If I am to understand things, they are in some sort of simulation, but when they lose, they are killed for real? That is very intriguing. Why would someone join something like that? It kind of reminds me of Battle Royale or The Hunger Games. The same kind of feel at least.
Things that throw me off. There is next to no punctuation. The words in ( ) might come across looking better if they were also in italics. At least to me, they would stand out more and not be confusing.
The writing is good, but I am not sure I get this. The setting does not feel realistic. The main character seems too overpowered, which is my personal pet peeve. It feels like this is a fanfiction for something I am clueless about. The idea is very interesting and I would love to see it more fleshed out and turned into an actual novel.
@Someone
I really enjoyed reading this. It was very well written. Though I am confused as who the person telling the story is.
The ending is really confusing. It feels unfinished. This also feels like something else, such as the whole things is coming from The Man's head and is not real, perhaps he is crazy or something. It feels like the artificial light represents something else. How could they survive without trees, let alone on artificial sunlight?
I am very sorry. I can not read this because it is all squished together. I did try, though. It needs spaces between the paragraphs. That might be a style choice, but it also makes it much easier to read. There is also some grammar mistakes that I caught on the first few paragraphs, such as the "d" in "Dr" not being an upper case letter.
@SomeoneElse
Poem... I don't really understand poems, but I believe this is very well written.
Seems like this could be a little more fleshed out. It was over before I even started reading it. Having two people speak in the same paragraph is very confusing and just doesn't look great. Idea behind this is really interesting, but I wish there was more as I still am not sure what this is truly about.
@Someonewhoshallnotbenamed
I like the banner. Since this is a poem, I am sadly in the camp that does not really get much poetry. It is very sad; I wish I understood it more. I don't even get my own poetry. I really did like this though. With my limited knowledge of poems, I believe this is very well written. I hope that counts for something!
Poems, how we do not get along. I like them and also do not really get most of them at the same time. This has a feeling of sadness, even though I don't quite get it, I can feel the feeling.
This is the kind of poem I like, it feels like it more tells a story and I am not confused. Beautifully written. It really makes me wonder about the characters.
... Phew. Alright. Reviews done. I apologize if I offend anyone or so. Um. Yeah. Have a nice day.
... Plenty of failure’s to use capital letters. Meaning more than two in the first paragraph. That made the entry really difficult to read out loud. That really isn’t a hard thing to keep track of. There must be SOME way to make capital letters, the rest of the writing of this entry is top-notch, and not using capital letters really draws a shroud of laziness over the entire thing. You’re clearly a good writer, so it is a shame. On a completely different note, I always found that method of qualification to be absurdly stupid. The genius soldier that just happened to have a bad day might be killed for no reason. Oh, well.
… And I am now finding a ton of capital letters where there shouldn’t be any, as well as lacks of commas and apostrophes. It is really throwing me off. In any case. Continue reading. Ignoring such things from now on.
I fail to see the connection with the theme. Sure, with the guns at hand they do hold a fair amount of power, and this entire thing is a show of their own personal power, but… Yeah. What aspect of power is it you’re intending to show off? It isn’t very clear to me. In addition, they speak a lot for supposed trained elites spouting quite clichéd lines at one another, which made them feel somewhat unnatural, and therefore it was difficult to become attached to what felt unnatural. Her action of shooting him with a one-liner before stomping his dead face and THEN feeling the cold sting of killing someone she had known for so long felt very odd to me. In any case.
I am going to state that I am entirely fine with the background being vague. It gives a sense of mystery that could make us sit on the edge of our seats reading in wonder, if used correctly. That, and you clearly have the ability to write. I’m just going to suggest; write more, read more, and you’ll get there eventually. Compare and see if you know what you’re missing, and then do it again and again until you’ve got an understanding for what makes a nice story. A pretty good effort. Keep at it.
Do you mean it “wasn’t” an inconvenience? XD
Not sure shooting lightning-bolts at a downed generator would be the best way to start it, there must have been a logical reason why it shut down, after all. Starting it might make it go haywire or something. Oh, well. That’s not important right now. XD
A nice little message. I have no complaints or anything. I really like the resolution he came to at the end. The story doesn’t stand out as particularly spectacular or anything, but it is a nice little display of what you could do with the theme. Nicely done.
… Hm. I am not entirely sure what the lesson in front of the actual entry was trying to tell, but suppose it was a lesson on what real power is supposed to be. Or rather than a lesson, it’s a thought. Haha. In any case…
… Well written. I have little else to say about this. The way you didn’t tell what her role was until she had actually finished getting dressed had an interesting impact. The desires in the end are well-founded and understandable, not to mention hits in a place that can be related to. So, well done, mate. Well done.
You bit off more than you could chew, didn’t you? Or did you actually intend the story to end like that? You set up an interesting scenario and then killed it off without development. Your writing is fine and so is your imagination, but that ending was boring.
You’re going to need more than that to make me feel like I gained something from reading that long backstory. You did nothing with the interesting things you set up. It all ended really anti-climatically. I wonder what you really intended on doing with it, because currently it feels like a waste.
It… took me a while to realize this was written about restoring the power of the sun. It was odd. There was something so incredibly passive about this entry, like the entire thing was displayed in monochrome, how everything wanted color. And you pulled it off… ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY! The aura of this piece just covered everything around me and the piece put me in EXACTLY the correct mood to read it. A sweet and cute little girl, a father that loves her, all of it… It was so adorable. And his desire, in such a monochrome world… It is beautiful. I believe it was your writing that caused this aura. Masterfully done. I am not even sure what you did, but masterfully done. You may just have snared my vote. I have a few entries left to read, but know that I love this entry. By far the best I’ve read in a while. Very well done. Haha.
I, uh, don’t get anything! But nicely rhymed! The sentences flowed on my tongue! Nicely written! I don’t get anything! Hahahahaha!
I must say, Andy’s a pretty likable chap. The fact you started with introducing Eric, who was proven not to be the main character, confused me a bit, but eh. The entry introduces a rather entertaining scenario, a situation that sounds almost believable. Except, well, I believe even the media would have laughed at the prospect of such magic, but I might be wrong. Still, the fact nothing happens in the scenario leaves it just an interesting experience, and that’s actually quite fine of it to be, even if it wasn’t very exciting or anything else. I will call this a work well done. So well done.
Gosh. That was exhausting to read. It must have taken ages to find all those rhymes and make it (kind of) work. I shudder at the thought of that painstaking effort. Congratulations on coming out on the other side. Now, then.
I actually think this one was too long for me to properly enjoy it. It stayed too long on things that I did not consider important enough, and it overstayed its welcome. It was a lot of effort, and well done on that point, but yikes, I could not enjoy this entry at its length, I am afraid.
Also, what was it about?
A really entertaining thought. Yeah, a man with only one job, but with the power of doing that one thing he shouldn’t do. It got the little mischievous child in me to smile wickedly as I watched for what would happen. And yeah, rather predictably, that happened. Given the title, nothing else could have happened, really. Yet, it was quite satisfying. Despite the supposedly negative end, it was so satisfying to just scratch that little itch of confirmation. This little entry was an entertaining little break that gave me a little amused chuckle. Thank you very much for that. Teh-heh.
Oh, holy mother of god. Alright, I’ve become interested. Lesse. What, you’re gonna have me do math? Geesh. Calculator!
… Gosh. Now I feel quite empty. This makes me somewhat ask what one aims to do with a good text. I usually value how good a test on how satisfied I am after reading it, however… That might not be accurate. This entry somewhat makes me question this. In any case, I suppose I will go ahead and inform you of my thoughts.
You grabbed my interest early and kept it for a large part of the entry. Your disposal of Elis removed the one who made me emotionally attached to the entry, which made the rest of the entry mechanical and rather emotionally distant… … … which might actually have been a stroke of genius, considering the contents of the entry. Very interesting. I had become deeply intrigued and kept reading, thinking partially that the doctor should have seen this coming when the last one was hacking the computer. The end, however, was unsatisfactory. Sure, they took the princess. A princess who I would have desired to have been introduced far earlier, but eh, that’s a minor detail. I sincerely hope there was more to their plan than that. Ending things asking those questions is unsatisfactory. I read because I want to learn everything, not because I want to be left without all the information. Which leads me back to my question. … Was this actually genius or is it a flaw? I have no idea. But as it is, it feels incomplete. It feels like the prelude of a much longer story, with a completely different main character that we might not even have seen yet, however without the real story a prelude is unsatisfactory. But…
… Brilliantly written. While I was getting exhausted towards the end, the end’s writing translated to actually looking more messy perhaps because of it, but you’ve got some sincere writing skill. Wonderfully done. Just… end the story, next time. Sincerely. … Or not, if that’s part of your creed. Whatever suits best for you. Haha.
Guess what? I don’t need to write a fake review! XD
… Awesome poem. Unlike those I have read so far, this one flowed brilliantly with no hick-ups whatsoever, had an UNMISTAKABLE train of thoughts which was given in a way that simply could not be left up to interpretation (that’s a good thing), and the ending was satisfying as all hell. It was in just the beginning of the sweet zone of poetry, where just a bit shorter and it would have been too short so it could have afforded to be just a little bit longer, but it is entirely fine as it is. Wonderfully done. It read like so fluently.
The only thing I’m wondering, what world is it the text is talking about? XD
I’m struggling to know if this is a poem or not. I mean, it is a story in short strangely cut sentences, but… It is not rhyming, I can’t see any specific amount of pronunciation per line, I have no idea. The story itself, though, is one I have read a thousand and one times and not one which I am particularly impressed by without any additional features. Still. Nicely done an effort. The writing is good, the content just… didn’t stand out at all. Haha.
Why did she accept the duel? Was there any reason why she allowed herself to come to such danger? Did she want to die? Was there a reason why she had to die? Why is she called a “lover”? How? What? Why? Hahahahaha, I’ll never know! *shivers behind a couch in misery* … In any case. Nicely written, but the thousands of questions circling my mind kind of spoiled the emotions I was supposed to feel by this. Still, pretty nice rhymes. Well done. Haha. … I have no idea! XD
… Yeah. That’s how it is supposed to end. Any other end would have annoyed me, seeing what perspective we were following and the seeming surety with which she was acting. I think the beginning taught me an important little lesson on exposition, because that was a drag to read despite that it wasn’t much. In any case. Nicely done. The entry delivered what it was supposed to, though the mind-battle got confusing in a way that I’m not entirely sure how to describe. … I did not get very excited. It felt like there was nothing at risk, Lysa had it all planned out and she was never really in danger. However, that is fine as long as you were aware of it. In any case. Nicely done. I have no issues with this entry. Though, I did not find the world particularly interesting. Hah.
… You know what, I’ll read this last. *snicker* Mami’s enthusiasm is infectious. … Let me just state, when reading your writing I am reminded of the books by Peter F. Hamilton... A lot. … Like, totally incredibly a lot. … … … *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares at Keyguyperson*… … “Vespuccia is, as every single one of you realized already, America”… Nope! I do not insert existing countries into the places of fictional ones, as such I completely failed to realize there was any such parallels in the entry. While I did recognize the languages as existing languages, I did not bother thinking things through to that level. In fact, I prefer it like that.
Alright. You just outclassed everything. You have absurd length in your entry, relatable characters, unique ideas, exciting development and meaningful message all rolled into one. What the heck are you doing submitting this as a CONTEST ENTRY FOR A FORUM!? Write the god damn book! Believe me when I say this is the most complex, skillfully written and thoroughly thought-out entry I’ve seen in this competition since ever. You’re overqualified for this competition with these entries. I am afraid I am going to have to refrain from voting for you to discourage you from dominating the opposition! XD
Of course, you can still submit them if you want people to read them, WHICH I WILL GLADLY! … But I won’t vote for these! XD I’d much rather read the book you perhaps publish, or anything that is FAR longer than this! Now that I got that out of my system, allow me to fan-boy a little bit. *ah-hem*
I love Mami. She’s so relatable. Such an excitable person. Getting periodically closer to the defrosting Naoko was a blast. Man, I love her too. The world with these ships, this canal, these nations and all of that, it is absolutely beautiful. The main character being the translator between the languages and all the language jokes and twists which you presented was absolute genius. It was a new way to have a little literal play with words which was incredibly interesting to follow. The twist of the ship and the humans, the canal, the cycles and the weapons, so god damn relatable and understandable! It’s… actually, something I’ve heard a few times before, that thing about the ship and what humans did and the message, but you have this twist to it that I find absolutely refreshing and it feels unique enough that I want the entire package! I want a god damn movie to be made out of this! XD
If there is anything that I’d like to criticize, it is that it feels like the writing got a bit more sloppy towards the end. Not the final scene, I’m getting to that, but the scenes before. Like, the moment after they got onboard the Ausdauer. It got really thin in description, there, which drowned the impression of the entire piece a bit, which is a shame. There were also more actual writing-mistakes in this part, which is something I didn’t expect from you. I also would have wanted an epilogue, since you kind of dropped us off at an unfair place. We can imagine what happens after, but you’ve so skillfully told us everything that happens up until that point, why leave us hanging?
But… god. That last scene… is so absolutely brilliant. Reading out the story like that… and… perfectly explaining the title, making that come back, and it is so emotional as the soldiers do the right thing and so. Those are scenes I have seen before, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that they are so FENOMENALLY POWERFUL! … And you pulled it off BEAUTIFULLY, with an AWESOME TWIST, which was BEAUTIFULLY conducted in a SENSIBLE way by our NON-COMBATANT MAIN CHARACTER! Allow me to hug you. Oh, damn, I can’t. Where do you live? I feel like paying the actual money to fly over and hug you, if that’s alright. Don’t take my word for it, though. I’m a rather poor college student, so. In any case. Best scene ever. I just wanted to know what happened after it, too.
… But as I already said, I’m not going to vote for you. You’re overqualified for my vote. XD
Edit: I reconsidered. It felt unfair to write you off like that, and hence I thought of voting for you regardless. But then there was the problem that Artificial Light had been pulled off so beautifully, while yours actually had SOME issues, but... ... ... ... ... I did have a hard time deciding.
Alright. Thanks for that, it was a beautiful couple of laughs. After the entry, I spent a good ten seconds just chuckling to myself. That was a good way to end the entry. I was satisfied. Now, then.
It has come to my attention that the grammar isn’t quite perfect all the time, but you pass the high-quality check. However, it would seem that the writing got less and less detailed as time went on, which is unfortunate. I know why they can happen, but do try to keep consistent, or it will feel like you got tired of your production while writing, and that never translates well to the reader. Still, I was plenty amused, so thank you for that. I would consider this a text to be proud of. Haha.
… Well. Thank god I didn’t finish with this one. Thoroughly negative and without any significant substance other than a single message that I cannot relate to at all and therefore only feel disturbed by. … … … … … *sigh*
If that’s what you want to write.
I will post replies on the reviews of my entry after I think all that will review it have posted. Haha.
Agreed to the criticism,@PlatinumSkink. The ending was flawed. We discovered the 13th had crept up on us, and we wouldn't be able to finish the story by the 17th due to being away from a computer we could type it on for several days then.
We're still thinking of finishing it up as it should be finished. It just couldn't be done by the deadline here. The last bit was all written on a tablet, which went rather slowly and didn't have the true flow. The original intention was to have far more buildup after the first mention of the princess. But those characters and the deadline wouldn't let us! We honestly don't know where it would go towards the end there. That alone is reason enough to explore it.
>C The hook was effective, though briefly. While a fairly standard approach, having a seemingly scripted message concisely delineate the essential contextual information is a good, quick way of both keeping the reader on track right of the bat, and setting the tone. I'll note, however, that the said a voice significantly diminished this effect. It is a very, very generic statement that provides no new information whatsoever to the reader—anything from a synonym for the verb to an adjective to elucidate the nature of the voice would have helped greatly here.
Now, to the bulk of the entry.
There are some spelling mistakes—oppurtunity vs opportunity, for example—but more noticeably both punctuation and capitalization are used haphazardly. I won't go into detail for the latter, it is a relatively simple thing to look up. However, I'll offer some tips for the punctuation.
Take the sentence, Ash saw this as a opportunity, she quickly kicked the single gun from his hand and pulled her own from her case and fired point blank into his face. Looking at the comma, one can see that if replaced with a period, it would still form two correct sentences; this tells us the comma does not fit here. There are three options.
First, replace the comma with a period (.). This makes for two sentences, and is the basic form. It cause the reader to take a momentary break between the two, and slows things down. Conversely, it puts more focus on the "opportunity", leaving that shorter sentence with more impact before the reader moves on.
Second, replace the comma with a semi-colon (;). This links the two sentences together, and is closest in concept to the comma itself. In this way, the second half of the sentence becomes a direct result of the first half, improving flow.
Third, replace the comma with an em-dash (—). A favourite of mine, the effect here is one of speed. The two sentences read as if actions are moving quicker, with less time taken to let things sink in. Very useful for rapid series of events.
Of course, which you choose to use is up to you; it is a stylistic choice, but being aware of the supposed effect can be helpful. I guess you could also continue to use the comma, but that'd be grammatically incorrect.
There are a bunch of other things I can nitpick on—for example, I feel the use of parentheses when listing kills turns it into a 'oh by-the-way' type aside, whereas it should instead be a chilling reminder of the grimness of the setting. However, I won't let this review get too steeped in technicalities.
Anyways, on the story aspects. I enjoy the overwhelming nature of her predicament and its effects on her psyche—however, it feels as though it is too quickly glided over. There is but one paragraph, really, where she questions the morality of her actions, and thereafter it is merely 'no conscience, kill now, no time for morality'. It's a little hard to believe she would so quickly shift in mentality, especially considering imminent death was equally present in both situations.
In fact, this rapidity of thought-shifting is similar to the entries scene-shifting—only the tiniest of moments are taken to describe the change between foraging and captured, or the fighting and the conclusion, giving the reader tone-whiplash. (The conclusion switch was the worse of the two, as it didn't even receive a paragraph break.) Sometimes things just need to be slowed down while transitioning; leave the quick back-and-forth for the actual fighting scenes.
Finally, even discounting the aforementioned speedy arrival of the conclusion, the ending felt lacklustre. Yes, she won, but all we know is she made it onto the Delta Squad. The significance of this feat is hardly expanded upon—she might be ecstatic, but we can hardly empathize with her because we know almost nothing of the situation. Expanding upon the motives and context of the character's actions not only amplifies the power—*teehee*—of the story, but also the connection the reader has with the protagonist.
So, basically, the action was gripping, but there's a lot of room for improvement in both syntactic and narrative technique.
>C+ Liked the hook.
But ignoring the effective use of repetition in those first two lines, there is a lot of needless repetition in the rest of the intro. It just seemed, though, went out, and power plant were each used once too many. Some of those would do well with synonyms—others would be better off just being left out, for the context was enough for the reader.
As for the bulk of the entry, there was definitely an overuse of the verb said. It is a rather emotionless word, and takes away much of the potential power from the dialogue. The mother could have grieved or sobbed her words instead of saying them, and she would have become far more vibrant as a result. Little things can have a big effect. (Though, to be fair, there were a couple of good cases, like I spat out a bit of blood to the side, which helps pass across the mood of the protagonist as he speaks.) In addition, using synonyms for the black-and-blond boys woulda been nice from time to time.
More generally, the first-person didn't feel like it was being used to full effect. If all of the introspection had been italicized—as is the convention for thoughts in fiction these days, I guess—and the 'I's turned to 'he's, nothing would feel amiss. If using the first-person, it pays to capitalize on the benefits it allows! Here's an example.
Let's look at the sentence He said as he beat his aluminum bat onto me. In this sentence, the focus is on the assailant—even though the narrator himself is being pummeled! It is odd for a person's perception to be directed as such. Something like I heard him say as I felt the bat slam into into me shifts the action onto the narrator, as is natural for a first-person context.
Of course, as with most things, this is a stylistic choice.
Finally, the story itself. The main issue I have with the unfolding of the plot is the presentation of conflict. From the conclusion, it is evident that the conflict that has been surmounted is one of 'self vs self'—he accepts that he shall no longer abuse power. That being said, he didn't really abuse his power at all in the story itself. He was trying to help out as best he could! The only actual conflict presented was self vs others/society, being the two teens.
If we had seen him do something corrupt, something with his own desires placed ahead of that of the city, his change in mindset would have come across as far more meaningful.
@Psyga315, author of Escalation of Two Brothers. Lots of improvement here—in particular, the protagonist seems far more believable and less melodramatic, though still more improvement can be done in that regard.
>A- Hoo boy, that intro dragged on just a bit too long. It was a good hook at first, but about two-thirds of the way through—right around such things are too short sighted—I was beginning to wonder if this was just going to be a political essay after all, and not a story. Not too big an issue, but it meant I had to start dragging myself forward, and if this wasn't RPGC, I probably would have lost interest and moved on.
In fact, the following bit suffered a similar problem. There was some very poignant, appropriate description, but as it wore on, it started to bear into purple prose territory. Thankfully, the narration caught its stride and things balanced out thereafter.
Not much negative to say about what followed. The switching between short and long paragraphs kept things moving and focused the flow, the protagonist was relatable and the plot played out smoothly. The writing was good, the description effective, and the dialogue never felt out of place. Some specific good things I can point out were effective uses of paragraph breaks to build tension—such as before Blood was everywhere—and the segregation of action and introspection to keep things moving at the appropriate rate.
The greatest fault then, seems to be the intro. It's relation to the conflict of the medic's work is only tangentially apparent, and as I mentioned, it gives the wrong impression. What follows, however, was great.
>C+ I felt the switch from brutal murder to casual conversation significantly weakened the strength of tone in the piece. I never felt the urgency of their situation, or even some reckoning of Lavender's insanity, because for the most part, it was just two partners chatting. There was no chance given for the reader to transition between the moods of the individual scenes.
So, what do I mean? Take the first paragraph: Lavender kills Snow. The next paragraph, Lavender and Tangerine are discussing the kill. This makes sense. However, later on in the story, we learn that Tangerine has never seen someone killed! The reader was given no indication whatsoever that there was a change in scene between the murder and the chat, leading to confusion down the line. Breezing past scene changes is a regular problem in this entry.
On a technical note, there were a lot of cases of commas being used incorrectly, as well as places where commas were missing. In fact, there is a tendency here towards overly long sentences and run-ons. I'll deconstruct one such sentence. Here is a corrected form:
Luckily enough, for the silence allowed Tangerine to hear the footsteps right behind her, causing her to jump to the side and fire blindly at nothing—but one hit Jet's leg, causing him to come into view as he let out a gasp of pain.
The first comma is there because the following word is a coordinating conjunction, which needs it. It helps split it with the sentence's intro, allowing the ready to realize that the 'for' applies to the previous sentence's actions.
Replacing the second comma with an em-dash similarly helps the reader follow the structure. If it were left as it had been, the comma would leave the two parts of the sentence on equal footing, leading to confusion as to whether both apply to the previous sentence or to one another. It also adds to the rapidity of action flow.
Also, there was a verb tense error on 'lets'. Gotta be consistent. (Also, yes, this bullet is totally irrelevant.)
Finally, I found the ending lacking in punch. I can understand an anticlimax, and this was a standard fare twist anticlimax, based on betrayal. What makes lack in feeling is that we have little reason to sympathize with the protagonist's death. She never really underwent any personal development, had almost no effect on the events in the story, and was only marginally attached to any conflict. Her internal monologue at the end was a push in the right direction—but we never got a chance to understand how she came to this conclusion, or, more importantly, what sort of state of mind she'd been in before. This ideally could have been elaborated in the flashback, but she was knocked out before she had been given a chance to really delve into the significance of this development.
Essentially, Tangerine was stagnant and marginal to the story leaving the whole plot of the entry—which the ending itself bemoaned as insignificant—meaningless.
There was some good here, of course. Hints at the relationships between the characters promised some interesting background, and the flashback was a useful interjection of exposition, though it ended rather prematurely. The first paragraph also formed a nice hook, with great impact, instilling a sense of horror from the get-go.
>B I'm having some difficulty with this entry. There are definitely some stylistic features that are annoying to read, but in a sense, they actually seem to amplify the tone of the piece?
What I'm feeling is the writing is very monotone, for a couple different reasons. Firstly, the sentence structure is rather straightforward, with little variation being employed—basically 'person verbs stuff'. There are a lot of ways to spice things up in sentence structure, either by moving clauses around the sentence, using person-less verb phrases, or switching the tense while maintaining the same temporal setting. Secondly, and somewhat related to the first point, a lot of the sentences start with the same words. And thirdly, there is a lack of punctuation variety—in particular, with quotations being left unquoted.
What's annoying about this is that it makes the entry drag along, with little to spice things up, and little flow between sentences. That is bad. What is good about this is that because it is used so incessantly, it instills in the entirety a foreboding sense of monotone. This fits in very well with the mood of the piece, and can even be seen to tie in with the theme of sunlessness—just as we have no change between day and night, so too will the writing evoke this stagnance.
So what is there to get out of this? This style of writing is very effective for the piece, but is dull to read.
As for the story, its presentation similarly amplifies the tone. As a reader, I really got to feel the drudgery of the Man's existence, his disconnection from the world around him. Not giving the characters specific names also helped with this. The conclusion, too, felt fitting for the piece, as while it built tension that was lacking in the rest of the piece, it left itself inconclusive. All in all, a good piece, but one that resonated well with me.
>C A warning, as is my wont; poetry is not my strength, in particular free verse. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
What I'm getting from this entry is coffee. Lots of coffee.
Allow me to start with the rough. There are a lot of formatting choices here that I simply do not understand. For example, for what purpose are the first eight stanzas enumerated, and why is the fifth suddenly arabic instead of roman numerals? Line breaks also seemed to be often haphazardly chosen, like in stanza vii's second and third verses, or in stanza sixteen. It is very jarring, and doesn't seem to support any metre.
Overall, while I was able to get the gist of each coffee-related verse, the poem didn't speak to or flow well with me. Each aspect of the poem seem too arbitrarily designated, not being given the chance to build off each other.
That being said, there was some decent wordplay splattered about, and I liked some of the stanzas that rhymed —personal preference.
@Darcs, author of Steppiing Out. The two pieces have relatively little in common, sorry, no bonus.
>C+ A decent entry with few technical issues, but suffers from a lack of conflict. The characters had little influence on the plot, and indeed, almost nothing changed between the beginning and the end of the story—not the media, not the balance of power, not even Andy's perspective on the power bestowed by the rock. The story is thusly unfulfilling—the reader has little to gain from it.
In addition to that, the plot itself does not seem to have been well-formed. Never was there any good reason for any of the characters to believe in the writings on the tablet, and yet they all buy into this great power—then just as quickly forget about it. Some sort of reason for this belief must be given, ranging anywhere from previous discoveries of supernatural objects to odd, inexplicable occurances at the location of the discovery. As it stands, people seem to believe simply because the plot demands it.
As for the story itself, not only does it have the issue of not much happening, but also what does happen doesn't seem to have any bearing. The discussion with Eric was important because it set down the premise, but the conversation with Jack was entirely superfluous, running over many of the same points as the first. Neither Eric nor Jack appear later on in the story. Especially in a short story, every detail must be carefully chosen and used to its full potential. Developing two characters who have no importance to the plot wastes some of this potential.
Don't think that it was allnegative, though. The writing was fine, and the characters were developed. The story simply required a bit more foundation, and a bit more carry.
>B- A warning, as is my wont; poetry is not my strength. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
I'm having a little trouble figuring out the focus of the poem. Is it the Sun, God, or some conquering lord like Alexander the Great? I guess it doesn't matter too much, but it is important not to get so lost in the poetic nature of the piece that it becomes difficult for the reader to follow.
The regular rhyming scheme was good, and helps to tie the piece together. However, it was largely weakened by the lack of a consistent metre. Because the verses had different syllable counts and, even worse, because there were regular stops in the flow in the middle of verses because of the injection of various punctuation marks, when reading the poem the rhymes didn't line up very nicely with each other. It always felt like they either showed up too soon or too late—particularly for the fourth verse of each stanza.
For example, stanza twelve has a well-flowing rhyme scheme, because the rhyming verses are roughly equal in length and there are no odd stops mid-verse. The following stanza, however, suffers from a jagged enjambment on two of its verses—the parts that rhyme feel more like they should be at the beginning of the next verse, but because they instead float in a no-man's land between the two, it is almost impossible to properly align them with the metre, and thus, the flow into the rhyme.
That being said, the aforementioned briefness of those fourth-place verses was useful to place a sense of finality on each stanza, boosting their impact.
Finally, there was a lot of great imagery, though as I mentioned earlier, it sometimes became difficult to follow what exactly was being described.
>B+ A very short entry, but equally pleasing. The writing was very good, with good imagery and strong description. The mood too was powerful, foreboding and mysterious as we wondered what 'they' were. (By the way, the bolding was a nice formatting choice that amplified the text.)
The epilogue provided a nice twist, turning an odd and almost eerie piece into a touching tale of acceptance and death. In particular, the reuse of the opening in a different context at the end was very effective.
Because the piece was so short and well-done, I admit there is little for me to say. But I did quite like it.
>B+ I liked this entry—and as with most quality work, I therefore have relatively little to say on the subject.
Having three different test subjects with their own failings was a nice choice—it adds perspective to the significance of the process, turning what otherwise would have been a boring expository statistic into an interesting portrayal of multiple characters. Everything had time to be well-developed, and the story flowed well enough.
As for the rest of the story, my main gripe is that the ending fell flat. While a cliffhanger is fine, and often I would even encourage it in short stories, this one left the plot feeling very much unfulfilled—not least due to the pressing questions asked by the text itself. I feel it would have been much better served with a quick, punchy line to leave us questioning the future, instead of purposefully drawing attention to the story's shortcomings.
The description was good, though on occasion words were reused too quickly or too frequently. I also found that some things were dragged out a bit—in particular, the doctor's thoughts on rape. He could very easily have said something to the effect shortly, but instead it wore on as if the doctor was trying to persuade us readers of his honesty, which is kind of weird coming from third-person narration.
> B- Reading this entry, it feels like all the important bits, the moments of conflict and tension, were left out. We don't get to see Effraye's efforts, nor the battle, and his initial rejection is only barely touched upon. Instead, we seem to focus on some short, very to-the-point conversations.
In addition, the narrative jumped about temporally a couple times—in particular when it mentioned Effraye's revolution after the results of it had already been announced. It feels a little jumbled about. I guess I also have some trouble with it because I'm personally not fond of the dialogue—in a dialogue-heavy entry—which feels like it is rambling about and far more vibrant and playful than the situation calls for.
I have little else to say, sorry. The story was good, but didn't feel like it progressed smoothly.
@PlatinumSkink, author of Little Me. You are gtting better with the ellipses! The dialogue is of a somewhat similar nature to the previous entry—really pushing out and vibrant, though less rant-y than the last time, which is good.
>B- A warning, as is my wont; poetry is not my strength. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
I'm happy that you employed a regular rhyming scheme and a relatively consistent metre. This makes it far easier for me as a reader to get drawn into the poetry.
Unfortunately, I'm finding this poem a bit too straightforward. Most of the figurative language is comprised of similes, with a sprinkling of metaphor. In addition, though evidently not a narrative, I feel there is a lack of progression through the poem. If there had been a build-up before the last stanza, so that there was a noticeable change in tone to take us away from point zero, the repetition would have been far more effective. This can be achieved in a variety of ways, such as by keeping the theme subtle at first and then slowly becoming more and more brash as the poem progresses.
After all, change is the driving force of any good entry. I want to feel like I've gained something new once I pop out the other side.
>B- A warning, as is my wont; poetry is not my strength. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
There was some powerful imagery, though I admit that I didn't grasp much of the poem until the second read-through. The dark tone of the piece is well evoked throughout, and though as a reader I am largely detached from the protagonist due to the vague presentation of events, there are a couple verses in particular that resonate, such as Still, like an unused abandoned swing, though the doubling was somewhat unnecessary right there.
However, I am undecided on the way enjambment is used here. In general, I find it jarring, which it still is here. The opening lines with their ends cut off tend to feel very lacking, and it destroys any hope of metre. That being said, the closing verses of many of these uses of enjambment do feel more powerful on their own, such as the verse Tattered bed, empty home. I find the worst offender is the last three verses of the fifth stanza, which jar the most.
[@DarkWind], author of For Blue Skies. The two pieces had little in common, so nothing bonus to say, sorry.
>B A warning, as is my wont; poetry is not my strength. Nevertheless, I shall do my best.
Good rhyming and a relatively consistent metre, very helpful for keeping the flow of the poem smooth.
The poem was narrative in form, and the story was easy enough to follow. In addition, there was some fine imagery and a splattering of wordplay, such as the effective parallel structure in the verse Her blades were cunning and her mind was cruel. There was a lot of anaphora put to good use—however, I'll note that the use of I alone twice close together felt jarring, seeing as they were used in different sections of their respective stanzas. Small details like this can throw a reader off.
My largest qualm is that I had trouble connecting with the protagonist, particularly once his identity was revealed at the end. Before that, he was some mysterious figure, out to evict evil from the court—and suddenly at the end we're given his identity like it was nothing. Because he was almost entirely formless before this point, he felt more like an embodiment of an ideal then an actual person. Either hints at his identity or more signs of the individual behind the mission would have helped alleviate this shock.
>B The writing was good, with good use of description, action, and tension. The story was also for the most part well-formed and intriguing, leaving me very interested in learning more of Vinn.
That being said, I found the characters to be poorly developed throughout the story. Vinn's introducton in the Eastern Village was indeed intriguing, leaving me hoping for more answers as to the nature and origins of this apparent leader, but almost nothing of the sort was given to me. In his fight with Seven, we did see a bit more of his fighting style, but come the encounter with Lysa, he had taken a somewhat flat nature. Lysa was even less interesting as a character, for she held herself as an almighty being, and lo and behold, she was. Especially seeing as the reader observes the fight through her eyes, in which she constantly teases Vinn's complete defeat, there is little room for tension. The end result was effectively a foregone conclusion.
Ultimately, I would have liked to know more about the motives of each character, which were left somewhat vague, and I feel the final confrontation would have had far more power had they been closer in power.
That being said, it was a good entry with a strong sense of tone and setting.
>B+ Well, that was an immense entry. Due to its size, it'll be a little difficult for me to go into detail analyzing your writing style, but it was mostly in good taste anyways. I did find the heavy exposition in the introductions a little confusing—in particular, there was some disagreement by the narrator itself a couple times, such as in the paragraph starting with Signs were written in all three languages. If even the narrator isn't certain of something, and debates with themselves on the subject, this makes it very hard for the reader to follow.
Now, to address the story.
There was a lot of good here, and I congratulate you on creating this epic tale. There are many layers of interest to the story that each add to the heavy mythos of the setting. However, I found that there was a bit too much being thrown in here. For example, while admittedly the linguistic research did help to provide a basic introduction for the pivotal characters of the piece, most of the mysteries and discoveries that they made had no impact on the conclusion. It would make sense in a larger work to include them as a mini-arc, but as they are presented here, it's as if they don't go anywhere. In a short story—which this still counts as, in case anyone was wondering—it is important to streamline events. Unresolved parts of the plot leave the reader wondering why they needed to be included at all. (Related to this is also the sudden lack of Valencia in the piece. She was being built up as an important part of the cast early on, but was effectively non-existant once the action started.)
Another section of ambiguous merit was the large battle. Yes, it was important to add to the tension of the situation and I would not suggest its removal—in fact, it was a very powerful part of the piece. However, it was told entirely by an ambivalent narrator. The readers invested a lot of time into learning about the characters, and their role in the battle—even just as observers—would be much appreciated.
@Keyguyperson, author of Never Forget. Well, you seem consistently good at building characters, as well as epic-scale plots. This biggest downfall here, as I mentioned above, was the lack of focus; in Never Forget, every scene was pivotal to the culmination of the piece, and every event was properly accompanied by a character's perspective. Still, well done, but I believe your first entry held itself together more firmly.
>C I believe this may be a largely personal opinion, but I was not particularly fond of the metatextual style of the story, and, well, that was pretty much the defining feature of the piece. The constant asides and narrative commentaries left me feeling like the story wasn't taking itself seriously, which it probable wasn't supposed to anyways.
Now, to other things.
The introduction was a little long, and most of the information it imparted onto the reader was of little use. True, it did provide background on why things were happening—but we never saw any sign of Typhon's wrath, we never visited Lost Haven, and we barely got anything out of Athena. Expository prose like this tends to be some of the less interesting parts in any story, so it is essential to make the most of it. This can either be achieved by limiting the exposition to the essentials, or ensuring that all mentioned within it is properly utilized at some point in the story.
The conclusion too felt somewhat out of place. While it was interesting to have the two women try to determine how win without losers, there was very little tension in the situation, as Will and Shelob's battle was undiscussed and in the background. Without pressing danger, them touching the orb simply felt casual—and with how easily they beat Shelob, the ending was quite anticlimactic. Of course, I understand that if expanded, the true climax would be against Typhon, but that was not the case here.
Finally, there were a large number of typos. Though tedious, proofreading is essential.
>C It was a rather short entry, and very much to-the-point. There's not much to fault in the writing itself; stylistically, I have no gripes.
Where I felt this entry fell short was in characterization. Focusing almost entirely on a tell-not-show approach, we are expected to connect with characters who are at best familiar cut-outs. If the goal was for us to sympathize wih Lacee, Charles, and Minnie, giving us a scene depicting their young days of being bullied could have been far more effective. As for Jordan, Marlene, and Janet, it would have been helpful to get to know more about them before they were shot down. This could have been achieved either by expanding the dialogue or additional scenes.
If, as a reader, I was given the chance to know these characters, their actions and motives would have far more significantly impacted the story. Because the plot here is rather straightforward, what pushes the story should be the emotional effect it has on the reader.
@Alice, author of What do you say? Again, there is an issue of scenes being run through too quickly. It's important to take the time to get a feel for the characters, and I actually felt your first entry did better in that regard.
Why I would not vote for this entry:
#1: Spastic narration, both in grammar and execution.
#2: Conflict misalignment.
#3: Prolonged tangential intro.
#4: Scenes never settle, no chance to absorb.
#5: Drags along with monotone.
#6: Jarring, little cohesion throughout.
#7: Stagnant plot.
#8: Jarring metre.
#9: Very, very short.
#10: Lacklustre ending.
#11: Focus on rambly dialogue.
#12: Lack of progression.
#13: Jarring enjambment.
#14: Fractured protagonist.
#15: Lack of character development.
#16: Throw-away arcs and characters.
#17: Lack of tension in conflict.
#18: Lack of characterization.
Why I would vote for this entry:
#1: Interesting setting.
#2: Introspection.
#3: Action with great flow.
#4: Strong foundations.
#5: Effective tone/theme maintained throughout.
#6: Some good poetic tools.
#7: Developed cast.
#8: Strong imagery.
#9: Touching and mysterious mood, hand-in-hand.
#10: Well-developed plot.
#11: Interesting characters.
#12: Well structured.
#13: Strong imagery.
#14: Well-structured.
#15: Consistent, powerful tone.
#16: Distinct setting, epic plot.
#17: Interesting use of comicbook mythology.
#18: A few poignant moments.
I am overall much happier with this batch of entries than last month's.
My vote shall go to A Thought About Power—though the intro really threw me off, what came next was very well put together. Notable mentions also go to The Inevitable Destruction of Reality, Enhanced, and A Small House.
If you would like a somewhat subjective complete breakdown of syntactic and grammatical technique in direct relation to narrative effect, ask and I shall provide. This mostly applies to entries #1 and #4. For the most part, this deconstruction will have roots in the technical aspects of my reviews, which I kept brief so as to avoid cluttering them with harsh details. It will take me a lot of time and effort to write them up, so please have patience if do you request it.
EDIT: I always find it funny rereading my reviews, where I comment on the typos of others while I myself make the same typos. I proofread my actual stories though, I swear!
I've read the Power of Bullying, simply because I was curious as to what it'd entail. Needless to say, I liked it. It has that emotional caveat that I was interested in. Keep up the good work.
@PlatinumSkink About my entry being, well, less detailed at the end. I might have been finishing up that piece at 4 o' clock in the morning, a few hours before RomanAria's "new" deadline, so I'm blaming thte "lack of detail" on that. :o
Edit: Also, although it seems like I didn't get it across clearly in the text, the reference to Shelob is just an allusion to Lord of the Rings, just as in the Avengers, Tony Stark calls Hawkeye "Legolas". That doesn't mean that Hawkeye is an elf, but just alluding to this popular culture and equating two superb archers (or giant spiders in my case). Just FYI.
@Dedonus I apologize for the last-minute deadline change. I forgot it fell during finals week which is when my parents go all kinds of asinine about "you're in bed not one second later then 10:00, missy, because you need to be at your academic best!" Yeah. So. Deadline had to be moved forward a bit... XD Also, I wrote my entry in legitimately 15 minutes. I'm shocked it's done this well in the contest.
thanks for the criticism, @Holmishire. We will put it to good use.
Time constraints did mess with the ending, leaving it less than satisfactory. We had a debate with ourselves about whether to submit a half-finished story or to write an ending of sorts (which ended up being a sub-par ending), and ended up with the latter. Not sure which would have been best. We do intend to finish the story sometime.
We do try to not reuse too many words too often, but obviously we failed at some points. That is a flaw that needs fixing. There are far too many adequate synonyms in the English language to need to repeat descriptive words frequently. We'll try to remember the bit about more abrupt endings if we do end up in this same situation again.
The bit on the doctor's view of rape was a good catch. We'll remember that. It was meant to convey just how disgusted the doctor was with the concept of rape, but clearly it did not do it quite as good as intended. An earlier version of the story, which is long discarded, did not have him hold such a view. That in turn made the story not work in the long run, not to mention make it far less entertaining to read.
We feel that when people review our work, they deserve to be answered.
@Dedonus I apologize for the last-minute deadline change. I forgot it fell during finals week which is when my parents go all kinds of asinine about "you're in bed not one second later then 10:00, missy, because you need to be at your academic best!" Yeah. So. Deadline had to be moved forward a bit... XD Also, I wrote my entry in legitimately 15 minutes. I'm shocked it's done this well in the contest.
Sometimes last minute pressure conjures up unexpectedly pleasant results. Though, I wouldn't really count on that happening all the time lol.
I had a bedtime and I had to go take finals in the morning. Between writing out the threads and screwing with the formatting, I had like NO time to write.
I had a bedtime and I had to go take finals in the morning. Between writing out the threads and screwing with the formatting, I had like NO time to write.
I'm a slavedriver sometimes.
Speaking of which, @Darcs write a review. Go go go.
I added everybody else except for @Ellri and @Keyguyperson. I'd keep going but the fatigue is real right now, so I'll be back for you folks shortly (a day or two, or three, or whatever). Enjoy! Let me know if I said anything stupid, I'm happy to talk shop with anybody.
I will start feedback soon. However it has come to my attention that no one can quite tell what my piece is about. I am happy with this out come. I will admit I know where I was going, and how everything connects. But I like to see it being interpeted in different ways. Also, the length is due to the fact that I stumbled across this contest at 11 pm, the day before it was due And decided to write something quickly to submit.
I will start feedback soon. However it has come to my attention that no one can quite tell what my piece is about. I am happy with this out come. I will admit I know where I was going, and how everything connects. But I like to see it being interpeted in different ways. Also, the length is due to the fact that I stumbled across this contest at 11 pm, the day before it was due And decided to write something quickly to submit.
Anything you care to add about your entry is more than welcome -- part of the point of getting rid of the 'anonymous entry' mandate was so authors could discuss what they wrote with people reading.
Also (this applies to anyone, not just last-minute entries) -- I haven't set up the archive just yet, on account of, you know, we've only had the one contest finished so far. But when I do get it up, if you'd prefer to replace your submitted entry with an edited version (perhaps fleshed out after the deadline is past, or perhaps taking some critiques to heart and updating accordingly), we're planning on supporting that.
However it has come to my attention that no one can quite tell what my piece is about. I am happy with this out come. I will admit I know where I was going, and how everything connects. But I like to see it being interpeted in different ways. Also, the length is due to the fact that I stumbled across this contest at 11 pm, the day before it was due And decided to write something quickly to submit.
I hope at the very least you'll give us some insight into the hidden meaning of your text once the contest ends—if not before then, though I can completely understand the desire to see where the river flows first.
Also (this applies to anyone, not just last-minute entries) -- I haven't set up the archive just yet, on account of, you know, we've only had the one contest finished so far. But when I do get it up, if you'd prefer to replace your submitted entry with an edited version (perhaps fleshed out after the deadline is past, or perhaps taking some critiques to heart and updating accordingly), we're planning on supporting that.
Out of curiosity, will entrants be able to opt-out of having their entries archived—or alternatively, opt-in? I ask largely because I know some of the writers in the first contest felt disappointed in their work, wanting to improve, and so they might want to wait until they've written something they feel proud of before it gets permanently displayed.
1x Thank
